What Is Harmony in Relationships?

Relationships are among the most influential circumstances a person encounters throughout life. From childhood through old age, human beings interact with parents, caregivers, siblings, Teachers, friends, coworkers, life partners, children, neighbors, and countless other beings. Some of these relationships may continue for decades, while others exist only briefly. Some involve close participation and frequent interaction, while others remain occasional or distant. Regardless of their particular form, relationships continually present circumstances in which intentions are formed, decisions are made, communication occurs, actions are taken, and the results of those decisions and actions are experienced.

Because relationships play such an important role in life, people often develop strong ideas about what a “good” relationship is supposed to look like. A good friendship may be imagined as one in which people communicate regularly, enjoy spending time together, support one another, and rarely disagree. A good life partnership may be understood as one in which both people share similar interests, make the same decisions, remain affectionate, and enjoy considerable time together. A successful parent-child relationship may be imagined as one in which the child listens to the parent, follows wise guidance, behaves responsibly, and maintains a close relationship throughout adulthood. When relationships resemble these ideas, they are frequently described as healthy, successful, or harmonious.

Yet the outward appearance of a relationship does not always reveal the quality of the minds participating in it. Two people may appear exceptionally close while attachment, fear, jealousy, or dependence strongly influences the relationship. Another relationship may contain disagreement, independence, or challenging circumstances while the people involved continue communicating respectfully and acting through wholesome intentions. For this reason, the presence or absence of comfort, agreement, closeness, or frequent communication does not by itself provide a complete understanding of whether harmony is actually being developed.

The Teachings of The Buddha therefore guide the Practitioner to look beyond the external appearance of a relationship and examine something deeper: the condition of the mind from which the relationship is being experienced and conducted. Rather than determining whether harmony exists solely according to whether another person agrees, behaves as preferred, remains close, or makes decisions we understand, the Practitioner begins investigating the mental qualities, intentions, communication, and actions that are present within the relationship. Before learning how harmony can be developed, it is first important to understand what harmony actually means.

Defining Harmony in Relationships

Students sometimes hear the phrase Harmony in Relationships and initially understand it to mean that two people rarely disagree, do what the other person wants or expects, or generally make decisions that are 100% compatible with one another. From that perspective, harmony appears to depend upon a certain arrangement of external conditions. As long as people are behaving in ways that are pleasant and agreeable, the relationship appears harmonious. When disagreement, change, disappointment, or challenging conduct arises, the relationship may then be described as disharmonious.

The meaning of harmony presented throughout this book is considerably deeper. Harmony in relationships is the ability to interact with other beings through wisdom, wholesome intentions, wise communication, and harmless actions while maintaining a peaceful, calm, serene, and content mind with joy. Harmony does not depend upon another person agreeing with us, behaving according to our preferences, making the decisions we would make, communicating in the manner we prefer, or understanding the world exactly as we understand it. Harmony develops as the Practitioner trains their own mind so that craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality) are gradually eliminated and wholesome qualities increasingly guide the decisions they make.

An important part of this definition is understanding that harmony does not depend upon the other person behaving harmoniously in return. Another person does not need to interact harmoniously with the Practitioner in order for the Practitioner to remain harmonious within their own experience of the relationship. Another person may continue to speak or act through craving, anger, or ignorance (unknowing of true reality). They may disagree, speak harshly, make unwise decisions, or behave in ways the Practitioner would never choose for themselves. The Practitioner can clearly observe that conduct while continuing to maintain wholesome intentions, wise communication, harmless actions, loving-kindness, and compassion. In this way, harmony describes the quality of the Practitioner’s own mind and conduct rather than a condition that can exist only when everyone involved behaves harmoniously.

This understanding makes it possible to recognize that disagreement and disharmony are not the same thing. Two people can disagree completely about a decision and still interact through politeness, kindness, friendliness, respect, and loving-kindness. A parent can disagree with a decision made by an adult child without becoming angry or attempting to force that child into a different decision. Two life partners can have different interests, different opinions, and different ways of approaching a situation without those differences becoming a threat to the relationship. A Practitioner can interact with someone who has no interest in The Teachings of The Buddha and still maintain loving-kindness, compassion, wise communication, and harmless conduct.

The presence of harmony therefore does not tell us that everyone involved is thinking or behaving in the same way. Instead, it tells us something about the condition of the Practitioner’s mind and the quality of the decisions arising from that mind. A harmonious relationship does not necessitate sameness, permanent agreement, or another person continually meeting our expectations. The Practitioner is learning to remain peaceful while wisely navigating a world in which other beings are continually making their own decisions.

