Living a Life of Harmony

The previous chapter examined how livelihood can gradually become part of a peaceful and joyful life rather than something the Practitioner merely tolerates in order to obtain financial resources. Through Right Livelihood, wise decision-making, generosity, meditation, wholesome communication, continual development, and the gradual elimination of craving/desire/attachment, the Practitioner can develop a way of sustaining life that causes no harm, supports the resources needed for daily living, contributes wholesomely to other beings, and eventually becomes something performed with motivation, enthusiasm, ease, and deep enjoyment. This provides an appropriate transition into the final chapter because livelihood is only one part of the complete life being developed. The Practitioner does not practice The Teachings only while meditating, only while interacting with family members, only while navigating a life partnership, or only while participating in a certain livelihood. The same mind moves through every area of life and participates in every relationship.

Throughout a lifetime, that mind interacts with parents, children, siblings, extended family members, friends, Teachers, Students, life partners, coworkers, supervisors, employees, customers, clients, neighbors, people the Practitioner meets for the first time, and countless beings encountered only briefly. The same mind experiences closeness and separation, agreement and disagreement, praise and criticism, gain and loss, physical comfort and physical pain, professional accomplishment and professional change, favorable financial conditions and financial loss, sickness, aging, destruction, and death. Each circumstance provides another environment in which intentions are formed, decisions are made, communication occurs, bodily actions are performed, and results are experienced through The Natural Law of Kamma. The development of harmony therefore reaches considerably beyond becoming more skillful within one particular relationship. The Practitioner is gradually developing a mind and a life through which all relationships with all beings can eventually be experienced harmoniously.

The objective established at the beginning of this book was intentionally much greater than merely reducing arguments, improving communication, or developing several pleasant relationships. Harmony in relationships is the ability to interact with other beings through wisdom, wholesome intentions, wise communication, and harmless actions while maintaining a peaceful, calm, serene, and content mind with joy. This definition does not require another being to agree, communicate according to preference, remain close, behave wisely, accept guidance, or participate harmoniously in return. Harmony develops as the Practitioner trains their own mind so that craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality) are gradually eliminated while generosity, loving-kindness, and wisdom increasingly influence how life is experienced and how decisions are made.

The final objective is therefore not simply having several relationships that generally go well. It is the development of 100% harmonious relationships with all beings. At first, this may appear nearly impossible because the unEnlightened mind naturally imagines that such a result would require every being encountered throughout life to become polite, honest, wise, agreeable, considerate, and interested in producing harmonious relationships. But harmony has never depended upon creating a world in which every other being behaves according to the Practitioner’s preferences. The entire book has gradually been teaching something considerably different. The Practitioner develops the mind from which every relationship is experienced. As that mind changes, the experience of relationships changes, the decisions being placed into relationships change, and the results produced through those decisions change. Eventually, when all of the conditions maintaining the unEnlightened mind have been removed, harmony becomes the natural expression of the unconditioned Enlightened mind.

One Mind Enters Every Relationship

One of the most important understandings to carry forward from everything learned throughout this book is that the Practitioner does not possess a different mind for every relationship. There is not one mind interacting with a life partner, another mind entering the workplace, another communicating with parents, another participating with friends, and yet another encountering people they don’t know. The same mind enters every circumstance. The outward relationship changes, the role may be different, the degree of closeness may vary considerably, and the wise form of participation may differ, but the mind experiencing each of those relationships is the same mind.

This is why a pollution that becomes visible through one particular relationship should not be understood too narrowly. If anger repeatedly arises with a life partner, the deeper issue is not merely learning how to avoid becoming angry with that one person. Anger remains within the mind, and another circumstance involving another being can eventually provide the contact through which that same pollution becomes visible. If jealousy develops when a coworker receives recognition, the problem is not the coworker or the workplace. The conditions producing jealousy exist within the Practitioner’s own mind and may later become visible when a friend experiences financial success, a sibling accomplishes something significant, another business develops successfully, or a life partner receives attention. If attachment becomes visible when an adult child becomes increasingly independent, the Practitioner has not merely discovered a parenting challenge. The mind has revealed craving/desire/attachment that can produce discontentedness whenever circumstances do not correspond with what the mind wants.

Relationships therefore provide exceptionally valuable environments through which the Practitioner can discover what remains untrained. A person may initially think, “This relationship is difficult,” “This person makes me angry,” or “This circumstance is causing my anxiety,” but greater wisdom allows the Practitioner to investigate what is actually occurring within the mind. A parent may discover craving for an adult child to accept guidance. A friend may discover that frequent communication has quietly become an expectation. A life partner may discover that affection has become connected with personal existence view so that a change in affection is interpreted as evidence concerning “me” or “my value”. An employee may discover resentment toward a supervisor because the mind craves greater authority over decisions. A business owner may discover conceit because another company’s success feels personally threatening. The external relationships differ considerably, but internally the Practitioner is repeatedly being shown what unwholesome qualities remain within the mind that need to be eliminated.

This understanding allows the life practice to become considerably more efficient because the Practitioner gradually stops developing separate explanations for every relationship and begins recognizing the common mental processes moving through all of them. The child does not insert attachment into the parent. The supervisor does not insert anger into the employee. The successful friend does not insert jealousy into another being. The life partner does not insert insecurity into the Practitioner. Each relationship provides contact through which what remains within the mind becomes visible. The Practitioner can then apply Right Mindfulness, Right Effort, meditation, Analysis of The Mind, generosity, loving-kindness, and the other aspects of The Path to eliminate the underlying pollution rather than continually attempting to rearrange the external world.

The benefit of training at this deeper level becomes increasingly significant because genuine progress then extends simultaneously into many relationships. A Practitioner who eliminates jealousy does not merely become less jealous toward one selected person. Jealousy has been removed from the mind and therefore cannot be produced toward another being later. A Practitioner who eliminates craving for agreement does not merely become more capable of disagreeing with one family member. The mind becomes increasingly capable of hearing different views from all beings without interpreting disagreement as a personal threat. A Practitioner who eliminates attachment to praise becomes less dependent upon praise from supervisors, friends, family members, Students, life partners, and individuals they do not know alike. The training becomes universal because the mind being trained is the same mind that enters every relationship.

This is also why the Practitioner does not ultimately need a separate approach for family life, friendship, parenting, marriage, employment, disagreement, loss, or wise participation with other beings. The practical details differ, but the underlying training remains the same. The Practitioner continues acquiring wisdom, training their own mind, eliminating craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality), cultivating generosity and loving-kindness, practicing The Eight Fold Path, and observing the results produced by increasingly wholesome decisions. The same Teachings gradually permeate the entire life.

Craving, Anger, and Ignorance Describe the Same Pollution as The Ten Fetters

Throughout this book, craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality) have frequently been used as a high-level description of the pollutions affecting the unEnlightened mind. These three are also described as The Three Poisons, The Three Unwholesome Roots, or The Three Fires. The Ten Fetters provide the deeper and considerably more detailed description of the same pollution of mind. These are not two unrelated collections of mental pollutions. Craving, anger, and ignorance provide the broad understanding, while The Ten Fetters allow the Practitioner to examine those pollutions with considerably greater precision.

This distinction becomes especially important when considering the objective of practicing these Teachings within all relationships. A person can learn to control their outward behavior while substantial pollution remains internally. Someone can avoid speaking harshly while resentment remains active within the mind. They can smile politely while secretly hoping another being fails. They can practice generosity while conceit causes them to interpret themselves as superior because of what they gave. They can remain within a peaceful-looking relationship while personal existence view interprets the other person’s conduct as continual statements concerning “me,” “my importance,” “my value,” or “my position”. They can remain outwardly faithful within a life partnership while sensual desire continues strongly influencing the mind. Outward moral conduct is essential and is one of the first steps in training the mind to eliminate its pollutions, but the ultimate objective extends considerably deeper than becoming more skilled at concealing unwholesome mental activity.

The pollutions themselves need to be uprooted because wherever the cause remains, circumstances can eventually provide the contact through which the result appears. Someone may go several weeks without becoming angry and conclude that anger has largely disappeared, only to encounter a circumstance that strongly opposes a craving and suddenly discover that ill will remains in the mind. A person may think jealousy has been eliminated because nobody close to them has recently experienced a highly desirable success, yet when another being later receives the exact opportunity the Practitioner wanted, jealousy becomes visible. The absence of an external trigger does not necessarily mean the pollution has been eliminated. The Practitioner needs to continue observing the mind over a long period of time and through many changing circumstances.

This is why Right Effort remains central from the earliest stages of practice through the complete purification of the mind. The Practitioner prevents and eliminates what is unwholesome while producing and maintaining what is wholesome. Craving becomes weaker while generosity increases. Anger and ill will decrease while loving-kindness develops. Ignorance is gradually replaced with wisdom. Restlessness diminishes while concentration strengthens. Conceit weakens while equality becomes increasingly natural. Attachment decreases while True Love becomes increasingly pure. The Practitioner is therefore not merely learning what not to say or what not to do as rules or some sort of decision tree. The mind itself is gradually being transformed so that wholesome qualities increasingly influence intentions, communication, bodily actions, and all the decisions an individual makes on a daily basis.

