Why Every Relationship Changes

Every relationship is experienced between beings who are continually changing within circumstances that are also continually changing. This is true whether two people have known each other for several days or several decades. Their bodies change, knowledge changes, interests change, daily activities change, priorities change, and the circumstances surrounding their lives change. The amount of time available for a relationship can increase or decrease. Communication that was once frequent may become occasional. Activities that were once enjoyed together may no longer be of interest to one person. A child becomes an adult. A working parent eventually retires. Friends relocate. Life partners develop new interests. Health changes. Financial circumstances change. People acquire new information and experiences that influence how they understand themselves, other beings, and the world around them.

Many of these changes occur so gradually that they are barely noticed while they are happening. A parent interacting with a child every day does not necessarily observe each small change taking place in the child’s understanding, abilities, interests, and independence. Two life partners living together may not notice subtle changes occurring within each other from month to month, yet after ten or twenty years it becomes obvious that neither person is exactly as they were when the relationship began. Friends who have known each other for decades may look back and recognize that the circumstances surrounding their friendship, the activities they share, and even the frequency with which they communicate have changed many times.

Other changes occur more quickly and become impossible to overlook. A person receives an opportunity to live in another country. A child leaves home. Employment changes. Someone begins a new relationship. A person develops an interest that consumes considerably more of their time. Health circumstances alter what someone is able or interested in doing. A friend who once communicated every day begins communicating only occasionally. A life partner develops different goals for the future. A person simply changes their mind about something that previously appeared settled.

These experiences are not unusual interruptions in otherwise permanent relationships.

They are examples of how relationships actually exist.

The Teachings of The Buddha help the Practitioner understand this through The Universal Truth of Impermanence.

Impermanence: Change Is Normal

Impermanence is one of The Three Universal Truths. Everything within the world is continually changing, and there is no permanent state within conditioned existence. All conditioned objects will change. Material objects change. Bodies change. Thoughts change. Ideas change. Circumstances change. Relationships change. Whatever arises through causes and conditions will change as those causes and conditions change. Something may appear stable for a period of time, but temporary stability is not permanence.

Everything experienced through the eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body, or mind is continually changing. All such experiences arise, change, and eventually cease to exist. The Practitioner can observe and independently verify this Truth through direct experience.

Take a moment to consider the world around you. Can you see how everything is constantly changing?

Understanding this distinction is especially important in relationships because people frequently become accustomed to the circumstances they repeatedly experience. When a particular pattern continues for months or years, the mind can begin treating that pattern as though it represents the permanent form of the relationship. A couple may eat dinner together every evening. Friends may meet every weekend. A parent may speak with an adult child every day. Two people may travel together every year. A family may celebrate particular occasions in the same way for many years. There is nothing unwise about enjoying these experiences. The misunderstanding develops when the continuation of the pattern begins to be regarded as the way the relationship is supposed to remain.

The pattern exists because the causes and conditions that support it are presently available. Two friends meet every Saturday because both are available on Saturdays, live near one another, enjoy the activity they share, and continue choosing to participate in the relationship. If one of those conditions changes, the pattern may change as well. One person may begin working Saturdays. Someone may move. A new interest may develop. Family circumstances may change. The relationship did not suddenly become problematic. The causes and conditions changed, and therefore the experience produced by those causes and conditions changed.

The wisdom of impermanence allows the Practitioner to see change from this broader perspective. Rather than viewing change as evidence that life has departed from the way it was supposed to operate, the Practitioner begins recognizing that change is the way life operates. This understanding becomes particularly valuable because an unEnlightened mind can easily become familiar with temporary circumstances and then begin perceiving their continuation as normal while perceiving their change as the problem.

But change is normal.

Permanence is what was never available in conditioned objects.

Temporary Stability Can Be Mistaken for Permanence

Some relationships contain long periods in which very little appears to change. Two people may live in the same house, follow similar schedules, participate in familiar activities, and interact in much the same way for years. Because the arrangement continues for a long period, it can begin to feel permanent even though every part of the arrangement remains conditioned and impermanent. It will change; it is only a matter of time.

A child may remain close to a parent throughout adolescence, speaking freely and having considerable involvement from the parent. The parent gradually becomes accustomed to this form of the relationship. When the child enters adulthood and begins making more decisions independently, spending greater amounts of time away from the parent, or communicating less frequently, the change can appear dramatic. Yet the child becoming increasingly independent is not a departure from what naturally occurs. Change is normal; it is a Universal Truth. The earlier form of the relationship was temporary, just as the present form is temporary.

The same can occur between life partners. During one period of a relationship, two people may spend most of their available time together because they share similar schedules and interests. Years later, one develops a new interest while the other continues enjoying previous activities. The amount of time spent together changes. Change is normal; it is a Universal Truth. If the earlier arrangement has quietly become the standard against which the relationship is measured, the newer circumstances may be interpreted as evidence that something is wrong. The actual change might simply be that two continually changing beings are no longer interested in participating in every activity together.

Friendships reveal the same process. Two people may become friends while attending school, working at the same location, living in the same neighborhood, or participating in the same activity. The circumstances that initially supported frequent interaction can later disappear. They graduate, change employment, relocate, or develop different interests. The friendship may continue while the frequency and form of interaction changes considerably. Change is normal; it is a Universal Truth.

Wisdom allows the Practitioner to appreciate stability when it is present without mistaking stability for permanence.

That distinction becomes an important part of learning to experience relationships according to the true reality that everything in the material world is continually changing. All conditioned objects are impermanent and will change. Change is normal; it is a Universal Truth.

The Person You Know Is Continually Changing

One of the more subtle challenges within long-term relationships is that the mind develops an image of who another person is. Through repeated interactions, the Practitioner becomes familiar with a person’s interests, habits, communication style, opinions, preferences, abilities, and ways of making decisions. Over time, it becomes easy to think, “I know this person”. Familiarity can then create the impression that the person who is known today will continue possessing the same qualities tomorrow.

But the other being continues living.

They continue encountering experiences the Practitioner may not share. They acquire knowledge from people the Practitioner may never meet. They reflect upon events differently. They develop skills. They make mistakes and learn from some of them. Their interests expand or disappear. Their understanding changes. Their body changes. Their circumstances change. Decisions made today create results that influence decisions made later.

The Practitioner is changing through the same process.

This is why someone can eventually say to a life partner, “You are not the same person you were when we met”.

From the perspective of impermanence, that is true.

The other person is not exactly the person they were when the relationship began, and neither is the Practitioner. Expecting two beings to remain unchanged while both continue experiencing life would conflict with The Natural Laws of Existence.

This does not mean every change is wise. A person can change in ways that lead toward greater wisdom, generosity, loving-kindness, and wholesome conduct, or they can develop habits and patterns that produce increasingly unwholesome results. Impermanence does not teach the Practitioner that every change is beneficial. It helps the Practitioner understand that change is occurring so that the mind does not continue to crave permanence. Wisdom is then used to understand the particular change and determine how to interact with the circumstances that exist now.

The distinction is important. Recognizing impermanence does not remove discernment. It provides the Practitioner with a more accurate foundation from which discernment can occur.

Relating to the Person Who Exists Now

A relationship can become particularly challenging when one person continues relating to another according to who that person used to be. A parent may continue speaking to a forty-year-old child according to the relationship that existed when the child was fifteen. A life partner may expect the other person to remain interested in activities that were important twenty years earlier. A friend may expect the same availability that existed before careers, families, travel, or other interests changed. Someone may continue defining another being according to an unwise decision they made many years earlier even though the person has since acquired considerably more wisdom.

In each of these circumstances, memory can become more influential than the present reality of the relationship.

The Practitioner developing wisdom regarding impermanence learns to observe the being who exists now. What does this person currently understand? What interests do they currently have? How do they currently communicate? What circumstances are currently present in their life? What has changed since an earlier stage of the relationship? These questions allow decisions to be made according to the relationship that actually exists rather than according to a relationship preserved within the memory.

This does not mean forgetting the past. Previous conduct provides useful information. Patterns of behavior can help a Practitioner make wise decisions, and experience with another person can provide valuable insight into how that being tends to act. Wisdom includes learning from previous decisions and results. The difficulty develops when past experience becomes a demand that the person continue being the same or when an earlier version of the relationship is treated as the only acceptable version.

Relationships occur in the present.

The past can provide understanding, but the Practitioner is always interacting with the circumstances that exist now.

Roles Within Relationships Change

Relationships are frequently understood through roles: parent and child, husband and wife, Teacher and Student, employer and employee, friend and friend. These descriptions can be useful because they help identify the form of a relationship and the types of interactions that commonly occur within it. Yet the circumstances associated with these roles also change.

The relationship between a parent and an infant is considerably different from the relationship between a parent and a thirty-year-old adult child. An infant has very little wisdom or ability to make informed decisions and depends heavily upon other beings for daily care. As the child grows, they gradually acquire information, experience, skills, and the ability to make increasingly complex decisions. Eventually, the person who was once a dependent child becomes an adult being directing their own life. The words “parent” and “child” may remain, but the relationship those words describe has changed considerably.

A wise parent therefore does not expect the relationship with an adult child to operate according to the same conditions that existed during childhood. The parent may continue sharing wisdom, providing support, asking questions, and showing genuine care, but the form of interaction naturally changes as the child acquires their own experience and increasingly makes decisions independently.

Life partnerships also move through different circumstances. Two people may initially have relatively few commitments outside the relationship and spend considerable time together. Later there may be children, considerable time devoted to employment, changing financial circumstances, new interests, periods of travel, health changes, or retirement. The form of daily life continually adjusts to the conditions present at each stage.

Friendships can change in similar ways. A close friend who was once involved in daily life may eventually live thousands of kilometers away. Two people may remain genuine friends while speaking only occasionally.

Another friendship may become closer because circumstances bring the people into more frequent interaction. Neither increased nor decreased interaction is permanent.

Wisdom regarding impermanence allows the Practitioner to recognize that the name of a relationship may remain the same even while the lived experience of that relationship changes considerably.

Closeness and Communication Also Change

Frequency of communication can easily become a measurement of relationship quality. When someone communicates often, the relationship may appear close. When communication decreases, the mind can begin interpreting the change as loss of interest, reduced care, rejection, or evidence that the relationship is deteriorating.

The observable circumstance, however, may simply be that communication has changed.

A friend who once called weekly may now call once each month. An adult child may communicate less frequently after moving away. A life partner may become deeply engaged in a new activity and spend more time independently. None of these circumstances by themselves explain what the other person thinks or the quality of the relationship. There may be useful reasons to discuss the change, and additional information may reveal something important, but wisdom begins with seeing the actual circumstance through the understanding that change is normal rather than immediately constructing a conclusion around the change.

The same understanding applies to closeness. People can experience considerable closeness during one stage of life and less closeness during another. They may later become close again. A relationship can move through many forms throughout its existence. The Practitioner who understands impermanence becomes less interested in forcing every relationship to remain at its point of greatest closeness and more capable of understanding the relationship as it exists now.

This does not reduce appreciation for closeness.

It allows closeness to be appreciated without demanding permanence from it since that is impossible.

Two people can deeply appreciate the years during which they communicate every day without concluding that the relationship has failed if circumstances later support less frequent communication. A parent can appreciate the years during which a child needs extensive involvement without interpreting greater independence as the disappearance of love. Life partners can enjoy shared activities while also understanding that their interests may develop in different directions.

The experience within a relationship can be appreciated while it exists.

The appreciation of the relationship does not depend upon its permanence.

Making Decisions Without an Expectation of Permanence

Understanding impermanence does not mean avoiding long-term plans or meaningful relationships. The Teaching does not encourage the Practitioner to withdraw from life simply because circumstances change. A person may decide to marry, raise children, develop friendships, establish a business, participate in a community, plan activities many years into the future, or choose to remain involved with another being throughout life.

The difference is the wisdom through which these decisions are made.

Two people can choose a lifelong partnership while understanding that neither person will remain unchanged throughout that partnership. They can plan a future together while recognizing that circumstances may necessitate changes to those plans. A parent can invest enormous time and effort in helping a child develop while understanding that the child will eventually direct their own life. Friends can plan traditions and shared activities while knowing that the conditions supporting those activities will not remain permanently unchanged.

Impermanence does not make planning meaningless.

It makes wisdom important within planning so that wiser decisions can be made.

Plans are made based upon the conditions that can reasonably be understood at the time. When those conditions change, the Practitioner can examine the new circumstances and make another decision. This approach is considerably different from developing a plan and then thinking that reality is somehow obligated to preserve the conditions necessary for that plan to occur exactly as originally imagined.

Consider two people who establish a routine of spending every weekend together. At the time, both enjoy the arrangement and the circumstances make it practical. Several years later, one person develops an activity that occurs on Saturdays. The earlier routine can no longer continue in exactly the same form. The Practitioner who understands impermanence does not need to immediately interpret this as damage to the relationship or a problem. The more useful investigation is: What circumstances exist now, and what would be a wise way to interact within those circumstances?

That question directs attention toward the present rather than toward restoring the past.

Appreciating What Is Present Without Demanding Its Continuation

Impermanence can initially sound as though it diminishes the importance of relationships because everything eventually changes. In practice, wisdom regarding impermanence can produce the opposite result. Understanding that an experience will not last forever allows the Practitioner to appreciate what is present without assuming that there will always be another opportunity.

A conversation with a parent is not guaranteed to occur again indefinitely. A child will not remain at a particular age. A friendship will not always exist in its present form. The body of a life partner will change. The places people live will change. Eventually, every relationship as presently experienced will change and ultimately cease.

This reality does not necessitate sadness or fear.

It provides perspective.

When the Practitioner understands that the present circumstance is temporary, there is less reason to treat ordinary experiences carelessly. A meal together can be appreciated because it is occurring now. A conversation can receive full attention because there will not be an unlimited number of conversations. Time with another being can be enjoyed without attempting to possess the person or freeze the relationship into its current form.

The wisdom being developed is the ability to appreciate an experience while it is present without turning appreciation into an expectation that the experience continue permanently.

A family can enjoy eating together without thinking family closeness depends upon always eating together. Friends can enjoy frequent communication without deciding that the friendship is threatened if communication later decreases. Two people can enjoy traveling together without thinking that future interests will always remain identical.

Impermanence does not remove enjoyment.

It removes the false assumption that enjoyment becomes secure by making its circumstances permanent because that is impossible.

When Relationships Change Form

Not every relationship ends simply because circumstances change. Many relationships continue for an entire lifetime while repeatedly changing form. A parent-child relationship becomes a relationship between two adults. A friendship that once involved daily interaction becomes occasional contact but a meaningful friendship. A life partnership that once revolved around raising children changes when the children leave home. Former coworkers may remain friends after employment no longer brings them together.

Other relationships eventually cease to exist. Two people decide not to continue a life partnership. A friendship gradually ends. Someone moves and contact eventually disappears. A professional relationship concludes. Death brings the present form of a relationship to an end.

Impermanence includes all of these possibilities.

The Practitioner developing wisdom does not begin by deciding that a relationship has succeeded only if it remains unchanged or continues for the maximum possible amount of time. Duration alone does not determine the quality of a relationship. A relationship that lasts fifty years can contain considerable unwholesomeness, while a relationship that lasts only a few years may provide both beings with meaningful opportunities to cultivate wisdom and wholesome qualities.

The existence of change therefore does not automatically mean something went wrong.

A relationship changes because the causes and conditions supporting its previous form have changed. This is the natural way the world operates due to impermanence. Change is normal; it is a Universal Truth.

Wisdom allows the Practitioner to examine what exists now, learn from what has occurred, and decide how to proceed without first demanding that the relationship return to an earlier form.

Acquiring Wisdom Rather Than Merely “Accepting Change”

There is an important difference between acquiring wisdom regarding impermanence and simply telling oneself to “accept change” after an unwanted change has already occurred.

If the mind first assumes that a relationship, person, activity, or circumstance will remain relatively unchanged and then reality eventually contradicts that assumption, the Practitioner is continually attempting to adjust after the misunderstanding has already developed. Each change becomes another event that needs to be “accepted”.

The deeper development is to understand impermanence before the particular change occurs.

A parent knows that the child will change before the child becomes independent. A life partner understands that interests, bodies, health, activities, and circumstances will change before a specific change appears. A friend understands that the present frequency of communication is temporary even while communication remains frequent. The Practitioner appreciates the circumstances present now without constructing an expectation of permanence around them.

The progression can be understood in this way:

Acquire wisdom regarding impermanence -> understand change as normal and natural -> eliminate expectations of permanence -> make wiser decisions based upon how the world actually operates.

This is considerably different from passively tolerating whatever happens. The Practitioner continues making decisions, planning, communicating, observing results, and using discernment. The difference is that those decisions are increasingly based upon an accurate understanding of The Natural Laws of Existence rather than an expectation that an impermanent world provide permanent circumstances.

The practical evidence that this wisdom is developing will be found in how the Practitioner responds when circumstances eventually change.

Can a changed routine be examined without immediately concluding that the relationship has become worse?

Can another person develop a new interest without that difference automatically becoming evidence that the people are growing apart?

Can a child become increasingly independent without the parent trying to restore the earlier parent-child relationship?

Can a friendship become less frequent without immediately concluding that care has disappeared?

Can the Practitioner understand the person who exists now rather than continually comparing them with who they were years earlier?

These circumstances reveal whether impermanence is merely information the Practitioner has learned or wisdom that is beginning to influence decisions.

Living According to the Relationship That Exists Now

Every relationship exists under present causes and conditions. The past helped produce those conditions, and present decisions will influence what occurs next, but the Practitioner can only make a decision within the circumstances that exist now.

This is one of the most practical results of acquiring wisdom regarding impermanence. The Practitioner becomes less interested in attempting to preserve a relationship exactly as it once existed and increasingly capable of understanding what the relationship has become. The question changes from “How do I get things back to the way they were?” to “What is occurring now, and what would be a wise way to proceed from here?”.

Sometimes the wise decision may include restoring an activity that has been neglected. Two people may recognize that they value spending more time together and intentionally arrange their lives differently. Sometimes the wise decision may be allowing a new form of the relationship to develop. Sometimes a conversation reveals that both people are comfortable with less frequent interaction. Sometimes one person is developing in a direction the other is not interested in following. Sometimes the current circumstances reveal that it is no longer wise to continue a relationship in its previous form.

Impermanence does not predetermine which decision is wise.

It helps the Practitioner see the circumstances accurately enough to make a wise decision.

The Practitioner is not trying to prevent change. The Practitioner is developing wisdom so that when change occurs, decisions can be made according to true reality rather than according to an insistence that the past be restored.

The Wisdom Being Developed

Chapter 1 of this book established what harmony in relationships means. This chapter begins explaining the wisdom that makes such harmony possible. Every being the Practitioner encounters will change. Every relationship will change. The activities, routines, communication patterns, roles, interests, and circumstances associated with those relationships will change. Some changes will be welcomed. Others will not correspond with what the Practitioner would have chosen.

Impermanence itself is not the problem to be eliminated.

Impermanence is a Universal Truth to be understood and directly observed so that wisdom can be developed.

As the Practitioner acquires wisdom regarding this Truth, relationships can increasingly be experienced according to how they actually exist rather than according to an imagined permanent form. The Practitioner can appreciate present circumstances without assuming they will remain, recognize that another being will continue changing, adjust to changing roles and patterns of interaction, and make decisions using the circumstances available now.

The goal is not simply learning to tolerate change.

The goal is to understand change so thoroughly that the Practitioner no longer builds relationships upon an expectation of permanence.

This brings us to the next area of investigation. Understanding that a person or relationship will change explains what is occurring in the external circumstance, but another question remains: Why does the unEnlightened mind experience discontentedness when circumstances change in ways it did not want?

The answer takes the Practitioner deeper into the mind itself.

Chapter 3 will examine why another person does not cause the Practitioner’s discontentedness, how conditioned feelings arise, and how The Four Noble Truths explain the cause of that experience.