True Love: Love Without Attachment

Chapter 4 of this book established that two beings can become extraordinarily close while remaining two individual beings. They can share a home, raise children, travel together, cooperate on important decisions, support one another through challenging circumstances, share many years of experiences, and build a meaningful life together without either person becoming an extension of the other. Each being continues experiencing life through their own mind, forming their own intentions, making their own decisions, and experiencing the results of those decisions. Understanding Their Life -> Their Decisions -> Their Results does not reduce closeness or care. Instead, it allows closeness to develop without possession and allows care to exist without attempting to control another being’s life.

This understanding naturally leads to another important investigation. If love does not mean possessing another person, keeping them permanently close, obtaining their agreement, requiring them to behave according to our expectations, or getting them to make the decisions we prefer, then what does it actually mean to love another being? This question becomes especially important because many of the experiences commonly described as “love” are not love at all. People speak about “falling in love”, “falling out of love”, “making love”, missing someone because they love them, grieving because they love them, becoming jealous because they love them, becoming angry because they care so much, or desperately wanting another person to remain because they cannot imagine life without them. These ideas are so deeply embedded within cultures and relationships that people may live their entire lives without carefully investigating whether the experiences they have been calling love are actually True Love.

If you are currently falling in love and out of love with people or think that love hurts, you are not yet understanding what True Love is.

True Love is something considerably different.

True Love is an unconditioned mental quality of a genuine interest in seeing all beings be well, without judging whether they deserve love and without wanting or expecting anything from them. True Love is not a feeling or emotion. When fully cultivated, True Love is always present and extends equally toward all beings. Because it is unconditional, it does not depend upon what another being says, does, provides, or becomes, and the mind contains no anger, frustration, irritation, annoyance, resentment,

hostility, bitterness, ill will, hatred, or even the slightest dislike toward any being.

Within The Teachings of The Buddha, this mental quality is loving-kindness. True Love and loving-kindness are therefore the same mental quality. Loving-kindness is not limited to selected people with whom the Practitioner has a close relationship. When fully cultivated, it extends equally toward all beings without judgment and without requiring any condition to be fulfilled first. The Practitioner does not decide who deserves love and who does not. The mental quality exists because it has been cultivated within the mind, not because another being has behaved in a particular way.

Because True Love is unconditional, it does not depend upon agreement, physical proximity, frequent communication, attention, sexual contact, affection, approval, shared interests, or the continuation of a relationship in the form the Practitioner prefers. These are changing circumstances that can exist within a relationship, but none of them creates True Love or determines whether True Love exists in the mind. Another being can change, disagree, move away, communicate less frequently, make decisions the Practitioner would not make, or no longer participate in the relationship as they once did while True Love remains present within the fully cultivated mind.

As the Practitioner understands and practices True Love, they will come to understand that it is not possible to “fall in love” and “out of love” with another being and that True Love does not cause conditioned painful feelings.

This understanding profoundly changes the way the Practitioner views love and relationships while making harmony in relationships possible to achieve.

Love Is Not a Feeling or Emotion

One of the most important misunderstandings regarding love is the belief that love is a feeling or emotion. People commonly attempt to recognize love according to what they feel when another person is present. Someone may experience excitement when a message arrives, happiness when a life partner comes home, exhilaration during the beginning of a relationship, comfort while sitting beside someone they care about, pleasure when receiving affection, or intense conditioned pleasant feelings during sexual contact. Because these experiences occur while interacting with someone who is important to them, the mind can easily conclude that the feelings themselves are love.

Yet all feelings are conditioned. A conditioned pleasant feeling arises because causes and conditions are present. As those causes and conditions change, the feeling changes, and eventually the feeling fades away. Excitement does not remain permanently. Sexual pleasure does not remain permanently. The conditioned pleasant feeling associated with receiving a message, hearing another person’s voice, traveling together, spending an enjoyable evening, receiving affection, or experiencing physical intimacy does not remain continuously throughout a relationship. These experiences arise, change, and fade away because they are conditioned and therefore impermanent.

True Love is fundamentally different because True Love is not one of these conditioned feelings. True Love is an unconditioned mental quality that, when fully cultivated, remains present regardless of whether another being is nearby or far away, agrees or disagrees, behaves wisely or unwisely, communicates frequently or infrequently, or participates in the relationship according to the Practitioner’s preferences. The circumstances surrounding a relationship can continually change because those circumstances are conditioned and impermanent, while the mental quality of True Love does not need those circumstances to remain a particular way in order to exist.

Conditioned feelings will arise, change, and fade away. True Love does not arise, change, or fade away. True Love is unconditional love, and therefore, it is permanent. Because there is no cause or condition that is producing True Love, there is nothing that can stop it from existing.

This distinction becomes especially important because the unEnlightened mind commonly measures love according to the intensity of conditioned feelings. A person may experience extremely strong attraction, excitement, longing, sexual pleasure, or happiness and conclude, “I feel so strongly about this person, therefore I must love them deeply”. Yet the intensity of a conditioned feeling does not measure the amount of True Love present within the mind. The intensity of the experience reveals the strength of craving/desire/attachment rather than love.

The Practitioner therefore learns to investigate the quality of the mind rather than merely the intensity of the feeling. A more useful question is not simply, “How strongly do I feel about this person?” but rather, “What mental qualities are actually present toward this being?” Is there genuine loving-kindness and a genuine interest in seeing the being well, or is the mind longing for the person to provide something, remain a certain way, behave according to expectations, or continually produce particular conditioned pleasant feelings? If affection disappears when expectations are not fulfilled, friendliness becomes hostility when agreement disappears, or kindness becomes bitterness when another person no longer provides what the mind wants, then that is craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations rather than fully cultivated True Love.

True Love may be present within the mind, but it can be tainted by craving/desire/attachment, wants, and expectations, which produce significant difficulties and struggles within the relationship.

This distinction also explains why conditioned feelings can gradually be eliminated while True Love becomes more fully developed. While the mind remains unEnlightened, conditioned pleasant feelings, conditioned painful feelings, and conditioned neither painful-nor-pleasant feelings continue to arise because their causes remain. As wisdom develops and craving/desire/attachment is gradually eliminated, the conditioned feelings supported by those causes are gradually eliminated as well. An Enlightened being does not experience conditioned feelings, yet True Love is fully cultivated. Therefore, the elimination of conditioned feelings cannot represent the elimination of love. True Love was never one of those feelings to begin with.

