Mutual Support: Helping One Another Wisely

Human beings participate in many different types of relationships throughout life. A person may be a parent, child, Teacher, Student, life partner, friend, employer, employee, Household Practitioner, or Ordained Practitioner, sometimes holding several of these roles at the same time. The Practitioner will need to bring the same foundation of Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, and Right Concentration into every relationship, but the role and day-to-day activities within each relationship can be considerably different. A parent participates in the life of a child differently from the way a Teacher participates in the life of a Student, and a life partner participates differently from a friend or employer. These differences are not evidence that one being is loved more and another being is loved less. They reflect the different roles, circumstances, decisions, and conditions that exist within each relationship.

The Practitioner does not practice one way as a parent and another way as a Teacher. Right View remains Right View, Right Intention remains Right Intention, Right Speech remains Right Speech, and Right Action remains Right Action in every relationship. What changes is the role the Practitioner has and the day-to-day activities, contributions, and forms of participation that may occur within each relationship.

This distinction is particularly important when developing an accurate understanding of True Love. As discussed earlier in this book, True Love is an unconditioned mental quality of genuine interest in seeing all beings be well, without judging whether they deserve love and without wanting or expecting anything from them. When fully cultivated, this mental quality extends equally toward all beings. The Practitioner does not develop one amount of love toward a child, another amount toward a Student, and still another amount toward a person they have not yet met. True Love is not divided according to familiarity, family relationship, financial participation, frequency of communication, physical proximity, or the role another being has in the Practitioner’s life.

This can initially create an understandable question for Students. If the Practitioner is developing the same True Love toward all beings, how would they know how to participate appropriately within different relationships? If everyone is loved equally, does that mean everyone needs to receive the same amount of time, money, assistance, attention, guidance, or material support? The answer becomes clear once True Love is separated from the outward form of participation. True Love can remain equal while the Practitioner’s role, day-to-day activities, and forms of participation can be different within each relationship. The mental quality of genuine interest in seeing another being be well remains unchanged, while wisdom helps the Practitioner understand the role they have, the circumstances that presently exist, and the form of participation that is appropriate within that relationship.

Consider a parent whose child is preparing to attend college. The child may need help understanding tuition, scholarships, financial aid, housing, transportation, or other financial considerations. The parent may choose to spend considerable time helping the child investigate options, complete applications, develop a financial plan, or even contribute money toward the child’s education. Those decisions can appropriately fit the Practitioner’s role as a parent and the way they choose to participate within the parent-child relationship. The same Practitioner may also be a Teacher who has a Student preparing to attend college and experiencing similar financial challenges. The Teacher can possess exactly the same True Love toward the Student—the same genuine interest in seeing the Student be well—without choosing to finance the Student’s college education. The Teacher may instead share knowledge, offer encouragement, help the Student investigate options, or provide wisdom that assists the Student in making a wise decision.

The outward appearance of these two relationships can therefore be very different even though the quality of True Love remains the same. One person may receive thousands of dollars in financial assistance while another receives no financial contribution at all. If love were measured according to material possessions or money, someone could mistakenly conclude that the child was loved more than the Student. But the amount of money given does not determine whether True Love exists. True Love is a mental quality, not the giving of a specific material possession. The difference lies in the role the Practitioner has within each relationship and the forms of participation they choose within that role.

This Teaching applies far beyond financial support. A Practitioner may live in the same home with a life partner while living thousands of kilometers from a friend. They may communicate with a child every day while communicating with another family member only occasionally. They may spend several hours each week teaching Students while spending only a few minutes speaking with someone they have recently met. None of these outward differences, by themselves, reveal the amount of True Love present within the mind. They reveal different forms of participation arising from different relationships and circumstances.