This is also why the goal of a life practice is considerably greater than simply reducing arguments or improving a few challenging relationships. The Practitioner is gradually developing toward the ability to experience 100% harmonious relationships with all beings. This does not mean that all beings will eventually behave wholesomely toward the Practitioner. Some people may lie, speak harshly, behave aggressively, make unwise decisions, or act through craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality). Their conduct does not determine whether harmony is possible within the Practitioner’s experience. The Practitioner is developing a mind that can encounter all varieties of conduct without producing unwholesome intentions, communication, or actions in response.

The Practitioner is able to remain harmonious despite what may or may not be experienced from the other person.

The objective is therefore not a world in which everyone behaves the same or according to an arbitrary definition of what is correct. The objective is a mind developed sufficiently in wisdom that the behavior of others no longer determines whether the Practitioner experiences peace, joy, and harmony.

The Circumstance and the Quality of the Relationship Are Not the Same Thing

Once harmony is understood in this way, an important distinction becomes possible between the circumstance occurring within a relationship and the quality with which the Practitioner participates in that circumstance. These two things are often combined as though they were the same. If an argument occurs, the relationship is called bad. If a person disagrees, the relationship is described as strained. If another person behaves in an unwanted manner, the interaction is immediately regarded as disharmonious. But the circumstance itself does not reveal everything that is occurring.

Suppose a coworker repeatedly arrives late to meetings and this behavior affects the work of other people. The conduct may be unwise and may need to be addressed. A harmonious response does not require pretending that the behavior is wise. The Practitioner can identify the problem, explain its effects, discuss possible solutions, and make appropriate decisions concerning future objectives. The circumstance remains challenging because another person’s conduct is creating practical obstacles, but the Practitioner does not need to introduce anger, humiliation, harsh speech, or revenge into the situation in order to respond effectively.

The same principle applies when another person’s conduct is more personally significant. A close friend may repeatedly cancel plans. A life partner may make an important decision without sufficient discussion. A family member may speak harshly. A parent may disagree strongly with the life choices of an adult child. In each case, the external circumstance can be examined accurately. The Practitioner examines whether communication is wise, whether a change in the relationship is wise, or whether the amount of interaction needs to be reconsidered. Harmony does not require denying any of these practical considerations.

What harmony changes is the mental condition through which those decisions are made. A practical challenge does not need to become a reason for hatred. A disagreement does not need to become a personal battle. An unwise decision made by another being does not require the Practitioner to become unwise in response. The Practitioner can examine the circumstance, determine what is wise, and make a decision without allowing the quality of another person’s conduct to dictate the quality of their own.

This distinction also helps explain why a relationship can appear pleasant while significant disharmony remains within the mind. Two people may rarely argue because one person continually suppresses their own views. A family may appear extremely close because everyone is expected to spend nearly all of their free time together and anyone choosing independence is treated as though they have done something wrong. A life partner may appear exceptionally attentive because they are fearful that reduced communication will cause the relationship to end. These external circumstances may produce the appearance of closeness, but the mental qualities supporting them are not wholesome.

The Practitioner therefore learns not to discern harmony within their own relationships solely by appearances. The absence of visible conflict is not sufficient evidence of harmony, and the presence of a challenging circumstance is not sufficient evidence of disharmony. What needs to be understood is the quality of mind, intention, communication, and action that is operating within the Practitioner’s mind.

This provides a much more meaningful foundation for understanding relationships because it allows the Practitioner to distinguish between favorable conditions and wholesome participation. Favorable conditions can change at any time. Wholesome qualities of mind can be intentionally cultivated and increasingly brought into whatever situation arises while the Practitioner maintains a peaceful, calm, serene, and content mind with joy.

Harmony Does Not Mean Avoiding Challenging Conversations

A common misunderstanding can develop when people begin placing greater value on peace and harmony. They may assume that maintaining harmony means avoiding conversations that could become uncomfortable. A person may decide not to express a concern because they do not want disagreement. Someone may agree to a request they consider unwise because they anticipate that the other person may experience disappointment if they decline. A parent may avoid providing guidance to a child because they want the relationship to remain pleasant. A life partner may suppress an important issue because previous conversations about the subject have been difficult.

