Expectations: The Invisible Agreement

Relationships frequently involve plans, agreements, promises, commitments, preferences, and shared ideas about what may occur in the future. Two life partners may agree on how money will be used, where they will live, or how household tasks will be shared. A parent and child may develop plans regarding education, transportation, employment, or living arrangements. Friends may arrange to meet at a particular time or participate in activities together. An employer and employee may agree on work that will be completed, the compensation that will be provided, and the time when the work needs to occur. A Teacher and Student may agree on a course of study, a schedule for classes, or practices the Student intends to implement. These ordinary activities are not inherently problematic. Human beings need to organize their lives, communicate intentions, coordinate with one another, and make decisions regarding circumstances that have not yet occurred. The difficulty begins when the mind takes a plan, agreement, promise, commitment, or preferred outcome and mentally transforms it into an expectation that the future will unfold according to what the mind wants.

An expectation is always a form of craving/desire/attachment. When an expectation forms, the mind is no longer simply recognizing what has been planned or what another person has said they intend to do. The mind has become attached to a particular future result and wants that result to occur according to its own mental picture. This distinction can initially be difficult to recognize because expectations often appear completely reasonable. The Practitioner might think, “But we agreed that this would happen,” “They promised me,” “This was written into the agreement,” “They have always done this before,” or “This is what a person in this relationship is supposed to do”. Yet none of these thoughts change The Universal Truth of Impermanence. Agreements can change, promises can be broken, circumstances can arise that neither person anticipated, another being can make a different decision, and even a carefully written agreement cannot make the future permanent. The Practitioner can work diligently toward fulfilling an agreement and can wisely plan for another person to do the same, while still understanding that life is not guaranteed to unfold exactly according to what was discussed.

The central distinction in this chapter is therefore not between planning and refusing to plan, or between making agreements and refusing to make agreements. The distinction is between participating wisely in an impermanent world and mentally demanding that the impermanent world become permanent. The Practitioner could develop a plan, make a promise, sign an agreement, organize activities, communicate a preference, and work diligently toward a result without allowing the mind to have the belief that the result will definitely occur in the exact form imagined. Once the mind moves from “This is what we are planning” to “This is what must happen,” craving/desire/attachment has entered the mind. If the future then changes in a disagreeable direction, the mind that developed the expectation is set up to experience a conditioned painful feeling because reality has not matched what the mind wanted.

What Is an Expectation?

Craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations/grasping/holding/clinging describe the mind mentally pulling toward something with strong eagerness. The unEnlightened mind wants impermanent circumstances to remain or develop according to its desires and becomes discontent when reality does not conform to what the mind wants.

The Buddha teaches that whatever discontentedness arose in the past, whatever discontentedness will arise in the future, and whatever discontentedness presently arises has craving/desire as its root. An expectation therefore belongs within the same mental process as craving/desire/attachment. It is not merely knowledge that something has been planned. It is the mind becoming attached to a particular future outcome and wanting reality to deliver that outcome.

Consider two people who agree to meet at a restaurant at 6:00 PM. They can both organize their schedules around the agreement, determine when they need to leave, arrange transportation, reserve a table, and even confirm the plan shortly before leaving. None of those decisions necessitate an expectation. The Practitioner can simply understand, “Our present plan is to meet at 6:00 PM”. The mind is then working with the information that presently exists while understanding that circumstances are impermanent and can change. An expectation forms when the mind changes this understanding into something more rigid: “They are going to be there at 6:00 PM, and this must happen exactly as agreed”. At that point, the mind has moved beyond planning and has begun attempting to mentally guarantee a future event that has not yet occurred.

The guarantee does not actually exist. Between the time the agreement is made and the planned meeting, the other person could become ill, encounter an emergency, become delayed by transportation, forget the time, misunderstand the arrangement, change their mind, or otherwise choose not to appear. The Practitioner could still evaluate whatever actually happens. If a person repeatedly agrees to meet and repeatedly chooses not to arrive, that pattern provides useful information for future decisions. The Practitioner might decide that future plans with this person need to be approached differently or that certain arrangements are no longer wise. None of that requires an expectation. Wisdom is capable of observing another person’s conduct accurately without demanding beforehand that the other person behave according to the Practitioner’s preferred outcome.