True Love and Loving-Kindness Are the Same Mental Quality

Loving-kindness is sometimes understood as though it were simply a meditation practice, while love is treated as something separate that occurs primarily within romantic relationships, families, or close friendships. This separation can create considerable confusion because it allows people to think that they practice loving-kindness toward people they do not know while possessing a different kind of love toward a life partner or child. True Love and loving-kindness are the same mental quality. Loving-kindness is a genuine interest in seeing all beings be well, without judging whether another being first deserves that quality from us.

The words all beings are essential. Fully cultivated True Love is not reserved only for a spouse, child, parent, friend, Teacher, Student, or person who behaves agreeably. The mind does not divide beings into categories of people who deserve love and people who do not. It does not maintain loving-kindness toward family members while preserving hatred toward people the Practitioner does not know, loving-kindness toward those who agree while developing hostility toward those who disagree, or loving-kindness toward people whose conduct is wise while retaining dislike toward people whose conduct is unwise.

This does not mean wisdom disappears or that all conduct is viewed as equally wholesome. A person may lie, steal, communicate harshly, behave selfishly, deceive others, or make decisions that produce harmful results, and wisdom can recognize those actions accurately. The Practitioner can understand that a particular decision is unwise without needing to hate the being who made it. The conduct can be recognized as unwholesome and unwise while the mind remains free from anger, irritation, hostility, resentment, or dislike toward the person.

This distinction is extremely important because the unEnlightened mind often moves very quickly from observing conduct to judging the being. Someone behaves unwisely, and the mind moves from “that action was unwise” to “I dislike that person”. Someone disagrees, and the mind moves from “we understand this differently” to “there is something wrong with that person”. Someone communicates harshly, and the mind thinks harshness in return is justified. In each circumstance, craving/desire/attachment within the Practitioner’s mind produces conditioned feelings because another being is not thinking, deciding, or behaving according to the Practitioner’s expectations. With wisdom, the Practitioner learns that other beings will make different choices and decisions, and that difference is normal.

Fully cultivated True Love does not function this way. Wisdom understands the conduct while True Love remains toward the being.

To accomplish this goal, the Practitioner needs to gradually eliminate the craving/desire/attachment, wants, and expectations that other beings think, choose, or behave according to the Practitioner’s way, while learning that the choices and decisions another being makes need to be separated from the being themselves. The Practitioner can develop True Love toward another person while completely disagreeing with that person’s decisions, because disagreement with conduct does not necessitate dislike toward the being. After all, there is only one person who could possibly do things the Practitioner’s way 100% of the time, and that is the Practitioner themselves. If love were dependent upon another person consistently thinking, deciding, and behaving according to the Practitioner’s way, then the Practitioner could never truly love anyone other than themselves. Even that would become difficult at times because the unEnlightened mind also places expectations upon itself. When those expectations are not met, the mind can direct anger, frustration, hostility, or dislike inward. True Love therefore cannot depend upon whether another being—or even the Practitioner themselves—meets the expectations created within the mind. Instead, the mind needs to eliminate 100% of all expectations so that the mind can practice True Love.

How Attachment Becomes Mistaken for Love

The confusion between True Love and attachment can be difficult to recognize because genuine loving-kindness and craving/desire/attachment can exist at the same time within the same unEnlightened mind. A person can genuinely love a life partner while craving the partner’s attention. A parent can genuinely possess loving-kindness toward an adult child while also craving for the child to make particular decisions. A friend can genuinely care for another friend while also expecting a certain amount of communication, companionship, or agreement. True Love can therefore be present while craving/desire/attachment is also present.

The presence of True Love does not transform the attachment into love.

The practice is not to eliminate the love. The practice is to identify and eliminate the craving/desire/attachment that has become mixed with loving-kindness so that True Love can become increasingly unobstructed within the relationship and expressed through wholesome intentions, wise communication, and harmless actions.

This distinction becomes especially important because craving/desire/attachment frequently produces conditioned pleasant feelings when the craving is being satisfied. The mind wants attention, and the other person provides attention. The mind wants communication, and messages arrive. The mind wants time together, and the person is available. The mind wants agreement, and the person agrees. The mind wants sexual contact, and sexual contact occurs. Because the circumstances correspond with what the mind wants, conditioned pleasant feelings arise, and the mind can begin associating those pleasant feelings with the person.

The person may then think, “You make me happy”, without understanding what is actually occurring. Another being is not placing happiness into the mind. The conditioned pleasant feelings are arising because craving/desire/attachment is present within the mind and because the external circumstance currently satisfies the craving/desire/attachment. When the circumstances later change and the craving is no longer satisfied, conditioned painful feelings arise, and the same person may conclude, “You are making me unhappy”.

The Practitioner who understands The Four Noble Truths learns to investigate more deeply. The other being did not create the love when circumstances were pleasant, and the other being did not destroy the love when circumstances became unpleasant. What changed were the causes and conditions surrounding craving/desire/attachment and the conditioned feelings being experienced by the unEnlightened mind.

How Culture Can Teach Attachment as Love

Many people form their understanding of love long before they ever carefully investigate the mind. Ideas about love are absorbed through family, culture, movies, television, books, social media, stories, and especially popular music. These influences repeatedly present particular experiences as evidence of love, and because those messages are received from childhood onward, people can develop a deeply conditioned understanding of love without ever independently determining whether that understanding is accurate. This can lead to a misunderstanding of what True Love actually is.

Love songs frequently portray longing, desperation, jealousy, fear of separation, dependence, possessiveness, and an inability to continue without another person as though these experiences demonstrate very deep love. A song may express an idea such as, “I am down on my knees, begging you please, do not leave me”. Another may communicate that without a particular person life has no meaning, or that the person cannot go on if the relationship ends. Because these expressions are repeatedly presented within songs called “love songs”, people can gradually learn to associate the intensity of craving/desire/attachment with the intensity of love.