This explains why meaningful improvements can be experienced long before complete Enlightenment. A Practitioner does not need to wait until every pollution has been uprooted before relationships begin improving. As anger decreases, disagreement becomes easier. As attachment decreases, changes in communication, physical proximity, affection, and participation become less disturbing. As jealousy decreases, another being’s success becomes easier to enjoy. As conceit decreases, receiving useful information from someone younger, less wealthy, less educated, or positioned lower within an organization becomes easier. As expectations decrease, the Practitioner becomes increasingly comfortable with other beings making their own decisions without continually experiencing disappointment. As wisdom increases, unwise participation can be recognized earlier and changed before harmful results accumulate. Life gradually becomes more harmonious because the causes producing disharmony are gradually being removed.

The Four Healthy Mental States Increasingly Permeate Relationships

The Path to Enlightenment does not consist only of identifying and eliminating what is unwholesome. Right Effort includes the development and maintenance of wholesome mental qualities as well. As the Practitioner gradually eliminates anger, jealousy, resentment, craving, worry, anxiety, restlessness, conceit, and other pollutions, the mind is gradually becoming empty of these unwholesome qualities while generosity, loving-kindness, wisdom, and other wholesome qualities increasingly permeate the mind and become more naturally expressed throughout relationships.

Loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity are especially important within this development and have been described throughout this book as The Four Healthy Mental States. Loving-kindness is active goodwill toward all beings without judgment and a genuine interest in seeing all beings be well. Compassion is concern for the misfortunes of others. Sympathetic joy is joy for another being’s success, even when the Practitioner did not contribute to that success. Equanimity is mental calmness, composure, evenness of temper, and the ability to treat beings impartially.

These are mental qualities rather than fixed outward actions, and this distinction becomes important within a life of harmony. Loving-kindness toward a being does not require close association with that being. Compassion does not mean the Practitioner must personally solve every difficulty another being experiences. Sympathetic joy does not require participation in every celebration. Equanimity does not mean remaining physically present within every circumstance. Wisdom continues determining what action, if any, is appropriate. The wholesome mental quality can remain while participation changes.

Consider a friend who receives an extraordinary professional opportunity that the Practitioner was also interested in receiving. The unEnlightened mind can easily compare, interpret the friend’s success as a personal loss, and develop jealousy or resentment. Sympathetic joy helps the Practitioner to genuinely appreciate the favorable result experienced by the friend without constructing the circumstance through winning and losing, superiority and inferiority, or the belief that another being’s success reduces the Practitioner’s own value. Loving-kindness maintains a genuine interest in the friend’s wellbeing, while equanimity helps the Practitioner remain peaceful regarding their own circumstances and use wisdom to determine what decision would be beneficial next.

Suppose instead that the same friend experiences a significant loss. Compassion becomes relevant because the Practitioner possesses genuine concern regarding the misfortune. But compassion does not require the Practitioner to become mentally discontent in order to prove that they care. The Practitioner can remain peaceful, understand what assistance may be useful, provide resources where generosity is wise, listen when an open door exists, and continue caring about the being’s wellbeing. An Enlightened being would not experience worry or mental anguish because the causes of those mental states have been eliminated. Their absence does not diminish compassion or the quality of the assistance being offered but instead enhances it.

As the pollutions are gradually removed, these healthy mental qualities become increasingly natural. The Practitioner initially may need to intentionally practice Loving-kindness Meditation because ill will remains within the mind. They may intentionally practice generosity because holding and grasping remain strong. They may deliberately cultivate sympathetic joy because jealousy still appears. They may consciously practice equanimity because the mind still has desire for certain beings and circumstances over others. As the underlying pollutions are uprooted, less effort is needed to prevent them from interfering. Eventually, within the Enlightened mind, the wholesome qualities are no longer competing with craving, anger, ignorance (unknowing of true reality), jealousy, conceit, resentment, or other unwholesome qualities because those pollutions have been completely removed.

The result is not an Enlightened being continually reminding themselves, “I should practice loving-kindness now,” or “I need to remember equanimity”. By that stage, the pollutions that previously interfered with those qualities no longer remain. Loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, equanimity, generosity, wisdom, and harmlessness can therefore be expressed naturally because what once obscured them has been removed. The unwholesome qualities have been eliminated and wholesome qualities permeate the mind at all times, readily available in all situations.

The Eight Fold Path Has Been Training the Decision-Maker’s Mind

Although this book has examined many different relationship circumstances, the underlying training has remained remarkably consistent because every relationship ultimately involves decisions. A parent makes decisions concerning how to guide a child. A friend makes decisions concerning association with others. A life partner makes decisions concerning shared participation. A Teacher decides whether and how to offer guidance. A Student decides whether to learn and practice. An employer decides how to lead. An employee decides how diligently to perform work. A person experiencing disagreement decides how to communicate. Someone experiencing discontentedness decides whether to look outward for another being to blame or inward to investigate the craving/desire/attachment present within their own mind.

The circumstances differ, but the decision-maker’s mind is always being developed.

The Eight Fold Path trains that decision-maker’s mind. Right View allows the Practitioner to understand reality increasingly accurately rather than through craving, anger, or ignorance (unknowing of true reality). Right Intention influences the mental direction from which decisions develop. Right Speech guides communication. Right Action guides bodily conduct. Right Livelihood guides how life is sustained. Right Effort prevents and eliminates unwholesome mental qualities while producing and maintaining wholesome qualities. Right Mindfulness develops awareness of what is occurring within the body and mind. Right Concentration develops singleness of mind, stability, concentration, and clarity of mind. These factors do not operate as eight unrelated Teachings. Together they transform the quality of the mind from which decisions arise.

This is why relationship practice cannot ultimately be separated from The Path to Enlightenment. When irritation begins developing during a disagreement and Right Mindfulness recognizes the bodily sensations associated with the arising of discontentedness, relationship practice and The Path are the same practice. When Right Effort is applied to cut off and let go of the developing unwholesome mental activity, the Practitioner is walking The Path. When Analysis of The Mind later identifies the expectation that produced the conditioned feeling, Right View is being strengthened. When the Practitioner communicates at the proper time, truthfully, gently, beneficially, and with loving-kindness, Right Speech is being practiced. When bodily action avoids harm, Right Action is present. When meditation has developed enough concentration that the Practitioner can listen fully instead of mentally preparing the next argument, Right Concentration supports the relationship directly.

The deeper result is that the Practitioner becomes increasingly capable of making wise decisions within circumstances that have never been encountered before. No book could provide a specific instruction for every disagreement, friendship, family circumstance, life partnership, workplace issue, financial decision, illness, change, and unexpected event that will arise throughout a lifetime. What The Teachings of The Buddha can provide is something considerably more useful: the development of the mind that will meet those circumstances. The Practitioner can then make wise decisions that produce wholesome results (i.e. wholesome Kamma). A well-developed mind can investigate what is occurring, acquire the information needed, understand causes and likely results, and then make the wisest decision reasonably available.

This is why developing the decision-maker’s mind becomes considerably more important than memorizing hundreds of relationship rules. A person can memorize many rules while the underlying mind remains filled with craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality), and the mind will eventually encounter a circumstance that does not fit the memorized example. Wisdom provides something more adaptable. As the mind is trained, the Practitioner increasingly becomes capable of understanding new circumstances without needing someone else to provide an exact instruction for every decision because that is impossible.

The Red Light Continues Revealing What Remains

One of the most practical tools developed throughout this book is the understanding of discontentedness as the Red Light. When discontentedness arises, the Practitioner has received valuable information: craving/desire/attachment remains within the mind and needs investigation. The Red Light does not indicate that another person has successfully inserted an unwanted mental state into the Practitioner’s mind. Nor does it establish that the relationship itself is problematic. It indicates that craving/desire/attachment remains active within the mind and conditioned feelings are being produced.

This becomes especially useful within relationships because the mind can easily remain unaware of an expectation while another being continues satisfying it. If a life partner always communicates at a particular time, the Practitioner may not recognize that an expectation has developed. If an adult child always accepts a parent’s guidance, attachment to being listened to may remain hidden. If a friend always agrees to familiar activities, craving for the relationship to remain unchanged may never become visible. If an employer repeatedly provides praise, attachment to professional recognition may remain unnoticed. The pollution becomes easier to see when the circumstance finally changes.

A life partner changes a familiar plan, the adult child chooses another direction, the friend develops a different interest, or the supervisor disagrees with a recommendation. The mind then produces discontentedness because a craving/desire/attachment that had previously been satisfied is no longer being satisfied. The unEnlightened mind naturally wants to move outward and repair the external circumstance so the craving can become satisfied again. The Practitioner learning The Teachings develops another skill. Once the conditioned feeling has passed and the mind can investigate clearly, it would be wise to perform an Analysis of The Mind to understand what the mind wanted, what it expected, what it was attempting to preserve, and what it wanted another being to do differently.

