The Mind of Disharmony: Anger, Irritation, Resentment, and Ill Will

In the previous chapters, we have explored how relationships provide an extraordinary opportunity for a Practitioner to observe the condition of their own mind. Other beings will make decisions differently than we do. They will speak differently, behave differently, possess different types of wisdom, understand circumstances differently, and choose actions that we might not choose for ourselves. None of this is unusual. Two beings are living two different lives, possessing two different minds, influenced by different experiences, knowledge, conditioning, and types of wisdom. The difficulty begins when the unEnlightened mind does not merely recognize these differences but develops craving/desire/attachment for another being to think, speak, decide, or behave according to its own expectations. When reality does not correspond with that craving, conditioned painful feelings can arise in the form of anger, frustration, irritation, annoyance, bitterness, resentment, hatred, ill will, or other related states. The relationship then provides the Practitioner with a very important opportunity to see something occurring within their own mind that still needs to be understood and eliminated.

The purpose of this chapter is not to create a technical classification for every degree of anger or distinguish precisely where irritation becomes frustration, where frustration becomes anger, or where anger becomes resentment or hatred. These are related indications of an unEnlightened mind experiencing conditioned painful feelings while craving/desire/attachment remains present. The more useful question for the Practitioner is: What does the unEnlightened mind commonly do when these painful states arise, and how can the Practitioner recognize those patterns before they produce further unwholesome intentions, speech, actions, and results? This question moves the Practitioner away from merely naming an unpleasant mental state and toward understanding how that state influences conduct within relationships.

When the Mind Does Not Understand the Cause

The Four Noble Truths provide the essential understanding that allows the Practitioner to approach anger wisely. The Second Noble Truth explains that discontentedness is caused by craving/desire/attachment. The problem is therefore not merely that another person said something disagreeable, made an unexpected decision, failed to behave according to our preference, disagreed with our opinion, or did something we would not have done ourselves. Those circumstances may provide the conditions through which the mind becomes aware of its remaining craving, but the craving within one’s own mind is producing the discontentedness. This distinction is extraordinarily important because if the Practitioner misunderstands the cause, the Practitioner will naturally apply effort toward the wrong solution.

An unEnlightened mind affected by ignorance, the unknowing of true reality, does not clearly understand what is producing its own painful feelings. It looks outward and concludes that the person, circumstance, conversation, disagreement, or event is the problem. Once the mind thinks the problem exists outside itself, it begins trying to solve the problem outside itself. Rather than asking, “What craving/desire/attachment exists within my own mind that is producing this discontentedness?” the mind begins asking, “How do I get this person to change?” “How do I make this situation stop?” “How do I make this person understand?” “How do I get them to do what I think they should do?” or “How do I get away from this person so I do not have to experience these feelings anymore?” This outward search for the cause and solution is one of the primary ways ignorance continues to sustain anger and disharmony.

This relationship between craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality) is shared in The Words of The Buddha, Volume 1 - Chapter 8, “Transforming The Three Poisons: Craving, Anger, and Ignorance”. Anger, hatred, hostility, aggression, aversion, resentment, and ill will are presented as interconnected symptoms of an unwholesome condition of mind, while ignorance is described as the mind’s misunderstanding of true reality, including its failure to understand that it causes its own discontentedness. The chapter further explains that the unEnlightened mind can falsely attribute its painful feelings to another person and then push that person away, thinking this will solve the problem. This is highly significant to understand in relationships because the mind can sincerely think it is protecting itself or solving a problem while it is actually preserving the craving that produced the discontentedness in the first place.

Three Common Responses of the unEnlightened Mind

When anger, irritation, frustration, annoyance, resentment, hatred, or ill will arise and the mind does not understand their underlying cause, there are three common responses that can be observed repeatedly in relationships. The first is aversion, where the mind attempts to push away the person or circumstance it mistakenly thinks is causing the painful feeling. The second is becoming bitter, harsh, or hostile through intentions, speech, and actions, attempting to make another being fearful, uncomfortable, intimidated, or pressured so that they will behave according to the mind’s desires. The third is attempting to place expectations on another person to conduct themselves according to what the unEnlightened mind wants, where the mind develops conditions regarding how another being should speak, act, decide, or participate in the relationship, and may then apply pressure or become forceful in an attempt to get the other person to conform so that the Practitioner can avoid experiencing the discontentedness that arises when their cravings are not satisfied. These three responses may appear different on the surface, but they are all attempts to rearrange the external world rather than eliminate the internal cause of the discontentedness.