Yet careful investigation reveals that the desperation is not True Love. The mind is not simply experiencing a genuine interest in seeing the other being well. The mind is saying, “I want you to remain because I want these circumstances to continue and cannot be happy unless I get what I want”. It may want continued proximity, continued affection, continued sexual contact, continued companionship, continued attention, or continued access to whatever pleasant experiences the relationship has been providing. The person may genuinely possess True Love toward the other being at the same time, but the desperate longing for the relationship to remain unchanged is craving/desire/attachment, which is producing the conditioned painful feelings. It is not True Love that is producing these feelings.

This misunderstanding can become particularly damaging because the person may begin using the intensity of discontentedness as a measurement of love. Someone may think, “I would be devastated if this person left, therefore I must love them enormously”. The mind may then hold even more tightly to the relationship, increasing craving/desire/attachment and producing even stronger conditioned painful feelings. Those stronger conditioned painful feelings can then be interpreted as evidence of even greater love, creating a cycle in which increasing attachment is continually mistaken for increasing love. Another may interpret jealousy as proof that the relationship matters. Someone may think that constantly missing another person demonstrates closeness, or that fear of separation demonstrates devotion. Yet these conditioned painful experiences do not measure True Love.

The intensity of discontentedness reveals the strength of craving/desire/attachment. It does not reveal the strength or amount of love.

Understanding this does not require criticizing people who experience these conditioned feelings or condemning music, movies, or stories. The purpose is simply to see clearly what is occurring within the mind so that craving/desire/attachment is no longer protected by giving it the wholesome name of love.

Sexual Contact Is Not Love

Another common misunderstanding is reflected in the expression “making love”. Sexual contact can occur between two beings who genuinely possess True Love toward each other, but the sexual activity itself is not the love. Sexual contact produces conditioned experiences within the body and mind, and the unEnlightened mind can experience strong conditioned pleasant feelings when sexual craving/desire/attachment is being satisfied.

This becomes especially confusing during the beginning of a romantic relationship. Attraction may be strong, excitement is present, sexual craving can be intense, and the people are experiencing new forms of physical intimacy with one another. The conditioned pleasant feelings arising through these experiences can be powerful. If the individuals do not understand the difference between True Love and conditioned feelings, they can begin interpreting the intensity of the sexual experience as evidence of the intensity of their love.

The relationship can then become measured according to something that is inevitably changing. Strong sexual stimulation becomes interpreted as strong love. Frequent sexual contact becomes interpreted as evidence that the relationship is loving. Reduced sexual interest is interpreted as weakening love. A decrease in the intensity of conditioned pleasant feelings can therefore produce the conclusion that the relationship has somehow lost the love that once existed.

Yet these sexual experiences are conditioned and therefore impermanent. The body changes. Age changes the body. Health changes. Energy changes. Schedules change. Interests change. The excitement present at the beginning of a relationship does not remain permanent. Sexual craving/desire/attachment itself can change, and when the strength of the craving changes, the conditioned pleasant feelings experienced through its satisfaction can also change.

None of this demonstrates that True Love has disappeared.

If two people mistakenly believe that sex represents their love, the changing sexual experience can create significant confusion. A couple may have had frequent sexual contact earlier in the relationship and considerably less contact years later. One or both people can then think, “We are not in love the way we used to be”. What they may actually be observing is that the craving/desire/attachment associated with sexual contact and the conditioned pleasant feelings produced through that contact have changed.

This misunderstanding can lead to extremely unwise decisions. A person may be in a relationship with someone who is loyal, loving, supportive, dedicated, polite, kind, friendly, respectful, and deeply interested in building a wonderful life together, yet begin looking elsewhere for more stimulating sexual encounters because the conditioned pleasant feelings within the existing relationship are no longer as intense as they were earlier. The mind can interpret the desire for newness as a search for love, when in reality the mind may simply be chasing craving/desire/attachment.

A new sexual encounter can temporarily satisfy sexual craving/desire/attachment, while the newness of the encounter can produce stronger conditioned pleasant feelings. The person may then think, “I have found love again”. Yet the new experience is also conditioned and impermanent. The newness will change. The conditioned pleasant feelings will change. If the underlying craving/desire/attachment remains unexamined, the mind can begin seeking another object of affection when the newer experience also becomes less stimulating.

Without wisdom, a person can damage an otherwise wonderful relationship while believing they are searching for love, when what they are actually pursuing is the temporary satisfaction of sexual craving/desire/attachment. The unEnlightened mind is stuck in a cycle of continually seeking satisfaction externally but is never fully satisfied because as conditions change, so do the conditioned pleasant feelings.

This does not mean sexual contact is inherently problematic within a relationship. Sexual contact can be one of many experiences shared by two beings. The important distinction is understanding that the conditioned pleasant feelings experienced through sexual contact are not True Love. Two life partners can enjoy sexual contact without making its frequency or intensity the measurement of whether love exists. This wisdom allows major decisions regarding the relationship to be based upon the actual qualities of the partnership rather than upon the pursuit of increasingly intense conditioned pleasant feelings.

You Do Not Fall In and Out of True Love

The expressions “falling in love” and “falling out of love” reveal another major misunderstanding of True Love. Consider what often occurs when two people first meet. At the beginning of the relationship, expectations are generally minimal because the people do not yet know one another very well. Neither person has developed an extensive list of ideas regarding how the other being is expected to communicate, how much time they are expected to spend together, how affection has to be expressed, how holidays have to be spent, how frequently sexual contact has to occur, what activities have to be shared, or how future decisions have to be made.

Because expectations are relatively low, they are relatively easy to satisfy. The people communicate frequently because they are interested in learning about one another. They make time to meet. They listen carefully. They may be polite, kind, friendly, attentive, and generous with affection. Attraction and excitement can be strong. Sexual craving may be intense. The unEnlightened mind experiences significant conditioned pleasant feelings and interprets those experiences by saying, “I have fallen in love”.

The people then begin speaking and acting according to that interpretation. They may be extraordinarily patient with one another because there are relatively few expectations at the beginning of the relationship, and many of those expectations are easily fulfilled. Both people are receiving many of the experiences they want from the relationship, their cravings are repeatedly being satisfied, and significant conditioned pleasant feelings arise. They may therefore be especially attentive to one another’s interests and expectations because they want those pleasant experiences to continue throughout this “honeymoon” period. They may express affection frequently, overlook differences easily, and view one another through the pleasant feelings associated with the new relationship. From the outside, and even within their own minds, this can appear to be proof that a powerful form of love has suddenly arisen.

