Loving Without Clinging: Eliminating Attachment to Those Closest to Us

Attachment to the people who are closest to us can be among the most persistent forms of craving/desire/attachment remaining in the mind. A Practitioner may develop considerable peacefulness when interacting with coworkers, neighbors, casual acquaintances, Students, or people encountered briefly throughout daily life, yet experience a very different condition of mind when interacting with a parent, child, sibling, life partner, or close friend. A decision that would seem insignificant if made by another person may become highly disagreeable when made by someone close. Worry or irritation may arise during a brief period without communication. Frustration may arise when plans change. Fear may arise when illness occurs. Loneliness may arise during separation. Grief and sorrow may arise when death occurs. When this occurs, the mind can easily conclude that the relationship or the other person’s conduct is causing the discontentedness. But the relationship is revealing something deeper: craving/desire/attachment remains within the Practitioner’s own mind.

It is important to understand that the attachment is not the person. A mother is not attachment. A child is not attachment. A life partner is not attachment. A sibling is not attachment. Even the relationship itself is not the attachment. Attachment exists within the mind as longing, yearning, wanting, expectations, and clinging associated with the being or the circumstances of the relationship. The mind may be attached to the person remaining healthy, remaining alive, remaining nearby, communicating frequently, showing affection, agreeing, making certain decisions, fulfilling a particular role, participating in familiar events, or continuing the relationship in its present form. This is why simply ending relationships cannot eliminate attachment. Removing the external object does not necessarily remove the craving within the mind. The training needs to occur where the attachment exists—in the mind itself. It is important to distinguish the external person from the attachment the mind has developed toward that person and understand why withdrawing from relationships does not, by itself, train the mind to interact peacefully with other beings.

The goal is therefore not to eliminate close relationships. Nor is the goal to become emotionally distant, uninterested, isolated, or uninvolved. The Practitioner is learning to eliminate the craving/desire/attachment within the relationship so that closeness can exist without dependence, communication can occur without expectation, guidance can be offered without a desire to control the result, affection can be experienced without clinging, and True Love can be practiced without the mind demanding permanence. The person may remain an important part of the Practitioner’s life. The relationship may remain close and active for decades. What changes is the condition of mind through which the relationship is experienced.

Developing the Wisdom to Eliminate Attachment

The first part of eliminating attachment to those closest to us is continuing to acquire wisdom through a well-developed life practice on The Path to Enlightenment. This is not a topic that can be mastered merely by intellectually agreeing that attachment causes discontentedness. The mind has often spent years or decades developing patterns of craving/desire/attachment around these relationships. A parent may have related to a child in a particular way since birth. A married couple may have slept beside one another every night for twenty years. Brothers and sisters may have repeated the same communication patterns since childhood. Families may have developed expectations regarding holidays, meals, communication, caregiving, financial assistance, and involvement in one another’s decisions. These patterns become familiar, and the unEnlightened mind can begin to interpret familiarity as something that ought to remain permanent.

For this reason, the Practitioner continues developing The Eight Fold Path rather than looking for one isolated technique that will instantly eliminate attachment. Wisdom develops through learning The Teachings of The Buddha, investigating and examining them, reflecting to independently verify their accuracy, putting them into practice, observing the results, and then continuing to learn and practice. The process is iterative. The Practitioner learns, reflects, practices, observes where discontentedness still arises, identifies additional craving/desire/attachment, and then develops further training. Breathing Mindfulness Meditation, generosity, Right Mindfulness, Right Effort, Right Concentration, and Analysis of The Mind all support this process because the Practitioner needs both the awareness to recognize attachment and the skill to train the mind once it has been identified. The chapter begins this topic with acquiring wisdom precisely because the elimination of attachment is part of a complete life practice rather than a single intellectual exercise.

The Red Light remains one of the most useful tools for identifying where attachment exists. If discontentedness arises in connection with another being, the Practitioner has discovered something important. The other being may have made a decision the Practitioner dislikes, but the decision itself does not explain why the mind became discontent. The discontentedness reveals that the mind wanted something different from reality. Perhaps the mind wanted the person to agree. Perhaps it wanted more communication. Perhaps it wanted the person to remain healthy. Perhaps it wanted the person to continue being available. Perhaps it expected a particular amount of time together. Perhaps it wanted the relationship to remain unchanged. Whatever the specific object, the Red Light indicates that craving/desire/attachment remains and needs to be identified and eliminated. Where discontentedness exists within the relationship, attachment remains.