Aversion: Pushing the Person or Situation Away

Aversion occurs when the mind experiences conditioned painful feelings, incorrectly attributes those feelings to an external person or circumstance, and then attempts to solve the discomfort by pushing that person or circumstance away. The mind reasons that if the person were no longer present, if the conversation stopped, if the friendship ended, if the family member were avoided, if the coworker disappeared from one’s daily experience, or if the uncomfortable circumstance could simply be removed, then the painful feelings would also disappear. Temporarily, this may even appear to work because the circumstance in which the craving became apparent is no longer present and the discontentedness may subside. But the craving itself has not necessarily been eliminated. The mind has merely changed the external circumstances around an internal problem.

This provides the Practitioner with a useful way to independently investigate aversion. Suppose a person becomes angry with a friend because the friend repeatedly makes decisions differently than they would expect. The person concludes that the friend is the cause of the anger and ends the friendship. If the friend were truly the cause of the anger, then once the friend was removed from the person’s life, anger should be permanently eliminated. But that does not happen. Eventually another person disagrees with them, another coworker behaves unexpectedly, another family member makes an unwanted decision, another driver behaves inconsiderately, or another circumstance does not develop according to the mind’s desires, and anger arises again. The individual may continue removing people and circumstances from life while never recognizing that the same unaddressed craving is simply being activated under different conditions.

The Words of The Buddha describes this exact pattern when explaining aversion: painful feelings caused by one’s own cravings/desires/attachments are falsely attributed to another person, the person is pushed away with the thought that doing so will solve the problem, and anger, frustration, irritation, or annoyance accompanies the process. The practical importance of this Teaching is not that a Practitioner should remain involved in every relationship or circumstance. Participation in relationships is always a decision, and wisdom may determine that participation should change or end. A change in participation may take the form of ending a friendship, leaving employment, ending a life partnership, discontinuing a business relationship, moving away from a circumstance, or protecting the physical body from harm. The important distinction is that changing one’s participation is not the same as thinking that removing an external person will eliminate the anger within one’s own mind.

Aversion and Wisely Leaving a Relationship

It is important to understand the difference between aversion and wisely deciding to leave a relationship because, from the outside looking in, the two actions may appear exactly the same. In both situations, the relationship may end. The two people may no longer communicate, spend time together, live together, work together, or participate in one another’s lives. An outside observer therefore cannot determine merely by looking at the external action whether the decision was produced by aversion or wisdom. The difference is found within the condition of the Practitioner’s mind and the reason the decision is being made.

Aversion occurs when the mind is experiencing conditioned painful feelings and thinks that removing the other person will solve those feelings. The mind thinks, in effect, “This person is causing my anger, irritation, frustration, or discontentedness, so if I get rid of this person, I will feel better”. The decision to leave is then being used as an attempt to remove an internal painful feeling by changing an external circumstance. The craving/desire/attachment causing the discontentedness has not been eliminated. The person has simply removed the circumstance that was revealing the craving.

A wise decision to leave a relationship is different. The Practitioner can recognize that the other being is not causing their discontentedness with Right View while still determining that continued participation in the relationship is not wise or wholesome. The Practitioner may observe repeated harmful conduct, incompatible circumstances, persistent unwholesome participation, or some other condition that wisdom determines no longer warrants continued involvement. Where wisdom determines that continued involvement is no longer wise, participation may be ended or changed peacefully without anger, resentment, hatred, hostility, or a desire to punish the other person. The decision is not being made in an attempt to eliminate discontentedness by removing the other being. It is simply a wise decision regarding the Practitioner’s own participation.

This is why two people can perform the same outward action while the mental condition behind the action is entirely different. One person may leave while angry, resentful, and convinced that the other person is the cause of their painful feelings. Another person may leave peacefully, understand that their own craving is the cause of any discontentedness arising within their mind, genuinely remain interested in the other person’s well-being with loving-kindness, and simply determine that continuing the relationship is not wise. The relationship ends in both cases, but only the first decision is rooted in aversion.

A useful question for the Practitioner is therefore not merely, “Am I leaving this relationship?” The more important question is, “Why is my mind deciding to leave?” If the mind is attempting to escape its own conditioned painful feelings by removing the person it blames for those feelings, aversion is present. If the mind is peaceful and wisdom determines that changing or ending participation is appropriate, the decision can be made without aversion. The external action does not determine whether the decision is wholesome or unwholesome. The condition of the mind, the intention behind the decision, and the wisdom guiding the action are what need to be examined.

The Practitioner therefore needs to objectively examine the condition of their own mind because the pollutions of the unEnlightened mind can cause a person to think that a decision is being made through wisdom when aversion is actually present. The mind may construct convincing reasons for leaving while anger, resentment, irritation, or the desire to escape conditioned painful feelings remains underneath the decision. To maintain Right View, the Practitioner needs to look beyond the justification being created by the mind and determine whether craving/desire/attachment and aversion are actually present. A decision should not be considered wise merely because the mind can provide reasons for making it.

Wisdom allows the Practitioner to discern the difference. When the mind is peaceful, free from anger, resentment, hatred, hostility, and the desire to escape its own conditioned painful feelings, the Practitioner is in a far better position to determine whether changing or ending participation in the relationship is wise. The outward result may still be that the relationship ends, but the internal process leading to that decision is fundamentally different.

Bitter, Harsh, and Hostile Conduct

The second common response occurs when the unEnlightened mind attempts to make another being conform through bitterness, harshness, hostility, intimidation, or aggression. An animal that feels threatened may growl, roar, expose its teeth, enlarge its posture, or behave aggressively in an attempt to make another being retreat. Human beings can display a more sophisticated version of the same pattern through intentions, speech, and actions. The voice becomes louder. Words become sharper. The person repeats themselves more forcefully. Criticism increases. Threats may appear. The person may withdraw friendliness, use sarcasm, humiliate, accuse, intimidate, or communicate in ways intended to make the other person uncomfortable enough to comply. The outer form may vary considerably, but the underlying message is frequently the same: “Do what I desire you to do so that I do not have to experience these painful feelings”.

When observed carefully, this behavior reveals something extremely important about anger. The angry mind often thinks it is solving a disagreement, correcting another person’s behavior, establishing that it is right, or forcing an important issue to be recognized. But beneath the behavior, craving/desire/attachment is attempting to arrange reality according to the mind’s desires. The person is not merely sharing information. They are becoming disturbed because another being remains the decision-maker within their own life and is deciding differently. This is why harshness can intensify when the other person refuses to comply. If the purpose were simply to communicate useful information, the communication could remain calm. But when craving becomes involved, communication can gradually transform into an attempt to pressure another being until the desired external result occurs.

The Buddha directly connected craving with conflict in a Teaching found in The Words of The Buddha, Volume 8 - Chapter 6, “Nine Things Rooted in Craving”. He describes a progression rooted in craving that ultimately gives rise to fights, contentions, disputes, accusations, argumentative speech, false speech, and other unwholesome conduct. This Teaching is particularly useful in relationships because it demonstrates that arguments and hostile conduct do not simply appear without conditions. Craving can progress through the mind and eventually influence speech and behavior. When the Practitioner recognizes this relationship, the presence of argumentative, aggressive, accusatory, or hostile conduct can become a warning that the mind needs to turn inward rather than intensify its attempt to change the other being.

Expectations: Attempting to Arrange the Relationship

The third common response is to develop expectations for the other being. Expectations are craving/desire/attachment because the mind is mentally establishing how another person should behave and then making its own happiness dependent upon whether that person fulfills those conditions. The expectation may concern communication, affection, attention, agreement, financial decisions, parenting, household tasks, friendship, family relationships, work, religious practice, or virtually any other area of human interaction. The mind establishes an internal agreement that the other person may never have actually accepted: “You should speak to me this way”. “You should make this decision”. “You should respond when I contact you”. “You should understand what I mean”. “You should support this”. “You should not disagree with me”. “You should recognize how much I have done”. “You should behave differently because we are family”. Once these conditions are established, the other person’s ordinary freedom to decide becomes a repeated opportunity for discontentedness when the expectation is not fulfilled.

We explored expectations in detail earlier in this book, so there is no need to reteach that entire subject here. What is important in relation to anger is recognizing that expectations can function as an attempt to prevent future discontentedness. The mind thinks that if everyone can simply be taught, persuaded, pressured, or conditioned to behave according to its expectations, then it will no longer be irritated, frustrated, disappointed, or angry. Instead of eliminating the craving, the mind attempts to create an environment in which reality fulfills the craving. This is an impossible project because every other being remains the decision-maker of their own life.

The Protected Bubble

The unEnlightened mind is essentially attempting to construct a protected bubble in which everyone and everything functions according to its “desires”.

This protected bubble brings the three patterns together. People who do not behave according to the mind’s desires may be pushed away through aversion. People who remain present but do not conform may encounter bitterness, harshness, hostility, intimidation, criticism, or argument. Expectations may then be constructed in an attempt to establish rules for how people should behave so that the mind does not need to experience its cravings being triggered. The mind can become increasingly occupied with arranging people and circumstances rather than training itself. It attempts to create peace by controlling conditions when the actual solution is to cultivate a mind that can remain peaceful regardless of whether impermanent external circumstances correspond with its desires.

There is only one person in the world who does things your way 100% of the time. Do you know who that person is? You. Every other being will eventually think differently, speak differently, understand differently, make a different decision, possess different knowledge, or behave in a way you would not have chosen for yourself. Even people who share extraordinary compatibility will not correspond perfectly with each other’s desires at all times. Parents and children will differ. Life partners will differ. Friends will differ. Teachers and Students will differ. Coworkers will differ. Two highly developed Practitioners can still possess different information or make different decisions regarding a particular circumstance. Two Enlightened beings could approach a challenge and implement two completely different solutions that both work.

Therefore, if the mind can only remain peaceful and joyful when other beings do things its way, the mind has created a life in which it can only reliably remain peaceful when interacting with itself. Even with that, an unEnlightened being will oftentimes find that challenging as well.

Everyone else will eventually do something differently.

This is why continuing to push people away, become harsh through intentions, speech, and actions, and establish expectations for others can never produce completely harmonious relationships. The strategy is based on an impossible requirement: that impermanent, independent beings continually conform to the desires of another mind. Essentially, the unEnlightened mind wants everyone to do things one specific way, because it is craving permanence. The way it wants people to do things is “my way”.

The bubble that the unEnlightened mind is trying to create is that everyone does things one specific way, and the mind’s ego thinks that “my way” is the “right way”. This is a false and impossible reality which will only lead to constant disharmony in relationships and in life.

Do Not Allow the Mind to Dwell in Anger

Recognizing anger is important, but recognition alone is not the complete training. Once the Practitioner becomes aware that anger, irritation, resentment, hatred, or ill will has arisen, the mind should not be permitted to settle into that state and dwell there. A person can become angry for a few moments and then spend the next several hours mentally replaying the event. They can rehearse what the other person said, imagine what they should have said in response, develop arguments that never occurred, tell the story repeatedly to other people, search for evidence proving that the other person was wrong, imagine future confrontations, and continue strengthening the painful condition of mind long after the original circumstance ended. The external event may have lasted five minutes, but the untrained mind can recreate the anger for five hours, five days, five months, or much longer.

This is where The Buddha’s guidance becomes particularly practical. In The Words of The Buddha, Volume 9 - Chapter 33, “Taints To Be Abandoned By Removing”, The Buddha explains:

“What taints, Monks, should be abandoned by removing?

Here a Monk, reflecting wisely, does not tolerate an arisen thought of sensual desire; he abandons it, removes it, does away with it, and obliterates it.

He does not tolerate an arisen thought of ill will…thought of cruelty...evil unwholesome states: he abandons them, removes them, does away with them, and obliterates them”. (Reference: MN 2)

This is significantly different from merely observing anger while allowing the mind to remain immersed in it. The Buddha’s Teaching is active. The unwholesome state is noticed so that it can be abandoned, removed, and eliminated. The Practitioner is not training the mind to become highly skilled at remaining angry with awareness. The Practitioner is training the mind to recognize unwholesomeness and eliminate it. The longer unwholesome qualities are permitted to remain, the more they influence the condition of the mind. This directly supports why the Practitioner should develop the ability to notice the bodily sensations associated with arising discontentedness early, before anger becomes established in the mind, rather than allowing the mind to spend long periods dwelling within it.

The Buddha develops this understanding further in The Words of The Buddha, Volume 9 - Chapter 36, “By Way of Right Intention”, based on MN 19. There he explains that whatever a person frequently thinks and reflects upon becomes the disposition of the mind. When thoughts of ill will are continually entertained, the mind leans toward ill will. When ill will is abandoned and non-ill-will is cultivated, the mind begins leaning in the opposite direction. In modern language, we might say that the mind continues to become wired according to the patterns it repeatedly practices. If anger is repeatedly produced, maintained, rehearsed, justified, and revisited, the mind becomes increasingly familiar with functioning through anger. If anger is noticed, cut off, and let go while wholesome qualities are produced and maintained, the mind is gradually transformed in another direction.

This is why the purpose of The Eight Fold Path is not merely to help a person behave slightly better while continuing to possess the same deeply conditioned mind. The Path to Enlightenment provides a comprehensive system of training through which the mind itself can be transformed. Right View develops understanding. Right Intention establishes wholesome direction. Right Speech, Right Action, and Right Livelihood guide conduct. Right Effort trains the Practitioner to prevent and abandon unwholesome qualities while producing and maintaining wholesome qualities. Right Mindfulness develops awareness of what is occurring within the mind. Right Concentration strengthens the mind’s ability to remain steady and focused. These Teachings work together. Through gradual training, gradual practice, and gradual progress, the Practitioner becomes increasingly capable of noticing the arising anger and applying the appropriate effort before the mind spends significant time dwelling in it.

If the Practitioner does not yet possess sufficient mindfulness to notice anger as it is arising, the mind may continue dwelling there without interruption. The longer this occurs, the greater the opportunity for the anger to influence intentions, speech, and actions. A thought of irritation becomes a critical comment. The critical comment becomes an argument. The argument develops into hostility. Hostility becomes resentment. The event is remembered repeatedly and eventually affects future interactions with the person. The Practitioner begins interpreting neutral conduct through the lens of previous anger. A relationship can then become organized around an unwholesome mental pattern that was never interrupted and eliminated. Disharmony does not merely result from the original disagreement; it is being continually recreated by a mind that remains conditioned toward anger.

The Three Patterns as Warning Signs

This understanding gives the Practitioner a very practical way to recognize what is happening in real time. The Practitioner does not need to wait until the mind has developed intense hatred before recognizing that something unwholesome is occurring. The three behaviors themselves can become warning signs. When the Practitioner notices an urge to push the person away because of painful feelings, that can indicate aversion. When the voice becomes harder, the language becomes sharper, criticism is produced, or the mind develops an interest in the other being becoming fearful or uncomfortable so that they will comply, bitterness and hostility are developing. When the mind starts creating rules for how the other person should behave so that the Practitioner can remain happy, expectations are being established.

At that moment, the Practitioner can understand, in effect: I know what the unEnlightened mind is attempting to do. I also know that this will not eliminate the cause of the problem or produce harmonious relationships. That recognition itself represents significant progress. Before learning The Teachings of The Buddha, the person may have thought that pushing someone away, arguing more forcefully, or establishing stronger expectations was the solution. Sometimes people even refer to these expectations as boundaries and think of them as a helpful way to manage relationships. Once wisdom begins developing, the same behaviors become evidence that the mind is moving in an unwholesome direction. The circumstance has not necessarily changed, but the Practitioner’s understanding of what is occurring has changed profoundly.

The underlying process can then be recognized more clearly:

Ignorance (unknowing of true reality) -> craving/desire/attachment -> anger/hatred/ill will and related conditioned painful states -> unwholesome intentions, speech, and actions -> unwholesome results (i.e. unwholesome Kamma).

This sequence is useful not because every moment of human experience needs to be mechanically reduced to a formula, but because it helps the Practitioner stop blaming the other being and look toward the part of the process they can actually transform: their own mind and conduct. The other person remains responsible for their decisions and results. Their Life -> Their Decisions -> Their Results. The Practitioner’s life follows the same natural law. The Practitioner therefore concentrates on understanding and transforming their own mind rather than attempting to use anger as a tool for managing someone else’s.

Before, While Doing, and After the Action

Chapter 11 of this book introduced The Buddha’s guidance to reflect upon conduct before performing an action, while performing the action, and after the action has occurred. This Teaching appears in The Words of The Buddha, Volume 8 - Chapter 27, “Reflect Upon the Consequences of Actions”, based on MN 61. The Buddha guides the Practitioner to consider whether bodily, verbal, and mental conduct will lead to harm and unwholesome results; if harmful conduct is recognized prior to being performed, it should not be performed; while it is occurring, it should be suspended; afterward, the Practitioner reflects upon what occurred and develops restraint for the future. Chapter 12 of this book can now apply that Teaching specifically to anger and the three patterns we have identified.

Prior to an action, the Practitioner may already notice that the mind is preparing to push someone away, speak harshly, intimidate, argue, accuse, establish an expectation, or otherwise act from anger. This is an opportunity to recognize the source before the conduct occurs. If the mind is experiencing conditioned painful feelings and the intended action is rooted in craving/desire/attachment, anger, hatred, or ill will, the Practitioner can understand that proceeding will produce unwholesome results (i.e. unwholesome Kamma). The wisest decision is simply not to perform the action. The Practitioner does not need to send the angry message, make the hostile telephone call, deliver the criticism, issue the threat, or continue the confrontation merely because the mind has produced an impulse to do so. A wise Practitioner can restrain the mind, understanding that this is the best decision and will produce wholesome results (i.e. wholesome Kamma).

While doing an action, the Practitioner may begin speaking calmly but then notice the conversation changing. The voice becomes louder. The body tightens. The same point is repeated. The other person’s disagreement begins to feel increasingly unacceptable. The mind becomes focused on pressuring them to understand or forcing them to acknowledge something. At this stage, Right Mindfulness can notice the change, and Right Effort can cut off and let go of the unwholesome conduct. The Practitioner does not need to finish the argument. There is no requirement to complete an unwholesome action simply because it has already begun. If wisdom recognizes that the direction has become unwholesome, the action can stop, thus limiting the production of unwholesome Kamma by making a wise decision to restrain the mind.

After an action, perhaps mindfulness was not sufficiently developed to recognize what was occurring until the conversation had ended. This does not make the experience useless. The Practitioner can reflect. Was I trying to push the person away because I attributed my painful feelings to them? Did my speech become bitter, harsh, intimidating, or hostile because I was attempting to make them behave according to my desires? Did I establish an expectation and then become angry because they did not fulfill it? What craving/desire/attachment was present? What did the mind desire reality to be that reality was not? This reflection allows previous unwholesome conduct to become material for developing future wisdom.

A Relationship Example

Consider two family members discussing a significant decision. One has carefully considered the situation and thinks a particular course of action will produce the most beneficial result. The other listens but decides differently. At first, the first person may simply share information: “Based on what I understand, I think this decision may produce these results”. There is nothing inherently unwholesome about sharing information or explaining likely consequences when there is an open door to share. But once the other person chooses differently, a conditioned painful feeling arises. The mind now begins to change. Instead of accepting that the other being remains the decision-maker, the person repeats the same guidance with greater intensity. The repetition becomes criticism. The criticism becomes accusation: “You never listen”. Then an expectation appears: “If you respected me, you would do this”. When the other person still does not comply, aversion develops: “Fine. Do whatever you want. I am finished trying to help you”. The person leaves angry and spends the remainder of the day mentally replaying the conversation.

Within a single interaction, all three patterns have appeared. First, there was an attempt to change the person through increasingly harsh speech. Second, expectations were imposed regarding how the person should respond to the guidance. Third, when those strategies failed, the mind pushed the other person away. The entire sequence may be justified internally as concern or care, yet the conditioned painful feelings reveal that craving/desire/attachment became involved. Genuine care may indeed have been present, but care became tainted with craving for a particular outcome.

A Practitioner who has developed greater mindfulness may recognize the process much earlier. The family member shares the information once, perhaps answers questions, and then notices the mind becoming disturbed when the other person decides differently. That disturbance becomes the Red Light. The Practitioner recognizes: The other being has made their decision. The painful feeling arising in my mind is now showing me that craving/desire/attachment is present. Rather than repeating the advice more forcefully, the Practitioner stops. Once the conditioned feeling has been eliminated through “cutting it off and letting it go”, an Analysis of The Mind can identify what the mind was craving. Perhaps the Practitioner was attached to being listened to, to being viewed as wise, to protecting the other person from an unpleasant result, to avoiding future inconvenience, or simply to having the situation unfold according to their preference.

The Practitioner can then develop a training plan directed toward the actual problem. The goal is no longer to perfect the other person’s behavior. The goal is to eliminate the craving that prevented the mind from remaining peaceful when another being chose differently. This does not mean the Practitioner loses discernment regarding the likely consequences of the decision. Wisdom can still recognize that another person’s decision is unwise. Wisdom can still explain foreseeable results when guidance is appropriate. Wisdom can still make decisions regarding one’s own participation. But the Practitioner no longer needs anger, hostility, intimidation, resentment, or expectations in order to recognize what is wise.

Harm Does Not Require Hatred

This distinction becomes particularly important when another being actually causes harm. Eliminating anger does not mean failing to recognize harmful conduct, permitting harm to continue unnecessarily, or remaining physically present in dangerous circumstances. Harm is an injury caused by one being to another being or group of beings, including harm to the physical body, material possessions, reputation, etc. Another being can therefore cause harm through their decisions and actions. But that does not mean the other being causes the Practitioner’s discontentedness. These are two different processes that need to be understood separately.

The Buddha provides an exceptionally strong example in The Words of The Buddha, Volume 8 - Chapter 15, “With an Unaffected Mind Residing Compassionate”. He teaches that even if another person speaks critically or physically attacks the Practitioner, the training is for the mind to remain unaffected, speak no evil words, reside compassionate for the person’s welfare, maintain loving-kindness, and remain without inner hate. This is not a Teaching that the physical body should remain in danger. The same chapter explains that one may leave an attack, protect the body, defend oneself where necessary, and use as little harm as possible while securing safety. The important point for relationships is that wise protective action and inner hatred are not the same thing.

A Practitioner could therefore leave a harmful circumstance without aversion. They are able to stop participating in a harmful relationship without hatred. They could contact appropriate authorities without resentment. They could protect a child, defend the physical body, discontinue financial involvement, refuse continued participation, or communicate that certain conduct will result in a change to their own participation. None of these decisions require the mind to maintain anger or ill will. Wisdom determines the action while Right Effort works to eliminate the unwholesome mental state.

Harmony Requires Training the Mind, Not Training Everyone Else

The significance of eliminating ill will becomes especially clear in another discourse contained in The Words of The Buddha, Volume 3 - Chapter 27, “Harmoniously Without Disputes”. The Buddha describes Practitioners residing “harmoniously, without disputes, blending like milk and water, viewing each other with eyes of affection”. He explains that they have abandoned sensual thoughts, thoughts of ill will, and thoughts of harming while cultivating renunciation, good will, and harmlessness.

Notice what is absent from this Teaching. The Buddha does not say harmony is produced when everyone has identical personalities. He does not say harmony requires every person to make the same decisions. He does not say harmony occurs because no one ever disagrees. Instead, he directs attention toward the qualities present or absent within the mind. Ill will and thoughts of harming are abandoned. Good will and harmlessness are cultivated. This is consistent with everything we have explored throughout this book: harmony begins with the training of the decision-maker’s own mind.

This also explains why disagreement and disharmony are not the same thing. Two beings can see a circumstance differently while both remain peaceful. Two people can make different decisions while speaking politely, kindly, friendly, and respectfully. Two Practitioners can possess different information and discuss their respective understanding without either becoming hostile. There are countless examples of this in the original Teachings of The Buddha. The difficulty begins when the mind develops craving for agreement and then produces anger because agreement does not occur. The disagreement is merely the circumstance. The craving and resulting discontentedness are occurring within the mind.