The objective is not merely to arrange the world so that the craving becomes satisfied again. Satisfying a craving does not necessarily eliminate the craving. It simply creates another temporary period during which reality corresponds with what the mind wants. If the life partner restores the original plan, irritation may disappear, but the expectation can remain. If the friend finally communicates, loneliness may disappear, but attachment to communication can remain. If the child accepts the parent’s advice, anxiety may disappear, but craving that the child follow guidance remains. If the same craving remains, another Red Light can arise when a later circumstance again does not satisfy that craving.

The Practitioner therefore learns through relationships to identify the causes of discontentedness and then trains the mind until those causes are eliminated. Over time, this process can be independently verified. Within a circumstance in which considerable irritation once arose, the Practitioner may later observe only a small amount. Eventually, the same type of circumstance can occur without discontentedness arising at all. The other being may not have changed. The external situation may be nearly identical. What changed was the mind encountering it.

This gradual disappearance of the Red Light becomes one of the clearest ways the Practitioner can observe progress toward the Enlightened mind. The objective is not to become highly skilled at recovering from discontentedness after it repeatedly appears. The deeper objective is to continue eliminating the underlying causes until there is nothing remaining from which discontentedness could arise.

Their Life, Their Decisions, Their Results

One of the simplest understandings developed throughout this book is also one of the most consequential:

Their Life -> Their Decisions -> Their Results

Your Life -> Your Decisions -> Your Results

Another being can certainly make decisions that create external circumstances the Practitioner experiences. A supervisor can end employment. A life partner can spend shared money unwisely. A friend can stop communicating. A family member can damage property. Someone can speak dishonestly about the Practitioner and damage reputation. A customer can end a contract. Human lives overlap continually, and the decisions of other beings can therefore enter circumstances the Practitioner experiences.

The Teaching does not deny these external effects. It clarifies where decision-making resides.

The other being remains the decision-maker within their own life, while the Practitioner remains the decision-maker within their own. The Practitioner can acquire information, ask questions, explain likely results, communicate concerns, offer guidance when there is an open door, and decide whether continued participation remains wise. What the Practitioner cannot do is enter another being’s mind and make the decision for them.

A considerable amount of unnecessary relationship conflict develops because the mind refuses to accept this reality. A parent repeatedly tries to force an adult child toward a particular career or life choice. A life partner continually gives advice that was never requested. A friend becomes consumed with preventing another friend from making an unwise decision. A coworker becomes angry because management selected another approach. In each circumstance, the Practitioner may possess useful information, but useful information does not create authority over another being’s life.

As wisdom develops, the Practitioner becomes increasingly comfortable with other beings making their own decisions and experiencing the results produced by those decisions. This does not mean becoming indifferent. The Practitioner can genuinely care, share information when asked, offer assistance where appropriate, and remain available if guidance is later requested. But they no longer need to repeat the same advice ten times merely because the other person did not make the decision the Practitioner preferred.

This becomes especially significant within close relationships because attachment can easily disguise attempted control as love. The parent thinks, “I only want what is best for my child,” while the mind becomes intensely discontent when the adult child decides differently. The life partner says, “I am only trying to help,” while continually attempting to manage another adult’s choices. The friend says, “I care about you,” while continually interfering with the other being’s opportunity to learn from the results of their own decisions. True Love can certainly motivate wise guidance where there is an open door, but True Love does not require the Practitioner to control the result.

For an Enlightened being, this understanding is complete. There is no craving to make another being develop wisdom according to a particular schedule. The Enlightened being can possess substantial wisdom and remain completely peaceful when someone chooses not to ask for it. Loving-kindness remains, compassion remains, and genuine care remains, but the other being’s life continues belonging to that being.

Advice Is Given When There Is an Open Door

The wisdom concerning separate lives becomes especially important when deciding whether to offer advice. A substantial amount of disharmony develops when one being continually attempts to guide another being who has not requested guidance. The Practitioner sees another person making a decision they think is unwise and feels immediately compelled to intervene. The mind may interpret this compulsion as care, but care does not produce this type of conduct. Closer investigation of the mind can reveal craving for a particular result.

There is a considerable difference between being willing to share wisdom and attempting to manage or control another being’s life. When someone asks for guidance, an open door exists. The Practitioner might decide to explain what they understand, describe causes and likely results, answer questions, and help the person acquire useful information. A Teacher is able to teach a Student who has a sincere interest in learning. A parent could provide age-appropriate guidance to a child who still needs direction. A friend might choose to respond thoughtfully when another friend genuinely asks for advice.

When there is no open door, choosing to insert advice has become another expression of craving/desire/attachment and conceit. The Practitioner is no longer merely sharing information. The mind is attempting to change the other being because it is uncomfortable with that person making their own decision.

This becomes easier as attachment decreases because the Practitioner becomes increasingly capable of observing another adult make a decision they would not personally make without feeling compelled to intervene repeatedly. The person may acquire wisdom through the result of that decision. The Practitioner can remain available if guidance is later requested, but they do not need to stand beside the person continually explaining that the choice is wrong.

For the Enlightened being, there is no craving to force wisdom into another being because they understand that doing so is impossible. The Enlightened being can possess considerable knowledge and remain entirely comfortable when another person has no interest in receiving it. This is not indifference. Loving-kindness remains. Compassion remains. The genuine interest in seeing the being be well remains. But wisdom also understands that the other being remains the decision-maker within their own life. Attempting to force what the Practitioner understands onto others would be highly unwise because such conduct would originate from craving and conceit.

Harmony Does Not Require Reciprocity

One of the strongest misunderstandings surrounding harmony is the idea that harmony describes something two beings must create together. If both people are polite, the relationship appears harmonious. If both agree, harmony appears present. If both communicate in the preferred way and fulfill each other’s expectations, the relationship appears successful. If one being behaves differently, harmony is then thought to have disappeared.

This interpretation makes the Practitioner’s peace dependent upon another being and therefore leaves harmony continually vulnerable to circumstances outside the Practitioner’s control.

The definition used throughout this book establishes a considerably more stable foundation. Harmony describes the quality of mind through which the Practitioner participates. Another person does not need to behave harmoniously in return for the Practitioner to maintain harmony within their own experience of the relationship. Someone can speak harshly while the Practitioner remains peaceful. Someone can disagree while the Practitioner remains calm and polite. Someone can reject guidance while anger does not arise within the Practitioner. Someone can behave dishonestly and provide information indicating that continued participation is unwise while hatred does not arise within the Practitioner.

This does not mean the decisions of other beings become irrelevant. Wisdom continues observing what other beings are doing because their decisions can produce external results within shared circumstances. A dishonest business partner can create financial consequences. A life partner can make decisions that affect shared resources. An employee can continually choose not to perform work after receiving appropriate training. A person can damage the Practitioner’s physical body, material possessions, or reputation. A friend can repeatedly create circumstances involving dishonesty or heedlessness that the Practitioner continues choosing to participate in. These are real results and should be understood accurately.

It may be wise to reduce or end participation in these relationships, but that decision does not determine whether harmony exists.

The difference is that the Practitioner does not need to become mentally unwholesome in order to understand them and choose whether to continue in the relationship or not. This allows two separate questions to remain clear. The first is: What decisions is this other being making, and what results are those decisions producing? The second is: Given those decisions and results, what is the wisest decision for me regarding my own participation? The Practitioner does not need to add a third question asking how they can force the other being to become different.

This understanding becomes complete in the Enlightened mind. Another person can occasionally behave rudely, dishonestly, angrily, or otherwise unwisely toward an Enlightened being, and the Enlightened mind remains peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy. There is no internal struggle in which anger first appears and then needs to be eliminated. The pollution from which anger could arise is no longer present in the Enlightened mind; therefore, anger does not arise. Wisdom simply acquires information and determines what participation is appropriate while the mind remains peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy.

Harmony Does Not Require Continued Participation

A peaceful and harmonious mind does not require permanent participation with every being. Earlier chapters examined the importance of wise association, selecting friends carefully, choosing a life partner wisely, understanding relationships with Non-Practitioners, and determining when participation within a particular circumstance continues producing beneficial results. Those Teachings remain fully relevant as harmony develops. Loving-kindness toward all beings does not mean every being becomes an appropriate person for close association. Equality does not mean identical participation. True Love does not require proximity.

Suppose another being continually makes decisions that produce harmful results within the Practitioner’s life. They may damage the Practitioner’s physical body, material possessions, or reputation. They may repeatedly act dishonestly in circumstances involving shared resources. Continued participation may repeatedly involve circumstances in which the other being engages in harmful conduct. The Practitioner would not be wise to conclude that developing harmony means continuing participation exactly as before while simply attempting to remain peaceful internally. Wisdom examines the external results and makes appropriate decisions.

The Enlightened being can end participation without needing to create an enemy. They do not need to convince themselves that the other person is terrible before leaving. They do not need anger as motivation, revenge afterward, gossip, or an apology from the other person before peace becomes possible. The Enlightened being simply understands that certain decisions are being made, those decisions are producing particular results, and continued participation is no longer wise.