But the circumstances gradually change.

As the relationship becomes established, expectations frequently increase. What was once freely offered and appreciated can become expected. Frequent communication becomes an expectation regarding how often the other person is supposed to make contact. Time together becomes an expectation concerning how much time the partner is expected to provide. Sexual activity develops expectations regarding frequency, interest, and participation. Shared interests become expectations regarding how the couple needs to spend their time. Decision-making develops expectations regarding agreement. The mind may begin thinking, “If you love me, you will behave in this way”, “If you care about me, you will make this decision”, or “If our relationship is strong, you will continue doing what you used to do”.

The relationship that began with relatively few expectations gradually becomes surrounded by increasing craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations.

Eventually, many of those expectations will not be fulfilled. This is inevitable because the other person is an individual being living an impermanent life and the world is full of impermanence. When the expectations are no longer met, conditioned painful feelings begin to arise. The mind experiences irritation, disappointment, frustration, resentment, jealousy, anger, bitterness, hostility, or loneliness and begins interpreting those experiences as evidence that something has happened to the love.

The same person who previously thought, “I have fallen in love with you” can later conclude, “I have fallen out of love with you” and begin treating the other person in a very different way. The politeness, kindness, friendliness, and respect that were present while expectations were being satisfied can give way to harshness, unkindness, hostility, and disrespect once those expectations are no longer being met.

Yet True Love did not arise and then disappear.

Earlier, craving/desire/attachment was being satisfied and conditioned pleasant feelings were arising. Later, increasing craving/desire/attachment was no longer being satisfied and conditioned painful feelings were arising. The unEnlightened mind interpreted the pleasant feelings as love and then interpreted the painful feelings as the disappearance of love. The unEnlightened mind firmly believes that the conditioned painful feelings are coming from the other person rather than understanding that they are arising because of causes and conditions (i.e. craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations) within the Practitioner’s own mind.

What people commonly describe as falling in and out of love is therefore more accurately understood as becoming immersed in craving/desire/attachment and then experiencing the results when the conditions that satisfied that craving change.

The phrase “falling out of love” can therefore conceal what actually needs to be investigated. Instead of concluding that love has mysteriously vanished, the Practitioner can ask what expectations have developed, which cravings are no longer being satisfied, what conditioned feelings are arising, and how the mind is responding to impermanence. This investigation allows the Practitioner to address the actual cause rather than making major relationship decisions based upon a misunderstanding of True Love.

The Craving for Permanence Behind Expectations

The increase in expectations within relationships has an even deeper cause. The unEnlightened mind does not deeply understand impermanence, and because it does not understand impermanence, it develops a craving for permanence. The mind wants pleasant circumstances to continue permanently. It wants the person who provides enjoyable experiences to continue providing them in the same way. It wants the relationship in which significant conditioned pleasant feelings once arose to remain recognizable and predictable permanently.

Within close relationships, this craving for permanence appears through expectations. The mind may not consciously think, “I demand that this person remain permanently unchanged”. Instead, it expects continued patterns. It expects the other being to communicate as they once communicated, continue showing affection in the same manner, continue enjoying the same interests, continue spending similar amounts of time together, continue making decisions in familiar ways, continue providing sexual contact with the same frequency, and continue behaving in ways that correspond with the image the Practitioner has formed of them.

But the other person is continually changing, the Practitioner is continually changing, the circumstances surrounding both lives are continually changing, and the relationship itself is continually changing. Even the expectations being placed upon the relationship are changing as the Practitioner acquires new experiences, develops new interests, encounters different circumstances, and forms new ideas about how the relationship is expected to operate. The unEnlightened mind is therefore asking an impermanent being, within an impermanent relationship, to permanently satisfy expectations that are themselves impermanent. That is impossible.

It is impossible for another being to meet 100% of all the expectations placed upon them because neither the being nor the expectations remain permanently unchanged. An expectation that seemed unimportant five years earlier may become extremely important today, while another expectation that once mattered greatly may have disappeared. A person who once had substantial free time may later have children, work commitments, health changes, new interests, or different priorities. The relationship can remain meaningful while its external circumstances become radically different.

Without wisdom regarding impermanence, the mind can interpret these normal changes as evidence that something has gone wrong. It may accuse the other person of changing as though change were a violation of the relationship rather than the natural way life operates. The mind may attempt to restore previous circumstances, pressure the other being to behave as they once behaved, or conclude that love has disappeared because the same conditioned pleasant feelings no longer arise within the mind as the relationship changes.

With greater wisdom, the Practitioner recognizes that no being can permanently satisfy the cravings of an unEnlightened mind. The solution is therefore not to search for a person who will finally meet every expectation because such a person does not exist. The solution is to understand impermanence, identify craving/desire/attachment, and gradually eliminate the expectation that another being needs to remain a particular way in order for the Practitioner to maintain peace, harmony, and True Love.

When “Love” Really Means “Do Things My Way”

The misunderstanding of craving/desire/attachment as love becomes especially visible when the quality of a person’s conduct changes according to whether another being is doing things “my way”. A person may sincerely say, “I love you”, and while the other individual is meeting expectations, they may communicate gently, provide affection, act generously, show patience, and behave as though the relationship is deeply loving. The unspoken condition, however, can become: “I will continue behaving this way as long as you continue being the person I want you to be”.

The mind may effectively operate according to the idea, “I love you, therefore I want you to remain with me because you make me happy. I will speak as if I love you, and I will act as if I love you, because you are doing things my way”. While expectations are being satisfied, this conditional arrangement can remain hidden because few circumstances are challenging it.

Then the other person makes a different decision.

A life partner develops an independent interest. An adult child chooses a career the parent would not have chosen. A friend becomes less available. A partner’s sexual interest changes. Someone disagrees with a major decision. The other being stops doing something according to “my way”.

If the apparent love quickly transforms into bitterness, harshness, repeated pressure, resentment, hostility, anger, aversion, or attempts to force the other being back into compliance, then the Practitioner has valuable evidence regarding what was actually occurring. The quality of conduct toward the other person was dependent upon whether that person satisfied expectations.