The role helps determine how the Practitioner chooses to participate within the relationship and the day-to-day activities that are appropriate to that role, but the role does not make the decision for them. The Practitioner remains the decision-maker. A parent can make wise or unwise decisions within that role. A Teacher can make wise or unwise decisions within that role. A life partner can make wise or unwise decisions within that role. The title of the relationship does not guarantee wholesome conduct. It simply provides information about the relationship and the forms of participation that may or may not be appropriate within it. Wisdom is still needed to determine how the Practitioner will actually participate in each relationship.

Understanding Mutual Support

These differences in roles and forms of participation lead naturally into the understanding of mutual support. Mutual support does not mean two people are required to give one another the same thing. It does not mean that everything contributed needs to have the same monetary value, that each person needs to give an equal amount of time, or that one person becomes obligated to provide something because the other person has already given. Mutual support describes the ways that two beings can contribute to a relationship according to their roles, circumstances, abilities, choices, and wisdom.

A parent and child provide a simple example. During infancy and early childhood, the parent generally contributes far more material and practical support because the young child is not yet capable of sustaining their own life. The parent may provide food, clothing, shelter, transportation, medical care, education, protection, guidance, and countless hours of daily assistance. The child cannot provide these same things in return. Yet this does not mean there is something wrong with the relationship because the contributions are not equal. The two beings are participating in different ways because their roles, circumstances, and abilities are different.

As the child grows older, the way both beings participate can change. The child gradually develops knowledge, skills, financial resources, physical abilities, and greater independence. Later in life, the parent may become elderly or require greater assistance, and the adult child may choose to provide transportation, financial support, medical assistance, housing, companionship, or other forms of care. The relationship remains one of parent and child, but the form of mutual support has changed considerably because the decisions and conditions surrounding the relationship have changed.

For this reason, “mutual” means support exists in both directions; it does not mean both beings give the same thing, contribute an equal monetary value, or are obligated to provide anything specific. Mutual support can be very different in form, timing, amount, and practical manner of providing support. What matters is not whether the contributions can be placed beside one another and shown to be mathematically equal. What matters is how each being chooses to participate and the results they experience based on those decisions.

This is also why mutual support cannot wisely be turned into an accounting system. Once the mind begins thinking, “I gave you this, therefore you owe me that,” generosity has become entangled with expectation. The act of giving is no longer a practice of pure generosity because it coexists with a desire for something in return. The Practitioner is no longer giving without expectation of anything in return. They are attempting to use something previously given as leverage over another being’s future decisions.

The more useful question is not, “What does this person owe me because of our relationship?” The more useful question is, “How am I choosing to participate within this relationship, and what results will I experience based on the decisions I am making?” That question keeps the Practitioner focused on their own mind, intentions, communication, actions, and participation.

Generosity Without Expectation

Before examining the different relationships described through The Six Directions, it is important to understand the purpose of generosity within The Teachings of The Buddha. Mutual support includes many forms of giving. A parent may give time, effort, energy, guidance, food, housing, education, transportation, or financial resources to a child. Friends may assist one another in countless practical ways. Household Practitioners may provide food, clothing, shelter, medicine, financial resources, or other support to Ordained Practitioners and Teachers. Because giving appears so frequently throughout these relationships, the Practitioner needs to understand why generosity is practiced and what the practice is intended to accomplish within the mind on The Path to Enlightenment and towards the development of harmonious relationships.

Generosity is not practiced so that another person will owe something in return. It is not a method for gaining compliance, affection, loyalty, attention, praise, recognition, material benefit, or some future favor. If the Practitioner gives while thinking, “I am doing this for you, therefore I expect you to do something for me,” the mind is still holding an expectation and it is not generosity. The outward action may appear generous, but the mind is still operating through craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations. Rather than training the mind to let go, the giving has become another way for the mind to attempt to acquire something.

The purpose of practicing generosity is to enhance the quality of the mind through the elimination of craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations. The Practitioner practices giving because the unEnlightened mind has a tendency to hold on, accumulate, protect, possess, and seek favorable results for itself through its many cravings, desires, attachments, wants, and expectations. Generosity provides repeated opportunities to train the mind in the opposite direction, helping the mind to eliminate the underlying cause of all discontentedness—craving. The Practitioner willingly gives time, effort, energy, or resources without requiring another being to provide something in return. Through repeatedly practicing in this way, selfishness is gradually eliminated and the mind becomes increasingly capable of letting go due to the reduction and elimination of craving.