The same principle applies to many ordinary circumstances that another being may dislike but that do not constitute harm. Ending someone’s employment because they repeatedly choose not to apply reasonable effort after receiving appropriate training is not harming that employee. Their own work decisions produced the professional result. Ending a relationship is not harm. Declining a request is not harm. Choosing not to establish a friendship is not harm. Making a business decision another person would have preferred to be different is not harm. Another being may experience conditioned painful feelings because the result does not satisfy their craving, but another being experiencing a conditioned painful feeling does not prove that the Practitioner caused harm. The conditioned painful feelings are caused by craving/desire/attachment within that being’s own mind, not by the external circumstances.

Harm needs to be understood accurately. Causing harm means causing harm to another being’s physical body, material possessions, or reputation. This distinction prevents the Practitioner from becoming trapped within the impossible objective of arranging life so that no being ever experiences disappointment or conditioned painful feelings. Different beings possess different cravings, and a decision satisfying one person’s craving may fail to satisfy another’s. The Practitioner therefore examines whether the decision itself is wise, morally wholesome, and harmless rather than attempting to make every being pleased with every result.

True Love Becomes Increasingly Pure

One of the most important distinctions developed throughout this book is the difference between True Love and craving/desire/attachment. Many people have been conditioned to think that the intensity of painful feelings surrounding a relationship demonstrates the depth of love. Missing someone is described as evidence of love. Jealousy is interpreted as evidence that a person cares. Grief is interpreted as proof of how deeply a being was loved. Fear of separation can be romanticized as devotion. Possessiveness can be mistaken for closeness.

The Teachings of The Buddha guide the Practitioner to investigate these assumptions rather than accepting them simply because they are familiar or because countless others have adopted them without understanding true reality.

True Love is loving-kindness: a genuine interest in seeing all beings be well. True Love does not require the other being to remain nearby, communicate frequently, behave according to preference, agree, continue fulfilling a familiar role, remain healthy, remain alive, or provide conditioned pleasant experiences. Attachment introduces those requirements, which produce disharmony in relationships. The mind begins wanting the other person to remain available in particular ways, and when impermanence changes the circumstances, discontentedness arises because reality no longer corresponds with what the mind wanted.

As attachment is gradually eliminated, the Practitioner does not become less loving. True Love becomes increasingly pure because it is no longer mixed with demands and expectations. A parent can deeply love an adult child without requiring that child to follow a predetermined life plan. A life partner can deeply love the other being without needing every activity to be shared. A friend can deeply love another friend without requiring daily communication. A Student can deeply appreciate a Teacher without requiring the Teacher’s physical presence forever. A Teacher can deeply care for a Student without craving that the Student progress at a particular speed.

This allows closeness itself to become considerably more wholesome. Two beings can spend enormous amounts of time together without either mind becoming dependent upon constant togetherness. Frequent communication can occur without expectation. Affection can be thoroughly enjoyed without clinging. Life partners can travel together, sleep beside one another, participate in familiar routines, share sexual intimacy, raise children, and build a meaningful life together without the mind demanding that any of those conditioned circumstances become permanent.

When the Enlightened mind experiences a relationship, True Love is no longer mixed with craving/desire/attachment. The other being can change, move away, reduce communication, choose another activity, end participation, or eventually die without the Enlightened mind producing grief, sadness, sorrow, resentment, jealousy, or another discontented feeling. Love remains because love was never the cause of those mental states. Craving/desire/attachment was the cause, and as it is progressively eliminated, True Love increasingly shines through and is practiced within all relationships.

Equality Does Not Mean Identical Participation

Conceit can create considerable disharmony because it continually measures beings against one another. One being has more education while another has less. One possesses greater wealth. Another possesses greater professional knowledge. One person has organizational authority while another follows instructions. One is older, another younger. One understands The Teachings deeply, another has never encountered them. One possesses great ability in one area while another is only beginning.

These factual differences may be important information, but they do not make one being superior or inferior.

The Enlightened being can understand differences with exceptional clarity precisely because conceit is no longer interfering with the investigation. If another person possesses substantially greater medical knowledge, that expertise can be acknowledged without transforming the physician into a superior being. If someone possesses little financial knowledge, that limitation can be understood without declaring the person inferior. If a child needs guidance because they have not yet developed adult wisdom, the parent can provide that guidance without interpreting adulthood as greater human worth.

Equality also does not mean identical participation. The Practitioner can practice loving-kindness toward all beings while spending considerable time with some and very little time with others. They can select a life partner carefully, choose wholesome friends, decline a business partnership, end participation with someone who repeatedly causes harm, learn closely from one Teacher, or have little interaction with another. Wisdom determines participation while equality ensures that differences in participation are not transformed into superior and inferior beings.

When conceit is eliminated, relationships become considerably easier because the mind is no longer continually defending its position within an imagined hierarchy. There is no humiliation in learning from someone younger, no need to prove intelligence during disagreement, and no need to possess the highest salary, the greatest authority, the most recognition, or the final word. Information can be examined according to whether it is accurate, wise, and beneficial rather than according to the social position of the person who provided it.

Relationships Begin to Blossom as the Practitioner Changes

Understanding that harmony is developed within the Practitioner does not mean external relationships remain unchanged while only the internal experience improves. Over time, repeated decisions naturally influence what is experienced within relationships through The Natural Law of Kamma. A person who repeatedly communicates harshly places particular causes into relationships. Other beings may respond defensively, withdraw, conceal information, stop asking questions, respond harshly in return, or eventually reduce participation. Someone who repeatedly gossips may discover that people no longer trust them with private information. When a person continually expresses jealousy, friends may choose to share favorable developments less often. Someone who repeatedly attempts to control other beings may find that people distance themselves in order to preserve independence.

These results are not mysterious. They develop from decisions.

The opposite process occurs as the Practitioner trains the mind. Consider what gradually develops when someone practices The Teachings diligently for many years. Anger becomes less frequent. Speech becomes increasingly polite, kind, friendly, and respectful. Dishonesty is eliminated. Gossip decreases and is eventually eliminated. Jealousy weakens. Generosity becomes increasingly natural. The Practitioner listens carefully, keeps agreements more reliably, acknowledges unwise decisions without protecting ego, becomes willing to learn, treats beings with equality, and stops repeatedly inserting unwanted advice into other people’s lives.

Other beings experience these qualities directly. Family members learn that honest communication can occur without hostility. Friends know that favorable developments can be shared without jealousy arising within the Practitioner. Students understand that questions can be asked without being met with belittling or disrespectful communication. Employees understand that a mistake can be investigated without personal attack. A life partner understands that disagreement does not automatically threaten the relationship. People gradually learn that the Practitioner’s kindness does not disappear simply because something unwanted occurred.

Relationships can therefore begin to blossom as the Practitioner’s conduct becomes increasingly wholesome.

This development does not suddenly appear when the mind is Enlightened. The causes have been accumulating for years. By the time the mind is Enlightened, the person has generally spent multiple years placing wholesome decisions into relationships. They have been polite, kind, friendly, respectful, generous, honest, dependable, and increasingly wise for such a long period that those qualities have shaped the results being experienced in return.

There may still occasionally be another being who behaves rudely, dishonestly, or unwisely. The Enlightened being does not control decisions made by another person in the world. But discontentedness does not arise within the Enlightened mind in response to these circumstances, and wisdom determines whether participation should continue. The overall pattern of relationships has become very different because bitterness, harshness, hostility, jealousy, deception, and other unwholesome causes are no longer continually being placed into relationships.

Enlightenment Is Gradually Experienced

One of the most important understandings concerning Enlightenment is that the Practitioner does not experience development as though nothing meaningful is occurring for years and then, at one obvious moment, suddenly becomes entirely different. The Path is gradual. Pollutions are gradually reduced, wholesome qualities gradually increase, wisdom expands, concentration strengthens, and the lived experience of the Practitioner changes throughout that development.

This gradual development can be observed directly through discontentedness. Earlier in the practice, the mind may become discontented many times throughout an ordinary day. A conversation occurs and irritation arises within the unEnlightened mind, traffic is encountered and frustration arises, a family member makes a decision and worry develops, or a plan changes and disappointment arises. Something desired is obtained and conditioned pleasant feelings arise as craving is satisfied; later, if craving for that favorable circumstance to continue is no longer satisfied, conditioned painful or neither-painful-nor-pleasant feelings can arise. The mind repeatedly moves according to whether external circumstances correspond with its cravings.

As the Practitioner learns to recognize the Red Light and eliminate the cravings producing these conditioned feelings, discontentedness becomes increasingly less frequent. Several peaceful days may begin appearing between disturbances, later several weeks may pass, and eventually the Practitioner may experience two months of nothing but peace and joy before a small amount of discontentedness becomes visible. The Practitioner investigates what occurred, identifies what remains, continues training, and then may later experience three or four months of uninterrupted peace before another small disturbance appears.

