Practicing with Non-Practitioners in a World of the Unknowing

The previous chapter examined how two beings can understand a subject differently without disagreement becoming disharmony. Two people can have different opinions, prefer different approaches, interpret circumstances differently, and make different decisions while the Practitioner continues maintaining a peaceful, calm, serene, and content mind with joy. That understanding becomes especially important when the Practitioner begins interacting with people who are not learning and practicing The Teachings of The Buddha. For most Practitioners, this will describe a considerable portion of the people encountered throughout daily life. Parents, children, life partners, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and other beings may understand life very differently because they have not developed their understanding through The Four Noble Truths, The Eight Fold Path, and The Path to Enlightenment based on the original Words of The Buddha.

This does not mean there is something wrong with those beings, nor does it mean the Practitioner possesses some superior status. Different beings possess different types of wisdom, understanding, and training. One person may possess considerable wisdom regarding business, another may possess wisdom concerning raising children, another may understand physical health very well, and another may have cultivated generosity, kindness, patience, or discipline through their experiences in life without ever formally studying The Teachings of The Buddha. The Practitioner is not being trained to measure another person’s wisdom against their own or to conclude that they are “wiser” because they are studying The Teachings. Such comparison can easily strengthen conceit. The more useful understanding is that different beings have encountered different information, Teachers, experiences, and forms of training, and therefore they will understand and respond to life in different ways because they understand the world differently.

The Practitioner is therefore not learning how to create a world in which everyone eventually thinks, speaks, acts, and decides in the same way because that is impossible. The Practitioner is learning how to develop sufficient wisdom to function harmoniously with all beings, including when they do things differently than the Practitioner. As the mind develops through The Path to Enlightenment, it needs to become increasingly capable of remaining peaceful when another being disagrees, declines guidance, speaks differently, chooses differently, understands discontentedness differently, or has no interest in practicing The Teachings. The practice that leads to the attainment of Enlightenment and harmonious relationships is not dependent upon changing everyone around the Practitioner. The transformation occurs within the mind of the Practitioner.

What Is a Non-Practitioner?

A Non-Practitioner is someone who is not actively learning and practicing The Path to Enlightenment as taught by The Buddha. The Buddha used the term “Untrained Worldling” to describe such a person. The description points toward an individual whose mind remains untrained and continues “holding on to the world” through craving and clinging rather than having completely learned to let go.

The term is useful because it helps the Practitioner understand why another person may view the same circumstance very differently, but it should never become the basis for an “us versus them” mentality. The Practitioner would not be wise to think, “I practice The Teachings and this person does not, therefore I am better than them”. That thought would merely introduce conceit into a mind that is attempting to eliminate conceit. All beings are equal, while different beings may presently possess different types of wisdom, understanding, and training.

This distinction also means that outward participation in Buddhism does not necessarily demonstrate that someone is practicing The Path to Enlightenment based on the original Words of The Buddha. A person may identify as Buddhist, meditate regularly, attend retreats, visit temples, read Buddhist books, or have what they think is extensive Buddhist experience while still understanding craving, discontentedness, Right View, or The Four Noble Truths very differently than the Practitioner studying these Teachings.

In one class I was teaching, I met an individual who explained that they had been Buddhist for approximately thirty years and had previously been a monk for fifteen years. I asked the person a simple question that I commonly ask Students: “What causes anger?” The individual explained that they could not answer the question. The purpose of this example is not to criticize the person, dismiss their experiences, or compare one person’s wisdom against another’s. It simply demonstrates that titles, years of participation, robes, meditation, retreats, or association with Buddhism do not by themselves tell us what another being presently understands.

The Practitioner does not need to determine that another person is inferior, less intelligent, or less worthy because their understanding differs. The useful observation is simply that the other being presently understands the circumstance differently. That provides information regarding how communication and participation may need to occur. It does not need to produce judgment in the mind.

Another Being Is Not “Difficult” or “Toxic”

Modern relationship language frequently describes people as “difficult,” “toxic,” or through other identity-based labels. It has also become common for people to casually refer to another being as a “narcissist” when describing selfish, conceited, critical, or otherwise unwholesome conduct, including attempts to pressure other people toward particular decisions. The Practitioner would be wise to examine this way of thinking carefully because these labels can easily direct attention away from the condition of one’s own mind and toward the idea that another being is the source of the problem.