The Invisible Agreement

Expectations become especially important to understand within relationships because many expectations are not based on an actual agreement at all. One person creates an agreement entirely within their own mind and then becomes discontent when another person fails to follow it. The life partner thinks, “Because we are together, you should call me every day”. The parent thinks, “Because you are my child, you should live near me when you become an adult”. The friend thinks, “Because I contacted you last time, you should contact me next”. The Teacher thinks, “Because I shared this guidance, the Student should follow it”. The Student thinks, “Because I support this Teacher, the Teacher should always be available to me”. The employer thinks, “Because I provide this opportunity, the employee should always be grateful”. In each example, the mind has quietly constructed an invisible agreement regarding another being’s future decisions.

The other person may not even know the agreement exists. Yet the Practitioner can become angry, frustrated, disappointed, lonely, resentful, irritated, or otherwise discontent when the person fails to fulfill a mental contract they never accepted. Expectations placed upon another being are cravings/desires/attachments that will cause the mind to be discontent.

Even when expectations are communicated, they remain cravings because the mind becomes attached to the other person fulfilling them. The mind may say, “I love you, therefore I expect you to make me happy,” but this has attached the Practitioner’s internal condition of mind to another being producing a particular result.

This is why the understanding of invisible agreement is useful. The Practitioner begins to recognize that much relationship conflict can arise from an agreement that only exists inside one mind. Another unEnlightened person is making decisions according to their own wisdom, ignorance, preferences, cravings, circumstances, and understanding, while the Practitioner is simultaneously holding a private mental script describing what that person is supposed to do. When the actual person does not follow the mental script, the mind interprets reality as though something has gone wrong. But from the perspective of impermanence and non-self, another being continuing to make their own decisions is exactly what should be understood about reality. The problem is not that another person possesses independent decision-making. The difficulty arises because the Practitioner’s mind developed an expectation that attempted to assign the other being a predetermined decision and outcome.

Expectation and Impermanence

The relationship between expectation and impermanence is central to understanding why expectations lead to discontentedness. The unEnlightened mind continually attempts to arrange impermanent circumstances so they remain predictable and lasting. It wants agreeable relationships to remain agreeable, communication patterns to continue, people to retain the same interests, promises to be fulfilled exactly as imagined, plans to remain unchanged, and another being’s decisions to continue producing familiar results. Yet everything involved in those circumstances is continually changing. The people are changing, their minds are changing, their physical bodies are changing, their understanding is changing, their interests are changing, their circumstances are changing, and the countless conditions surrounding the relationship are changing. The expectation therefore attempts to establish permanence within circumstances where permanence is unavailable.

The unEnlightened mind possesses craving/desire/attachment toward things of the past and future and develops an expectation of permanence. When impermanence becomes apparent, the mind experiences discontentedness because it wanted circumstances to remain a particular way. This is precisely what occurs when the mind forms expectations within relationships. The expectation says, “This person will continue behaving this way,” “This agreement will happen exactly as discussed,” or “This relationship will continue in the form I want”. Impermanence eventually reveals that these mental statements were never guarantees.

The conflict is therefore between what actually exists and what the mind is demanding. Reality says that circumstances will change, while expectation says that a particular circumstance needs to remain or occur according to the mind’s desires. Reality says that another being will continue making their own decisions, while expectation says that the other person needs to make the decision the Practitioner has mentally assigned to them. Reality says that the future has not yet occurred, while expectation behaves as though the future has already been decided. When the future unfolds in a disagreeable way, the Practitioner may initially think that the changed circumstance produced the painful feeling. A deeper investigation reveals that the mind had formed craving/desire/attachment toward another outcome and became discontent when reality did not match that expectation.