As development progresses through the Third Stage of Enlightenment, the remaining discontentedness can become so minor and infrequent that other beings surrounding the Practitioner may not even recognize when it occurs. The disturbance is internally visible but comparatively insignificant. The Practitioner continues applying The Teachings because the appearance of any discontentedness in the mind reveals that some pollution remains. Eventually six months may pass, then a year, then two years, then three years, while the mind remains peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy.

At some point during this gradual development there necessarily was a final occasion when the final pollution capable of producing discontentedness was uprooted. However, the Practitioner cannot realistically track the development of the mind with sufficient precision to know at that exact moment, “This was the final time the mind will ever be discontent”. The final experience does not announce itself as final.

Only later does the evidence become increasingly clear. The mind has remained peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy for such an extended period that the absence of discontentedness is no longer an unusually long period between disturbances. It has become the natural experience of the Enlightened mind on a consistent and long term basis. There are multiple years of no discontentedness arising in the mind. Then, the Practitioner will know the mind is experiencing Enlightenment.

This is why Enlightenment should not be presented merely as a single dramatic point of transformation. There is technically a final moment when the final pollution is removed, but the lived development toward that result is gradual and the exact moment cannot realistically be identified with certainty.

The importance of this distinction is not to identify an exact moment when Enlightenment occurred, but to understand accurately that the lived experience of purification is gradual even though there is necessarily a final occasion when the last remaining pollution is uprooted.

The Buddha explained the same Teaching:

“Monks, I do not say that final knowledge (wisdom) is achieved all at once. On the contrary, final knowledge is achieved by gradual training, by gradual practice, by gradual progress”.

(Reference: MN 70.22)

The Enlightened Mind Is Unconditioned

As the Practitioner continues eliminating craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality) in increasingly greater detail through the elimination of The Ten Fetters, the mind gradually becomes less dependent upon conditioned circumstances for its happiness. Earlier in practice, happiness may still fluctuate according to what is being experienced through The Six Sense Bases. When craving/desire/attachment is present, conditioned pleasant, painful, or neither-painful-nor-pleasant feelings can arise within the mind. The Practitioner learns to observe these processes because conditioned feelings reveal the craving/desire/attachment still present within the mind.

When purification becomes complete, the Enlightened mind should not be described as merely experiencing an exceptionally favorable condition of mind. The Enlightened mind is unconditioned. All of the conditions that maintained the mind in the unEnlightened state have been removed. Craving no longer conditions the mind to chase after pleasant experiences. Anger no longer provides the basis through which another being can become an object of hostility. Ignorance no longer causes impermanent circumstances to be misunderstood as though they should remain permanent. The Fetters no longer provide the mental conditions through which discontentedness could develop. The qualities of the unEnlightened mind have therefore been eliminated, allowing the qualities of Enlightenment to shine bright.

This distinction is considerably more important than simply saying that an Enlightened being is very peaceful. An unEnlightened person can experience long periods of peacefulness when circumstances are favorable. Their body may be healthy, finances stable, relationships pleasant, employment comfortable, and very little uncertainty present. If several of those conditions change, the mind may quickly become anxious, angry, frightened, frustrated, or discontent because the earlier peace depended substantially upon the external conditions remaining favorable.

The Enlightened mind is fundamentally different because peace, calmness, serenity, contentedness, and joy are no longer being produced by the arrangement of external circumstances. For this reason, discontented feelings become impossible. This should not be understood as though the Enlightened being possesses extraordinary emotional control and continually stops bad moods before they become severe. For an Enlightened being, a bad mood is impossible. Nor is the Enlightened being suppressing anger, jealousy, resentment, insecurity, grief, or disappointment through great discipline. Suppression would mean the unwholesome mental state had arisen and then needed to be pushed away. In the Enlightened mind, the pollution capable of producing the state has been uprooted.

Even if an Enlightened being attempted to force their mind to become discontent, they could not succeed because the necessary conditions no longer exist. This is considerably different from merely coping well with life. The Enlightened being does not need the world to cooperate in order to remain peaceful because peace is no longer something the external world provides and therefore is no longer something the external world can remove. The Enlightened mind is inwardly peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy. It is a permanent mental state that cannot be shaken no matter what situation or circumstance is being experienced.

Enjoyment Continues Without Conditioned Pleasant Feelings

The elimination of conditioned pleasant feelings can initially sound as though Enlightenment would remove enjoyment from life, but that interpretation would misunderstand both conditioned feeling and the nature of the Enlightened mind. An Enlightened being is able to thoroughly enjoy excellent food, a massage, beautiful scenery, comfortable surroundings, music, exercise, meaningful work, friendship, family, travel, learning, conversation, and countless other wholesome experiences available through The Six Sense Bases. What disappears is not enjoyment; what disappears is the craving through which the mind depends upon the pleasant object in order to manufacture a pleasant mental condition.

Consider a beautiful sunset. The unEnlightened mind may encounter the visual object, experience craving for the pleasant sensory experience, and produce a conditioned pleasant feeling while the craving is being satisfied. The person can easily conclude that the sunset made them happy because the pleasant feeling arose while the object was present. But the experience is conditioned and therefore impermanent. The sun disappears and attention moves elsewhere. If craving remains for the pleasant experience to continue, a conditioned painful feeling can arise, and the mind may later search for another desirable object through which another conditioned pleasant feeling can be produced.

The Enlightened being can look at the same sunset, appreciate its beauty, and thoroughly enjoy what is being seen without requiring the sunset to create joy. The mind is already peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy. When the sun disappears below the horizon, the joy does not disappear with it because the joy was never being manufactured by the visual object.

The same understanding applies to relationships. An Enlightened being can spend an entire day with someone close, laugh, eat together, travel, participate in meaningful activities, and thoroughly appreciate the relationship. When the person later leaves, the Enlightened mind does not become lonely or begin yearning for the being to return. The time together was completely enjoyed while it was occurring, but the mind never established the person’s continued presence as a condition necessary for peace and joy.

There is therefore nothing that needs to be “let go” because the mind never grabbed onto it.

This allows enjoyment to become considerably more complete because experiences no longer carry the hidden fear that they must continue. The Practitioner does not need to withdraw from relationships or pleasant experiences in order to avoid attachment. The training is not toward indifference. It is toward wisdom. Pleasant experiences can be thoroughly enjoyed while they exist and understood accurately through impermanence as their supporting causes and conditions change.

Physical Pain Remains Without Mental Anguish

The unconditioned Enlightened mind does not cause the physical body to become permanent or incapable of producing painful bodily sensations. The physical body remains part of conditioned existence and continues functioning according to biological causes and conditions. Injury, sickness, heat, cold, aging, and other bodily circumstances can therefore produce physical pain.

Physical pain continues serving a useful purpose because it provides information needed to protect the body. If an Enlightened being stands too close to a fire, physical pain provides information that tissue may be damaged and encourages the person to move away. If the body is injured, pain may indicate that movement should stop or medical care should be considered. If sickness develops, bodily sensations can help reveal that something has changed physically. Complete absence of this information would make wise decisions and wise protection of the physical body more difficult.

The important distinction is between physical pain and the mental anguish that the unEnlightened mind commonly adds to it. A person experiencing bodily pain may not only experience the physical sensation but also create an entire additional mental process in which the mind thinks that the pain should not be happening, cannot be tolerated, needs to stop immediately, or represents something that should not occur to “me”. Fear can develop regarding how long the pain may continue, anger can arise when craving for ordinary activity to continue is not satisfied, and craving can develop for the body to return immediately to permanent comfort even though permanent bodily comfort is impossible.

The Enlightened being experiences physical pain as information from the body without producing the additional mental anguish that commonly accompanies physical pain in the unEnlightened mind. The physical sensation itself is significantly diminished or muted compared with the unEnlightened experience, while the Enlightened mind remains peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy. Wisdom fully understands the impermanent nature of the physical body, so there is no craving for the impossible condition of permanent bodily comfort and no resistance to the physical reality presently being experienced. The person might rest, seek medical assistance, change posture, discontinue an activity, or make whatever other wise decision is appropriate to the circumstances, but the physical pain is not accompanied by mental discontentedness.

This distinction between physical pain and mental pain is important. The unEnlightened being can experience both: the physical sensations produced by the body and the mental anguish that develops through craving/desire/attachment and the other pollutions of mind in response to those sensations. Fear, anger, frustration, or other forms of discontentedness can then become associated with the physical experience. The Enlightened being experiences only the physical component. The physical pain itself is muted and minimal compared with the unEnlightened experience because the additional mental pain is completely absent. The body continues communicating useful information through pain, but the Enlightened mind does not form discontentedness in response to that information.

The Five Unobtainable Continue to Occur

Enlightenment does not remove The Universal Truth of Impermanence from conditioned existence. An Enlightened being can still experience the five circumstances The Buddha describes as The Unobtainable: aging, sickness, death, destruction, and loss. These circumstances do not occur because the Enlightened being made unwise decisions. They occur because conditioned existence remains impermanent.