The Practitioner would therefore be wise to become increasingly precise when asking, “What specifically is the mind attached to?” It is not sufficient to say, “The mind is attached to my child,” because that is too broad to produce a useful training plan. Is the mind attached to the child remaining physically nearby? Is it attached to daily communication? Is it attached to the child following the parent’s guidance? Is it attached to the child remaining healthy? Is it attached to the child needing the parent? Is it attached to the identity of being a parent in a particular way? The same investigation can be applied to a life partner, parent, sibling, friend, Teacher, Student, or any other being. The more accurately the craving is identified, the more accurately the Practitioner can develop a plan to eliminate it.

True Love Is Not Attachment

A central part of this chapter is understanding that True Love and attachment are not the same mental quality. True Love is unconditional. It does not depend upon another being remaining nearby, communicating frequently, behaving according to preference, agreeing, fulfilling a particular role, or continuing to provide conditioned pleasant experiences. The unEnlightened mind can easily mix True Love together with craving/desire/attachment and then assume that the painful feelings from attachment are evidence of how deeply someone is loved. This misunderstanding can actually make the mind resist eliminating attachment because it fears that if the attachment disappears, the love will disappear with it.

Missing another being is a good example. People often interpret missing someone as evidence of love. A life partner may travel for several weeks and ask, “Did you miss me?” If the answer is no, the person may conclude that they were not loved. But missing someone is not True Love. Missing someone means that the person is absent and the mind wants them present. The present circumstance does not match the mind’s craving, so a conditioned painful feeling arises. When the mind says, in effect, “I cannot be peaceful and joyful unless you are here,” that is craving/desire/attachment. It is the mind holding on.

The same distinction applies to grief, sadness, and sorrow. These conditioned painful feelings are not measurements of how much another being was loved. When someone dies, the mind may want the person to remain alive, want another conversation, want another visit, want the familiar routines to continue, or want the relationship to remain available in its previous form. Reality no longer corresponds with what the mind wants, so discontentedness arises. That discontentedness is caused by craving/desire/attachment, not True Love. An individual can deeply love another being and still remain peaceful when that being dies. The absence of grief does not demonstrate an absence of love. It demonstrates that the mind is no longer clinging to the impermanent circumstances of the relationship.

This distinction is important because the Practitioner is not learning to love another being less. The Practitioner is learning to remove the cravings/desires/attachments that prevent the mind from fully practicing and experiencing True Love. As attachment is eliminated, genuine interest in the well-being of the other being can remain without being mixed with dependence, fear of separation, demands for particular behavior, or craving for permanence. The relationship becomes increasingly wholesome because the mind can love without attempting to hold the other being in place.

Understanding That Other Beings Live Their Own Lives

Attachment frequently becomes visible when another being makes a decision different from the one the Practitioner prefers. The earlier chapters have already examined guidance, attempted control, disagreement, and wise communication in detail, so the important application here is recognizing how these situations reveal attachment. Each being remains an individual. A married couple does not become one individual because they entered a life partnership. A parent and child do not share one mind. Brothers and sisters do not share one decision-maker. Close friends may care deeply about one another and still approach circumstances differently because they have different experiences, different knowledge, different understandings, and different present circumstances.

Their Life -> Their Decisions -> Their Results.

When the Practitioner is attached to another being making a particular decision, the relationship can become filled with pressure. The Practitioner may repeat guidance, argue, criticize, increase the intensity of communication, or continue attempting to persuade because the mind is not comfortable when the other being decides differently. The Teachings help the Practitioner learn how to ask and invite rather than apply pressure or attempt to control another being’s decision, and then become comfortable with whatever decision the other being makes. Information or guidance can be shared when there is an open door, but the other being remains the decision-maker.

This also means, in some cases, learning not to interfere simply because another being is struggling. A parent may see that an adult child is making a decision likely to produce an unwholesome result. A life partner may recognize that the other person is moving toward a problem. A sibling may understand something that another sibling has not yet understood. The attached mind can become intensely uncomfortable watching someone close move toward an unwanted result because it craves to prevent the struggle. Yet some wisdom can only be developed through direct experience. The Practitioner may share information when appropriate and remain available when guidance is requested, while still recognizing that the other being’s life belongs to that being.