When the mind concludes, “This person is difficult,” the Practitioner can investigate what that statement actually means. The other being may speak in a way the Practitioner would not choose. They may make decisions the Practitioner understands to be unwise. They may practice wrong speech or wrong action. They may lie, criticize, apply pressure, attempt to persuade, raise their voice, repeatedly disagree in a bitter, harsh, and hostile way, or conduct themselves in ways that produce unwholesome results. Those intentions, words, actions, and decisions can be understood accurately. However, the existence of that conduct does not mean the other person has become the cause of the Practitioner’s own internal difficulty.

If the Practitioner is presently having challenges functioning harmoniously in relationships, it is because their own mind still contains the pollutions of craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality)—the lack of wisdom. The external circumstance reveals those pollutions, but it does not place them into the mind. Another person’s conduct can trigger craving or anger that already exists, but the cause of the Practitioner’s discontentedness remains within the Practitioner’s own mind.

This distinction prevents the Practitioner from using The Teachings to deny reality. Another being can make an unwise decision. Another being can practice wrong speech. Another being can lie. Another being can cause physical, material, or reputational harm. The Practitioner does not pretend harmful conduct is wholesome, and harmony does not mean remaining in every circumstance regardless of what another being does. The Practitioner can protect the physical body, protect material possessions, address reputational harm where appropriate, seek assistance, stop participating in a circumstance, reduce involvement, or move on from a relationship. What the Practitioner does not need to do is turn the external conduct into the cause of their internal discontentedness while labeling the other person in a degrading way.

The distinction is important: the other person is not the conditioned painful feeling, and the other person’s conduct is not the craving, anger, or ignorance (unknowing of true reality) within the Practitioner’s mind. The Practitioner can accurately identify what another being said or did while continuing to investigate what is occurring internally.

The same approach is useful when people use labels such as “narcissist”. The Practitioner does not need to turn selected conduct into a fixed judgment about the entire being. If another person behaves conceitedly, the Practitioner can recognize conceit. If they speak harshly, the Practitioner can recognize harsh speech. If they repeatedly apply pressure or attempt to influence another person’s decisions, the Practitioner can recognize that conduct. But the mind does not need to become preoccupied with judging, condemning, or defining the entire being. If the Practitioner finds the mind strongly interested in categorizing another person, looking down upon them, condemning them, or proving what type of person they are, that itself becomes useful information for Analysis of The Mind. Conceit, anger, aversion, craving, or ignorance (unknowing of true reality) is present within the mind doing the labeling.

The more useful question is therefore not, “What is wrong with this person?” The more useful investigation is: “What is occurring within my own mind, and what wisdom do I need in order to function harmoniously in this circumstance?”

When Another Being Understands Discontentedness Differently

One of the most significant differences the Practitioner may encounter with Non-Practitioners involves the understanding of what causes discontentedness. Through The Four Noble Truths, the Practitioner is learning that craving/desire/attachment within one’s own mind causes discontentedness. A Non-Practitioner may not understand that anger, frustration, jealousy, worry, and other conditioned painful feelings are caused by processes occurring within the mind rather than by external circumstances.

A Non-Practitioner may not understand this. When anger arises, the person may think, “You made me angry”. When frustration appears, they may think, “You are frustrating me”. When disappointment arises because another person made a different decision, the individual may understand the other person’s decision as the cause of the conditioned painful feeling. Because the cause is understood inaccurately, the person then naturally attempts to solve the problem externally. If the spouse would change, the anger would disappear. If the child would make a different decision, the frustration would disappear. If the friend would communicate more frequently, the anxiety would disappear. If the coworker would behave differently, peace would return.

The Practitioner is learning to understand the circumstance differently. Another person’s intentions, speech, actions, or decisions can provide the external circumstance in which the Red Light appears, but the Red Light directs the Practitioner toward their own mind. The external circumstance is not ignored, but neither is it mistaken for the internal cause. The Practitioner investigates what craving has been triggered, practices Right Mindfulness and Right Effort, and develops the wisdom needed to eliminate the pollution rather than demanding that the external world change first.