The difference between the unEnlightened and Enlightened experience is not that one being encounters these circumstances while the other avoids them. The difference is the wisdom available to understand and respond to them. An unEnlightened being may experience sickness as an enormous struggle because the mind is frightened by what might happen, angry that the body is not functioning normally, or craving for the physical condition to return immediately to what existed previously. The Enlightened being can experience sickness while understanding precisely what is occurring: the body is impermanent, sickness is one of the unavoidable possibilities associated with physical existence, and wise decisions now need to be made concerning care. The mind does not spend additional energy resisting a reality that is already present.

Aging can be understood in the same way. The unEnlightened mind may become disturbed by changes in appearance, physical strength, sexual function, mobility, memory, independence, or other bodily abilities because the mind wants the body to remain as it existed during an earlier period. The Enlightened being does not treat the younger body as a permanent possession that has now been taken away. Even when the body was younger, it was continually changing and could never remain in that condition permanently. Wisdom responds to the circumstances existing now rather than producing mental anguish because previous conditions could not be preserved.

Loss and destruction also remain possible regardless of the development of the mind. A home can be damaged, a vehicle can be destroyed, money can be lost, physical objects can break, and circumstances can change despite wise efforts to protect resources. The Enlightened being still takes reasonable care of possessions because wisdom does not require negligence. But when destruction or loss occurs, the mind does not interpret the event as though something impossible has happened. The possibility of loss was always present because the object was conditioned and impermanent.

Death represents the most significant application of this wisdom because the death of oneself and the death of other beings cannot be permanently prevented. The Enlightened being can deeply appreciate another being, participate closely with them for decades, experience True Love, laughter, companionship, learning, and countless meaningful circumstances, yet when death occurs, grief, sadness, and sorrow do not arise within the Enlightened mind because there is no craving for the impossible result of permanent continued physical presence. True Love remains while attachment has been eliminated.

The same wisdom applies to the Enlightened being’s own death. The physical body has always been subject to death. When death approaches, the circumstance is understood rather than resisted. For this reason, circumstances an unEnlightened being may describe as enormous difficulties or struggles are no longer experienced in that way by the Enlightened being. They may need attention, medical care, financial decisions, changes in activity, or other practical responses, but wisdom is present. The mind understands what is occurring and how to respond wisely, allowing the mind to remain at ease with peace and joy.

The Enlightened Mind Functions Optimally

The pollutions of the unEnlightened mind consume enormous amounts of mental resources throughout ordinary life. Anger can keep attention fixed upon a conversation long after the other person has left. Jealousy causes the mind to repeatedly examine another being’s accomplishments. Craving continually directs attention toward what is wanted. Fear imagines undesirable futures. Restlessness moves attention rapidly between many different thoughts. Personal existence view causes the mind to defend an identity. Conceit continually compares and judges. Attachment creates ongoing worry about whether the object of attachment will remain available.

Even when these mental activities do not create an obvious crisis, they consume attention, concentration, clarity, and energy that could otherwise be used wisely. As the pollutions are gradually reduced, the Practitioner can observe the opposite process occurring. Focus improves because attention is being pulled in fewer competing directions. Concentration strengthens because restlessness no longer fragments the mind as intensely. Memory becomes deeper because the mind has stronger access to learned information and previous experiences rather than continually losing attention inside unnecessary mental activity. Clarity of mind improves because decisions are less distorted by anger, jealousy, craving, fear, attachment, and conceit.

With complete purification of the mind, this development reaches its optimal state. The Enlightened being does not need to spend half of a conversation managing irritation while simultaneously attempting to listen. They do not need several days for jealousy to subside before examining another person’s success clearly. They do not need to first calm anger before responding to feedback or settle fear before considering an important decision. The pollution that would interfere with the investigation is absent.

Focus, concentration, deep memory and clarity of mind are therefore direct results of removing the pollutions that previously consumed, distracted, and clouded the mind. Deep memory does not mean perfect photographic recall. It means exceptionally strong access to information, knowledge, and previous experience when that information is useful for making a decision.

The Enlightened being may still need to learn new information about topics other than The Path to Enlightenment. They may ask another person questions, conduct research, seek medical knowledge, learn a new skill, or acquire facts that were not previously known. Enlightenment does not create knowledge of every subject. What changes is the quality of the mind receiving and using the information. Learning is no longer obstructed by conceit, distraction, anger, restlessness, or the need to defend an identity.

This optimal functioning also helps explain why an Enlightened being can become sleepy while not experiencing tiredness or exhaustion in the manner common to the unEnlightened state. Sleepiness can still arise because sleep remains necessary, but the mind is no longer exhausting itself through hours of resentment, worry, craving, imagined conflict, comparison, fear, and resistance to reality. The Enlightened being no longer chases after countless cravings in the belief that obtaining a particular object will produce lasting satisfaction. This does not prevent the Enlightened being from progressing toward wise goals and objectives. The unEnlightened being can spend an entire day mentally carrying conversations that ended hours earlier, worrying about events that have not happened, comparing themselves with other beings, defending an identity, craving future results, resisting present circumstances, and arguing internally with people who are not physically present. By evening, enormous amounts of mental energy have been consumed by pollution of the mind.

The Enlightened being does not carry this burden. The mind can indicate that sleep is appropriate while the mind remains completely at ease and peaceful. There is no tiredness or exhaustion in the Enlightened mind because the individual is fully practicing the middle way at all times during their day.

Wise Decisions Gradually Create an Ideal Life

The development toward Enlightenment should not be understood as merely producing an ideal internal experience while the Practitioner continues making unwise decisions that create chaotic external circumstances. The same wisdom purifying the mind also improves the thousands of decisions through which daily life is constructed.

The Practitioner becomes better at selecting relationships, choosing friends, determining a life partner, selecting a livelihood, using financial resources, caring for the physical body, choosing where to live, deciding how time is used, continuing education, developing skills, changing participation when new information becomes available, and determining what activities contribute to a wholesome life. Each decision produces results through The Natural Law of Kamma, and the Practitioner continually acquires additional wisdom by observing those results.

These decisions accumulate over many years. One wise decision regarding livelihood may improve professional development for a decade. One wise decision concerning a life partner can influence nearly every area of daily living. Wise choices regarding friends influence activities, speech, interests, and the direction of mental development. A consistent meditation practice influences later decisions by improving awareness and concentration.

Generosity influences the mind and the lives of other beings. The quality of life gradually changes because the quality of the decision-maker’s mind is changing.

By the time the mind is Enlightened, this long history of increasingly wise decisions has produced a life considerably different from one created continually through craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality). The Enlightened being is therefore living what can reasonably be described as the ideal life.

This does not mean aging, sickness, death, destruction, and loss have disappeared. Those remain part of impermanence. It means the Enlightened being has developed a life that they completely and thoroughly enjoy within conditioned existence while possessing an unconditioned mind through which that life is experienced.

A useful example can be observed through the way many people experience holidays or vacations. A person may spend much of the year participating in a life they do not particularly enjoy. They dislike their work, resent ordinary tasks, remain within relationships producing unfavorable results, and spend substantial portions of the year waiting for an opportunity to escape. The upcoming holiday becomes highly desirable because it temporarily removes them from the life they created. While traveling, conditioned pleasant feelings arise as cravings are satisfied, but as the holiday approaches its end, craving for the favorable experience to continue is no longer satisfied and the mind can begin producing conditioned painful or neither-painful-nor-pleasant feelings. The person experiences returning to ordinary life as though someone else created that life and is now forcing them back into it.

An Enlightened being may also choose to travel for a holiday and thoroughly enjoy the experience. They can enjoy the destination, hotel, food, scenery, activities, people, and change in activities without becoming attached to those circumstances continuing. When the holiday ends, the Enlightened being also thoroughly enjoys returning home because the home, livelihood, relationships, learning, contribution, and ordinary activities they developed are themselves deeply enjoyable. There is no unpleasant “real life” waiting at home from which the being continually needs to escape.

This is an important part of living a life of harmony. The Practitioner has not simply trained themselves to tolerate a life they dislike. Wisdom has been used to develop a wonderful life while the mind has simultaneously been purified so that joy does not depend upon maintaining any one impermanent circumstance permanently.

An Enlightened Being Does Not Experience Relationship Struggles

During the unEnlightened stages of development, relationships can provide circumstances that genuinely feel difficult because the Practitioner has not yet developed all of the wisdom needed to understand and navigate them. A life partner may make an unexpected decision and the Practitioner needs to investigate the attachment that became visible. An adult child may develop in a direction the parent did not expect, revealing craving for an earlier form of the relationship. A supervisor may behave unwisely and the Practitioner needs to determine whether continued participation remains beneficial. A close friend may move away and the mind reveals attachment to physical proximity. These circumstances become valuable training opportunities while the Practitioner is still developing.