Avoiding every challenging conversation may temporarily reduce visible conflict, but it does not necessarily develop harmony. Sometimes wisdom necessitates communication. A circumstance may be producing unwholesome results that would be beneficial to discuss. Another person may lack information that could help them make a wiser decision. An agreement may need to be clarified. A repeated pattern of conduct may need to be addressed. A decision may affect several people and therefore need an honest conversation before moving forward.

The difference lies in the role the Practitioner has within each relationship and the ways they choose to participate in the relationship. The Practitioner is not communicating merely because the mind wants the other person to surrender and behave differently. Nor is the Practitioner remaining silent merely because disagreement feels uncomfortable. The goal is to understand what is wise and then communicate according to that wisdom.

This means that harmony can include conversations that are direct and serious. A Teacher may need to explain to a Student that their current understanding is inaccurate and clarify the misunderstanding. A parent may need to explain to a child that a particular action is not wise. A life partner may need to communicate that a repeated decision is creating serious practical challenges. An employer may need to inform an employee that their performance needs to improve. None of these interactions automatically conflicts with harmony.

The question is whether the communication arises from wholesome intentions and whether it is conducted through wise speech and actions.

Clear disagreement and hostility are not the same. Saying that a particular action is unwise is not the same as attacking the worth of the person who performed it. Declining a request is not the same as rejecting the person making the request. Moving on from a relationship is not the same as developing hatred toward the other being.

The Practitioner is learning to separate these things.

This becomes especially important because the desire to keep everyone pleased can itself interfere with wise decision-making. If the Practitioner becomes interested in preventing every other person from experiencing disappointment, disagreement, or dissatisfaction, then decisions may begin to be shaped by the reactions of others rather than by wisdom. A person can spend years agreeing to circumstances they know are unwise simply because they fear conflict.

Harmony does not mean becoming compliant.

It teaches the Practitioner to become wise.

Harmony Does Not Mean Remaining in Every Relationship

The development of harmony can also be misunderstood as an instruction to remain close to every person regardless of their conduct. If the Practitioner understands that the cultivation of their own mind is central to the practice, it might seem that they should simply tolerate whatever another person does and use the relationship as an opportunity for developing their practice. That is not what is being taught.

Wisdom includes making appropriate decisions about who is involved in our lives and how much interaction is wise. People influence one another through their speech, actions, values, and decisions. Some relationships provide considerable support for wholesome conduct and the acquisition of wisdom. Other relationships continually place a person in circumstances involving dishonesty, aggression, heedlessness, deception, or other unwholesome behavior. Recognizing this is not judgment or hatred; it is discernment.

Through wisdom, the Practitioner determines whether continuing a relationship remains wise, whether a professional relationship needs to change, or whether a life partnership needs to end. The amount of contact with a family member may be reduced. A social environment may be left. None of these decisions automatically represents disharmony.

The important distinction is between moving on through wisdom and moving on through anger. A person can leave a relationship while carrying resentment for decades. The external relationship has ended, yet the mind continues participating in the conflict through memory, hostility, blame, or fantasies of revenge. In another circumstance, the Practitioner determines that continuing the relationship is unwise while maintaining loving-kindness and compassion toward the other being.

Harmony does not require permanent proximity.

It concerns the condition of the mind of the Practitioner.

This understanding becomes particularly important later in the book when we examine wholesome friends, choosing a life partner, relationships with Non-Practitioners, and practicing non-attachment with those closest to us. The goal is not to collect as many relationships as possible or preserve every relationship permanently. The goal is to make wise decisions regarding relationships while continuing to cultivate wholesome qualities toward all beings.

A New Way to Measure Success in Relationships

Many people measure the success of an interaction according to the external result that followed. If another person apologized, the conversation was successful. If the child followed the parent’s advice, the guidance worked. If the life partner agreed, the discussion went well. If the friend changed their behavior, the problem was solved. If the coworker adopted the suggested method, the meeting was productive.

These outcomes can certainly be beneficial, but they do not reveal everything about the quality of the interaction.

Imagine a parent who gives an adult child advice concerning a major decision. The parent explains their experience carefully, asks questions, describes possible consequences, and communicates with genuine care. The child understands everything that has been shared and then chooses a different course.

Was the parent unsuccessful?

If success is defined as obtaining compliance, then yes. But if the parent’s goal was to communicate wisdom when there was an open door, remain loving, and understand that the adult child is the decision-maker within their own life, then the interaction was highly successful even though the suggested external outcome did not occur.

The same principle applies to countless relationships. A life partner can communicate a concern wisely and the other person may still disagree. A friend can share useful information and the advice may not be followed. A Teacher can explain a Teaching clearly and the Student may not yet understand it. An employee can offer a thoughtful recommendation and management may choose another direction.

If the Practitioner evaluates every interaction according to whether another being eventually does what the Practitioner wanted, the mind becomes focused primarily on controlling outcomes.

Harmony calls for a different measurement.

The Practitioner begins examining the quality of their own participation in the relationship. Was the circumstance understood as accurately as possible? Were the intentions wholesome? Was the communication wise? Were the actions harmless? Was loving-kindness maintained? Was the Practitioner attempting to understand, or merely attempting to win? Did the final decision arise from wisdom, or from anger, fear, craving, or the interest in controlling another person?

These questions do not remove concern for external results. Results matter. The Natural Law of Kamma is the natural law of cause and effect, or action and result. Wise decisions are cultivated precisely because they produce more wholesome results. But the Practitioner learns that another person’s decision is not within the Practitioner’s control. What can be intentionally developed is the wisdom and conduct the Practitioner brings into the circumstance.

This gives the Practitioner a measurement of progress that is actually trainable.

A conversation may not produce agreement, yet the Practitioner may notice that anger no longer arose as intensely as it once did. A parent may find that they were able to offer advice without repeating it ten times after the child declined. A person who once responded immediately to harsh speech may now wait until the mind is calm before deciding whether communication is even beneficial. A life partner may realize that a disagreement no longer threatens the sense of love within the relationship.

These changes are meaningful because they demonstrate that the decision-maker’s mind is changing.

And when the decision-maker’s mind changes, the decisions and their results begin to change as well.

Harmony as a Life Practice

Harmony in relationships is therefore not a personality trait that some people naturally possess while others do not. It is not simply the result of finding the “right” people. Nor is it a communication technique that can be mastered independently of the condition of the mind. Harmony is developed as part of a comprehensive life practice in which wisdom is acquired, wholesome qualities are cultivated, and unwholesome qualities are gradually eliminated.

This is why The Teachings of The Buddha are so relevant to relationships. They provide considerably more than advice about how two people can resolve disagreements. They explain how the mind functions, why discontentedness arises, why people cling to expectations, why anger develops, why the unEnlightened mind experiences difficulty when circumstances change, and how these causes can be gradually eliminated through training.

The purpose of this book is to apply that wisdom directly to the relationships people experience every day. The Practitioner will learn how to understand change without constantly trying to preserve previous conditions, how to recognize discontentedness without immediately blaming another person, how to distinguish love from attachment, how to communicate without attempting to force agreement, how to understand that other beings are the decision-makers within their own lives, and how to cultivate the mental qualities that support increasingly harmonious interactions.

The development is gradual because the mind itself is being trained. A person may understand an idea intellectually long before they are able to practice it consistently. A Practitioner may understand that disagreement does not necessitate disharmony and still become irritated during a particular conversation. They may understand that another person remains the decision-maker within their own life and still experience anxiety when that decision differs from what they hoped would occur. These experiences do not make The Teachings ineffective. They reveal where further training and wisdom are needed.

Throughout the book, the reader will therefore be encouraged not merely to agree with the ideas being presented but to observe them directly within their own relationships. The value of The Teachings is found through learning, reflection, practice, and ultimately verifying their results through one’s own experience.

Harmony becomes increasingly attainable as these Teachings are practiced. Intellectual learning is important, but the results of developing harmony in relationships are experienced through the practice of these Teachings in everyday life.

The Foundation for What Follows

The foundation established in this chapter is intentionally simple: harmony needs to be understood before the Practitioner can learn how to develop it. The Practitioner is not attempting to arrange other beings into circumstances that continually produce agreement, comfort, or preferred outcomes. The Practitioner is developing the mind from which intentions, communication, actions, and decisions arise. Another being can disagree, change, make their own decisions, or behave unwisely, while the Practitioner continues cultivating wisdom, acting wholesomely, and remaining peaceful and joyful.

The next question is therefore not, “How do I make everyone around me more harmonious?”

The more useful question is: “What wisdom does the Practitioner need in order to understand relationships as they actually are?”

That investigation begins with one of The Natural Laws of Existence that affects every relationship from the moment it begins:

Impermanence.

Chapter 2 will examine why people, circumstances, roles, expectations, and relationships inevitably change—and how acquiring wisdom regarding change fundamentally alters the way the Practitioner experiences relationships.