The implicit message becomes, “I will treat you lovingly while you do things my way, but when you stop doing things my way, all bets are off”.

That is not True Love.

What is commonly called “conditional love” is not True Love. In reality, there is no such thing as conditional True Love because if a condition needs to be fulfilled before the mental quality exists, then the experience is being influenced by craving/desire/attachment rather than True Love. True Love does not become available only after another being behaves according to particular conditions.

There is also an obvious problem with requiring another being to do things “my way” before True Love can be present. If a person can only love someone who thinks, speaks, decides, and behaves according to “my way”, there is only one person in the world who could theoretically do things “my way” 100% of the time.

That person is oneself.

Every other being has a different mind, different experiences, different knowledge, different interests, different habits, different areas of wisdom, different causes and conditions, and their own process of decision-making. Every other being will eventually disagree, choose differently, communicate differently, or behave in ways the Practitioner would not choose.

If agreement with “my way” is a requirement for love, then love for other beings becomes impossible. The Practitioner could not love all beings and practice loving-kindness toward all beings, which is part of developing complete harmony in relationships and the Enlightened mental state.

Even loving oneself becomes difficult when love is made conditional. The unEnlightened mind commonly establishes expectations regarding what the person needs to accomplish, what their body needs to look like, how quickly they need to progress, which mistakes they are not allowed to make, or what type of person they are supposed to become. When these self-imposed expectations are not fulfilled, the mind can produce anger, bitterness, guilt, shame, hostility, and ill will toward itself.

The same problem remains. Craving/desire/attachment has been mistaken for love.

True Love Is Not Something Another Being Needs to Earn

Another common misunderstanding is the idea that wholesome conduct toward others needs to be earned. People are sometimes taught, “I am not going to respect you until you respect me”. At first, this may sound reasonable, but the weakness of the principle becomes obvious when two people both apply it.

One person thinks, “I will not respect you until you respect me first”.

The other person thinks, “I will not respect you until you respect me first”.

Both wait.

Neither begins practicing respect because each has decided that the other person needs to satisfy the condition first. If everyone approached respect in this manner, no one would begin practicing respect because everyone would be waiting for someone else to go first.

The same problem occurs when love is treated this way. If a person first judges another being to determine whether that being deserves love, the love has already been made conditional. The mind may think, “I will love you when you prove that you deserve my love”, “I will be kind when you are kind first”, or “I will have loving-kindness toward you after you demonstrate that you are a good person”. In each circumstance, the person is making the quality of their own mind dependent upon another being satisfying a requirement.

If everyone practiced according to that principle, no one would begin loving anyone because everyone would be waiting for someone else to do something first.

An Enlightened being does not function this way.

An Enlightened being does not investigate another person to determine whether that being has earned loving-kindness. True Love is already fully cultivated within the mind. The other person does not need to show respect first, communicate kindly first, apologize first, agree first, behave wisely first, practice The Teachings first, or belong to a preferred family, culture, religion, country, profession, or community. No external condition needs to be satisfied for loving-kindness to exist. True Love does not function in that way.

This is the meaning of unconditional True Love. The mental quality exists because it has been fully cultivated within the mind, not because every being in the world has successfully passed an examination determining whether they deserve it.

This does not mean an Enlightened being becomes incapable of discernment. An Enlightened being can recognize deception, harsh speech, selfishness, violence, dishonesty, or other unwholesome conduct with complete clarity. What does not arise is hatred or dislike toward the being producing that conduct. Wisdom recognizes the conduct accurately, while True Love remains toward the being.

Loving All Beings As They Are

To love beings as they are does not mean pretending that every being is wise, harmless, truthful, compassionate, or well-developed in The Teachings. It means the Practitioner is not requiring another person to become someone different before loving-kindness can exist toward them. The being can be seen according to the reality presently existing, including both wholesome and unwholesome qualities, areas of wisdom and areas of ignorance (unknowing of true reality), wise decisions and unwise decisions.

This becomes particularly important in close relationships because the unEnlightened mind can gradually become attached to an imagined version of another person. A parent may construct an image of the career an adult child will choose, the person they will marry, or the way they will live. A life partner may form expectations about who the other person will become ten or twenty years later. A Teacher may develop expectations regarding how quickly a Student will progress. A friend may assume that another friend will always share the same interests, maintain the same communication habits, or make similar life choices.

When reality eventually differs from the imagined version, discontentedness can arise because the mind was not simply relating to the person who actually exists. It was relating to an expectation regarding who the person was supposed to become.

True Love removes the need for another being to become the version created by craving/desire/attachment within the Practitioner’s mind. Loving someone as they are means the Practitioner can possess a genuine interest in that being’s well-being without requiring the person to think “my way”, live “my way”, decide “my way”, or progress according to “my timeline”. The Practitioner’s mind is free of all expectations for the other person to be a certain way. Wisdom can still be shared, questions can still be asked, advice can still be offered, and likely results can still be explained, but the guidance is not transformed into a condition for love.

This recognizes that the other being remains an individual being. If the person acquires wisdom and changes, loving-kindness remains. If the person continues making decisions the Practitioner considers unwise, loving-kindness remains. If the relationship becomes closer, loving-kindness remains. If the relationship becomes more distant, loving-kindness remains. The mental quality is not continually being renegotiated according to whether another being has satisfied the Practitioner’s expectations.

No matter what the other person does or does not do, True Love continues in an Enlightened mind.

True Love Does Not Mean Approving of Everything

Unconditional True Love can be misunderstood as unconditional approval, but the two are not the same. The presence of loving-kindness does not require the Practitioner to regard every decision as wise or every form of conduct as wholesome. A person can lie, steal, behave dishonestly, communicate harshly, or make decisions that are clearly likely to produce undesirable results, and the Practitioner can recognize those realities accurately.

The distinction is between understanding the conduct and developing dislike toward the being.

The Practitioner can conclude, “That decision is unwise”, without moving to, “I dislike this person”. They can determine, “Participating in this circumstance would produce results I am not interested in”, without developing resentment. They can understand that another person has behaved dishonestly and decide not to enter a business arrangement with them while continuing to possess loving-kindness toward that being.

True Love therefore does not necessitate that the Practitioner remain involved in every relationship in the same manner. Another person’s freedom to make decisions does not mean the Practitioner needs to participate in every result of those decisions. A life partnership can end. A friendship can change. Financial support can be declined. A business relationship can be discontinued. Contact can become less frequent. The form of participation can change because wisdom recognizes that different decisions produce different results.

The mental quality of True Love does not need to change with it.

This distinction is important because it prevents unconditional love from being misunderstood as unconditional participation. True Love is unconditional. Participation involves decisions, causes, conditions, and results. The Practitioner remains the decision-maker regarding what involvement is wise within their own life while retaining loving-kindness toward the other being.

Missing Someone Is Not Love

Another deeply established misunderstanding is the belief that missing someone demonstrates love. People commonly say, “I miss you because I love you”, as though the conditioned painful feeling of missing another being reveals the amount of True Love within the mind.

Yet missing someone and True Love are not the same mental quality.

Missing another being is a conditioned experience arising because the mind longs for the present circumstance to be different. The person is absent, and the mind wants the person present. Communication is less frequent, and the mind wants more communication. A relationship has changed, and the mind wants its previous form restored. The person has moved away, and the mind wants proximity again.

This longing and yearning reveal craving/desire/attachment.

The person can still genuinely possess True Love toward the being who is absent. Nothing about physical distance prevents loving-kindness from remaining. But the conditioned painful feeling of missing the person is not the love itself. Painful feelings are caused by craving/desire/attachment, not True Love.

This becomes especially clear when considering an Enlightened being. An Enlightened being possesses fully cultivated True Love toward all beings and does not experience conditioned feelings. Therefore, an Enlightened being can have complete loving-kindness toward another being without experiencing a conditioned painful feeling because that being is absent.

Eliminating the conditioned feeling of missing someone therefore does not mean that love has weakened.

It means the attachment has been eliminated.

This understanding is important because the unEnlightened mind can resist eliminating attachment when the attachment has been labeled as love. The mind may think, “If I stop missing this person, it would mean I no longer care”. But the Practitioner learns to separate the two experiences. True Love can remain while the craving for proximity is gradually eliminated.

Grief Is Not Love

The same misunderstanding occurs with grief. When another being dies, people often measure the depth of love according to the intensity of grief. Someone who experiences overwhelming sorrow may be described as having loved very deeply, while a person who remains peaceful may even be judged as though they did not care enough. This interpretation again treats conditioned painful feelings as evidence of True Love.

But grief is not love. Instead, grief is caused by craving/desire/attachment. The mind wants and expects permanence while living in an impermanent world.

Death is evidence of impermanence. The relationship can no longer continue in the form that previously existed. The person can no longer communicate, visit, share meals, travel, receive messages, experience physical contact, or participate in the familiar routines that once formed part of the relationship. The causes and conditions supporting the previous form of that relationship have changed.

The unEnlightened mind can strongly crave for those circumstances to continue. It wants the person alive. It wants another conversation. It wants another visit. It wants the previous relationship circumstances restored. When reality does not correspond with this craving, conditioned painful feelings arise, and those conditioned painful feelings are experienced as grief.

The love is something different.

A Practitioner can maintain True Love while gradually eliminating craving/desire/attachment toward the relationship circumstances. As attachment is eliminated, grief is also eliminated because the causes of the discontentedness are being eliminated. An Enlightened being can therefore experience the death of someone toward whom complete True Love is present without experiencing conditioned grief.

Nothing has happened to the love.

The attachment is absent.

Understanding this allows the Practitioner to see that grief does not need to be preserved as proof that another being mattered. Eliminating grief does not diminish the relationship that existed, dishonor the person who died, or indicate that True Love was absent. It represents the elimination of craving/desire/attachment while True Love remains.

Rather than grieving the person’s absence, the Practitioner can reside with appreciation and gratitude for the time that person was present within their life while maintaining peace of mind.

True Love Does Not Depend Upon Pleasant Experiences

Once the Practitioner understands that True Love is not a conditioned feeling, the entire way relationships are thought of begins to change. A relationship can contain many enjoyable experiences. Two people may laugh together, share meals, travel, raise children, work toward common goals, experience sexual contact, meditate together, study The Teachings together, support one another, or simply appreciate spending time in each other’s company. These experiences can be wonderful and meaningful, and there is no reason to reject them simply because they are temporary.

The wisdom being developed is not that enjoyable experiences are unwholesome or to be avoided. An Enlightened mind is able to enjoy an experience without conditioned pleasant feelings, which may sound unusual to an unEnlightened mind unfamiliar with the Enlightened mental state.

The wisdom being developed is that conditioned pleasant experiences, which involve conditioned pleasant feelings, need to be understood accurately. They arise because causes and conditions are present, they change as those causes and conditions change, and eventually they fade away. Therefore, they cannot wisely be used as the measurement of True Love.

This distinction becomes particularly important because the unEnlightened mind can associate another person with the conditioned pleasant feelings experienced in their presence. A life partner may provide companionship, affection, sexual contact, encouragement, attention, and many enjoyable experiences, and the mind can begin thinking that those experiences prove the person is the source of happiness. When those circumstances later change, the mind may interpret the changes as evidence that the love has changed.

Perhaps communication becomes less frequent. Sexual activity changes. The people spend more time pursuing different interests. One person travels more frequently. An adult child moves away. A close friend becomes less available. If conditioned pleasant feelings have been mistaken for True Love, any reduction in those feelings can appear threatening.

Yet changing circumstances do not determine whether True Love exists within the mind. Reduced sexual contact does not mean love has disappeared. Less frequent communication does not mean love has disappeared. Physical distance does not mean love has disappeared. Disagreement does not mean love has disappeared. A relationship changing form does not mean love has disappeared.

These are changes in conditioned circumstances, and such change is normal because this is how life operates according to The Natural Laws of Existence including The Universal Truth of Impermanence.

The Practitioner who understands impermanence becomes increasingly capable of appreciating those circumstances while they exist without requiring them to remain permanent as proof that love continues to exist. Pleasant experiences can be enjoyed without becoming expectations. Time together can be appreciated without demanding constant availability. Sexual contact can be enjoyed without treating its intensity as a measurement of love. Communication can be meaningful without requiring a certain number of messages every day. Closeness can be deeply appreciated without craving permanent proximity.

An Enlightened being maintains peace and joy throughout the changing circumstances of life because their peace and joy are not dependent upon external circumstances remaining a certain way.

In this way, True Love allows relationships to be experienced according to how they actually exist rather than according to the unEnlightened mind’s craving regarding how they need to remain.

True Love Does Not Require the Relationship to Continue in the Same Form

Understanding True Love as an unconditioned mental quality also allows the Practitioner to recognize that love does not require a particular relationship to continue permanently in its present form. This can be difficult for the unEnlightened mind because attachment frequently associates love with continued access to another person. The mind may think, “If I truly love this person, they need to remain in my life in this particular way”, or “If they truly love me, they will continue participating in the relationship according to the form I want”.

These beliefs transform the continuation of a conditioned relationship into a condition for love.

Yet every relationship is impermanent. A friendship can become less close. An adult child can move far away. A life partnership can change or end. A Teacher and Student may eventually spend less time together. People can become separated because of work, geography, changing interests, different life decisions, or death. A relationship changes because the causes and conditions supporting its previous form have changed. This is normal due to The Universal Truth of Impermanence.

None of this means True Love has disappeared.

A determination that continuing a particular form of relationship is no longer wise does not require abandoning True Love toward the other being. Two people are able to end a life partnership without hatred. A person could stop participating in a friendship that repeatedly produces circumstances they would rather not experience without developing resentment toward the friend. Someone could discontinue a business relationship with a dishonest person while continuing to possess a genuine interest in that being’s well-being.

The decision regarding participation belongs to wisdom.

The mental quality of True Love does not need to be withdrawn for a different decision to be made.

This separation between love and participation provides significant clarity. The question is no longer, “If I love this person, what am I required to tolerate?” True Love does not create such a requirement. The more useful investigation is, “What decision regarding my participation is wise while maintaining True Love toward this being?” In this way, wisdom and True Love work together rather than being placed in opposition.

Fully Cultivated True Love Extends to All Beings

The complete cultivation of True Love cannot remain limited to a small group of people the Practitioner likes. In the beginning of practice, loving-kindness may be easier to recognize toward those with whom the Practitioner already has pleasant relationships. A person may naturally experience significant care toward a child, parent, life partner, close friend, Teacher, Student, or another being who has repeatedly treated them well. These relationships can provide useful circumstances for beginning to recognize and cultivate True Love.

But if True Love remains dependent upon familiarity, agreement, pleasant conduct, family connection, personal benefit, or another being’s behavior, then the mental quality of True Love, loving-kindness, has not yet been fully cultivated.

Fully developed True Love extends equally toward all beings because there is no external condition that needs to be fulfilled before loving-kindness exists within the mind. The Practitioner gradually eliminates the habit of dividing beings into categories such as people I love, people I tolerate, people I dislike, people who deserve kindness, and people who do not. Wisdom can still recognize profound differences in behavior, but these differences do not necessitate anger, irritation, hatred, ill will or even the slightest dislike toward the being.

This distinction is important because the unEnlightened mind frequently believes anger or dislike is necessary in order to recognize unwise conduct. Someone may think that if they stop being angry at a person who behaved badly, they are somehow approving of the behavior. Yet wisdom and anger are not the same quality. The Practitioner can understand that an action was unwholesome and unwise without hating the person who performed it. They can recognize deception without resentment, harmful behavior without hostility, and unwise decision-making without contempt.

In fact, eliminating anger allows the circumstance to be examined with greater clarity because the mind is no longer being influenced by an unwholesome quality while attempting to determine what response would be wise.

When True Love has been completely cultivated, there cannot remain even the slightest dislike toward another being. Anger, frustration, irritation, annoyance, bitterness, hostility, resentment, hatred, and ill will are incompatible with the complete development of loving-kindness because each contains some degree of opposition toward another being. An Enlightened being therefore does not love one being and dislike another. The mind is fully established in loving-kindness, True Love, toward all beings equally.

This does not mean an Enlightened being interacts with every person identically. Equal True Love does not mean identical participation because the Practitioner’s role within each relationship is different. Wisdom may determine that one person can be trusted with sensitive information while another cannot, that one friendship can involve frequent interaction while another interaction is best kept limited, or that one person’s conduct is wholesome while another person’s conduct is dangerous or unwise. The circumstances of interaction can differ considerably while the underlying mental quality remains the same.

Equality in True Love refers to the absence of dislike and the genuine interest in seeing all beings be well. It does not mean pretending that every circumstance is identical.

True Love Is Developed Within the Practitioner’s Own Mind

One of the most significant implications of this Teaching is that the development of True Love belongs within the Practitioner’s own training. Another being does not need to change before loving-kindness can be cultivated. The Practitioner does not need to wait for a life partner to communicate more wisely, a parent to become more understanding, an adult child to make different decisions, a friend to apologize, a coworker to become respectful, or someone who behaved unwisely to prove that they now deserve love.

Waiting for others to change before cultivating loving-kindness would make the quality of the Practitioner’s own mind dependent upon external circumstances being a certain way because of craving/desire/attachment.

This returns us to the example of respect. If a person says, “I will respect you when you respect me”, and the other person holds the same view, neither person begins practicing respect. Both are waiting for someone else to produce the condition first. The same pattern can occur with what people think is kindness, friendliness, compassion, and True Love.

An Enlightened being does not wait.

The loving-kindness is already present because the mind has been fully cultivated.

If the Practitioner is waiting for someone else to do something before they will love them, that is not True Love. It is craving/desire/attachment, wants, and expectations masquerading as love.

Another being’s conduct may influence how an Enlightened being wisely interacts with them, but the conduct cannot produce dislike within the Enlightened mind. If someone communicates harshly, the Enlightened being does not become harsh. If someone behaves selfishly, resentment does not arise. If another person chooses not to show respect, loving-kindness does not disappear. The external circumstance may affect which response is wise, but it does not determine the mental quality from which the response originates.