If the future happens exactly as expected, the mind may instead experience a conditioned pleasant feeling because the craving has been satisfied. This can hide the underlying problem. The Practitioner may interpret the pleasant feeling as evidence that everything is going well, when in reality the mind may simply have received what it wanted. If the same result is repeatedly received, the expectation can become even stronger. A life partner who calls every evening gradually becomes expected to call every evening. A friend who frequently visits gradually becomes expected to continue visiting. A child who regularly follows a parent’s advice gradually becomes expected to continue doing so. When impermanence eventually changes the pattern, the craving that had quietly developed becomes visible through the arising of discontentedness.

Planning Without Expectation

Eliminating expectations does not mean eliminating planning. Planning is beneficial throughout ordinary life because the Practitioner lives within circumstances that often necessitate preparation for future activity. A person can plan travel, education, employment, finances, family activities, medical care, classes, business projects, transportation, meals, housing, and countless other aspects of life. The distinction is that wisdom recognizes what a plan actually is: a decision made in the present regarding how the Practitioner intends to approach a future circumstance based upon the information currently available. A plan is useful information and direction, but it is not a guarantee that the future will unfold according to the plan.

The existing material in this book has already established that impermanence does not make planning meaningless. A plan can be formed based on the conditions that can reasonably be understood at the time. When those conditions later change, the Practitioner can examine the new circumstances and make another decision. This is considerably different from developing a plan and then allowing the mind to believe that reality is somehow obligated to preserve all the circumstances necessary for the plan to happen exactly as imagined.

Consider a family planning a vacation six months in the future. They may choose a destination, purchase transportation, reserve lodging, arrange time away from work, plan activities, and save money for the trip. They can work diligently toward making the vacation happen, and it would be completely reasonable to organize other activities around the plan. The wise mental position is simply that the family is planning to take the trip. An expectation would arise if the mind became attached to the belief that the trip will occur exactly as planned and that the circumstances need to remain favorable until that happens. If weather changes, someone becomes ill, transportation is cancelled, financial circumstances change, or another event makes the original plan unwise or impossible, the Practitioner who planned without expectation can understand the new circumstances and make another decision. The Practitioner who formed an expectation will experience frustration, anger, disappointment, stress, or another conditioned painful feeling because reality failed to conform to the plan.

The problem therefore was never the planning. The problem was the craving/desire/attachment to the outcome. This distinction allows the Practitioner to remain highly organized and diligent without confusing preparation with control over the future. Planning is based upon wisdom regarding what is known now. Expectation is the mind longing and yearning for what it wants to occur later. The Practitioner can participate fully in life while gradually eliminating the mental tendency to demand that future conditions remain unchanged and aligned with current plans.

Agreements Without Expectation

Agreements are also useful because they help two beings communicate how they presently intend to participate in a circumstance. A written agreement may provide clarity regarding financial matters, employment, housing, services, or shared commitments. A verbal agreement may help family members, friends, life partners, Teachers, Students, employers, and employees coordinate activities. The existence of the agreement gives each person information that can wisely influence their own decisions. The Practitioner can make plans based upon the agreement, work diligently to fulfill their part of the agreement, and reasonably consider the other person’s stated intentions when making decisions.

But an agreement is still subject to impermanence. Even a written agreement does not make the future permanent. Circumstances can change, the people involved can change, misunderstandings can occur, new information can become available, or one person can simply make a decision to not do what was agreed. The Practitioner can therefore work toward an agreement while understanding that the agreement describes what the participants presently intend to do; it does not provide a guarantee that future circumstances cannot change.

When an agreement is not fulfilled, wisdom does not necessitate pretending nothing happened. The Practitioner can accurately understand, “This person did not fulfill the agreement”. They can investigate what occurred, communicate about the matter, consider whether the agreement needs to be revised, determine whether continued participation is wise, or make an entirely different decision. If the failure to fulfill the agreement caused actual physical, material, or reputational harm, the Practitioner could take wise action to address that harm. None of these responses require the mind to experience anger, resentment, irritation, or another conditioned painful feeling. But, if the mind has an expectation, there will be discontentedness.