The Buddha describes this clearly in The Eight Grounds for Giving. He identifies several reasons a person may give, including craving, anger, ignorance (unknowing of true reality), fear, family custom, the desire for a favorable rebirth, or the pleasant mental experience associated with giving. He then identifies the final ground for giving: “for the purpose of enhancing the mind, equipping the mind”. (Reference: AN 8.33) This final purpose guides the Practitioner away from giving in order to acquire something and toward giving as a practice for training and improving the condition of their own mind.

Another Teaching makes the same practice especially clear titled The Noble Giving (Second Discourse). The Buddha describes a person who does not give with expectations, with a bound mind, or looking for rewards, but instead gives because generosity is “an enhancement of the mind, an accessory of the mind”. (Reference: AN 7.52) The value of generosity therefore does not depend primarily on what the Practitioner receives from the person who was helped. Its value is found in what happens within the mind of the Practitioner who learns to give without craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations.

This distinction is especially important within relationships because giving can easily become tainted with an expectation. A parent may provide extensive support to a child and later think, “After everything I have done for you, you should do this for me”. A life partner may give money or assistance and later expect a particular decision in return. A friend may repeatedly help another friend and eventually think that the other person now owes the same amount of assistance. A Teacher may share knowledge and begin expecting material support, praise, loyalty, or obedience from Students. In each circumstance, the expectation reveals that the mind has attached a desired result to the giving.

A Practitioner developing generosity learns to separate the decision to give from the decision another being will make afterward. The Practitioner can investigate whether giving is wise, wholesome, appropriate, and consistent with the circumstances of the relationship. If they choose to give, the generosity itself is practiced without attaching a demand to the gift. The other person remains the decision-maker of their own life.

This does not mean that mutual support disappears or that relationships do not benefit when people support one another. Quite the opposite. The Buddha describes many relationships in which the decisions of one person produce wholesome results within the relationship and encourage wholesome participation from the other person. But the Practitioner does not practice generosity for the purpose of obligating the other being to produce that result. The Practitioner makes a wholesome decision because the decision improves the quality of their own mind and produces wholesome results through The Natural Law of Kamma to enhance their mind without an expectation that the other person does anything specific.

This understanding provides an important foundation for The Six Directions. As each relationship is examined, the forms of giving will be different. A parent may give something to a child that they would not give to a Student. A Teacher may give knowledge and guidance that they would not provide in the same way to a coworker. A Household Practitioner may provide material support to a Teacher while receiving The Teachings and guidance in return. These different forms of giving reflect the different roles and circumstances within the relationships, but the practice of generosity remains the same: give without expectation of anything in return, with the goal of enhancing the quality of the mind through the elimination of craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations.

The Six Directions

The Buddha provided a particularly valuable Teaching for understanding these different forms of mutual support through what is traditionally known as The Six Directions. In this Teaching, The Buddha took an existing practice in which people paid homage to the directions and transformed its meaning so that the directions represented important human relationships. Rather than treating the practice merely as a ritual directed toward east, south, west, north, below, and above, The Buddha connected each direction with ways of practicing wholesome conduct within the relationships of daily life. The Words of The Buddha explains that the Teaching redirects the ritual toward practices that create wholesome results through The Natural Law of Kamma.

The six directions identify parents and caregivers, Teachers, life partners and children, friends and companions, employers and workers, and Ordained Practitioners or Teachers together with Household Practitioners. The historical wording naturally reflects the society in which The Teaching was originally given, including references to sons, husbands, wives, masters, and servants. The Words of The Buddha book series specifically explains that these Teachings can be applied across genders and corresponding modern roles rather than being limited to the historical gender expressions used in the original setting during the lifetime of The Buddha.