Refraining from trying to shield someone from every result of their own decisions can therefore arise from True Love and be guided by wisdom. The Practitioner is not indifferent to the other being’s well-being. Instead, the Practitioner understands that trying to eliminate every struggle from another person’s life can prevent that person from developing wisdom that would help them in all future similar situations. The Practitioner is learning to care without clinging to a particular result.

Introducing Impermanence Into Daily Life

One of the practical methods taught is to intentionally introduce impermanence into daily life. This does not mean creating artificial distance in relationships or deliberately reducing closeness merely for the sake of separation. The purpose is to identify circumstances where the mind has become dependent upon another being’s presence and then train the mind to become peaceful when that circumstance changes.

If the Practitioner only feels comfortable going shopping when accompanied by another person, it would be beneficial to sometimes go alone. If eating at a restaurant alone feels uncomfortable because meals have always been shared with a life partner or family member, occasionally eating alone can reveal the attachment and provide an opportunity to train the mind to eliminate it. If every holiday or vacation is expected to involve the same person, spending some time traveling independently may expose the mind’s craving for constant togetherness. Regular time alone through ordinary activities such as shopping, meals, and holidays or vacations, along with learning to become comfortable with silence, will help the mind to eliminate its attachment to people who are close to the Practitioner.

The goal is not to move toward isolation. The goal is to train the mind so that peacefulness and joy are not dependent upon another individual being physically present. A Practitioner can enjoy going to the cinema with a life partner and also remain completely comfortable going alone. A person can enjoy eating dinner with family and also remain peaceful eating alone. Two people can spend considerable time together without either mind becoming dependent upon constant proximity.

Communication provides another example. Frequent communication is not inherently a problem. Two beings may communicate often for practical, wholesome, or enjoyable reasons. The issue is whether the mind becomes discontent when the communication is absent. Communication that has no real purpose other than satisfying craving to know what the other person is doing would be unwise. Repeatedly asking, “Where are you?”, “What are you doing?”, or contacting another person simply because the mind cannot become comfortable with separation can reveal attachment.

The Practitioner can therefore examine the mind beneath the communication. If a message is not answered for several hours, can the mind remain peaceful? If the other being is traveling and enjoying activities independently, can the Practitioner experience sympathetic joy rather than longing and yearning? If there is no practical reason to communicate at a particular moment, can the mind remain comfortable without contact? Purposeful communication does not mean communication needs to be rare. It means communication does not need to become a tool for continually feeding craving/desire/attachment.

Sleeping arrangements can provide another opportunity for training. When two people sleep beside one another every night for many years, the mind can become strongly conditioned to that experience. If one person later travels, the other may discover that they cannot sleep peacefully alone. It is suggested to occasionally change sleeping arrangements and sleep alone as a method for revealing and eliminating attachment. Sleeping alone does not indicate there is something wrong with the relationship. It can simply be a deliberate training method through which each person learns that peaceful sleep does not depend upon the other person’s physical presence.

Closeness Does Not Depend Upon Constant Togetherness

Many people have been conditioned to measure the closeness of a relationship by the amount of time spent together. A family that eats every evening meal together may be described as close. A couple who spends nearly every free moment together may be viewed as deeply connected. Parents and adult children who communicate continuously may be assumed to have an especially strong relationship. Yet quantity of time does not reveal the condition of the minds involved, nor is it an indication of how harmonious the relationship may be.

A Practitioner would be wise to examine the quality of time spent together rather than quantity of time. Two people can spend an enormous amount of time together while criticizing one another, arguing, attempting to control one another, or silently resenting decisions. Another pair of people may spend less time together while the time they do share contains genuine interest, wise communication, warmth, generosity, respect, and True Love. The amount of time alone does not tell us whether the relationship is harmonious.

Eliminating attachment provides the ability to cultivate greater closeness in relationships. When the relationship is no longer held together through expectations regarding constant proximity, the people involved can freely enjoy time together without needing that time to remain permanent. The familiar expression, “A family that eats together stays together,” can become another expectation if the mind concludes that the family needs to maintain a particular routine in order for the relationship to remain wholesome. But no family can permanently eat every meal together. Children grow. Work schedules change. People travel. Health changes. Interests change. Eventually, death occurs.

The Practitioner is therefore learning to introduce impermanence into daily life while still appreciating the wholesome closeness that can be experienced while spending time together. Sometimes together. Sometimes apart. Sometimes frequent communication. Sometimes less communication. Sometimes participating in the same activities. Sometimes choosing different activities. None of these changes need to threaten True Love.

Meditation, Generosity, and Ongoing Training

Breathing Mindfulness Meditation and generosity remain central to the training of the mind to develop harmonious relationships because the same mind that becomes attached within relationships is the mind being trained through meditation and wholesome conduct. The Practitioner develops awareness, calmness, concentration, and the ability to cut off and let go of unwholesome mental activity. Generosity also helps train the mind away from holding, grasping, and selfishness. Meditation and generosity need to remain continuous and ongoing while the Practitioner is eliminating attachment within close relationships, as well as other cravings, desires, and attachments.

Where possible, members of a household who are genuinely interested in learning and practicing The Teachings can support one another. A life partner who understands the purpose of non-attachment may recognize why occasional time apart, purposeful communication, meditation, generosity, and Contemplation of Death are being practiced. However, this can never become another expectation. Chapter 16 of this book has already established that the Practitioner does not need other beings to practice The Teachings in order to continue one’s own practice.

Patience is also important. Attachments that have been deeply rooted over many years may take considerable training to eliminate. The Practitioner will need to be committed to gradual, consistent, and ongoing training rather than expecting immediate results. The Practitioner continues noticing the Red Light through Right Mindfulness, using Right Effort to cut off and let go of the conditioned painful feeling, and then performing Analysis of The Mind after calmness has returned. Once the particular craving/desire/attachment has been identified, a training plan can be developed that moves the mind in the opposite direction from the craving.

One of the most powerful applications of this training is Contemplation of Death (Reflection on Death).

Contemplation of Death (Reflection on Death)

Death provides one of the clearest opportunities to confront attachment because death exposes the impermanent nature of every relationship. A parent will die. A child will die. A life partner will die. A sibling will die. Friends will die. The Practitioner will die. The exact order is unknown, but the ending of these lives is unavoidable. The unEnlightened mind can spend an entire lifetime attempting not to think about this reality, but avoiding thinking about death does not make death disappear. It merely allows craving/desire/attachment associated with death to remain hidden and the mind untrained.

Death is going to come visit every single one of us. It is almost as though death is waiting quietly in the corner of the room. The mind can refuse to look toward that corner and hope death never moves, or the Practitioner can deliberately turn toward it. Instead of waiting for death to sneak up and catch the mind completely unprepared, the Practitioner can think, in effect, “I see you, death. I know you are waiting there in the back of the room. I know you are going to come visit me someday and the people close to me. Instead of waiting for you to surprise me, I am going to come visit you. I am going to become comfortable with you”. The Buddha taught Contemplation of Death (Reflection on Death) as a deliberate training that directly prepares the Practitioner’s mind by placing it into a circumstance it does not presently want to face, allowing the Practitioner to confront death voluntarily rather than waiting for death to arrive unexpectedly.

This practice is not intended to make the Practitioner gloomy, fearful, or emotionally numb. Nor is it a philosophical exercise in merely saying, “Everyone dies someday”. The Practitioner is actively exposing the mind to an object it may find strongly disagreeable so that craving/desire/attachment can be triggered, identified, and eliminated. We are not glossing over the craving/desire/attachment and allowing the dust to collect in the corners of the mind. If the mind considers death disagreeable, then death becomes an important object to which the mind would be wise to expose itself.

Contemplation of Death helps eliminate the cravings/desires/attachments that prevent the mind from fully practicing and experiencing True Love.

Step 1 — Begin After Establishing a Strong Practice Foundation

Contemplation of Death can bring significant attachment directly to the surface. For that reason, it would be wise to begin this practice after Breathing Mindfulness Meditation and generosity are already well established. After developing these foundations, the Practitioner will have gained the needed skills for regaining calmness when the practice of Contemplation of Death exposes craving/desire/attachment. Breathing Mindfulness Meditation and generosity train the mind to eliminate craving/desire/attachment, so having these practices well established before beginning Contemplation of Death will better prepare the Practitioner to regain composure and continue training the mind to eliminate attachment to the being.

The purpose is not to overwhelm the mind and then remain immersed in grief or fear. The purpose is to reveal the pollution so that the Practitioner can work with it skillfully to eliminate it. A Practitioner who has already been developing mindfulness, concentration, generosity, and Right Effort is better prepared to notice the arising discontentedness, cut it off and let it go, regain composure, and then investigate what the mind was craving.

Step 2 — Select the Being

The Practitioner begins by choosing a being toward whom significant attachment exists. This could be a parent, child, life partner, sibling, close friend, Teacher, Student, or another being. A pet can also be used because attachment does not depend upon the species of the being. What matters is whether the mind is clinging. If discontentedness arises while contemplating this being becoming seriously ill, leaving, or dying, that is already an indication that attachment exists in the mind. The Red Light has illuminated and shown that there is something available for training. The Practitioner would be wise to do Contemplation of Death with this being in mind.

It is usually beneficial to work with one being at a time because different relationships may contain different attachments. The craving associated with a parent may involve health, caregiving, or continued advice. Attachment to a child may involve safety, dependence, or future decisions. Attachment to a life partner may involve companionship, affection, sexual activity, household participation, communication, or continued physical presence. By concentrating on one particular relationship, the Practitioner can more accurately observe what the mind is holding onto.

Step 3 — Visualize That the Death Has Occurred

The Practitioner sits somewhere quiet, closes the eyes, and begins to visualize that the being has died. The visualization needs to be real enough to bring the mind into meaningful contact with death rather than remaining an abstract intellectual thought. The Practitioner can visualize that perhaps a doctor calls and says that the person or pet has died. Perhaps a police officer calls after an accident. Perhaps another family member communicates the news. If a tragic event is what is needed to trigger the attachment, a tragic event can be visualized. The purpose is not to entertain oneself with disturbing imagery. The purpose is to expose the mind to the circumstance it finds disagreeable so that the remaining craving/desire/attachment becomes visible and can then be eliminated.

The Practitioner is not planning the individual’s death. The Practitioner is not hoping for the death, aspiring for it to occur, predicting the manner in which it will occur, or deciding in advance what will actually happen when death eventually arrives. The specific imagined circumstances are simply the mental object being used for training. The Practitioner imagines that the death has occurred while recognizing that actual future circumstances and decisions may be completely different.

Step 4 — Continue Through the Experience of Death

The visualization continues beyond simply receiving the news. The Practitioner mentally moves through whatever circumstances make the death sufficiently real to the mind. Perhaps the body needs to be identified. Perhaps relatives need to be contacted. Perhaps there is a viewing. Perhaps a funeral home is involved. Perhaps there is cremation or burial. Perhaps the Practitioner visualizes attending the funeral, speaking with family members, returning home afterward, and observing that the relationship in its previous physical form is now over.

Again, none of this is advance planning. The Practitioner is not deciding which casket will actually be used, which funeral home will actually be contacted, or what exact decisions will be made. Those future decisions will be made according to the actual circumstances that exist at the time. The present purpose is simply to allow the mind to experience the reality that this being has died and that the relationship, as previously experienced through the physical body, has ended.

Step 5 — Observe Any Discontentedness That Arises

As the contemplation becomes more vivid, the Practitioner observes the condition of the mind. Any discontentedness is meaningful. The Practitioner does not need to wait for one particular thought such as, “This cannot happen,” or, “I do not want this person to die”. Grief, sadness, sorrow, fear, anxiety, loneliness, agitation, resistance, or any other discontentedness reveals that craving/desire/attachment remains.

The Red Light has illuminated.

Right Mindfulness recognizes what is occurring. Right Effort is then used to cut off and let go of the conditioned painful feeling. The purpose is not to sit within the grief and repeatedly feed it. The purpose is to expose the attachment, recognize it, and continue the training to “let it go” as taught throughout this book and all our programs. Once the conditioned feeling has been eliminated and the mind has regained calmness, the Practitioner performs Analysis of The Mind.

What did the mind want?

Did the mind want the person to remain alive? Did it want more years together? Did it want another conversation? Did it want continued affection? Did it want continued financial or practical support? Did it want the person to remain available? Did it want the role of “my mother,” “my child,” or “my life partner” to continue indefinitely?

The answer helps reveal the specific craving that needs to be eliminated.

Step 6 — Visualize Life Continuing Peacefully and Joyfully

The Contemplation of Death does not end with the funeral. This is an important part of the training because one of the strongest expressions of attachment is the thought, “I cannot imagine going on in life without them”. When the mind thinks this way, it is revealing that its own future peacefulness and joy have become dependent upon the continued presence of another impermanent being.

The Practitioner would therefore be wise not to avoid visualizing life without that person. Instead, the contemplation continues beyond the funeral, cremation, burial, and immediate period following the death. The relatives have gone home. The events are finished. The house becomes quiet. The person’s physical presence is gone. Their messages no longer arrive. Familiar activities have changed.

Then the Practitioner continues the visualization.

Life continues.

The Practitioner visualizes waking the next morning and getting out of bed. Meals are prepared. Work continues. Breathing Mindfulness Meditation continues. The Teachings continue to be practiced. Other relationships continue. There are still wholesome activities, opportunities for generosity, interactions with other beings, laughter, interest, learning, and joy. Days pass. Months pass. Years pass.

The Practitioner visualizes living peacefully and joyfully.

This is training the mind to understand something extremely important: life is not over because this person has died.

The relationship in its previous form has ended, but the Practitioner’s ability to experience peacefulness, joy, wisdom, generosity, loving-kindness, and True Love has not ended. The death of another being does not need to become the death of the Practitioner’s own peacefulness.

If discontentedness arises while imagining life afterward, that is additional attachment to eliminate. Perhaps the mind is not only afraid of the person’s death. Perhaps it is attached to the idea that life has meaning only while that being is present. The visualization allows that deeper craving to be exposed and eventually eliminated.

Step 7 — Allow the Practice to Reveal Wise Actions Available Now

Contemplating another being’s death can also reveal actions that would be wise while the person is still alive. When I practiced this contemplation with my own mother, I realized that there were things I had been meaning to tell her and questions I had intended to ask. If she had actually died, those opportunities would have disappeared. Once my mind regained its composure, I called her and had those conversations. The contemplation therefore did more than reveal attachment. It brought greater clarity to what could still be wisely done in the present while the opportunity existed. Had my mother actually died, I would not have had this opportunity. But practicing Contemplation of Death allowed me to have conversations that would no longer have been possible had she actually died.

There were questions I needed to ask; had she actually died, I would never have been able to receive those answers. There were also things I needed to share with her that I would no longer have had the opportunity to share. Therefore, Contemplation of Death was an important aspect of training the mind to “let go” of what it was holding onto so that I could move closer to Enlightenment and develop a harmonious relationship with my mother.

After practicing Contemplation of Death, I viewed all the remaining time I spent with my mother as “bonus time”. I had trained the mind as though she had already died, and the time I spent with her afterward became more valuable and precious. I no longer took our time together for granted. I appreciated our time together in a way that I had not prior to practicing Contemplation of Death.

Contemplation of Death, along with Loving-kindness Meditation, was among the most impactful forms of training I practiced in transforming a turbulent relationship with my mother into a harmonious relationship.

The Practitioner does not use this part of the training to create regret or to develop a new expectation that every unfinished matter needs to be resolved. Some things may no longer need to be said. Some conversations may not be beneficial. Some questions may not need answers. Wisdom considers the actual circumstances. The value of the contemplation is that it can reveal assumptions such as, “I can always ask later,” or, “There will always be another opportunity,” and replace those assumptions with a more accurate understanding of impermanence: all relationships in their present form will eventually end. It is only a matter of time.

Step 8 — Repeat the Practice Approximately Every Four Weeks

One Contemplation of Death session may reveal important attachment, but the training is not complete after one session. The Practitioner would be wise to repeat the practice approximately every four weeks. Each time, the full contemplation can be performed again: the being dies, the circumstances surrounding the death are mentally experienced, the funeral or equivalent events conclude, and the Practitioner visualizes continuing life peacefully and joyfully afterward.

The practice continues until there have been multiple sessions in which the complete contemplation is completed without discontentedness arising.

This provides the Practitioner with evidence that the mind has changed. The goal is not merely to complete the training without crying one time. The goal is for the Practitioner to complete the entire contemplation multiple times without the mind producing discontentedness.

The Practitioner can then think:

This being will die. The relationship in its present form will end. My life can continue peacefully and joyfully afterward.

The mind remains peaceful.

That is letting go.

My Experience When My Mother Actually Died

The value of this training became especially clear when my mother eventually approached her actual death. She contacted me after being told that she had approximately one week to live. We were able to speak calmly. She shared what she was interested in sharing. I thanked her. We said goodbye. The mind remained peaceful. There was no grief, no sadness, and no tears arising from sadness or sorrow because there was no craving/desire/attachment producing those conditioned painful feelings, yet True Love toward my mother remained.