The distinction established earlier in this book remains important: another being can cause actual harm, but another being does not cause the Practitioner’s discontentedness. The external conduct can be unwise, the agreement can genuinely have been broken, and harm can even have occurred, while the Practitioner simultaneously recognizes that any conditioned painful feeling arising within their own mind has an internal cause that needs investigation. Wisdom allows both realities to be understood accurately without confusing them. The Practitioner does not need to deny another being’s conduct in order to examine the condition of their own mind and identify the craving/desire/attachment/want/expectation that led to the arising of discontentedness.

Promises and Commitments

Promises and commitments operate in a similar way. When another person makes a promise, the Practitioner receives information regarding what that person presently intends to do. That information can wisely influence decisions. If a life partner promises to complete a particular task, a friend commits to providing transportation, a Teacher agrees to offer a class, or an employee commits to completing work, the Practitioner can reasonably use those statements when organizing their own activities. The mistake would be transforming the information into a mental expectation that says the person now must fulfill the promise exactly as imagined and that the Practitioner’s happiness depends upon that happening.

A person can sincerely make a promise today and encounter circumstances tomorrow that make fulfillment impossible or unwise. A person can also make a promise and later choose not to fulfill it even though fulfillment remained possible. These are different circumstances, and wisdom can distinguish between them. The Practitioner does not need to become naive or ignore patterns of conduct. If someone repeatedly makes promises and repeatedly fails to fulfill them, that history becomes useful information. The Practitioner may eventually determine that promises from that person are not reliable information upon which important future decisions should be based. That is discernment based on observation and experiences.

Expectation is something different. Expectation says, “Because this person promised, they have to do it, and reality needs to unfold according to that promise”. This places the mind in conflict with impermanence. The wiser approach is to take promises and commitments seriously while understanding that they are still being made within an impermanent world by beings whose minds and circumstances are continually changing. The

Practitioner can make wise future decisions based upon whether another person has historically fulfilled commitments without attaching the happiness of their own mind to the assumption that every promise will always be fulfilled.

Preference: A Peaceful Alternative to Expectation

A preference provides a practical way for the Practitioner to approach outcomes without forming craving/desire/attachment. The Practitioner can prefer that a particular circumstance occur while remaining peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy if another circumstance occurs instead. This allows the mind to participate meaningfully in life without becoming attached to a specific result. A Practitioner can prefer that a friend attend an event, prefer that their child choose a particular educational path, prefer that a life partner join them for dinner, prefer that a Student accept guidance, prefer that a work project be completed on Friday, or prefer that vacation plans remain unchanged. The existence of a preferred outcome does not by itself create discontentedness because the mind is not clinging to the outcome or craving for it to occur exactly as originally intended.

The important question is what occurs within the mind when the preferred result does not happen. If the Practitioner can remain peaceful and joyful while observing the changed circumstances and determining what decision would now be wise, the mind was not clinging to the preferred outcome. If anger, frustration, irritation, disappointment, resentment, loneliness, stress, or another form of discontentedness arises because the outcome changed, the Red Light has appeared and the Practitioner has evidence that craving/desire/attachment/clinging/wants/expectation was present. The difference is therefore not determined merely by what word the person uses. Someone can say, “I only preferred this,” while internally demanding the result. Another person can work diligently toward a preferred outcome yet remain completely peaceful if it does not occur.

The Practitioner can use a simple investigation: “If this does not happen the way I prefer, will my mind remain peaceful and joyful?” If the answer is no, that is not a preference and there is craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations within the mind to understand and eliminate. This makes preference particularly useful because it allows wisdom, planning, and discernment to remain active without demanding permanence. The Practitioner is not becoming indifferent to results. They are simply no longer making inner happiness dependent upon receiving one specific result from an impermanent circumstance.

When Reality Does Not Match the Expectation

Expectations frequently remain hidden until reality contradicts them. A person may not realize they expect a life partner to answer every message until a message goes unanswered. A parent may not recognize an expectation that an adult child remain nearby until the child announces plans to move. A friend may not recognize an expectation regarding frequent communication until communication decreases. A Teacher may not realize that an expectation has formed around a Student following guidance until the Student chooses differently. In each circumstance, the external event reveals something that was already present within the mind.

The untrained mind usually directs its attention outward. It asks, “Why did they do this?”, “Why did they change?”, “Why didn’t they keep their promise?”, “Why won’t they listen?”, or “Why aren’t they doing what they know I want?” These questions can sometimes be useful for understanding the external circumstance, but they do not investigate the cause of the Practitioner’s discontentedness. The trained mind adds a more important question: “What expectation has been revealed within my own mind?” This does not excuse another person’s conduct if unwise decisions were made, erase agreements, deny harm, or suggest that all decisions are equally wise. It simply directs the Practitioner toward the internal craving/desire/attachment that needs to be eliminated so that the mind can move closer to liberation - to Enlightenment.

This is one of the most useful aspects of challenging relationships where people struggle. They provide repeated opportunities for the Practitioner to discover expectations that might otherwise remain hidden. When another being behaves exactly as the mind wants, an expectation can remain unnoticed because the craving continues to be satisfied. When the person finally chooses differently, the Red Light exposes the attachment. Rather than treating the disagreeable circumstance merely as a problem caused by someone else, the Practitioner can recognize that something valuable has been revealed about the condition of their own mind, investigate it, eliminate it, and move closer to Enlightenment and harmonious relationships.

The Red Light Reveals the Expectation

Chapter 7 of this book introduced The Red Light as discontentedness arising within the mind. When discontentedness appears, the Practitioner understands that craving/desire/attachment exists and needs investigation. Expectations are among the cravings that can be revealed through this process. Suppose a life partner changes an agreed plan and the Practitioner begins noticing bodily sensations associated with irritation. Right Mindfulness allows the Practitioner to recognize what is occurring, while

Right Effort is applied to cut off and let go of the developing conditioned feeling before it influences communication, intentions, or actions. If the bodily-sensation stage is missed, the Practitioner continues practicing through the later stages of feeling, condition of mind, and mental objects rather than allowing the process to deepen.

After the conditioned feeling has passed and the mind can investigate clearly, Analysis of The Mind can begin. The Practitioner may discover that the mind was holding thoughts such as, “I expected the plan to remain unchanged,” “I expected this person to speak with me first,” “I expected them to remember,” “I expected them to appreciate what I did,” “I expected them to agree with me,” or “I expected them to make the decision I wanted”. The external circumstance has now helped the Practitioner identify the specific craving that needs to be eliminated.

The work is not to force the other person to satisfy the expectation. The work is to eliminate the expectation from the Practitioner’s own mind. This distinction is essential because satisfying an expectation can temporarily make it appear that the problem has disappeared. If the life partner restores the original plan, irritation may cease. If the friend finally calls, loneliness may disappear. If the child follows the parent’s advice, anxiety may decrease. But none of those external changes necessarily eliminated craving. The circumstance simply changed in the direction the mind wanted, allowing the craving to become temporarily satisfied.

Existing material in this book already explains that satisfying a craving does not necessarily eliminate the craving. Another person may satisfy the craving today, but because people, plans, communication, interests, and relationships continually change, another future circumstance will eventually fail to correspond with what the mind wants. The mind will then experience the same difficulty again because the underlying expectation was never eliminated. The Practitioner is therefore not attempting to become increasingly skilled at arranging the world so that expectations are continually fulfilled. The goal is to train the mind so thoroughly that expectations themselves are gradually eliminated and no longer exist in the mind.

Expectations and True Love

Expectations also need to be understood in relation to True Love. True Love is an unconditioned mental quality of genuine interest in seeing all beings be well, without judging whether they deserve love and without wanting or expecting anything from them. An expectation therefore cannot itself be evidence of True Love. A parent can genuinely love a child while simultaneously possessing expectations regarding the child’s future. A life partner can possess love while also expecting another person to communicate in a particular way, provide a certain amount of affection, earn a particular amount of money, participate in certain activities, or make particular decisions. A Teacher can possess genuine interest in a Student’s well-being while still developing an expectation that the Student follow specific guidance.