With complete purification, the description changes because the mind is fully awake. The Enlightened being does not encounter a relationship circumstance and discover that the mind lacks the wisdom necessary to remain peaceful. If another person disagrees, disagreement is understood. If someone communicates harshly, the conduct is understood. If another being behaves dishonestly, the information is incorporated into the decision concerning participation. If a friend moves away, impermanence is understood. If a life partner dies, death is understood. If an employee repeatedly makes unwise professional decisions, the results can be addressed. The external circumstances may differ, but no internal struggle or difficulty arises within the Enlightened mind in response to them.

This does not make the Enlightened being passive. Wisdom may indicate that communication is appropriate, employment needs to end, participation needs to decrease, a financial arrangement needs to change, or a relationship needs to conclude. The difference is that the decision is not being made from anger, resentment, fear, revenge, insecurity, or craving. The Enlightened being has eliminated craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality); therefore, the unwholesome qualities that would produce these struggles or difficulties no longer arise within the mind.

A relationship can therefore end while harmony remains. The Enlightened being may recognize that another person’s repeated decisions are creating unfavorable or harmful results and choose not to continue participating. The other person may dislike that decision and may form conditioned painful feelings in response, but the Enlightened mind remains peaceful. Loving-kindness remains, respect remains, and wise communication remains where communication is needed. The mind does not spend months or years replaying the relationship after participation has ended.

This is one of the clearest demonstrations that harmony is not based upon what the other being chooses. Another person can remain angry while the Enlightened being remains peaceful. The other being can disagree while the Enlightened being remains calm. They can end participation while the Enlightened being remains serene. They can behave unwisely while the Enlightened being remains content with joy. Harmony has become stable because its foundation is no longer based on another being’s behavior.

All Relationships Become Harmonious

When harmony is understood according to the definition established throughout this book, it becomes possible to understand how an Enlightened being experiences 100% harmonious relationships with all beings even though not every being in the world is Enlightened. The harmony exists because the Enlightened being interacts through wisdom, wholesome intentions, wise communication, and harmless actions while the mind remains peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy. The other person does not need to do the same.

An Enlightened being may encounter harsh speech, dishonesty, disagreement, changing participation, or another being choosing to end a relationship. Each circumstance provides information that can be understood through wisdom and incorporated into whatever decision is appropriate. Communication may occur, trust may change, participation may decrease, or a relationship may conclude, but anger, resentment, hatred, grief, or another form of discontentedness does not arise within the Enlightened mind in response to any of these circumstances because the internal causes have been eliminated.

In each of these circumstances, harmony remains because the other being was never the cause of harmony or disharmony within the mind. Another person can create an external circumstance through their speech, actions, or decisions, but the conditioned response that follows within an unEnlightened mind is created through craving/desire/attachment and the other pollutions of mind. In the Enlightened mind, those causes have been completely eliminated. This is why all relationships are harmonious for the Enlightened being. It does not mean every being behaves wholesomely toward them. It means that whatever another being says, does, or decides does not become discontentedness within the Enlightened mind because the internal causes capable of producing discontentedness are no longer present. An Enlightened being can remain harmonious even in the rare situation when someone else is not.

Living a Life of Harmony

The possibility of complete harmony becomes understandable only when the Practitioner recognizes that harmony is developed through the training and purification of their own mind. The external world continues operating according to The Natural Laws of Existence. Other beings remain at different stages of wisdom, possess different knowledge, make different decisions, and experience the results of those decisions through The Natural Law of Kamma. Relationships continue changing through The Universal Truth of Impermanence. Some people remain part of the Practitioner’s life for decades, while others participate only briefly. Some beings are wise choices for close association, while others are not. Some circumstances develop favorably, while others do not. Aging, sickness, death, destruction, and loss continue to remain possible because Enlightenment does not remove impermanence from conditioned existence. What changes is the mind that encounters these continually changing circumstances.

As craving is gradually eliminated, the mind becomes less dependent upon circumstances unfolding according to the Practitioner’s preferences. As anger and ill will are reduced, fewer beings become objects of hostility and resentment. As ignorance is replaced with wisdom, change becomes easier to understand according to the reality of impermanence rather than being interpreted as something that has gone wrong. As personal existence view becomes weaker, another being’s criticism, disagreement, or decision becomes less likely to be interpreted as a statement concerning “me”. As conceit decreases, the mind becomes less interested in determining who is superior or inferior. As attachment decreases, the Practitioner becomes increasingly capable of deeply appreciating people and circumstances without demanding that they remain permanently available. As restlessness diminishes, concentration strengthens. At the same time, generosity, loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, equanimity, wisdom, concentration, and clarity of mind increasingly influence the decisions being made.

As this purification develops, the Practitioner’s external relationships also change through the results of increasingly wholesome decisions. Politeness, kindness, friendliness, respect, honesty, generosity, loving-kindness, reliability, and wisdom are placed into relationships with greater consistency, while bitterness, harshness, jealousy, deception, attempted control, and conceit gradually disappear. Over many years, these decisions naturally influence the relationships being experienced. Other beings repeatedly encounter someone whose conduct remains wholesome even when circumstances change, and the Practitioner brings increasing harmony to relationships, which can then blossom.

By the time the mind is Enlightened, this way of life has been developing for a considerable period of time. The Enlightened being’s relationships are therefore harmonious not merely because their mind remains peaceful when another being behaves unwisely, but because years of wise participation have also produced increasingly wholesome relationship results. Family members, friends, Students, coworkers, life partners, and other beings have repeatedly experienced someone who is polite, kind, friendly, respectful, generous, honest, dependable, and wise. There may still occasionally be another being who speaks harshly, behaves dishonestly, or makes an unwise decision, but discontentedness does not arise within the Enlightened mind in response to that conduct. Wisdom simply determines whether communication is useful, whether participation should change, or whether the relationship should end.

Living a life of harmony therefore does not describe someone who has become exceptionally skilled at tolerating an unpleasant life. Nor does it describe someone who has withdrawn from the world so completely that unfavorable or continually changing circumstances no longer occur. The Practitioner has gradually developed both their mind and their life. Wise decisions have positively influenced relationships, livelihood, financial resources, physical health, learning, daily activities, association with wholesome people, and the countless circumstances that together form ordinary living. The life itself becomes increasingly enjoyable because the decisions creating that life have become increasingly wise, while the mind simultaneously becomes less dependent upon any one of those circumstances remaining permanent.

The Enlightened being can therefore thoroughly enjoy a holiday without needing the holiday as an escape from ordinary life. They are able to enjoy returning home because the home and daily activities they have developed are also deeply enjoyable. They can appreciate physical objects without clinging to them, enjoy meaningful relationships without demanding permanence, participate enthusiastically in livelihood without making personal identity dependent upon professional status, and enjoy pleasant sensory experiences without needing those experiences to create joy. Their joy is no longer dependent upon obtaining or preserving particular conditioned circumstances because the Enlightened mind is unconditioned.

At the same time, this ideal life does not mean The Unobtainable have disappeared. The physical body still ages and can experience sickness. Physical objects can still be lost or destroyed. Other beings eventually die, and the Enlightened being’s own physical life also eventually ends. Physical pain can still occur, although it is muted and no mental anguish is experienced. These circumstances do not transform the ideal life into a struggle because the Enlightened mind possesses the wisdom needed to understand them. Impermanence is no longer being resisted through craving. The being makes whatever wise decisions are appropriate while remaining peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy.

Living a life of harmony therefore describes something considerably greater than experiencing pleasant relationships. The Practitioner has gradually developed a life in which intentions are wholesome, communication is wise, bodily actions are harmless, participation is guided by discernment, relationships can blossom, livelihood is enjoyable, and the mind is functioning optimally with focus, concentration, deep memory, clarity of mind, and wisdom. The person does not continually yearn to escape their life, repair their mood, obtain reassurance, win approval, or make other beings behave differently before peace can be experienced. The life has become increasingly wholesome through wise decisions, and the mind through which that life is experienced has become completely purified. What an unEnlightened being may continually experience as struggle has been replaced by a life in which circumstances are understood, wise decisions are readily available, and the mind remains at ease.

Relationships Have Always Been Part of The Path to Enlightenment

The deepest purpose of this book has never been merely to provide techniques for helping people communicate better or experience fewer arguments, although those results naturally develop as wisdom increases. The greater purpose is to show how relationships can become part of the gradual purification of the mind. Other beings are encountered continually throughout life, and those interactions repeatedly provide contact through which craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality) can become visible. Relationships therefore provide one of the richest and most continuous environments through which the Practitioner can learn The Teachings, reflect upon them, practice diligently, observe results, and independently verify their accuracy through direct experience.

When discontentedness arises within one of these circumstances, the Red Light reveals that craving/desire/attachment remains within the mind. Rather than continuing to pursue or preserve an external circumstance that satisfies the craving, or attempting to rearrange an external circumstance that does not satisfy it, the Practitioner investigates what the mind wanted, expected, attempted to preserve, or wanted another being to do differently. Through Right Mindfulness, Right Effort, Analysis of The Mind, meditation, and continued practice, the underlying cause can gradually be identified and eliminated. In this way, relationships become continual opportunities to verify directly which cravings remain within the mind. When those cravings are present, discontentedness can arise; when they have been eliminated, the same type of circumstance can later occur without producing the same conditioned response.