This is one of the clearest ways True Love supports harmonious relationships. If the Practitioner’s kindness, respect, friendliness, and loving-kindness depend upon how another person behaves first, then the Practitioner is allowing the conduct of other beings to influence whether their own conduct remains wholesome. Another being becomes angry, and the Practitioner becomes angry. Someone communicates harshly, and the Practitioner becomes harsh. Someone behaves disrespectfully, and the Practitioner abandons respect.

The Path to Enlightenment moves in the opposite direction. The Practitioner trains the mind so thoroughly that wholesome intentions, wise communication, and harmless actions are increasingly present because wisdom is present, not because everyone else behaved a certain way first. This does not make the Practitioner passive, weak, or incapable of making solid decisions. It means the response originates in wisdom rather than craving/desire/attachment, anger, resentment, or the desire to punish another being.

True Love therefore does not merely change how the Practitioner thinks about relationships. It changes the quality of the Practitioner’s mind by teaching them not to make the mental qualities they cultivate dependent upon the choices, decisions, speech, or actions of other beings. As True Love becomes fully cultivated and craving/desire/attachment is eliminated, the mind becomes fully protected from the discontentedness that previously arose within relationships.

The Wisdom Being Developed

The Practitioner can now begin to see why misunderstanding love creates so many difficulties and struggles within relationships. If conditioned pleasant feelings are interpreted as love, the mind will continually chase circumstances in which those feelings arise. If sexual stimulation is interpreted as love, changes in sexual activity may be interpreted as the disappearance of love. If attachment is interpreted as love, missing someone, jealousy, fear of separation, desperation, and grief may be protected rather than investigated because the person believes these experiences demonstrate how deeply they care. If expectations are interpreted as love, attempts to control another person may be justified as expressions of care. And if love is treated as something another being needs to earn, kindness, respect, and wholesome conduct become conditional upon whether the other person behaves the way the Practitioner wants first.

All of these misunderstandings share a common foundation: the unEnlightened mind has not yet acquired sufficient wisdom to distinguish True Love from craving/desire/attachment and conditioned feelings. Because the distinction is unclear, the mind interprets circumstances in which conditioned pleasant feelings arise as evidence that love is present and circumstances in which conditioned painful feelings arise as evidence that love is disappearing. This creates the familiar pattern in which two people think they have “fallen in love” during a period when expectations are low and pleasant experiences are abundant, only to think they have “fallen out of love” after expectations increase and begin going unmet.

The Practitioner now understands that this process is not True Love arising and disappearing. Early in the relationship, craving/desire/attachment is frequently being satisfied, producing conditioned pleasant feelings. Over time, expectations increase because the unEnlightened mind does not deeply understand impermanence and continues craving permanence within the relationship. Another being cannot meet 100% of those expectations because the person is continually changing, the Practitioner is continually changing, the relationship is continually changing, and even the expectations themselves are continually changing. When those expectations are not fulfilled, conditioned painful feelings arise, and the mind interprets those experiences as evidence that “the love is gone”.

But True Love is not what disappeared.

What changed were the causes and conditions surrounding craving/desire/attachment.

This same wisdom explains why the Practitioner does not need to “fall in love” with beings individually after deciding whether each one deserves love. Fully cultivated True Love does not operate through personal selection. Loving-kindness is an unconditioned mental quality of genuine interest in seeing all beings be well. Another being does not need to provide companionship, affection, sexual contact, agreement, respect, assistance, attention, approval, or anything else before this mental quality can exist. True Love is not a reward distributed to people who satisfy the Practitioner’s wants.

As loving-kindness develops, the Practitioner becomes increasingly capable of loving beings as they are rather than loving an imagined version of who they are expected to become. Another being can disagree without becoming an enemy. They can make an unwise decision without becoming undeserving of love. They can communicate harshly without the Practitioner developing hatred toward them in response. They can leave, change, communicate less, choose differently, or live a life the Practitioner would not personally choose, and none of these circumstances needs to determine whether loving-kindness, True Love, remains within the Practitioner’s mind.

The complete cultivation of True Love therefore represents a profound transformation. When this mental quality has been fully developed, the mind possesses loving-kindness toward all beings equally and contains no anger, frustration, irritation, annoyance, resentment, hostility, bitterness, hatred, ill will, or even the slightest dislike toward another being. Wisdom remains fully capable of recognizing unwholesome conduct, but there is no need to hate the being producing it. Participation can change without resentment. Relationships can end without hostility. Disagreement can occur without disharmony. Another being can make decisions entirely different from those the Practitioner would make without the Practitioner abandoning wholesome intentions, wise communication, and harmless actions.

This is why True Love is not simply a pleasant concept to admire. It represents a fundamental transformation in how the mind relates to all beings. The Practitioner gradually moves away from a relationship model based upon, “What are you going to provide for me?”, “Will you continue making me feel the way I want to feel?”, and “Will you behave according to my expectations?” toward a mind that possesses a genuine interest in seeing all beings be well without wanting or expecting anything from them.

The Practitioner is not attempting to eliminate relationships, affection, companionship, shared experiences, or closeness. Nor is the Practitioner becoming indifferent toward other beings. Quite the opposite. The practice allows loving-kindness to become increasingly pure because craving/desire/attachment is gradually being eliminated from the mind. The Practitioner can care deeply without possession, love without expectation, share wisdom without controlling, remain close without craving permanence, and remain peaceful as another being walks their own path without interpreting that difference as rejection.

Ultimately, True Love is not demonstrated by how intensely the Practitioner experiences conditioned feelings toward a selected group of beings. It is demonstrated through the cultivation of a mind in which loving-kindness is present toward all beings, independent of whether those beings behave according to the Practitioner’s preferences.

This understanding provides the Practitioner with a clear objective, but intellectual understanding alone cannot produce that objective. The unEnlightened mind has spent an enormous amount of time developing craving/desire/attachment, expectations, conditioned reactions, anger, aversion, habits, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality). Learning that these qualities are not True Love does not immediately eliminate them. The Practitioner needs a systematic method for training the decision-maker’s mind so that wisdom increasingly influences intentions, communication, actions, mental qualities, mindfulness, and concentration throughout daily life.

That training is The Eight Fold Path.

Chapter 6 will examine: The Eight Fold Path: Training the Decision-Maker’s Mind