In these examples, True Love is being tainted by cravings/desires/attachments/wants/expectations, hindering the ability of the other person to experience the Practitioner’s True Love.

The practice is not to eliminate True Love. The practice is to purify the mind by eliminating the craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations that have become mixed with love. Volume 1 addresses the confusion directly through the common idea, “I love you, therefore I expect you to make me happy”. When the mind begins relying upon another being to produce happiness, comfort, affection, attention, agreement, or another desired result, attachment has entered the relationship and it will produce disharmony. If the expected result is not experienced, the mind becomes discontent because its craving was not fulfilled.

True Love does not function in this way. A parent can possess genuine interest in seeing a child be well without expecting the child to choose the parent’s preferred career. A life partner can have genuine interest in seeing the other being be well without expecting agreement on every subject. A Teacher can genuinely care about a Student’s development without expecting the Student to implement every Teaching immediately. A friend can possess love without expecting a particular amount of communication. The outward relationship may contain preferences, plans, requests, agreements, and guidance, but True Love itself remains free of wanting or expecting something in return, allowing the mind to remain peaceful and the relationship harmonious.

Expectations Between Parents and Children

The parent-child relationship provides countless opportunities for expectations to develop because parents often give enormous amounts of time, effort, energy, guidance, attention, and material resources while helping a child develop. Without wisdom, this extensive participation can gradually become connected with an invisible agreement. The parent may begin thinking, “I raised you, therefore you should remain close to me,” “I paid for your education, therefore you should choose the career I want,” “I have done everything for you, therefore you should listen to me,” or “Because I am your parent, you should make decisions that make me happy”. None of these expectations become wise merely because the parent previously contributed a great deal to the child’s life.

Chapter 9 of this book established that generosity does not create a debt that another being must later repay. This chapter, Chapter 10, develops the next aspect of that Teaching: the parent can provide guidance, communicate preferences, help establish plans, make agreements, and remain deeply involved in the child’s development without forming an expectation regarding the eventual decisions the child makes. A parent might wisely say, “I would prefer that you consider this option because I think it may produce more beneficial results. Are you interested in understanding why?” This shares knowledge and preference while leaving the child as the decision-maker who has the ability to open the door to guidance or not. The mental position is considerably different from, “You are my child, therefore you need to make the decision I think is best”.

As the child develops, they increasingly make their own decisions and experience the results of those decisions. Their Life -> Their Decisions -> Their Results. The parent can remain highly involved, loving, generous, and supportive while understanding this reality. If the child makes an unwise decision, the parent can continue sharing wisdom when appropriate and can make their own decisions regarding future participation. What the parent does not need to do is attach their own happiness to whether the child chooses the parent’s preferred approach or not.

Expectations Between Life Partners

Life partnerships can contain some of the strongest expectations because the relationship often includes extensive shared activity. Two beings may share a home, finances, physical intimacy, children, meals, transportation, travel, social relationships, employment decisions, household tasks, and plans extending many years into the future. Because the relationship involves so many areas of life, agreements are often highly beneficial. Clear communication regarding finances, household participation, children, schedules, sexual activity, employment, travel, and other significant matters can help both people understand how they presently intend to participate in the shared life.

But agreements do not need to become expectations. Consider two life partners who agree that one person will prepare dinner while the other completes another household activity. The agreement provides useful information regarding how the evening is presently planned. Suppose one person later does not prepare dinner. The other partner can accurately observe, “We agreed that dinner would be prepared, and that did not happen”. They could ask what occurred, discuss whether a different arrangement would be helpful, consider whether the circumstance is an isolated event or part of a repeated pattern, and make another decision based upon what has actually occurred.