This process allows The Teachings to move gradually from intellectual understanding into wisdom that has been directly verified. The Practitioner does not merely believe that craving causes discontentedness because a Teacher or book says so. They begin seeing the truth in The Teachings within their own experience of daily life. They notice that when craving/desire/attachment remains within the mind, conditioned feelings can continue to arise, with conditioned pleasant feelings developing when craving is satisfied and conditioned painful or neither-painful-nor-pleasant feelings developing when craving is not satisfied. They observe that eliminating a particular craving removes the same pattern of discontentedness from later circumstances. They verify that anger clouds communication while loving-kindness improves the quality of interactions. They observe that generosity weakens holding and grasping, understanding impermanence reduces resistance to change, stronger concentration supports wiser decisions, and wholesome decisions produce increasingly wholesome results through The Natural Law of Kamma.

Relationships therefore do not distract the Practitioner from The Path to Enlightenment. They continually provide circumstances through which The Path can be practiced. A parent-child relationship becomes an environment for practicing guidance without attempted control, loving-kindness without attachment, and increasing respect for the child as an individual decision-maker. Friendship becomes an opportunity to practice generosity, sympathetic joy, wise association with wholesome people, non-attachment, and appreciation without possession. A Teacher-Student relationship provides circumstances through which wisdom can be given and received appropriately while each being remains responsible for their own practice and development. A life partnership becomes an extensive environment for practicing True Love without clinging, shared participation without eliminating individuality, wise communication, sexual conduct, generosity, non-attachment, and reciprocal support. Livelihood provides continual opportunities to practice Right Speech, equality, diligence, concentration, generosity, Right Livelihood, professional development, and wise decision-making.

Even interactions with challenging beings can become useful because they may reveal mental qualities that would otherwise remain hidden. A Practitioner may think anger has largely disappeared until someone communicates in a particularly harsh way. They may think attachment has been eliminated until a close relationship unexpectedly changes. They may think conceit is weak until another person receives recognition the Practitioner wanted. These circumstances do not mean practice has failed.

They reveal precisely where further training remains beneficial. What was previously hidden has become visible, and what has become visible can now be investigated and eliminated.

People the Practitioner meets for the first time also become part of the practice because loving-kindness is not intended only for the people the Practitioner knows personally. The person encountered briefly at a store, the driver on the road, the customer, the hotel employee, the person sitting nearby, and countless other beings provide opportunities to interact through politeness, kindness, friendliness, respect, equality, and harmless conduct without expecting any particular relationship in return. The Practitioner gradually stops dividing the world into beings deserving wholesome conduct from them and beings who do not. Loving-kindness develops toward all beings, and all beings are treated with politeness, kindness, friendliness, and respect.

As this development progresses, there is eventually no category of being toward whom the Practitioner needs to maintain hostility. There is no relationship that requires the Practitioner to abandon peace, no disagreement that necessitates anger, no success of another being that necessitates jealousy, no close relationship that necessitates attachment, and no ending of participation that necessitates hatred or resentment. Wisdom may still determine that two beings should no longer participate closely, but the mind does not need to become unwholesome in order to make that decision.

The relationships experienced throughout life have therefore always been part of something considerably larger than learning how to “get along” with people. They have been circumstances through which the Practitioner learns about their own mind, gradually eliminates the causes of discontentedness, cultivates wholesome mental qualities, develops the decision-maker’s mind through The Eight Fold Path, and progresses toward Enlightenment.

The Objective

The Practitioner begins The Path in the unEnlightened state, experiencing conditioned feelings while the mind remains influenced by craving, anger, ignorance (unknowing of true reality), expectations, attachment, jealousy, personal existence view, conceit, restlessness, and the other pollutions described in greater detail through The Ten Fetters.

The Teachings of The Buddha gradually direct the Practitioner toward a different investigation. The Universal Truth of Impermanence explains why people, relationships, physical bodies, material objects, and circumstances cannot remain permanent. The Four Noble Truths explain that discontentedness has a cause which is craving/desire/attachment and that craving/desire/attachment can be eliminated. Two Beings, Two Lives helps the Practitioner understand that closeness does not merge two individual beings into one decision-maker. True Love distinguishes loving-kindness from attachment. The Eight Fold Path trains the mind from which decisions are made. The Red Light reveals which cravings remain within the mind. The Four Qualities of Harmonious Relationships and The Four Healthy Mental States help the Practitioner increasingly participate through wholesome mental qualities. The Teachings concerning expectations, guidance, disagreement, Non-Practitioners, attachment, children, friends, life partners, and livelihood then show how that wisdom can be applied within the practical circumstances of daily life.

This development occurs gradually as the Practitioner learns, reflects, practices diligently, observes results, discovers what remains untrained, acquires greater wisdom, and continues. Discontentedness becomes progressively less frequent and less intense as its causes are eliminated, while periods of peace, calmness, serenity, and contentedness with joy become progressively longer. Eventually, the causes capable of producing discontentedness are completely eliminated.

When purification is complete, the mind is unconditioned. Craving, anger, and ignorance—described in greater detail through The Ten Fetters—have been uprooted, and the conditions capable of producing discontentedness no longer exist. The mind remains peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy while wisdom guides harmless decisions throughout every changing circumstance of conditioned existence.

The objective established at the beginning of this book can now be understood in its fullest meaning. 100% harmonious relationships with all beings does not mean every other being has become wise, polite, honest, friendly, respectful, or Enlightened. It means the Practitioner has developed the mind to such a degree that, regardless of another being’s conduct, the mind does not create disharmony in response. The Enlightened being interacts through wisdom, wholesome intentions, wise communication, harmless bodily actions, generosity, loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, equanimity, equality, and True Love while maintaining a peaceful, calm, serene, and content mind with joy.

Every relationship encountered throughout life has contributed circumstances through which that development could occur. Parents, children, friends, Teachers, Students, life partners, coworkers, supervisors, employees, customers, people encountered briefly, and challenging beings each provided different circumstances through which wisdom could be acquired and the mind could be trained. Some relationships remained throughout much of life, while others existed only briefly. Some were experienced with considerable joy and companionship, while others exposed areas of the unEnlightened mind that still needed development. Yet each circumstance could become part of the same larger practice when approached through wisdom.

The Practitioner who began this book by learning how to experience greater harmony in relationships has therefore been moving toward something considerably greater. They have been learning how to understand the mind, identify the causes of discontentedness, eliminate craving, anger, and ignorance, cultivate generosity, loving-kindness, and wisdom, make increasingly wholesome decisions, and verify The Teachings through the results experienced within daily life. As those practices mature, harmonious relationships cease to be merely one favorable result among many and become the natural expression of a mind that has itself become harmonious.

This objective is not obtained by persuading every being in the world to cooperate, nor by constructing an external life in which impermanence no longer operates. It is experienced through learning The Teachings of The Buddha accurately, reflecting upon them carefully, practicing them diligently, observing the results, and gradually purifying the mind through walking The Path to Enlightenment.

The Practitioner is no longer merely learning how to create harmony within individual relationships. The mind is transforming toward the unconditioned mental state of Enlightenment, life is being developed through wisdom, and the Practitioner brings harmony to relationships, which can then blossom. With the complete purification of the mind, decisions become harmless, True Love is free from attachment, and peace and joy no longer depend upon another being or external circumstance.

This Is the Path to Living a Life of Harmony.

Now that you have completed reading this book and may decide to read this book multiple times, which would be wise, I would like to take a moment to personally “thank you” for your determination, dedication, and diligence to learn, reflect, and practice The Teachings of The Buddha on The Path to Enlightenment.

The time, effort, energy, and resources that you devote to this path are serving to help you and countless other beings. As you choose to learn and practice these Teachings, you will significantly reduce then eliminate any harm that you are putting into the world through your unknowing of true reality. The unEnlightened mind does not understand what it does not understand.

You are now applying time, effort, energy, and resources to improving the condition of the mind, the condition of your life, and, thus, the condition of the world through investigating The Teachings to acquire wisdom. The world becomes a better place when we each individually choose to improve our own life practice taking responsibility for our own intentions, speech, actions, and livelihood while improving our wisdom and mental discipline.

I admire individuals who choose to walk towards harmlessness. I admire individuals who choose to realize there is a better way of life and create that better way of life for themselves through seeking guidance. And, I admire individuals who do not shrink back from the struggle to move the mind towards Enlightenment when the natural tendency might be to remain complacent.

Why have I chosen to share these Teachings with you?

“That it may be for the benefit and peacefulness of the multitude (many people), out of compassion for the world, for the benefit and peacefulness of heavenly beings and humans”. (Gotama Buddha)

“Because if they understand even a single sentence, that will lead to their welfare and peacefulness for a long time”. (Gotama Buddha)

May you discover the freedom associated with a mind that is peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy permanently - the Enlightened mind.

As you need help to learn, reflect, and practice these Teachings, you are welcome to seek guidance which is available openly and freely to “all beings”.