Disharmony is going to occur in relationships while in the unEnlightened state because the mind is still being trained. There will be times when mindfulness is insufficient, craving remains unnoticed, anger arises, and unwholesome conduct occurs. The objective is not to become discouraged by discovering that the mind still contains anger. Discovering anger provides useful information. The Practitioner has found something that still needs to be eliminated. The more skillfully the Practitioner recognizes these moments, reflects upon them, develops a plan, and applies The Teachings, the more the mind can gradually be transformed, ultimately eliminating discontentedness and attaining the mental state of Enlightenment.

The Better Way of Life

The unEnlightened mind commonly attempts to solve anger by rearranging the world. Remove this person. Change that person. Make this person listen. Force that person to understand. Establish these expectations. Create these conditions. Avoid anyone who triggers discomfort. Become forceful enough that people stop interfering with the mind’s desires. But even if this strategy were partially successful, it could never provide permanent peace because external circumstances are impermanent and other beings remain the decision-makers within their own lives.

The Buddha taught a better way of life. Rather than spending one’s lifetime attempting to construct a protected bubble, the Practitioner trains the mind so that the bubble is no longer needed. Instead of attempting to guarantee that no one ever triggers anger, the Practitioner eliminates the craving/desire/attachment that produces the anger. Instead of becoming increasingly skilled at arguing, the Practitioner becomes increasingly skilled at noticing the arising unwholesome state and cutting it off. Instead of repeatedly pushing people away, the Practitioner learns to distinguish wise decisions regarding participation from aversion. Instead of requiring agreement, the Practitioner develops the ability to peacefully coexist with beings who think differently. Instead of allowing the mind to dwell in resentment, the Practitioner removes the unwholesome quality before it becomes deeply established.

This is why the goal cannot be described as “anger management”. Management can imply that anger remains permanently present and the person simply learns to contain its outward expression. The Path to Enlightenment offers something far more transformative. The Practitioner is gradually training the mind to eliminate the underlying causes so that anger, hatred, and ill will arise less frequently, with less intensity, and for shorter periods as progress is made. Ultimately, the Enlightened mind has completely eliminated the conditions that produce these unwholesome states so that anger no longer exists in the mind and it is impossible for anger to arise.

This transformation occurs gradually. The Practitioner may first notice anger only after an argument. Later, they notice it while speaking harshly. With continued practice, they recognize it before the harsh words are spoken. Eventually, mindfulness becomes sufficiently developed that the bodily sensations associated with arising discontentedness are recognized early and Right Effort is applied before the mental state becomes deeply established. The mind that once spent hours dwelling in anger may eventually spend minutes there, then moments, and through continued purification reach the point where the underlying craving has been eliminated and the anger no longer arises from that condition.

This is how relationships become part of The Path to Enlightenment rather than obstacles to it. Every disagreement, unexpected decision, changed circumstance, and interaction with another being has the potential to reveal where the mind remains attached. The Practitioner does not need to fear these discoveries. They are valuable. The Red Light is showing where attention is needed. The mind can then apply the training already learned throughout this book and through The Teachings of The Buddha detailed in The Words of The Buddha book series.

Harmony in relationships is the ability to interact with other beings through wisdom, wholesome intentions, wise communication, and harmless actions while maintaining a peaceful, calm, serene, and content mind with joy. Anger, resentment, hatred, and ill will interfere with that harmony not because every relationship will always proceed pleasantly, but because these unwholesome qualities influence the mind’s intentions, speech, and actions. As the Practitioner learns to recognize and eliminate them, the mind becomes increasingly capable of remaining peaceful with beings who behave differently, think differently, decide differently, and live differently.

There will always be beings who do not do things your way. There will always be circumstances that do not unfold according to the mind’s desires. The solution is not to make the world conform. The solution is to train and transform the mind because you are the only person who will ever do things your way 100% of the time. So, bust the bubble and experience this better way of life.

The next chapter will explore the wholesome qualities that support this transformation through loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity.