The Four Healthy Mental States for Harmonious Relationships

Relationships provide a Practitioner with countless opportunities to observe the condition of the mind. Another person may speak in a way that is unexpected, make a decision that is different from what the Practitioner prefers, experience success, encounter misfortune, become sick, change their behavior, disagree with an opinion, leave a relationship, begin a new relationship, receive recognition, or experience any number of circumstances that are outside of the Practitioner’s control. Each of these circumstances can reveal whether the mind is residing with wholesome mental qualities or whether craving, anger, ignorance (unknowing of true reality), jealousy, worry, anxiety, restlessness, or other unwholesome mental activity remain present.

In the previous chapter, we examined how anger, irritation, resentment, hatred, and ill will create disharmony. Those mental states influence intentions, speech, and actions and make it increasingly difficult for the Practitioner to interact with other beings through wisdom. But The Path to Enlightenment does not consist only of identifying and eliminating what is unwholesome. Right Effort includes both sides of the training. The Practitioner gradually prevents and abandons unwholesome qualities while producing and maintaining wholesome qualities. The mind is not merely being emptied of anger, jealousy, worry, anxiety, and other unwholesome mental activity. It is being trained and transformed so that wholesome qualities increasingly permeate the mind.

Four especially important wholesome mental qualities are loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity. These are what I commonly describe as The Four Healthy Mental States.

1.) Loving-kindness (Pāli: mettā) is active goodwill towards all beings without judgment. A genuine interest in seeing all beings be well.

2.) Compassion (Pāli: karuṇā) is concern for the misfortunes of others.

3.) Sympathetic joy (Pāli: muditā) is joy for others’ success, even if you did not contribute to it.

4.) Equanimity (Pāli: upekkhā) is mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation; treating everyone impartially.

These are mental qualities. This point is essential to understand because the mind can possess one of these wholesome qualities without that mental state necessitating a particular outward action. Compassion, for example, is concern for the misfortunes of others. Compassion itself is not the act of giving someone food, money, shelter, transportation, medical assistance, or other support. If the Practitioner decides to provide resources or assistance, that would be generosity. The compassion is the wholesome quality residing within the mind. Wisdom then determines whether some action is appropriate or even possible.

The same understanding applies throughout these Four Healthy Mental States. Loving-kindness does not necessitate remaining in every relationship. Sympathetic joy does not necessitate participating in another person’s celebration. Equanimity does not necessitate remaining physically present in every difficult situation. These qualities describe the quality of the mind. The decisions that follow are separate matters that need to be guided by wisdom according to the actual circumstances being experienced.

The Foundation for Cultivating Healthy Mental States

The central foundation for cultivating all four of these wholesome mental qualities is Right Mindfulness and Right Effort.

Right Mindfulness allows the Practitioner to recognize what is occurring within the mind. Without awareness of mind, a person can spend hours, days, months, or even years residing with anger, jealousy, anxiety, indifference, resentment, or other unwholesome mental activity without clearly recognizing what is occurring. They may simply think, “This is how I feel because of what that person did”. But through the development of Right Mindfulness, the Practitioner gradually learns to observe the mind rather than automatically follow whatever mental state has arisen.

When an unwholesome quality is recognized, Right Effort is applied to cut it off and let it go. The Practitioner then applies Right Effort to cultivate the wholesome quality and, once it has arisen, maintain and strengthen it. This is the same training of Right Effort that is applied throughout The Path: prevent unwholesome qualities that have not yet arisen, abandon unwholesome qualities that have arisen, produce wholesome qualities that have not yet arisen, and maintain wholesome qualities that have arisen.

This training becomes increasingly effective as mindfulness develops. Early in one’s practice, the Student may recognize jealousy only after spending an entire evening comparing oneself with another person. Worry may be recognized only after hours of repetitive thinking. Anger may be recognized only after harsh words have already been spoken. With continued training, these states are recognized sooner. The Practitioner begins noticing the bodily sensations associated with arising discontentedness, the conditioned feeling that is forming, the changing condition of mind, and the mental objects that are occupying the mind. Right Effort can then be applied earlier, allowing the unwholesome quality to be cut off and let go before it becomes deeply established.

Right Mindfulness and Right Effort are the central foundation, but they are not the only Teachings and practices used to cultivate these qualities. Meditation assists in training the mind. Loving-kindness Meditation can help develop loving-kindness and compassion. Breathing Mindfulness Meditation develops calmness, mindfulness, concentration, and the ability to recognize and let go of unwholesome mental activity. The Seven Factors of Enlightenment provide additional ways of understanding how the mind can be brought toward balance. Analysis of The Mind helps the Practitioner investigate the craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations that are allowing an unwholesome quality to continue arising. The entire Eight Fold Path works together in transforming the qualities of the mind.

Meditation alone, however, is not sufficient. A Practitioner could sit peacefully during meditation each morning and then spend the remainder of the day becoming angry with family members, jealous of coworkers, indifferent toward people experiencing hardship, and shaken by every difficult circumstance. The training needs to move from formal meditation into daily life. Relationships become one of the places where the Practitioner learns whether these wholesome mental qualities have actually been developed.

Loving-Kindness

Loving-kindness (Pāli: mettā) is active goodwill towards all beings without judgment. A genuine interest in seeing all beings be well.

Loving-kindness and True Love are the same wholesome mental quality. True Love is not a conditioned feeling produced because another person looks a certain way, behaves according to one’s desires, provides companionship, agrees with one’s opinions, fulfills an expectation, or continues participating in a relationship. Those circumstances can change because all conditioned things are impermanent. If love depends upon another person’s behavior, presence, agreement, appearance, or participation, then the mind is not experiencing an unconditioned quality of True Love. It is experiencing craving/desire/attachment associated with the other person.

Loving-kindness is different because it is developed within the Practitioner’s own mind. It is active goodwill toward all beings without judgment and a genuine interest in seeing all beings be well. The other being does not need to earn it. They do not need to agree with the Practitioner, practice The Teachings, make wise decisions, speak politely, remain in a relationship, apologize, understand the Practitioner’s point of view, or behave according to the Practitioner’s preferences. Loving-kindness is a quality the Practitioner develops because the Practitioner is training their own mind.

This is why loving-kindness can remain present even when another person’s conduct is unwholesome. The Practitioner can recognize that another being is lying, behaving aggressively, making an unwise decision, engaging in harmful conduct, or participating in something the Practitioner chooses not to support while still maintaining a genuine interest in seeing that being be well. Loving-kindness does not mean approving of everything another person does. It does not mean agreeing with unwise conduct. It does not mean remaining involved in a harmful circumstance. It means the mind does not need to produce hatred, ill will, hostility, or a desire for the other being to experience harm.

A Practitioner could therefore choose to end a relationship while maintaining loving-kindness. The outward decision to discontinue participation does not determine the mental state. A person could leave a relationship while filled with hatred, resentment, and a desire to punish. Another person could make the same outward decision with a peaceful mind, recognizing that continued participation is unwise while still possessing a genuine interest in seeing the other being be well. The physical departure may look similar, but the condition of mind is entirely different.

Anger, hatred, ill will, hostility, irritation, annoyance, and related qualities reveal that loving-kindness has not yet been fully cultivated. When these qualities arise, Right Mindfulness recognizes what is occurring. Right Effort is applied to cut off and let go of the unwholesome quality and to cultivate loving-kindness. The Practitioner does not need to wait until hatred becomes intense. An irritated thought about a family member, an annoyed reaction toward a coworker, or a subtle desire for someone to experience an unpleasant result because of something they did can reveal that further cultivation is needed.

Loving-kindness Meditation will help train the mind in this direction, but daily life is where the quality becomes deeply established. The Practitioner practices being polite, kind, friendly, and respectful toward all beings through their intentions, speech, and actions as detailed in The Eight Fold Path without making wholesome conduct dependent upon whether the other being responds in the same way. Each interaction becomes an opportunity to strengthen the quality. When someone agrees with the Practitioner, loving-kindness is practiced. When someone disagrees, loving-kindness is practiced. When someone behaves pleasantly, loving-kindness is practiced. When someone behaves unpleasantly, the Practitioner continues training the mind so that loving-kindness is not lost.

As this quality becomes increasingly established, relationships become less dependent upon other people’s conduct. The Practitioner does not need the entire world to behave according to the mind’s preferences in order to remain loving. Loving-kindness becomes something the Practitioner carries into the relationship rather than something another person is responsible for producing. By the time loving-kindness is fully cultivated in the mind, the Practitioner will not have even the slightest dislike towards other beings.

Compassion

Compassion (Pāli: karuṇā) is concern for the misfortunes of others.

Compassion can be misunderstood because people sometimes associate it with becoming emotionally distressed about another person’s difficulties. But if, upon learning of another person’s misfortune, the mind becomes worried, anxious, overwhelmed, or continually disturbed, those unwholesome mental states are not compassion. Compassion is the concern. The worry and anxiety are being produced by craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations within one’s own mind.

It can be helpful to understand compassion by looking at the extremes that can exist when this mental quality has not been fully cultivated. On one side is indifference. The mind observes another being experiencing misfortune and responds, “I couldn’t care less”. Or perhaps, “That is not someone I know. It is not my concern”. The mind experiences virtually no concern for the being’s hardship. The mind has moved toward indifference.

On the opposite side, the mind may become consumed by another person’s misfortune. Perhaps the Practitioner learns that children somewhere do not have enough food. The mind begins thinking, “Oh my goodness, those children do not have food. How are they going to eat?”. The thought continues repeatedly. The person thinks about it throughout the day, experiences worry, becomes anxious, and loses peace of mind.

At first glance, the second person may appear to have more compassion because they seem to care intensely. But the worry and anxiety are not compassion. Those conditioned painful feelings indicate that craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations are present. Perhaps the mind is craving for the children to immediately have food, wanting the circumstance to be different from what it currently is, or attaching to an outcome that the individual cannot personally produce. Compassion itself remains simply concern for the misfortunes of others.

This helps the Practitioner understand the healthy quality in the middle. The mind is not indifferent, and the mind is not consumed by worry and anxiety. It recognizes the misfortune and possesses genuine concern while remaining peaceful, calm, and capable of accessing wisdom.

In both extremes, compassion has not been fully cultivated. This distinction is important because the mind may possess some degree of compassion while still moving toward indifference in certain circumstances or worry and anxiety in others. The unEnlightened mind can even move between both extremes depending upon the person or circumstance involved. Someone may be largely indifferent toward an unhoused person they have never met yet become consumed by worry when a close family member encounters a similar hardship. The external misfortune may be similar, but attachment changes the mind’s reaction.

This is where the training becomes more detailed. Right Mindfulness observes where the mind has moved. Is there indifference? Is there worry? Is there anxiety? Is the mind repeatedly thinking about a circumstance it cannot control? Right Effort cuts off and lets go of the unwholesome mental activity and cultivates compassion.

The Practitioner can then maintain concern without creating additional discontentedness within one’s own mind. This does not make a person cold or uncaring. In fact, a calm mind will be far more capable of determining whether anything useful can actually be done.

Compassion also needs to be distinguished from action. Imagine seeing an unhoused individual sitting beside the road. The Practitioner may experience genuine concern for that person’s misfortune. Whether the Practitioner then provides food, money, clothing, transportation, or some other support is a separate decision. If the Practitioner gives resources, that is generosity. Compassion is the concern residing within the mind.

There may also be circumstances in which action is not possible. A Practitioner could learn of a natural disaster occurring thousands of kilometers away and have full compassion for the beings experiencing that misfortune while having no practical ability to change the situation. There may be other circumstances where assistance is possible but wisdom determines that a particular form of intervention would not be wise. Compassion does not necessitate any specific action. Wisdom determines whether any action is appropriate or even possible.

This distinction is especially valuable in relationships. A family member may be making repeated decisions that lead to unwholesome results. The Practitioner can have compassion for the person’s misfortune without attempting to control their life. Concern can remain present while recognizing:

Their Life -> Their Decisions -> Their Results

Compassion does not require the Practitioner to rescue another being from every result of their decisions. Nor does it require becoming worried and anxious while observing what they are experiencing. The Practitioner can remain concerned, peaceful, and available to provide appropriate support when wisdom determines that support would be wise.

Sympathetic Joy

Sympathetic joy (Pāli: muditā) is joy for others’ success, even if you did not contribute to it.

Sympathetic joy is the wholesome quality that allows the Practitioner to have fond thoughts regarding another person’s success while the mind continues residing with joy. The important point is that the other person’s success does not create the Practitioner’s joy. Joy, as an unconditioned wholesome mental quality, is something being experienced within the mind as it moves closer to Enlightenment. When another being experiences a beneficial outcome, the Practitioner can think fondly about that person’s success without the mind losing its own quality of joy.

Envy and jealousy are the opposite direction. When envy or jealousy arise, the mind is no longer residing fully with joy. Another person’s success has revealed craving/desire/attachment within the Practitioner’s mind.

Imagine two coworkers who apply for a promotion. One receives the promotion and the other does not. The person who was not selected may begin thinking, “Why did they get it instead of me?”. They may begin comparing qualifications, criticizing the person who was promoted, searching for reasons the decision was unfair, or replaying the circumstance repeatedly in the mind. Perhaps they become irritated when the coworker’s promotion is mentioned or feel displeasure when other people congratulate that individual.

The coworker’s promotion did not create the jealousy. The craving within the mind created the discontentedness. The mind desired the promotion, attached to a particular outcome, or expected recognition. When reality did not unfold according to those desires, the conditioned painful feelings of envy and jealousy arose in the mind.

Sympathetic joy provides a different way for the mind to relate to another person’s beneficial outcomes. The Practitioner can think, “That is wonderful for them”. The mind can have fond thoughts about their success without needing to compare lives. Their achievement does not diminish the Practitioner’s life. Their recognition does not reduce the Practitioner’s value. Their happiness does not take happiness away from anyone else.

This becomes especially important in close relationships because comparison can quietly create disharmony. One sibling earns more money than another. One friend purchases a home while another continues renting. One coworker receives praise. One Student progresses more quickly in their understanding of a certain topic. One person’s business becomes successful. A life partner receives an opportunity that the Practitioner has not received. These circumstances can reveal whether sympathetic joy has been fully cultivated.

Right Mindfulness notices when the mind begins comparing, envying, or becoming jealous. Right Effort cuts off and lets go of that unwholesome mental activity and cultivates sympathetic joy. The Practitioner deliberately trains to have fond thoughts regarding another being’s beneficial outcome while maintaining the mind’s own unconditioned quality of joy.

Over time, another person’s success no longer threatens the mind. The Practitioner does not need to be responsible for the success in order to appreciate it. This is why the definition states, “even if you did not contribute to it”. The mind does not need credit. It does not need recognition. It does not need to be part of the accomplishment. The other being can simply experience a beneficial result, and the Practitioner can remain joyful.

This quality is deeply supportive of harmonious relationships because jealousy and envy introduce competition where none is needed. The Practitioner does not need to measure life against someone else’s life. Each being is experiencing the results associated with their own decisions and circumstances. Sympathetic joy allows another person’s beneficial outcome to remain exactly what it is—their beneficial outcome—without turning it into a source of discontentedness within one’s own mind.

Equanimity

Equanimity (Pāli: upekkhā) is mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation; treating everyone impartially.

Equanimity has two important aspects within this definition. The first is the stability of the mind: mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially when circumstances become difficult. The second is impartiality: treating everyone impartially.

Unlike compassion, it is not especially useful to describe equanimity as residing between two opposite extremes. The distinction is more straightforward. Either the mind is becoming unsteady, unstable, disturbed, or shaken up, or the mind is maintaining calmness and composure. The degree will vary as the Practitioner develops, but the direction of the training is clear.

Consider an example that I commonly use when teaching equanimity. Imagine receiving a telephone call informing you that your mother has been in a terrible car accident. She has been placed in the back of an ambulance and is being rushed to the hospital.

For many people, the mind immediately becomes shaken. Thoughts begin racing. Fear, worry, and anxiety arise. The body becomes tense. The person may grab their keys, rush to the car, and begin driving toward the hospital as quickly as possible.

It would be easy to think that becoming shaken up is occurring because of love for one’s mother. But True Love is not creating the unwholesome mental state. True Love and loving-kindness are wholesome qualities. The mind is becoming shaken because craving/desire/attachment is present. Perhaps the mind is craving for mom to be permanently healthy, attaching to her physical condition, or wanting reality to be different from what has just been reported.

But mom cannot remain permanently healthy. Neither can you. Neither can I. Every physical body is subject to illness, injury, aging, and death. The craving for a loved one to remain permanently healthy is therefore a craving for something reality cannot provide.

If the person allows the mind to become completely shaken, the situation can become worse. They may drive recklessly through traffic trying to reach the hospital five or ten minutes sooner. While attempting to get to mom, they could cause another vehicle accident and create additional harm for themselves and others.

Even if they arrive safely, an unsteady mind will have difficulty understanding what is happening. A doctor may explain the injuries, possible treatments, risks, or decisions that need to be made, but the person is so overwhelmed that they cannot listen carefully, concentrate, or comprehend the information. The difficult situation now requires wisdom, yet the condition of the mind is making wisdom harder to access. The Practitioner would be unable to help their mom in the best way possible because the mind is unsteady, unstable, disturbed, or shaken up and it cannot take in the information being shared by the medical team to make wise decisions that help.