None of these responses necessitate anger. The expectation appears when the mind says, “They agreed to do this, therefore they had to do it exactly as planned, and because they did not, I am angry”. The missed agreement did not create the anger. The mind had formed craving/desire/attachment to a particular result and experienced a conditioned painful feeling when reality changed. This does not mean the person who did not fulfill the agreement is free from the results of their decision. Their decision still produces results through The Natural Law of Kamma. The Practitioner recognizes the discontentedness within their own mind, cuts it off and lets it go, while evaluating what happened and choosing what to do next. This frees the mind to be able to make wise choices that produce wholesome results.

Expectations Between Teachers and Students

Teacher-Student relationships also include plans, guidance, preferences, and agreements. A Teacher may recommend that a Student practice Breathing Mindfulness Meditation each morning, study a particular Teaching, attend classes, complete a program, or apply a specific practice within daily life. The Student may sincerely agree to proceed in that way. The Teacher can observe whether the Student practices and can use that information when determining what guidance would be beneficial next. If the Student repeatedly chooses not to practice, the Teacher may determine that more advanced Teaching would not yet be useful because the foundational practice has not been developed.

The Teacher does not need an expectation that the Student will obey. The Student remains the decision-maker of their own life. The Teacher could explain what decisions are likely to produce beneficial results, share wisdom, provide examples, and encourage diligent practice while recognizing that the Student will determine whether they actually implement the Teaching. If the Student chooses differently, the Teacher receives new information and can make another wise decision regarding how to teach that Student.

The same Teaching applies in the opposite direction. A Student can reasonably rely upon information provided by the Teacher regarding class schedules, meetings, course material, or other arrangements. If circumstances later change, the Student can understand the impermanent nature of the Teacher’s plan. But the Student does not need to develop an expectation that a Teacher can never change a schedule, alter a plan, or make a decision different from what the Student would prefer. Both beings continue making decisions while participating in the relationship.

Expectations in Friendships and Family Relationships

Expectations can become particularly difficult to identify in relationships that have existed for many years because repeated patterns begin to feel permanent. A family may gather every year for a holiday. Friends may speak every weekend. A relative may call every birthday. Two people may eat lunch together every Friday. For many years these circumstances may continue without interruption, and the mind can gradually transform repeated experience into an expectation about how the relationship is supposed to operate. “This is what we have always done” quietly becomes “This is what we should continue doing”.

Impermanence eventually reveals that those statements are not the same. Someone moves, employment changes, health changes, financial circumstances change, schedules change, a new interest develops, or one person simply makes a different decision. The Practitioner who has developed wisdom can appreciate the previous pattern without demanding its continuation. Twenty years of a particular family tradition does not make the twenty-first year permanent. Ten years of frequent communication does not guarantee that communication will remain equally frequent during the next ten years. The history of the relationship provides information and memories, but it does not create ownership over the future.

This understanding does not diminish relationships. It allows the Practitioner to appreciate what is present while it exists without attempting to force present circumstances to continue indefinitely. Friends can enjoy frequent communication without thinking that the friendship is damaged if circumstances later support less contact. Family members can appreciate traditions without turning those traditions into expectations that generate anger when someone makes a different decision. Wisdom allows the relationship to be experienced as it actually exists now rather than measuring the present against a mentally fixed version of how it used to be.

Expectations Do Not Make Another Person’s Decisions

One reason expectations remain attractive to the unEnlightened mind is the belief that having an expectation will somehow help produce a better result. A parent may believe the expectation will motivate the child. A Teacher may think the expectation will encourage the Student to practice. A life partner may believe that expecting particular conduct will improve the relationship. An employer may believe that strong expectations will make employees behave a certain way. But an expectation exists in the mind of the person who holds it. It does not enter the other person’s mind and make their decision for them.

The Practitioner might decide to communicate clearly, explain likely results, share wisdom, make requests, establish agreements, explain preferences, and determine how they will participate if particular conduct continues. These are all decisions available to the Practitioner. What remains unavailable is control over another being’s decision. The expectation therefore provides no additional power. It simply attaches the Practitioner’s mind to a particular decision being made by another being.

When the other person later chooses differently, the Practitioner then experiences the result of having formed the expectation. The mind becomes discontent because it wanted another being to make a particular decision and that decision did not occur. From the perspective of practice, the expectation did not improve the other person’s wisdom. It only introduced craving/desire/attachment into the Practitioner’s own mind and caused discontentedness.

Preference Allows Flexibility Without Indifference

Preference provides a wiser way to approach circumstances in which one outcome appears more beneficial than another. A Practitioner could have a preference based on considerable wisdom while remaining peaceful if the other person chooses differently. A parent could prefer that a child avoid conduct likely to produce harmful results. A Teacher might prefer that a Student practice diligently. A doctor might prefer that a patient follow beneficial medical guidance. A life partner might prefer honesty and faithfulness within the relationship. An employer might prefer that agreed work be completed properly and on time.

None of these preferences require indifference. The Practitioner is able to communicate with clarity, explain the reasons for the preference, describe likely results, and make future decisions based upon what the other person actually chooses. The difference is that preference does not make the happiness of the Practitioner’s mind dependent upon another person agreeing. The Practitioner might prefer one outcome and still recognize, “This other being remains the decision-maker. If they choose differently, I will observe the result and determine what decision would then be wise for me”.

This is where preference creates flexibility. The Practitioner is not surrendering wisdom or abandoning the ability to evaluate conduct. They are abandoning the craving that says reality must conform to the preferred outcome and no longer basing their feelings on what does or does not occur. The mind can therefore remain peaceful while continuing to make clear and decisive choices.

Living According to What Exists Now

Expectation directs the mind toward an imagined future and then asks reality to conform to that imagination. Wisdom continually returns the Practitioner to what actually exists. What has this person actually decided? What circumstances are present now? What agreement presently exists? Has that agreement changed? What conditioned feeling is arising? What expectation has been revealed? What would be a wise decision based upon true reality now? These questions bring the Practitioner back to circumstances that can actually be known and worked with.

Previous material in this book explains that craving can pull the mind into the future through expectations about how another person is supposed to behave. Planning for the future remains beneficial, but expectation cannot be confused with present reality. Past experiences can also provide useful information, but the Practitioner does not attempt to force the present to reproduce the past.

When a plan changes, the Practitioner examines the new circumstances. When an agreement is not fulfilled, the Practitioner observes what happened and makes another decision. When a promise is not fulfilled, the Practitioner uses that information wisely. When another person changes their mind, the Practitioner recognizes that the person remains the decision-maker of their own life. When a preferred outcome does not occur, the Practitioner remains peaceful and determines what decision is now beneficial. This way of living is not passive. The Practitioner is continually making decisions, but those decisions increasingly arise from wisdom rather than craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations which would only produce discontentedness and disharmony in relationships.

From Expectation Toward Control

Expectations naturally lead into the next challenge that needs to be understood in relationships. Once the mind becomes attached to a particular outcome, it frequently begins searching for ways to make that outcome occur. The thought “I expect you to do this” can gradually become “How do I get you to do this?” The person might repeat advice, increase pressure, criticize, argue, appeal to guilt, withdraw friendliness, attempt to create fear, use previous giving as leverage, or continually explain why the other person needs to make a different decision. The original expectation is now beginning to influence intentions, communication, and actions with the potential of disharmony.

This is an important transition because sharing wisdom and attempting to control another being are not the same thing. A parent could guide a child. A

Teacher could guide a Student. A life partner could communicate concerns. A friend could offer advice. An employer could explain what is needed for continued employment. In all of these situations, the Practitioner is able to communicate clearly and make wise decisions without requiring that another being choose according to the Practitioner’s preferences.

The essential question becomes whether the Practitioner is sharing information and wisdom while recognizing the other being as the decision-maker, or whether craving/desire/attachment has created an expectation that the Practitioner is now attempting to enforce. Understanding that distinction is necessary because guidance can appear wholesome on the surface while craving and control are operating underneath.

The next chapter will therefore examine Guidance or Control? Knowing the Difference, helping the Practitioner recognize the point at which sharing wisdom, offering advice, or communicating a preference changes into attempting to make another being live according to one’s own craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations.