Reside with a Mind of a Newly Arrived Bride

Monks, when a bride is first brought into the home, whether at night or during the day, at first she sets up a diligent sense of moral wrongdoing and moral concern toward her mother-in-law, her father-in-law, her husband, and even the slaves, workers, and servants.

But after some time, as a result of living together and intimacy with them, she says to her mother-in-law, her father-in-law, and her husband: ‘Go away! What do you know?’

So too, when some Monk here has gone forth from the household life into homelessness, whether by night or during the day, at first he sets up a diligent sense of moral wrongdoing and moral concern toward the male Ordained Practitioners, the female Ordained Practitioners, the male Household Practitioners, the female Household Practitioners, and even toward the monastery workers and novices.

But after some time, as a result of living together and intimacy with them, he says even to his Teacher and his preceptor: ‘Go away! What do you know?’

Therefore, Monks, you should train yourselves thus: We will reside with a mind like that of a newly arrived bride. It is in such a way that you should train yourselves.

(Reference: AN 4.73)

In this Teaching from Gotama Buddha, he shares how an individual can take the closeness of relationships for granted and begin to push away those people who are capable of helping you.

A “preceptor” is one who supports you in the ordination process. Today, if one was to ordain, then you’d need ten (10) preceptors to support you to ordain. Without this support from existing Ordained Practitioners, one would be unable to ordain.

Gotama Buddha uses the analogy of a “newly arrived bride” who becomes accustomed to her “mother-in-law, her father-in-law, and her husband” eventually pushing them away with ego, thinking they know nothing.

But a “newly arrived bride” would have “a diligent sense of moral wrongdoing and moral concern toward her mother-in-law, her father-in-law, her husband, and even the slaves, workers, and servants” looking to get along with others to live in harmony.

The Buddha advises his Students to reside much like that of a “newly arrived bride” being humble with an interest to live in harmony feeling gratitude and appreciation for those who are there to support and encourage you in life.

If you treated your family and friends with harshness pushing them away, then you would lack the support and guidance needed in this life to develop towards an improved life.

Instead of pushing away the elders in our communities and families, we should embrace them with gratitude and appreciation with an interest to learn and grow from the wisdom they are capable of sharing. Through pushing away our elders, we are eliminating the ability of wisdom to flow into the new generation building upon the successes of our ancestors. This would create a population of people whose minds would become less and less wise finding it difficult and a real struggle to exist in the world through a lack of wisdom - ignorance or the unknowing of true reality would prevail. In order to make wise decisions leading to wholesome outcomes, one needs to cultivate wisdom. This would be impossible to accomplish if one pushes away their elders and those who are most interested in supporting and encouraging you.

If we have gratitude and appreciation for our elders while being polite, kind, friendly, and respectful, then the wisdom of our elders can continue to help countless beings grow and prosper.

Someday, we will all be an elder. How we treat our elders is teaching the next generation how to treat us. If we treat our elders with politeness, kindness, friendliness, and respectful, we will experience the next generation having an interest in treating us in this same way.

The Natural Law of Kamma is “cause and effect” or “action and results” - essentially, the results of our decisions. Through treating our elders and the new generation respectfully, that is exactly what we will experience as we age.

Detailed explanation of moral wrongdoing and moral concern is available in this same book series found in Chapter 25 of the book “Generosity” (Volume 13).

Why Did The Buddha Teach to “Reside with a Mind of a Newly Arrived Bride”?

A Student’s mind, who is learning and actively practicing the “true” Teachings of The Buddha will experience significant progress. The mind will become more peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy. Their relationships will significantly improve. They will notice more gladness, cheerfulness, and concentration in their mind, among many other important qualities.

As this is occurring, based on a Teacher’s Teachings, it is possible that a Student’s mind has conceit arise thinking “I am better than others”.

The mind can do this not only towards other Students but, towards the very Teacher who has shared The Teachings that led to the Student’s progress.

At that time, due to the Student’s ego, it can think negatively of the very Teacher who helped that Student to experience progress on The Path to Enlightenment. As The Buddha shares, the Student can possibly think, “Go away! What do you know?”, even towards the very person who helped the Student to experience progress in their life.

Therefore, The Buddha taught The Teachings on “Residing with a Mind of a Newly Arrived Bride” to assist a Student in “keeping their ego in check”.

However, even with someone having deeply investigated The Teachings and practiced them to a certain degree, this is sometimes easier said than done.

It is important, that as you progress on The Path to Enlightenment, no matter how much progress you make, that you reside with a mind as a newly arrived bride. This will ensure, the ego does not arise in your relationship with your Teacher and that you can continue to make forward progress on The Path to Enlightenment.

Otherwise, if your ego arises in your relationship with your Teacher, you might choose to push away the very person who has helped you to gain progress on The Path to Enlightenment, with no further opportunities to learn and grow in developing your life practice towards the attainment of Enlightenment.