This becomes especially important when another being becomes angry with the Practitioner. A parent, child, friend, or life partner may sincerely think that the Practitioner is causing their anger. The Practitioner may understand through The Four Noble Truths that this is not accurate. But possessing that understanding does not mean the Practitioner needs to begin teaching The Four Noble Truths while the other person’s mind is already discontent and their speech has become bitter, harsh, and hostile. Wise communication still involves the proper time. The Practitioner does not need to defend themselves by insisting that the other person is causing their own anger while that person is already experiencing a conditioned painful feeling.

The practice remains within the Practitioner’s own mind. The Practitioner notices the Red Light, applies Right Mindfulness and Right Effort, maintains wholesome intentions and conduct, and determines through wisdom whether communication would be useful. If the other person’s mind is not presently open to receiving information, remaining silent or returning to the discussion later may be wiser.

The Craving to “Help” Other Beings

One of the subtler challenges can arise precisely because the Practitioner is developing wisdom. As the Practitioner learns The Four Noble Truths, recognizes craving more clearly, develops meditation, and begins experiencing a more peaceful and joyful mind, it can become increasingly easy to recognize why other beings are struggling. The Practitioner may see a family member repeatedly becoming angry because of expectations, a friend experiencing the same unpleasant results from repeated decisions, or a life partner struggling with attachment that the Practitioner understands through The Teachings.

At first, the interest in helping can appear entirely wholesome. The Practitioner may genuinely care about the other being and understand that a particular Teaching could be beneficial. Loving-kindness and compassion may be present. But another mental activity can quietly become mixed into the circumstance: the mind begins to want the other person to learn. It wants them to watch the video. It wants them to read the book. It wants them to meditate. It wants them to attend the class. It wants them to speak with a Teacher. It wants them to understand The Four Noble Truths.

Once the mind wants a specific result, craving has entered the situation.

The Practitioner can often see this most clearly when the other person declines. Suppose a book is offered and the person does not read it. A video is shared and the person never watches it. The Practitioner invites them to a class and they say no. Meditation is explained and they have no interest in practicing. If the mind remains peaceful, there may simply have been an offering that the other person chose not to accept. But if disappointment, irritation, frustration, or repeated pressure follows, the Red Light reveals that the mind had become attached to an outcome.

Everyone needs to approach The Teachings on their own terms. No Practitioner can force another being to cultivate wisdom, establish a meditation practice, understand craving, develop Right View, or attain Enlightenment. Every stage involves decisions that the individual needs to make for themselves. The Practitioner can make information available, answer questions, share guidance when there is genuine interest, and demonstrate through their own life what the practice produces, but another being remains the decision-maker.

This became very practical in my own relationships. There were times when I could see my mother or another family member struggling and I would simply ask whether they would like help. Sometimes the answer was yes, and I could share what I understood. At other times, the answer was no. The practice was to become completely comfortable with either response.

There were also circumstances in which my mother specifically asked for advice. She might explain an issue, and I could spend thirty minutes, forty-five minutes, or an hour helping her understand what I understood would produce a wholesome result. At the end of the conversation, she might agree completely with what I explained and then decide to do something entirely different. That remained her decision. Later, she might return after experiencing the result and recognize something she had not previously understood. That experience then became part of the process through which she cultivated her own wisdom.

The important Teaching is that the willingness to help another being should not be contingent upon them doing what the Practitioner suggested. If advice is given with the expectation that it will be followed, the generosity has become mixed with craving. Generosity is giving time, effort, energy, or resources without expecting something in return. Advice does not become an exception merely because the Practitioner considers the advice wise.

Their Life -> Their Decisions -> Their Results

Earlier in this book, the Teaching was established:

Their Life -> Their Decisions -> Their Results

Practicing with Non-Practitioners provides many opportunities to apply this understanding. Another being may decline advice, reject an invitation, listen carefully and still choose differently, or repeatedly make decisions the Practitioner understands will likely produce unpleasant results. The Practitioner can share information where there is an open door, but the other being remains the decision-maker.