The most important point for this chapter, however, is how the Practitioner understands what The Buddha is teaching through these relationships. It would be unwise to turn The Six Directions into a set of commandments, obligations, or rules that one being can impose upon another. The Teaching is not intended to provide the Practitioner with a list that can be used to say, “You are my child, therefore you are required to do this,” or, “I am your Student, therefore you owe me that”. Such an interpretation would immediately begin creating expectations around another being’s behavior.

The Buddha is teaching The Natural Law of Kamma—the nature of cause and effect, or action and result. When a person chooses to participate in a relationship in particular ways, they are making decisions. Those decisions produce corresponding results through The Natural Law of Kamma. The Teaching therefore helps the Practitioner understand how different choices within a relationship naturally lead toward different experiences and outcomes.

This is a very different way of reading The Six Directions. Instead of reading The Teaching and asking, “Is everyone else fulfilling what their role requires?”, the Practitioner examines, “What am I choosing to do within my role, and what results will these decisions produce?” The Teaching becomes guidance for the Practitioner’s own decisions rather than a tool for controlling the decisions of others or determining whether others are behaving in an expected way.

Volume 8 - Chapter 2 of The Words of The Buddha sometimes describes the person on the other side of the relationship as “reciprocating”. It is important that this word not be interpreted as a guaranteed contractual exchange in which one person purchases or earns specific conduct from another. The emphasis of this chapter is that wholesome decisions produce wholesome results through The Natural Law of Kamma. Each being still remains the decision-maker of their own life.

You might consider reviewing the discourse from The Buddha in his own words prior to continuing with this chapter.

The Words of The Buddha - Volume 8 - Chapter 2 https://www.buddhadailywisdom.com/books/the-foremost-householder/paying-homage-to-the-six-directions

Parents, Caregivers, and Children — The Eastern Direction

The eastern direction represents parents or caregivers and children. The source Teaching describes the child supporting the parents and the parents, in turn, guiding the child away from unwholesome conduct, supporting the child in wholesome conduct, teaching useful skills, helping the child prepare for adult life, and eventually transferring inheritance or family resources.

The Buddha’s Teaching regarding parents becomes even clearer in Volume 8 - Chapter 3, where parents are described as being of great help to their children because they bring them up, feed them, and show them the world. The Teaching then explains that a particularly significant way an adult child can support parents is by helping them develop confidence, virtuous moral conduct, generosity, and wisdom. This demonstrates that mutual support between parents and children extends far beyond money or material possessions.

When the child is young, the parent may possess knowledge and abilities the child does not yet have. The parent therefore has opportunities to patiently teach the child how to function in the world, make decisions, communicate, care for themselves, interact with others, understand results of decisions, and gradually develop wisdom. If the parent chooses to practice patiently, kindly, and wisely, those decisions produce wholesome results and influence the environment in which the child develops. The child is learning not only from what the parent says but also from how the parent behaves, communicates, solves problems, responds to disagreement, and treats other beings.

Over time, however, the circumstances surrounding the relationship change. An adult child may eventually possess greater knowledge than the parent in particular areas. The child may gain wisdom from experiences the parent never had. The child may become financially secure while the parent’s financial resources decline. The child may become physically strong while the parent’s body weakens with age. The role of parent and child remains, but the day-to-day activities and forms of participation each person chooses can change dramatically because the conditions supporting the relationship have changed.

The Words of The Buddha develops this further by explaining that an adult child who has acquired wisdom might decide to humbly share that wisdom with parents while remaining unattached to whether the parents ultimately choose to go forward with the guidance. This is an excellent example of mutual support without control. The child can share something beneficial while still recognizing that the parents remain the decision-makers of their own lives.

The Teaching therefore does not establish a debt in which the child is required to repay the parents because the parents previously provided food, shelter, clothing, education, or money. Nor does it establish a permanent obligation requiring parents to satisfy whatever an adult child wants later in life. Instead, it shows how wholesome decisions produce wholesome results within the relationship and how the form of support can naturally change as life changes.