Equanimity provides another approach.

The Practitioner receives the same telephone call and recognizes that the circumstance is serious. There can be loving-kindness for mom. There can be compassion for the misfortune she is experiencing. But the mind does not need to become unstable.

Mom is already in the back of an ambulance. That is exactly where she needs to be. Emergency medical personnel are with her. She is being transported to a hospital where doctors, nurses, medical equipment, and other resources are available. Arriving five or ten minutes earlier is unlikely to improve the medical care she is already receiving.

If Right Mindfulness recognizes that the mind has become shaken, Right Effort can be applied immediately. Before getting into the car, the Practitioner may close the eyes for a few moments, breathe, relax, and allow the mind to return toward calmness and composure. Then the Practitioner can travel to the hospital safely.

When arriving at the hospital, a calm and composed mind can listen. It can understand. It can ask appropriate questions. It can consider the available information. It can make decisions based upon wisdom rather than panic.

This is the practical importance of:

Calmness -> Mindfulness -> Concentration -> Wisdom

When the mind is calm, the Practitioner can maintain mindfulness— awareness of mind. With mindfulness, the mind can become concentrated. With concentration, the Practitioner develops clarity of mind and can access wisdom. Wisdom can then guide decisions according to the actual circumstances being experienced to produce wholesome results (i.e. wholesome Kamma).

When the mind becomes unstable and shaken, the opposite can occur. Mindfulness becomes more difficult. Concentration weakens. Access to wisdom is reduced. A circumstance that is already challenging can then become worse because decisions are being made from an uncalm mind; therefore, unwholesome results (i.e. unwholesome Kamma) are experienced.

Equanimity therefore does not mean indifference. Remaining calm when mom has been seriously injured does not mean the Practitioner does not care about mom. Loving-kindness, compassion, and equanimity can exist together. The Practitioner can have a genuine interest in seeing mom be well, possess concern for the misfortune she is experiencing, and simultaneously maintain calmness and composure so that wisdom remains accessible.

This quality needs to be practiced before major emergencies occur. If a Practitioner only attempts to cultivate equanimity when receiving news of a terrible accident, the mind may not yet possess sufficient training. Daily life provides smaller opportunities. Traffic is unexpectedly heavy. A meeting begins late. Someone cancels an appointment. A family member disagrees. A child makes an unexpected decision. A coworker behaves unexpectedly. Plans change. Technology stops working. Something breaks. The weather changes. These ordinary experiences reveal whether the mind can remain stable when life does not proceed according to its preferences.

Each smaller circumstance becomes training for larger circumstances. Right Mindfulness recognizes the unsteadiness. Right Effort cuts it off and lets it go and cultivates calmness and composure. Breathing Mindfulness Meditation strengthens the mind’s ability to remain steady. The Seven Factors of Enlightenment can also assist the Practitioner in bringing an overactive, restless mind toward balance through tranquility, concentration, and equanimity.

The second aspect of equanimity is treating everyone impartially.

The unEnlightened mind frequently measures and compares beings due to its conceit. It may categorize one person as more important and another as less important. It may treat people differently because of social status, wealth, appearance, occupation, nationality, education, personal relationship, or whether the individual behaves according to the mind’s desires.

Equanimity trains the mind away from this measuring and comparing.

This does not mean the Practitioner performs identical actions with every being. Different relationships involve different roles, activities, forms of participation, and circumstances. A parent interacts with a young child differently than with a coworker. A Teacher interacts differently with a Student than with someone who has not expressed an interest in learning. A person may share a home with a life partner but not with every other being. Equal treatment does not mean identical participation.

Instead, impartiality means that wholesome qualities are not reserved only for favored beings. Politeness, kindness, friendliness, respect, loving-kindness, compassion, and harmless conduct are not rewards that people earn by pleasing the Practitioner.

Imagine returning to the workplace after going out for lunch. If the Practitioner brings a special milkshake for one favored coworker while intentionally ignoring everyone else because that person is liked more, the situation can reveal partiality within the mind. If instead the Practitioner chooses to bring something to share with the group—perhaps a box of bagels—the conduct reflects a different mental orientation. The point is not that everyone needs to receive identical food. The example helps reveal the mind’s tendency to divide beings into categories of those who are favored and those who are not.

The deeper training is to eliminate the measuring and comparing of beings. The Eight Fold Path does not apply only to people the Practitioner likes. Right Speech remains Right Speech regardless of who is standing in front of you. Right Action remains Right Action. Loving-kindness remains loving-kindness. Compassion remains compassion. Equanimity allows these wholesome qualities to extend impartially.

The Buddha is not only helping a Practitioner eliminate discontentedness by eliminating craving/desire/attachment, but is also helping the Practitioner understand how to navigate life among unEnlightened beings. By treating everyone equally, there is less opportunity for an individual to have their cravings/desires/attachments triggered to experience envy or jealousy. When those feelings are experienced by an individual who has not penetrated into

The Four Noble Truths and does not understand that their own mind causes those painful feelings, they will attribute them to the Practitioner. Then, they will either push you away with aversion, become bitter, harsh, and hostile, or attempt to place expectations on you to pressure you into doing things their way.

By practicing equanimity and treating all beings impartially, the Practitioner provides less opportunity for the cravings/desires/attachments already present within another person’s mind to be triggered into envy or jealousy. This does not make the Practitioner responsible for the condition of another person’s mind, nor can it guarantee how another being will respond. However, impartial treatment removes an unnecessary source of disharmony and helps create conditions that are more supportive of harmonious relationships.

The Four Healthy Mental States Working Together

Although we can study loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity separately, daily life frequently provides circumstances in which several or all four qualities are relevant at the same time.

Imagine someone close to the Practitioner is going through a difficult circumstance. Loving-kindness maintains a genuine interest in seeing that person be well. Compassion recognizes and has concern for the misfortune being experienced. Equanimity keeps the mind calm and composed rather than becoming worried, anxious, or shaken. Wisdom can then determine whether some action is appropriate or even possible.

If the person’s circumstances improve, sympathetic joy allows the Practitioner to have fond thoughts regarding their beneficial outcome while the mind continues residing with joy.

The same qualities can remain present even if the relationship itself changes.

Perhaps two people determine that continuing a friendship, business relationship, or life partnership is no longer wise. The Practitioner does not need to abandon loving-kindness merely because participation ends. If the other person experiences misfortune later, compassion can remain. If they later become successful, sympathetic joy can remain. Throughout the changing circumstances, equanimity helps the mind remain calm, composed, and impartial.

This is one of the ways the Practitioner begins to experience increasingly harmonious relationships without requiring everyone else to change first. The training occurs within one’s own mind.

Other beings will continue making their own decisions. Some will behave wholesomely and others will behave unwholesomely. Some will agree with the Practitioner and some will disagree. Some relationships will continue for decades while others will end. Some people will experience success. Others will experience misfortune. Some circumstances will be pleasant and some will be extremely difficult.

The Practitioner cannot control these conditions.

What can be trained is the mind that encounters them.

Through Right Mindfulness, the Practitioner recognizes when anger, hatred, ill will, indifference, worry, anxiety, envy, jealousy, restlessness, instability, partiality, or other unwholesome mental activity is present. Through Right Effort, the Practitioner cuts off and lets go of that unwholesome mental activity while cultivating and maintaining loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity. Meditation, The Seven Factors of Enlightenment, Analysis of The Mind, and the remainder of The Eight Fold Path assist in strengthening the mind so that these qualities become increasingly natural and permeate the mind.

Over months and years of diligent practice, the mind changes. Situations during which hours of anger once arose may eventually be experienced with only moments of irritation before mindfulness recognizes what is occurring. Circumstances during which days of worry once arose may become opportunities to practice compassion and equanimity. Another person’s success that once revealed jealousy within the mind may later be met with genuine sympathetic joy. A person who once would have been judged harshly may eventually be met with loving-kindness.

This transformation does not occur because other beings have finally learned to behave according to the Practitioner’s desires. It occurs because the Practitioner has trained the mind.

That is the work of The Path to Enlightenment.

Harmony in relationships is not created by constructing a life in which nothing challenging ever happens. Such a life is impossible because all conditioned things are impermanent. Harmony develops as the mind becomes increasingly capable of encountering changing beings and changing circumstances through wisdom, wholesome intentions, wise communication, and harmless actions while maintaining a peaceful, calm, serene, and content mind with joy.

The Four Healthy Mental States provide an essential foundation for accomplishing this goal.

The next area of training is how these wholesome qualities are expressed through communication. A Practitioner may possess genuine loving-kindness and compassion yet still need to develop the skills necessary to communicate wisely with other beings. The next chapter will therefore examine Wise Communication: Speaking Without Creating Disharmony and how the condition of the mind influences the words we choose to speak.