This can be especially challenging when the Practitioner can see the likely result before the other person experiences it. The mind may think, “I can see exactly where this is going. Why will this person not listen?” That thought can easily develop into repeated advice, persuasion, pressure, frustration, or an argument. The Practitioner may even think of themselves as being justified in their thoughts, ideas, feelings, and actions because the advice is accurate. Yet being correct about the likely result does not transfer ownership of the other being’s life or decisions.

Another person sometimes needs to experience the results of their own decisions in order to cultivate wisdom. Information alone does not always produce understanding. A person may receive excellent guidance, understand the words intellectually, and still choose differently. After experiencing the result, they may understand something that could not be fully learned through someone else’s explanation. This is part of the natural process through which beings develop wisdom of The Natural Law of Kamma by experiencing the results of their own decisions.

That does not mean the Practitioner becomes indifferent to another person’s well-being. Loving-kindness remains a genuine interest in seeing the other being be well, and compassion remains concern for their misfortune. But loving-kindness does not mean preventing every unpleasant result another being may experience. Compassion does not mean taking over another person’s decision-making. The Practitioner can care deeply while recognizing that another being’s wisdom develops through their own encounters with decisions and results.

This might be thought of as watching someone walk toward a figurative cliff. The distinction between an actual cliff and a figurative cliff is important. If a young child is physically walking toward serious danger, wisdom would not interpret non-attachment as standing nearby and allowing harm to occur. Assistance could be entirely appropriate. But many of life’s “cliffs” are figurative. Someone ignores useful advice, makes an unwise financial decision, chooses a relationship the Practitioner would not choose, handles a professional circumstance differently, or makes another decision whose results may provide valuable learning. Sometimes one of the most loving things the Practitioner can do, arising from True Love and guided by wisdom, is refrain from attempting to control the other person’s decision and remain available if that individual later develops an interest in guidance, advice, or suggestions that would be beneficial to them.

Different Decisions Are Part of Impermanence

Training the mind to become comfortable with other people’s decisions is an important part of living harmoniously with Non-Practitioners. What the Practitioner decides for their own life will not always match what another being decides for theirs. Even the same person will not make the same decision every time because decisions occur within an impermanent world. The Teachings of The Buddha emphasize training the mind to become comfortable with the fact that another person’s choices and decisions will not always match one’s own.

A simple example can be seen within a life partnership. In the past, I might see a movie that interested me and ask my wife to come with me. If she said no, my mind could develop a craving for her to change the decision. I might ask again, encourage her, apply pressure, or make comments intended to get her to come. Eventually she might agree even though she did not actually have an interest in going. Now she was participating in something she did not have an interest in doing, and I might become frustrated because she was not enjoying the experience in the way I expected. What began as a simple invitation had developed into disharmony because my mind had developed craving for a particular answer that involved my wife coming to the movie.

With training, the same external circumstance can unfold very differently. I can ask whether she would like to come to the movie. She can say no, and I can simply continue with my own plan while she continues with hers. Two beings have made different decisions. There is no need to interpret her choice as a lack of love, rejection, disrespect, or evidence that something is wrong with the relationship.

Tomorrow she may say yes. Next week she may say no. That is the impermanent nature of decisions.

The unEnlightened mind frequently wants other people to behave predictably because predictability creates an illusion of permanence. The mind becomes accustomed to a person saying yes, answering the telephone, responding to messages, attending an activity, agreeing with an opinion, or fulfilling a particular role. When the person later chooses differently, the mind can become disturbed because it had quietly developed an expectation that the previous pattern would continue.

Wisdom understands that another being’s decisions are impermanent. Only one person is going to do things exactly the Practitioner’s way one hundred percent of the time: the Practitioner. Everyone else is another decision-maker living another life. The purpose of the training is not to make those other decision-makers more predictable. It is to eliminate the craving that predictability is needed in order for the mind to remain peaceful.