Teachers and Students — The Southern Direction

The southern direction represents the relationship between Teachers and Students. The source Teaching from The Buddha describes Students participating through attentiveness, respect, service, and diligent learning, while Teachers provide thorough instruction, help ensure the Student has understood what was taught, establish a strong foundation of knowledge and skill, and assist the Student in continuing their development.

This relationship is an especially useful example because the two participants clearly contribute very different things. A Student does not generally support a Teacher by teaching the Teacher the same material that the Teacher has just taught. The Teacher and Student occupy different roles, and the forms of support therefore differ. The Teacher may contribute years of acquired knowledge, experience, preparation, instruction, clarifying misunderstandings, guidance, and time. The Student contributes attention, effort, practice, respect, questions, generosity, and a sincere interest in learning.

Neither contribution needs to be equal in outward form because the purpose of the relationship is not to exchange identical things. It is to create an environment in which both beings can participate wholesomely according to their roles based in their own choices and decisions.

A diligent Student also makes different decisions from a Student who repeatedly ignores instruction, refuses to practice, or approaches learning with hostility. A Teacher naturally has greater opportunity to provide advanced guidance when a Student is attentive, practices consistently, asks thoughtful questions, and applies what is being taught. This is not because the Student has purchased additional attention from the Teacher. It is because the decisions of the diligent Student, together with the conditions present within the relationship, support deeper learning in ways that differ from the decisions of a Student who is complacent.

The same is true from the Teacher’s side. A Teacher who prepares carefully, listens patiently, communicates clearly, offers guidance wisely, and genuinely works to help the Student develop makes different decisions from a Teacher who is inattentive, impatient, unprepared, or primarily interested in personal gain. Through the decisions of both beings, wholesome or unwholesome results are experienced within the relationship.

Yet even within a highly wholesome Teacher-Student relationship, neither being controls the other. The Teacher can share wisdom, but the Student decides whether to practice it. The Student can practice diligently, but the Teacher decides how they will teach. Mutual support does not eliminate the independence of either being.

Life Partners — The Western Direction

The western direction includes life partners and family life. The historical Teaching describes partners honoring one another, refraining from disparaging one another, remaining faithful, sharing authority, protecting resources, diligently carrying out the work associated with the household, and participating in the well-being of the shared life.

The details of household life are very different today from the social environment in which this Teaching was first given, but the underlying principle remains highly useful. Two life partners develop a shared life containing many possible decisions: housing, finances, employment, family, health, transportation, children, companionship, physical intimacy, social relationships, and countless daily tasks. How each person chooses to participate influences the quality and results of the relationship.

One life partner may earn considerably more money than the other. Another may perform more work within the home. One may temporarily require greater assistance because of illness, education, employment changes, or another circumstance. Later, the situation may reverse. The outward contributions therefore may never be identical and may change repeatedly during the life of the relationship.

This is another place where confusing material giving with True Love can create misunderstanding. One life partner may purchase expensive gifts while another gives relatively few material possessions. A person may assume that the partner spending more money must therefore love more. But money cannot reveal the quality of the mind. A person can spend large amounts of money while simultaneously being dishonest, controlling, harsh, unfaithful, resentful, or disrespectful. Another person may have very little money available to give while maintaining genuine loving-kindness, honesty, harmless conduct, patience, generosity, and a sincere interest in the other person’s well-being.

The value of True Love therefore cannot be calculated according to financial contribution. What a life partner gives materially is one aspect of participation, not the measurement of love itself.

Friends and Companions — The Northern Direction

The northern direction represents friends and companions. In The Teaching, The Buddha describes friendship through giving, kind words, interest in another person’s welfare, treating the other with equality, keeping one’s word, helping during periods of difficulty, protecting the other person’s interests, and remaining supportive when challenging circumstances arise.