This experience demonstrates an important distinction. Remaining peaceful when someone dies does not mean that the person was unimportant. It does not mean that love was absent. It does not mean the relationship had no value. Grief and love are not the same thing.

The attachment had been eliminated.

True Love remained.

This is why the Practitioner is not training the mind to eliminate True Love toward the being. The Practitioner is training the mind to let go of the craving/desire/attachment for permanence of the being and the relationship so that True Love can be more fully practiced and experienced.

“I Cannot Imagine Going On Without Them”

When someone says, “I cannot imagine going on in life without them,” the mind is revealing a powerful attachment. It is saying that peacefulness, joy, or even the continuation of a meaningful life depends upon this other being remaining alive. Because every being is impermanent, this creates an unavoidable conflict between craving and reality.

The Practitioner does not need to criticize the mind for having developed this attachment. The useful response is to train it to eliminate it.

If the mind cannot imagine life without a particular being, then that is exactly what the Practitioner would be wise to imagine. Visualize the death. Visualize the end of the funeral. Visualize returning home. Visualize the empty chair, no longer hearing the person’s voice, the changed activities, and the absence of the familiar physical presence.

Then keep going.

Visualize tomorrow.

Visualize next month.

Visualize next year.

Visualize continuing The Path to Enlightenment, experiencing joy, practicing generosity, maintaining wholesome relationships, enjoying activities, developing wisdom, and living a peaceful life.

The mind is learning through repeated exposure that the death of another being does not end the Practitioner’s own ability to live peacefully and joyfully.

Taking the Practice Further: Contemplating Your Own Death

Once the Practitioner understands the method, Contemplation of Death can be expanded to one’s own death. This becomes an additional application of the same training and can help expose and eliminate fear of one’s own death. The Practitioner can imagine that their own death has occurred, visualize other people being informed, mentally experience the funeral or other related events, and confront the reality of the ending of this physical life. The Practitioner can visualize these events as though they are a fly in the corner of the room, observing everything that is occurring.

Once again, the Practitioner is not planning their death or deciding in advance what other people will do. The training is being used to confront the impermanent nature of this body. If fear, anxiety, sorrow, or other discontentedness arises, the Red Light reveals additional craving/desire/attachment that needs to be eliminated.

The Practitioner can also visualize the people who remain continuing their lives peacefully after the Practitioner’s death. Children continue living. A life partner continues living. Friends continue. Students continue. The world continues. The mind learns that it does not need to cling either to another being’s continued existence or to the continued existence of the Practitioner’s own physical body so that peacefulness and joy can permeate the mind.

Letting Go While Continuing to Love

Eliminating attachment does not mean eliminating closeness, affection, communication, generosity, involvement, or wholesome support. A Practitioner can spend considerable time with a life partner and remain unattached. A parent can be deeply involved in a child’s life without attempting to control the child’s decisions. Friends can communicate frequently without becoming dependent upon constant contact. Families can enjoy holidays, meals, travel, laughter, and companionship without demanding that those circumstances remain permanent.

What disappears is the craving that says another being needs to remain a particular way for the Practitioner to remain peaceful.

The mind no longer needs to say, “You need to stay here so I can be happy”. It no longer needs to insist, “You need to make this decision so I can be peaceful”. It no longer needs to demand, “You need to communicate with me,” “You cannot change,” “You cannot leave,” or “You cannot die”.

The Practitioner appreciates the being while they are present without demanding permanent presence. The relationship can be enjoyed fully without pretending that its present form will last forever. The other being can make their own decisions. Circumstances can change. Distance can occur. Health can change. Eventually, death will occur.

True Love can remain through all of it.

Contemplation of Death helps eliminate the cravings/desires/attachments that prevent the mind from fully practicing and experiencing True Love.

That is the purpose of this training. The Practitioner learns to love without clinging, care without trying to hold another being in place, and remain peaceful while living in accordance with the impermanent nature of reality.

This becomes especially important in one of the closest relationships many people will experience: the relationship between parent and child. The next chapter will examine how a parent can guide a child toward wisdom while recognizing that the child is an individual being who will increasingly make their own decisions and experience the results of those decisions.