Respond Rather Than React

Living among Non-Practitioners means the Practitioner will inevitably encounter intentions, speech, actions, and decisions that differ substantially from how the Practitioner is learning to conduct their own life. A person may speak bitterly, harshly, and hostilely. They may become argumentative, criticize, accuse, lie, attempt to apply pressure, or communicate from anger. They may make decisions the Practitioner understands to be unwise or engage in conduct the Practitioner would not choose. None of this is a surprise when interacting with beings whose minds are still influenced by craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality). The important question is not whether another being will always conduct themselves wholesomely. While in the unEnlightened state, that is not realistic. The important question is what occurs within the Practitioner’s own mind when another being’s conduct does not match what the Practitioner prefers.

If another person becomes bitter, harsh, and hostile, the unEnlightened mind can immediately begin constructing a story around the circumstance. “They should not speak to me that way”. “They are disrespecting me”. “They need to calm down”. Each thought can contain craving regarding how the other being should presently be conducting themselves. Once the mind becomes attached to a different version of the circumstance than the one actually occurring, conditioned painful feelings will arise. The Practitioner may then become angry at the other person’s anger, harsh in response to the other person’s harshness, or argumentative because the other person is argumentative. Instead of one mind functioning through craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality), there are now two minds participating in the same pattern.

The training is to interrupt that process within one’s own mind. Right Mindfulness helps the Practitioner notice what is arising, while Right Effort is applied to cut off and let go of the unwholesome mental activity before it develops further. The Practitioner is not waiting for the other being to calm down before practicing. The other person may continue speaking harshly. They may remain angry. They may continue thinking that the Practitioner is responsible for their anger. The Practitioner’s training remains the same because the condition of the other person’s mind does not determine whether Right Mindfulness and Right Effort can be practiced.

When the Practitioner notices that their own mind has already become discontent, continuing the conversation may no longer be wise. Wise communication begins with the condition of the mind. A mind experiencing anger, irritation, or strong frustration is not functioning with the same calmness, concentration, and wisdom as a peaceful mind. The Practitioner may therefore stop participating in the conversation, walk away where appropriate, practice mindfulness, eliminate the conditioned painful feeling from the mind, and communicate later if there remains something beneficial to discuss. This is not avoidance. It is recognition that the proper time for communication is not when the mind is already under the influence of unwholesome mental activity.

During the gradual development of the mind, there may be an intermediate period in which the Practitioner still experiences frustration internally but becomes increasingly capable of restraining harmful speech and action. A person who previously yelled, argued, insulted, or behaved in a bitter, harsh, and hostile way may begin noticing the conditioned painful feeling without expressing it through the same conduct. It is better to be “quietly frustrated” than “overtly hostile and angry”.

That restraint represents progress, but quiet frustration is not the goal. The mind is still experiencing discontentedness, which means an underlying pollution has not yet been completely eliminated. The longer-term training is not to become highly skilled at appearing calm while remaining internally angry. The Practitioner continues practicing the entire Eight Fold Path, including Right Mindfulness and Right Effort, while using meditation and Analysis of The Mind to identify and eliminate the craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality) that allowed the circumstance to produce internal difficulty.

The development can therefore be understood as a progression. At first, frustration arises and is expressed through unwholesome intentions, speech, or actions. With greater mental discipline, the Practitioner notices the feeling and restrains the outward reaction. With continued practice of The Eight Fold Path, including Right Mindfulness and Right Effort, together with meditation and Analysis of The Mind, the Practitioner identifies the underlying craving and develops a plan for eliminating it. As that craving is gradually eliminated, the conditioned painful feeling arises less frequently and with less intensity. Eventually, the circumstance occurs and there is no frustration to restrain because the mind has been trained not to produce the conditioned painful feeling in response.

This is what it means to respond rather than react. A reaction is influenced by craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality) already active within the mind. A wise response develops from a mind trained through generosity, loving-kindness, and wisdom with wholesome moral conduct, mindfulness, and mental discipline. The Practitioner is not attempting to become passive. They may speak, leave, decline participation, address harmful conduct where appropriate, seek assistance, or make another wise decision, but that decision is increasingly made from a peaceful, calm, serene, and content mind with joy rather than through craving, anger, or ignorance (unknowing of true reality).

The Problem Is Not That Others Are Not Practicing

This brings the Practitioner to one of the most important understandings in this chapter:

The problem is not that other people are not practicing The Teachings. The problem is that the Practitioner’s mind wants or expects other people to practice The Teachings.