Friendships provide an especially clear example of how mutual support can exist without formal obligations. Friends may help one another in very different ways at different times. One friend may provide transportation when another does not have a vehicle. Another may possess useful professional knowledge. Someone may help during a move, care for a home while another person travels, introduce a friend to an employment opportunity, share food, provide temporary housing, teach a skill, or simply make themselves available when practical assistance is helpful.

These contributions cannot be meaningfully reduced to a ledger in which every act must be repaid with something of equal value. The moment friendship becomes, “I helped you three times, therefore you now owe me three things,” the mental quality behind the giving has changed and it is no longer a practice of generosity because there is an expectation. What appeared outwardly as generosity has become an expectation.

Wholesome friendship instead allows each being to contribute according to wisdom, ability, circumstances, and personal choice. One person may provide something today and receive nothing visibly in return. At another time, support may move in the opposite direction. The forms may never be identical, yet the relationship can still contain genuine mutual support.

Employers and Employees — The Nadir Direction

The nadir, or downward direction, represents the relationship between those who organize work and those who perform it. The source Teaching describes those directing the work as assigning tasks appropriately, providing compensation and sustenance, caring for workers during illness, sharing benefits, and allowing appropriate periods away from work. Those performing the work are described as being diligent, taking only what is properly given, performing their work well, and contributing positively to the reputation of the organization or person for whom they work.

In a modern workplace, the practical details can take many different forms, but The Teaching remains one of cause and effect through mutual participation. An employer who provides fair compensation, assigns work according to ability, communicates clearly, treats employees with respect, and values their contributions makes wholesome decisions that support a stable and wholesome working environment. Employees who work diligently, communicate honestly, develop their skills, use resources wisely, and contribute to the goals of the organization make wholesome decisions that support the success of the work.

Neither side is giving the same thing. The employee provides time, knowledge, effort, skill, and labor. The employer provides compensation, resources, opportunities, structure, and the conditions needed for the work to occur. The relationship functions because different forms of participation support similar goals and objectives.

This does not mean either side is obligated to remain permanently within the relationship. An employee may eventually choose different employment. An employer may determine that a particular arrangement is no longer wise. Circumstances change. Mutual support describes how the beings choose to participate while the relationship exists; it does not create permanent ownership over either participant.

Household Practitioners, Ordained Practitioners, and Teachers — The Zenith Direction

The zenith, or upward direction, represents the relationship between Household Practitioners and those who devote substantial portions of their lives to spiritual training and Teaching. In The Six Directions from The Buddha, the Household Practitioner is described as participating through kindness in bodily actions, speech, and intentions, together with hospitality and material support. The Ordained Practitioner or Teacher participates by discouraging unwholesome conduct, encouraging wholesome conduct, sharing Teachings that have not yet been heard, clarifying what has already been learned, and providing spiritual guidance.

This same Teaching appears elsewhere in The Words of The Buddha under the explicit description of mutual support. Volume 12 shares The Teaching that Household Practitioners provide robes, food, lodging, and medicine, while Monks provide The Teachings that are beneficial in the beginning, middle, and end. The Teaching describes the spiritual life as being lived through mutual support for the purpose of bringing discontentedness to an end.

Volume 1 develops this relationship between Teachers and Students further. Teachers share The Teachings so Students can develop wisdom and improve the condition of their minds and lives, while Students provide life-sustaining resources that allow Teachers to continue learning, practicing, and sharing The Teachings. Importantly, the Teacher is guided to “await what is given” rather than craving, expecting, demanding, or pleading for support.

This illustrates mutual support without obligation especially well. A Teacher who freely shares The Teachings does not acquire a claim over the Student’s money or possessions. A Student who provides food, financial resources, or another form of support does not purchase special access, favorable treatment, spiritual attainment, or control over the Teacher. Each person chooses to participate based on their own wisdom and intentions.

The forms of contribution are very different, yet the relationship can be deeply mutually supportive. One contributes wisdom and Teaching; another contributes time, effort, energy, or material resources that help make continued Teaching possible. Neither contribution needs to be converted into a transaction infused with expectations.

Decisions and Results, Not Obligation

Understanding The Six Directions through The Natural Law of Kamma prevents a major misunderstanding of The Teaching. If the Practitioner interprets these relationships as rigid duties imposed upon other people, the mind can quickly develop expectations. A parent may begin thinking, “Because I raised my child, the child is obligated to care for me in exactly the way I want”. A Student may think, “Because I support this Teacher, the Teacher owes me personal attention”. A life partner may think, “Because I did these things for you, you are required to do these things for me”. The outward language may sound like mutual support, but the underlying mind has turned the relationship into craving and control.

The Six Directions become much more useful when they are understood through decisions and results. The Practitioner chooses how to participate, and those decisions produce results. The other person also chooses how to participate, and their decisions produce results. Through The Natural Law of Kamma, each being experiences the results of the decisions they make.

Wholesome participation also contributes to an environment that can support wholesome participation from the other person, while the other person remains the decision-maker of their own life. A child raised by a parent who makes decisions based in patience, wisdom, generosity, and kindness develops within very different circumstances from a child raised by a parent making decisions based in hostility, intimidation, or neglect. A Student treated with patience, accurate instruction, and genuine interest experiences a different learning relationship from one characterized by disrespect or indifference. An employee treated fairly experiences a different workplace from one in which employees are abused or demeaned.

The Teachings of The Buddha therefore guide the Practitioner to understand what particular decisions will produce without turning those natural results into demands. The Practitioner does not need to say, “I made this decision, therefore you now have to give me the result I want”. The Natural Law of Kamma operates through decisions and results; it does not require the Practitioner to control another being.

This understanding also protects the Practitioner’s mind when the other person does not participate wisely. One side of a relationship may be practicing wholesome conduct while the other side continues making unwise decisions. That does not mean the Practitioner’s wholesome conduct was meaningless or that The Teaching failed. The Practitioner is still creating wholesome Kamma through their own intentions, communication, actions, and decisions. At the same time, wisdom can recognize the other person’s conduct and determine whether the current form of participation remains wise.

The Teaching Is Applied to Oneself First

The Six Directions can easily be misused if the Practitioner reads them primarily as a way to evaluate other people. Someone can read the section about parents and immediately begin thinking about everything their own parents failed to provide. A parent can read the section about children and begin listing everything an adult child is not doing. A Teacher can focus on what Students are failing to contribute. A Student can focus on what the Teacher is not providing. Life partners can each read the same Teaching and conclude that the other person needs to change.

That approach directs attention away from the Practitioner’s practice.

The more beneficial use of The Six Directions is to turn The Teaching inward and examine one’s own participation. The parent examines how they are choosing to participate within the parent-child relationship. The child examines how they are choosing to participate with parents or caregivers. The Teacher examines the quality of their Teaching. The Student examines the quality of their learning and practice. The employer examines how they treat employees. The employee examines the quality of their work. The Household Practitioner examines their generosity and conduct, while the Ordained Practitioner or Teacher examines how diligently they learn, practice, and share The Teachings.

The central question therefore becomes:

“How am I choosing to participate within this relationship, and what results will I experience based on the decisions I am making?”

This does not mean ignoring the behavior of the other being. Wisdom includes accurately observing what another person does because that information helps the Practitioner make wise decisions. If someone repeatedly lies, steals, causes harm, refuses agreed work, communicates harshly, or otherwise makes unwise decisions, those facts are relevant when considering the future form of the relationship. But observing another person’s conduct is different from creating an expectation that they must behave according to the Practitioner’s desires.

The Practitioner can observe the other being accurately while continuing to train their own mind to not have an expectation that they will do things a certain way.

Mutual Support Does Not Determine True Love

The understanding of mutual support now returns directly to True Love. Different relationships can contain dramatically different forms of giving without containing different amounts of love. A child may receive money for education. A Student may receive hours of instruction. A friend may receive transportation. A life partner may share a home. An employee may receive wages. A Household Practitioner may receive Teaching. A Teacher may receive food, shelter, financial resources, or other material support.

These things can all be wholesome forms of participation, but none of them by itself is True Love.

True Love exists within the mind as the genuine interest in seeing another being be well. What is outwardly given depends upon the relationship, role, present circumstances, available resources, wisdom, and the choices of the Practitioner. A person can therefore give far more material resources to one being than another while maintaining equal True Love toward both.

This distinction is particularly useful because human beings commonly evaluate relationships according to visible benefit that is received from the other person. Who received the largest gift? Who receives the most phone calls? Who spends the most time together? Who lives in the same house? Who was invited? Who received financial assistance? Who receives physical affection? These observations tell us something about the outward relationship, but they do not reveal the amount of True Love within the mind.

The Practitioner therefore learns not to confuse the decisions about the form of participation with the quality of love.

Roles Change as Circumstances Change

The day-to-day activities and forms of participation within a role are also not permanent. A role may retain the same name while the circumstances associated with it change considerably. The relationship between a parent and a five-year-old child is very different from the relationship between the same parent and that child at forty years old. The words “parent” and “child” remain, but the decisions and participation surrounding the relationship have changed.

The same is true of Teachers and Students. A new Student may need detailed explanation of basic principles, repeated guidance, and significant support establishing a life practice. Years later, the same Student may possess considerable wisdom and need a very different form of Teaching. A wise Teacher guides a developed Student based on what they have learned in the past while helping them to gain increased amounts of wisdom for future development.

Life partnerships also change. Employment, finances, children, health, aging, geography, interests, and countless other circumstances continually alter the day-to-day activities and forms of participation within the relationship. Friendships change as people move, develop new interests, acquire different schedules, or enter different stages of life. Employment relationships change as skills, authority, organizations, and economic circumstances change.

Mutual support therefore is based on wisdom regarding impermanence. The Practitioner cannot simply memorize a particular form of participation and assume that it will remain appropriate forever. The role helps identify the forms of participation available to the Practitioner, while wisdom continuously examines the circumstances that actually exist now, making adjustments as needed.

True Love Is Equal While Roles and Participation Are Different

The deeper Teaching within this chapter can now be understood clearly. Developing True Love toward all beings does not mean the Practitioner needs to interact with every being identically. Equality in True Love refers to the mental quality of genuine interest in seeing all beings be well. It does not mean giving every person equal money, equal time, equal access, equal assistance, equal communication, or an identical role within one’s life.

A parent can financially assist a child without financially assisting every Student. A Teacher can spend extensive time teaching Students without spending equivalent time with every person they have not yet met. A life partner can share a home, finances, and daily life with another life partner without providing the same form of participation to friends. These differences can all exist while the love remains equal.

Wholesome conduct also remains wholesome regardless of the relationship. The Practitioner does not become dishonest with one group, harmful with another, disrespectful with another, and wholesome only toward those closest to them. The quality of conduct remains rooted in wisdom, moral conduct, and mental discipline from The Eight Fold Path. What changes is the role within the relationship and therefore the particular activities and forms of participation that arise within it.

The role helps determine how the Practitioner chooses to participate and what activities are appropriate or not appropriate within that relationship. Wisdom helps guide those choices according to the circumstances and conditions presently existing. Mutual support describes how two beings can contribute in different ways without requiring identical contributions or creating obligations within the mind. The Natural Law of Kamma explains how those decisions produce corresponding results.

When these distinctions are understood, the Practitioner no longer needs to measure love according to outward giving or use relationships to establish demands upon other beings. They can instead examine their own participation, make wise decisions, experience wholesome results, and understand that other beings remain the decision-makers of their own lives.

True Love can remain equal toward all beings while the Practitioner wisely participates according to the different role and circumstances of each relationship.