At first, these two situations can appear almost identical. The Practitioner may see a family member repeatedly becoming angry, a friend continually experiencing the results of unwise decisions, or a life partner struggling because of attachment and expectations. The Practitioner understands that The Four Noble Truths, meditation, Right Effort, or another Teaching could be beneficial. There can be genuine loving-kindness and compassion in recognizing that another being is struggling and having an interest in seeing them be well. The problem begins when that wholesome interest becomes mixed with craving that the person has to change.

This is also where True Love: Love Without Attachment becomes especially important. True Love is a genuine interest in seeing another being be well without wanting or expecting anything from them. The Practitioner can therefore have a genuine interest in seeing a parent, child, life partner, friend, or other being acquire wisdom without wanting or expecting that person to learn The Teachings. The loving quality of mind remains whether the person accepts the invitation or declines it. If love becomes dependent upon the other being meditating, learning, changing, agreeing, or making a particular decision, craving and attachment have become mixed into what the mind is calling love.

The distinction becomes visible when the other being declines. Suppose the Practitioner offers a book and the person does not read it. A video is shared and the person never watches it. The Practitioner invites them to a class and they decline. The Practitioner explains meditation and the person has no interest in practicing. If the mind remains peaceful, there may simply have been an offering that the other person chose not to accept. But if disappointment, irritation, frustration, or repeated pressure follows, the Red Light is revealing something about the Practitioner’s own mind. The problem is no longer merely that the other being has not learned The Teachings. The problem is that the Practitioner has developed craving regarding what the other being should do.

This becomes especially significant with those close to us because the mind can disguise attachment as concern. A parent may think they only want their child to be happy. A life partner may think they only want the other person to stop struggling. A friend may think they are only trying to help. Genuine care may indeed be present, but genuine care does not prevent craving from also becoming mixed into the circumstance. The Practitioner therefore needs to examine the condition of the mind carefully. If another being says no and the mind becomes discontent, the Red Light is providing useful information. The mind had become attached to a particular result.

Everyone needs to approach The Teachings on their own terms. No one can force another being to cultivate wisdom, practice meditation, understand craving, establish Right View, or attain Enlightenment. Each person’s development depends upon countless decisions made throughout their own life. The Practitioner can make information available, answer questions, share guidance when there is genuine interest, and live as an example of what the practice produces, but another being still needs to make every decision associated with their own growth on The Path to Enlightenment.

This is why the Practitioner’s own practice remains primary. The mind can become so engrossed in what another person is or is not doing that it neglects the very training it is attempting to encourage in others. A Practitioner can spend considerable time criticizing a family member for not practicing while failing to notice the craving, anger, and conceit arising within their own mind. The person attempting to encourage someone else to practice The Teachings can, in that very moment, neglect The Teachings themselves.

The wiser approach is to return attention to the decision-maker’s own mind. The Practitioner can examine whether loving-kindness is present, whether Right Speech is being practiced, whether the mind is responding rather than reacting, whether craving is present, and whether the mind can remain peaceful even if the other being never studies The Teachings at all. This is a much deeper test of the practice than whether the Practitioner can convince someone else to meditate. It would be highly unwise to attempt to force others to learn and practice these Teachings because that would only produce unwholesome results (i.e. unwholesome Kamma).

One of the most beneficial things a Practitioner can do for themselves and for the beings around them is to remain focused on their own learning, growth, and development on The Path to Enlightenment. As the mind becomes more well-trained, the transformation becomes increasingly visible through the Practitioner’s intentions, speech, actions, peacefulness, and treatment of other beings. Treating people with politeness, kindness, friendliness, respect, gentleness, and warmth produces wholesome results in the Practitioner’s life and contributes wholesomeness to the lives of those around them. The Practitioner does not need to convince other beings that The Teachings are effective. The increasing peacefulness and joy of the Practitioner’s own mind can demonstrate the results of the training.

Moving On Without Aversion

Understanding that another being does not cause the Practitioner’s discontentedness does not mean that the Practitioner remains in every relationship or continues every form of participation indefinitely. Wisdom includes making decisions regarding who is involved in one’s life, what activities are shared, how frequently communication occurs, and whether continued participation remains wise or unwise. Some relationships may involve repeated harmful conduct, substantially different activities, or circumstances in which continued participation is no longer wise. A Practitioner’s wisdom may lead to reduced participation or ending the relationship while continuing to practice The Teachings of The Buddha.

The important distinction is the mental condition from which the decision arises. One person may experience conditioned painful feelings, identify the other being as the cause of those feelings, and think that removing the person will finally produce peace. That is aversion because the mind is attempting to solve an internal problem by pushing away an external object. The relationship may end, but the craving that produced the discontentedness remains in the mind. When another person later triggers the same craving, the same conditioned painful feelings will arise again. The external person changed, but the pollution within the mind was never completely eliminated.

A wise decision to move on can look very similar externally while being completely different internally. The Practitioner may recognize that another person’s conduct is not causing the internal discontentedness and still conclude that continued participation is unwise. There may be recurring harmful conduct, incompatible decisions, or simply no wise reason to continue the relationship in its current form. The Practitioner can make that decision peacefully while still maintaining loving-kindness and compassion toward the other being. Moving on does not require the Practitioner to abandon loving-kindness, compassion, or the understanding that any discontentedness experienced internally is a result of one’s own craving/desire/attachment.

This prevents two opposite misunderstandings. The first is thinking that harmony means remaining close to everyone regardless of their conduct. The second is thinking that leaving a relationship automatically eliminates the pollutions within one’s own mind. Neither is accurate. Wise decisions are needed both to address the external circumstances and to train the mind to eliminate the internal condition of craving/desire/attachment. A harmful circumstance may need to end, while the craving, anger, or ignorance triggered by that circumstance still needs to be investigated through Analysis of The Mind.

The Practitioner therefore does not need to label another being “toxic” in order to justify changing participation. Nor does the Practitioner need to establish that the other person is bad, wrong, narcissistic, or responsible for the Practitioner’s internal condition. The decision can be much more accurate:

“Given the decisions this person is making, what is the wisest decision for me regarding my own participation while maintaining a peaceful, calm, serene, and content mind with joy?”

That question keeps the Practitioner focused on what they can actually decide.

The World Is Where the Practice Occurs

A Practitioner may occasionally think that the mind would become peaceful much more quickly if there were fewer challenging interactions with other people. It can seem appealing to remove oneself from disagreement, criticism, unexpected decisions, anger, and the many circumstances that arise through relationships. In isolation, the mind may indeed experience fewer situations that trigger deeply conditioned cravings. But fewer triggers do not necessarily mean those cravings have been eliminated.

If someone retreats to a cave for many years and assumes that peacefulness in isolation means the mind has completed the training to attain Enlightenment, the difficulty appears when the person returns to ordinary society and begins interacting with others. Someone criticizes them, another person disagrees, a family member attempts to place an expectation on them, or a coworker acts competitively, and the Red Light appears again. The circumstance did not create the pollution at that moment. It revealed what remained within the mind.

An individual cannot attain a peaceful mind and develop harmonious relationships by retreating to a cave for multiple years. To accomplish these goals, there needs to be a well-developed practice of the entire Eight Fold Path through countless interactions in daily life.

Relationships therefore provide important opportunities for the Practitioner to verify whether the mind is actually developing. Someone may see the Practitioner as a rival, yet the Practitioner does not need to view that person as a rival. Someone may become angry, yet the Practitioner does not need to become angry in return. Someone may reject guidance, yet the Practitioner does not need them to accept it. Someone may practice wrong speech, yet the Practitioner can continue practicing Right Speech. Another being may attempt to place expectations upon the Practitioner, yet the Practitioner does not need to attempt to place expectations upon them in return.

This is where development becomes practical rather than merely intellectual. It is relatively straightforward to understand conceptually that anger is caused by craving within the individual’s own mind rather than by another being. The deeper training occurs when someone is directly in front of the Practitioner, speaking bitterly, harshly, and hostilely, and the Practitioner remains capable of noticing their own mind, cutting off and letting go of the arising unwholesome mental activity, and making a wise decision about how to respond. It is relatively easy to understand that another person’s life belongs to them. The deeper training occurs when a child, parent, life partner, sibling, or friend makes a decision the Practitioner considers deeply unwise and the Practitioner can remain peaceful while recognizing that the other being will experience the results of their own decision.

The world therefore does not interfere with the practice. The world continually provides circumstances in which the practice can be developed and verified. Every interaction offers information about the condition of the mind. If anger still arises when criticism is experienced, there is something to investigate. If frustration still arises when guidance is rejected, there is something to investigate. If anxiety or resentment still arises when another person makes a different decision, there is something to investigate. The Red Light is not announcing that the world has failed to cooperate. It is showing the Practitioner where further training is needed.

Harmony Does Not Require Another Being to Practice

The Practitioner will live among many beings who never learn and practice The Teachings of The Buddha. Some may identify strongly as Buddhist while their understanding and practice are based primarily on rites, rituals, ceremonies, cultural traditions, or other teachings that are not from The Buddha, rather than on studying and practicing The Four Noble Truths and The Eight Fold Path based on the original Words of The Buddha. Others may possess considerable kindness, generosity, discipline, or practical wisdom without considering themselves Buddhist at all. None of these circumstances prevents the Practitioner from developing harmony.

Harmony does not depend upon the other person developing the same understanding. It does not depend upon the other person meditating, accepting guidance, agreeing with the Practitioner, communicating in the same way, or making the same decisions. If harmony depends upon any of those external conditions, the mind has created another expectation. Peacefulness has again been made conditional upon the world behaving according to the mind’s preferences and is not true peacefulness.

The deeper training is to recognize that the Practitioner can disagree with another being’s intentions, speech, actions, and decisions while still maintaining loving-kindness and compassion. The Practitioner can understand that another person’s conduct is unwise without wanting that person to become different before the mind can remain peaceful. The Practitioner can recognize wrong speech without responding through wrong speech. They can recognize harmful conduct and make wise decisions regarding participation without hatred. They can offer guidance without needing the guidance to be followed. They can observe another being making a decision they would never choose while understanding:

Their Life -> Their Decisions -> Their Results.

This does not mean passively accepting everything another being does. Wisdom remains active. The Practitioner still decides where to participate, when to speak, when to remain silent, when to offer information, when to leave, when to protect against harm, and when to seek assistance. What changes is the condition of the mind making those decisions. The Practitioner becomes increasingly capable of making them without the craving that another being first become different.

This is why the central Teaching of the chapter is so important:

The problem is not that other people are not practicing The Teachings. The problem is that the Practitioner’s mind wants or expects other people to practice The Teachings.

Once that distinction is understood, the direction of the training becomes clear. The Practitioner stops attempting to construct a world in which everyone functions according to their desires and instead continues training the one mind they can actually train—their own.

As the pollutions of craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality) are gradually eliminated, another person’s different understanding becomes less threatening. Their different decisions become easier to understand and accept. Their rejection of guidance can occur without frustration arising. Their anger does not need to become the Practitioner’s anger. Their lack of interest in The Teachings does not need to become a problem for the Practitioner. The other being can remain exactly where they presently are in their own development while the Practitioner continues cultivating wisdom.

The Practitioner is therefore not learning how to make Non-Practitioners easier to live with. That framing would again place the cause of the challenge outside the Practitioner’s own mind. The Practitioner is learning how to develop sufficient wisdom to function harmoniously with all beings, including when those beings think, speak, act, decide, and practice differently.

That is a deeper form of harmony because it does not depend upon uniformity. True Love can remain while decisions differ. Loving-kindness can remain while understanding differs. Compassion can remain while another being struggles. Wise participation can change without hatred. Communication can end without resentment. A relationship can continue without agreement, or it can end without aversion.

The Practitioner continues training their own mind.

This leads naturally into the next chapter because some of the strongest attachments do not arise with people the Practitioner doesn’t know or distant acquaintances. They arise with the people the mind holds most tightly—the people described as “my” parent, “my” child, “my” life partner, “my” family, or “my” closest friend. The next chapter will therefore examine eliminating attachment to those closest to us.