Choosing a Life Partner: Wisdom Before Commitment

The previous chapter examined the importance of wisely choosing friends and associates because the beings a person repeatedly involves in their life can influence the circumstances they encounter, the activities in which they participate, the information they receive, and the decisions they will eventually need to make. A friend does not control the Practitioner, transfer Kamma to them, or make decisions on their behalf, yet the Practitioner’s own decision to establish and maintain a close association can bring particular circumstances, influences, opportunities, and challenges into daily life. This same understanding becomes considerably more consequential when deciding whether one particular being should become a life partner because that person may eventually participate in nearly every major area of life, including the home, finances, family, children, sexual conduct, travel, health, employment decisions, long-term plans, and countless ordinary circumstances encountered from one day to the next.

For a person who is interested in developing a life partnership, selecting a life partner is one of the more consequential relationship decisions they can make. A wise selection can contribute to a life filled with companionship, enjoyment, support, growth, True Love, and increasingly harmonious participation, while an unwise selection can repeatedly place both people into circumstances involving conflict, blame, stagnation, hostility, attachment, controlling conduct, and discontentedness. The Practitioner is not attempting to predict every future circumstance because that would be impossible in an impermanent world. Instead, the Practitioner is attempting to acquire enough information about the person’s present qualities, patterns of decision-making, interest in growth, and way of interacting with other beings to make the wisest decision reasonably possible according to the circumstances that exist now.

Selecting a Life Partner Is Like Selecting the CEO of a Multimillion-Dollar Company

Imagine that you had spent many years building a company and invested several million dollars developing it. The company has become successful, valuable, and important to you, but it has now grown to a point where you need to select a Chief Executive Officer, or CEO, who will participate in leading the organization. You would probably not meet someone for dinner, enjoy their personality, become impressed by their appearance, experience pleasant conversation for several evenings, and then immediately place your multimillion-dollar company under their leadership. The significance of the position would encourage you to slow down, acquire information, observe the person carefully, and understand how they make decisions before giving them considerable involvement in something you have spent years developing.

You would be interested to know much more than whether the person makes a favorable first impression. You would be interested in their character, decision-making, moral conduct, ability to communicate, willingness to learn, capacity to solve problems, treatment of other people, response to disagreement, ability to acknowledge mistakes, and the way they behave when circumstances do not unfold according to plan. You would be interested to know whether they seek guidance when they lack knowledge or whether ego prevents them from admitting that someone else may understand something they do not yet understand. You would examine whether they learn from unfavorable results or repeatedly produce the same problems while blaming everyone around them. The future success of the company could be significantly affected by whom you place into such an influential position, so taking time to make the selection would be a decision that needs to be based in wisdom rather than a decision made quickly.

Selecting a life partner deserves at least this degree of careful consideration. The analogy does not mean that one life partner is the CEO of the other person, that either being manages the relationship, or that one person possesses authority over the other. Two beings remain two equal beings, each possessing their own life, making their own decisions, and experiencing the results of those decisions. The analogy is useful because it reveals how differently people can approach these two decisions. Someone may spend months conducting interviews, checking references, examining experience, and discussing qualifications before selecting a person to lead a business, yet make the considerably more intimate decision of selecting a life partner primarily because they experience strong attraction, conditioned pleasant feelings, loneliness, sexual interest, pressure to marry, or excitement associated with a new relationship.

A life partner may eventually influence considerably more of the Practitioner’s daily circumstances than the CEO of any company. The person may sleep beside the Practitioner, share meals, participate in financial decisions, interact with family, help raise children, make decisions involving the home, participate in health circumstances, travel together, experience periods of financial challenges, and share countless ordinary days for many years. The Practitioner would therefore be wise to treat the selection with patience and discernment, taking enough time to learn the person before allowing craving/desire/attachment or conditioned pleasant feelings to rush the mind toward a commitment that has not yet been supported by sufficient wisdom.

A Life Partner Is a Choice, Not a Requirement

Not every being will be interested in developing a life partnership, and there is nothing within the development of harmony that requires a Practitioner to acquire one. A life partnership is one possible form of relationship that a person may choose to include within their life, but it is not a requirement for experiencing peace, joy, True Love, meaningful relationships, personal development, or progress along The Path to Enlightenment. Some people may be deeply interested in sharing daily life with one particular being, while others may prefer to live independently and direct greater amounts of their time, effort, and energy toward learning, practice, family, friendships, service, work, travel, creative interests, or other areas of life. Neither circumstance, by itself, determines the quality of the person’s mind or the wisdom of the life they are developing.

The unEnlightened mind can easily acquire the idea that having a life partner is something a person is supposed to accomplish. Family traditions, cultural expectations, social customs, friends, media, or observations of other people’s lives may contribute to the impression that adulthood should naturally progress toward dating, partnership, marriage, and perhaps children. A person may then begin pursuing a life partner not because they have carefully determined that a shared life is something they are genuinely interested in developing, but because they think that remaining without a partner means something is missing from their life. If the mind begins thinking, “I should have someone,” “Everyone else has someone,” “I am getting older and need to find someone,” or “I cannot be happy unless I have a partner,” the Practitioner would be wise to investigate the craving/desire/attachment contained within those thoughts rather than immediately attempting to satisfy them through acquiring a relationship.

The decision not to establish a life partnership can therefore be just as worthy of wisdom and careful consideration as the decision to establish one. A person may presently recognize that they are content living independently, have no genuine interest in romantic or sexual partnership, prefer to devote their life to other wholesome objectives, or simply have not encountered a being with whom developing a shared life would presently be wise. None of these circumstances needs to be treated as a temporary problem requiring correction. The Practitioner can examine their own interests, present circumstances, goals, and understanding and then make the decision that appears most wise without comparing their life to the lives of other beings or attempting to fulfill someone else’s expectations.

This also means that a person does not need to acquire a life partner in order to eliminate loneliness, experience True Love, or create a peaceful and joyful life. If loneliness or discontentedness arises while living without a partner, acquiring another person is not the method for eliminating the cause of that discontentedness. The cause still exists within craving/desire/attachment in the mind and needs to be understood and eliminated through practice. A relationship may temporarily provide circumstances in which the craving is satisfied and conditioned pleasant feelings arise, but that is different from eliminating the craving itself. The Practitioner who learns to remain peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy whether a life partner is present or absent becomes considerably better positioned to decide wisely whether developing a partnership would actually enhance the quality of their life.

If the Practitioner does decide that they are interested in developing a life partnership, the remainder of this chapter provides guidance for making that decision wisely. If they decide that a life partnership is not something they are interested in developing, they can continue cultivating wholesome relationships with family, friends, Teachers, Students, coworkers, community members, and all other beings while walking The Path to Enlightenment. The objective of the life practice is not to acquire a particular type of relationship. The objective is to train the mind so that the Practitioner can interact with all beings through wisdom, wholesome intentions, wise communication, harmless actions, and True Love.

There Is No Hurry to Acquire a Life Partner

A craving to have a life partner can itself interfere with the ability to select one wisely. The mind may become focused primarily on obtaining the relationship rather than learning whether the particular relationship would be wholesome. Someone may feel lonely and conclude that almost any relationship would be preferable to being without one. Another person may be approaching an age when they would like to have children and begin feeling pressure to make a quick decision. Family members may repeatedly ask when the person will marry. Friends may appear to be establishing families while the Practitioner remains single. The mind can compare its circumstances with the lives of others and begin developing an increasingly strong craving to obtain what it thinks is missing.

When the mind is operating through this craving, discernment can become weakened because the primary objective has already been decided: obtain a life partner. The Practitioner may then give less careful consideration to the person standing before them because the mind is more interested in satisfying its craving than in understanding who that person actually is. Qualities that would normally create concern can be minimized, rationalized, or ignored because acknowledging them could interfere with developing the relationship. The Practitioner may begin telling themselves that the person will probably change after marriage, become more interested in learning later, eventually stop blaming others, or develop better communication once the relationship becomes more established. Instead of selecting the person who actually exists, the mind begins selecting an imagined future version of the person.

Wisdom takes a different approach. The Practitioner understands that there is no benefit in rushing into a life partnership simply to satisfy a craving to possess one. The purpose is not to acquire the title of husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner as quickly as possible. The purpose is to determine whether two beings can wisely develop a shared life in which both continue learning, growing, communicating, solving challenges, and supporting one another while maintaining their own peaceful, calm, serene, and content minds with joy. Taking additional time before making such a consequential decision is considerably easier than spending years attempting to repair difficulties that could have been observed before the commitment was made.

The Perfect Partner Does Not Exist

Another misunderstanding that can interfere with wise selection is the idea that a perfect partner exists somewhere in the world and merely needs to be found. The mind may develop an increasingly detailed picture of this imaginary person: a particular physical appearance, personality, occupation, income, education, family background, set of interests, style of communication, amount of affection, sexual behavior, social life, or countless other criteria. The more detailed the mental image becomes, the easier it is for the Practitioner to begin comparing real human beings against an imagined person who has never actually existed outside the mind.

The idea of a “soul mate” can create a similar misunderstanding. There is not one particular being somewhere in the world who has been predetermined to perfectly complete another person or with whom a harmonious life partnership is somehow guaranteed. Believing that someone is a soul mate can cause the mind to overlook the reality that both beings remain individual, impermanent, and continually developing. It may also encourage attachment by giving the relationship a special status that the mind then feels compelled to preserve, even when present decisions and results indicate that the relationship is no longer developing wisely. Rather than searching for a predetermined person who is supposedly meant to complete one’s life, the Practitioner learns the person who actually exists, observes their qualities and patterns of decision-making, and uses wisdom to determine whether the two beings can develop a wholesome and harmonious life partnership together.

Even if someone appeared to match all of the criteria when the relationship began, that person would not remain unchanged. Their appearance will change through aging. Employment and financial circumstances can change. Interests may develop in new directions. Health may change what activities are possible. Knowledge, understanding, priorities, friendships, family circumstances, and daily activities will continue changing because both beings remain subject to The Universal Truth of Impermanence. Chapter 2 of this book has already examined this Teaching in detail, so the important application here is recognizing that a life partner cannot wisely be selected according to the expectation that the person observed today will remain permanently in the same condition.

The Practitioner is therefore not looking for a perfect partner. The Practitioner is looking for a person who understands that they are still developing and who possesses qualities that support continued development as life changes. Someone who knows they are a work in progress can continue learning. Someone who understands that the cause of their discontentedness exists within their own mind can continue training the mind instead of continually blaming the person beside them. Someone who actively seeks guidance can acquire wisdom when new challenges arise. These qualities do not make the person perfect, but they create the conditions through which the individual and the relationship can continue improving rather than becoming stagnant.

The Practitioner also needs to understand that they are bringing an imperfect, developing mind into a relationship. It would be unwise for the Practitioner to expect a life partner to be patient with every one of the Practitioner’s areas of development while the Practitioner becomes irritated whenever the life partner needs to focus on their own areas of development. Both individuals are works in progress prior to Enlightenment. Both will make unwise decisions at times, misunderstand circumstances, lack wisdom in certain areas, and encounter challenges they have not yet learned how to resolve. The useful question is not whether imperfections exist, because they will. The more useful question is how each person responds when an area needing development becomes visible.

Three Important Qualities to Look for in a Life Partner

Among the many characteristics that can be observed when learning a potential life partner, three qualities are particularly important because they strongly influence whether the individual is likely to continue developing throughout life. The first is that the person understands they are a work in progress and are not perfect. The second is that they do not continually blame other beings for the discontentedness arising within their own mind and are developing an accurate understanding of where those feelings originate. The third is that they are actively seeking guidance, wisdom, and opportunities for inner growth rather than merely claiming they would be willing to learn if guidance happens to arrive.

These three qualities are interconnected. Recognizing that one is a work in progress opens the mind to the possibility that additional wisdom is needed. Understanding that the cause of discontentedness exists within one’s own mind provides a reason to investigate and train that mind rather than endlessly attempting to change other people. Actively seeking guidance then supplies the knowledge and direction needed to continue developing. When these three qualities operate together, an individual has a pathway through which challenges can become opportunities to acquire wisdom and unwise patterns of decisions can gradually be understood, changed, and improved.

The opposite combination produces a very different trajectory. When a person has little interest in examining their own understanding, continues directing attention toward what other people are doing wrong, and does not actively seek the wisdom needed for improvement, the same unwise patterns can continue for years. New circumstances arise, but they are interpreted through the same limited understanding, so the same arguments recur, the same blame returns, and the same unfavorable results continue appearing. Instead of using these experiences as opportunities to acquire wisdom, the individual repeatedly encounters similar difficulties without developing the understanding needed to move beyond them.

These three qualities can therefore lead to two very different directions within a life partnership. A person who thinks they have little to learn, continually blames others for their discontentedness, and remains uninterested in seeking guidance will have limited opportunities for meaningful inner development. Their life can become increasingly stagnant, and that stagnation will inevitably influence the relationship. By contrast, a person who recognizes that they are a work in progress, understands that their discontentedness arises from within their own mind, and actively seeks guidance for continued growth possesses qualities that can support ongoing development throughout life. When both partners cultivate these qualities, they create a considerably stronger foundation for developing a peaceful, enjoyable, loving, and harmonious life together.

Knowing You Are a Work in Progress

A person who understands they are a work in progress possesses an important foundation for acquiring wisdom because they are capable of recognizing that their current understanding may be incomplete. They do not need to approach life from the assumption that every opinion they presently hold is correct, every decision they make is wise, or every difficulty they encounter must have been caused by someone else. When an unfavorable result appears, the person can investigate what happened and become interested in what they may not yet understand. This does not require low self-esteem, self-criticism, or continually doubting every decision. It necessitates enough humility to recognize the simple reality that an unEnlightened being still has much wisdom to acquire.

This quality becomes highly valuable within a life partnership because shared life will continually reveal areas in which one or both people lack wisdom. A financial decision may produce an unplanned result. Communication may be unclear. One person may misunderstand an agreement. A disagreement may reveal ego or attachment. A pattern involving family members may create challenges that neither partner knows how to resolve. Children may present circumstances the couple has never previously encountered. Illness, employment changes, relocation, aging, or other situations may need entirely new skills. No couple begins a relationship already possessing complete wisdom regarding every circumstance they will experience throughout the remainder of life.

When a person understands they are a work in progress, discovering that they were mistaken does not need to become a threat to their self image. They can acknowledge that their understanding was incomplete, seek additional information, and make a different decision. They can listen when the other person identifies a concern without immediately interpreting the conversation as an attack. They can recognize that changing their mind after acquiring new information is not weakness but evidence that additional wisdom has been acquired. A relationship between two beings capable of doing this can continue evolving because both minds remain open to learning.

The opposite pattern can cause the individual’s life to become stagnant. If the person is strongly attached to always being correct, every unfavorable result needs another explanation that preserves the self image. The partner becomes wrong. The employer becomes unfair. The family becomes unreasonable. The friend becomes difficult. The circumstances become the problem. Guidance is dismissed because accepting it would require admitting that something was not previously understood. Over time, the person may continue accumulating experiences without acquiring much wisdom from those experiences because the mind is primarily interested in protecting its existing view rather than learning from the results of its decisions.

That stagnation eventually enters the partnership. The other person may repeatedly identify the same pattern, yet nothing changes because the individual sees no reason to investigate themselves. Conversations become repetitive because one person is attempting to solve a problem while the other is attempting to prove that no problem exists within their own conduct. Years can pass while the same difficulties continue appearing in slightly different circumstances. The relationship then becomes stagnant not because change has ceased in the world, but because one or both people have ceased using changing circumstances as opportunities to acquire wisdom.

For this reason, the Practitioner would be wise to not merely ask a potential life partner whether they think they are imperfect. Most people might easily say that they are not perfect. The more useful observation is what happens when an actual imperfection becomes visible. Can the person acknowledge a mistake? Can they say that they do not know something? Can they ask for help? Can they receive information from someone with greater experience? Can they change their approach after seeing that the previous decision produced unfavorable results? These behaviors demonstrate that the recognition of being a work in progress is actually influencing their decisions and how they live their life.

Does the Person Blame Others for Their Discontentedness?

The second important quality concerns an understanding that has already been developed throughout this book: other beings do not insert anger, frustration, irritation, jealousy, sadness, loneliness, resentment, or other conditioned feelings into one’s own mind. External circumstances can provide contact through The Six Sense Bases, but the discontentedness experienced by the unEnlightened mind is produced through craving/desire/attachment arising within the mind. Chapter 3 of this book examined why another person does not cause the Practitioner’s discontentedness, so the purpose here is not to teach that foundation again but to apply it when learning a potential life partner.

One of the more useful things the Practitioner can learn is how the potential life partner understands their own difficult feelings. This does not necessitate an interrogation or attempting to determine whether the person can provide the “correct” answer. Instead, ordinary conversations while learning each other can reveal how the person presently understands the functioning of their own mind. One particularly useful question is, “When you get angry, what causes that?” The answer can provide considerable insight because someone who has not yet developed wisdom regarding the cause of discontentedness may immediately point toward external circumstances: “I become angry when someone disrespects me,” “I become angry when people do not listen,” “I become angry when someone lies to me,” or “I become angry when another person does something I do not like”. Their answer reveals that they presently understand the external circumstance to be the cause of the anger rather than recognizing the craving/desire/attachment within their own mind that is producing the discontentedness.

The purpose of asking this question is not to determine that the person is unsuitable simply because they do not yet possess the wisdom developed through The Four Noble Truths. Most people in the world have been taught, directly or indirectly, that other people and external circumstances cause their feelings and emotions. A potential life partner may therefore answer the question according to that understanding simply because they have never been introduced to the truth found in The Teachings of The Buddha. The more useful observation is what happens when the subject is explored further. If the Practitioner explains that another person’s conduct can certainly create an external circumstance that may need to be addressed, while the anger itself arises through craving/desire/attachment within one’s own mind, does the person become interested in understanding more? Do they ask questions? Do they reflect on previous experiences? Can they begin considering the possibility that if the cause of anger exists within their own mind, then they may also possess the ability to eliminate that cause rather than spending the remainder of life attempting to control everyone around them? Are they interested in acquiring wisdom that could help them become free from repeatedly experiencing the same discontentedness?

The answer to “When you get angry, what causes that?” is therefore useful for more than discovering what the person presently understands. It also creates an opportunity to observe how they respond when presented with information that differs from their existing view. A person may initially locate the cause of anger entirely outside themselves but then become genuinely interested in learning, reflecting, and investigating their own experience. That response demonstrates something very different from a person who insists that other beings are unquestionably responsible for their anger and has no interest in examining another possibility. The Practitioner is not searching for someone who already possesses complete wisdom. The Practitioner is learning whether the person has the qualities that will allow additional wisdom to be acquired.

A person who continually blames others and has no interest in examining the mind will have great difficulty eliminating their discontentedness because they are searching for the cause in the wrong place. As long as anger is understood to be caused by the partner, the apparent solution will be changing the partner. As long as loneliness is understood to be caused by insufficient attention, the apparent solution will be demanding more attention. As long as jealousy is attributed to another person’s conduct, the apparent solution will be controlling that conduct. As long as frustration is blamed on disagreement, the apparent solution will be obtaining agreement. The individual can therefore spend years attempting to arrange people and circumstances according to the mind’s cravings while never eliminating the craving that is actually producing the discontentedness.

Within a life partnership, the partner can become the most frequent target of this misunderstanding because the two people participate in so many shared circumstances. If the individual becomes angry, the life partner is blamed. If they become disappointed, the partner did not provide what was expected. If they become jealous, the partner is instructed to change their conduct. If they become lonely, the partner is expected to increase communication or time together. The relationship can gradually become organized around preventing one person from experiencing discontentedness, yet the other person can never permanently succeed because no external being can satisfy every craving of another mind throughout an impermanent life.

The relationship then stagnates for the same reason the individual stagnates: the actual cause remains unexamined. The partner may change behavior repeatedly in an attempt to produce peace, but every satisfied craving can eventually be replaced by another craving. Expectations increase, circumstances change, and conditioned painful feelings arise again. Resentment and hostility can gradually develop because one person thinks the other is continually failing them, while the other person experiences the exhausting task of attempting to maintain someone else’s peace through external behavior.

When both individuals are learning that the cause of their own discontentedness exists within their own mind, the relationship can function very differently. If irritation arises during a disagreement, the Practitioner might still choose to discuss the practical issue while also investigating why the mind needed agreement. If disappointment arises because plans changed, the person is able to communicate the new circumstances while examining the expectation that the original plan needed to occur. If jealousy arises, the feeling becomes information about craving/desire/attachment within the mind rather than automatic evidence that the partner needs to be controlled.

This does not remove practical decision-making from the relationship. A partner can make an unwise decision, not honor agreements, speak harshly, or behave in a manner that makes continued participation unwise. The Practitioner can identify those circumstances accurately and make decisions regarding them. The distinction is that the Practitioner does not confuse the other person’s conduct with the cause of the conditioned feeling arising within their own mind. A potential life partner who is beginning to understand this distinction possesses an important foundation for continued development because challenges can be addressed externally while each person also trains the mind internally. Both partners can understand that while external circumstances may need to improve, that is not going to eliminate the mind’s discontentedness. Therefore, they can each apply effort to eliminate the cause of their discontentedness, the cravings/desires/attachments within their own mind, while also making wise decisions to improve what they experience on a daily basis.

Actively Seeking Guidance, Wisdom, and Inner Growth

The third quality goes beyond merely acknowledging that one is a work in progress. A person can admit they are imperfect, recognize that their mind needs development, and still remain largely inactive about acquiring the wisdom needed to improve. Someone may say, “I know I have things to work on,” year after year while doing very little actual work. They may be willing to receive guidance if it appears conveniently and does not challenge their mind too much, but they do not seek knowledge, ask questions, find Teachers, examine their decisions, or pursue resources that could help them develop.

For this reason, the quality to look for is not merely willingness to learn. The stronger quality is that the person is actively seeking guidance, wisdom, and opportunities for inner growth and development. When they recognize that they do not understand something, they take action to learn. When the same unfavorable result repeatedly appears, they become interested in discovering the cause. When another person possesses greater wisdom in an area, they are willing to ask for guidance. When they encounter a challenge that exceeds their present knowledge, they search for information, a Teacher, a course, a book, experienced guidance, or another wholesome means through which greater understanding can be acquired.

Seeking guidance necessitates a reduction of ego because the person needs to acknowledge that there is something they do not yet understand and that another being may possess wisdom they have not yet acquired. Personal existence view can produce attachment to a self image of being intelligent, independent, knowledgeable, successful, or capable of solving everything alone, while conceit can make the mind resistant to learning from someone it regards as equal or inferior. A person who is sincerely interested in growth becomes less concerned with protecting the appearance that they already know and more interested in obtaining the wisdom they actually need.

This quality is particularly important in a long-term relationship because life will continually present new circumstances that neither partner has previously encountered. Two people may understand their current finances but later need to make decisions regarding a home, children, retirement, caring for aging parents, or an unexpected loss of income. They may communicate well under ordinary circumstances but later encounter a family conflict needing greater skillfulness. One person may develop a health challenge that changes daily life. The couple may relocate, change careers, begin a business, raise children, or encounter entirely new responsibilities. A person who has already established the ability to seek guidance can continue acquiring wisdom as life changes instead of pretending that yesterday’s understanding is sufficient for every future circumstance.

The opposite quality creates stagnation. If an individual recognizes difficulties but does not seek guidance, the same limitations remain in place. They may complain repeatedly about money without learning how to make wiser financial decisions. They may experience recurring anger without seeking guidance about the mind. They may repeatedly communicate harshly without learning how to improve communication. They may continue struggling with jealousy, attachment, stress, resentment, or other discontentedness while treating these experiences as unavoidable features of life rather than areas in which greater wisdom could be acquired to improve.

When this occurs within a life partnership, the relationship can become stagnant because the shared circumstances continue evolving while one person’s ability to respond wisely does not. New challenges arise, yet the same limited strategies are applied. The other partner may attempt to help, but if the individual has no genuine interest in seeking guidance or developing themselves, the relationship can gradually become structured around one person continually attempting to pull the other toward growth. That is unwise because inner development cannot be forced from outside the mind. This would not produce a stable foundation for a life partnership.

The Practitioner would therefore be wise to observe whether this quality of actively seeking guidance and growth is already present within the person’s life before making a major commitment. It is relatively easy for someone to say that personal growth is important, that they are open to learning, or that they intend to improve certain areas of their life. The stronger evidence is found in what the person is already doing. When they recognize that they lack wisdom regarding something, do they seek information? Do they ask questions of people who possess greater experience? Do they study, read, attend courses, seek a qualified Teacher, or investigate other resources that can help them acquire wisdom? When an unfavorable result repeatedly occurs, do they become interested in understanding why it continues happening and what they might need to learn in order to make different decisions? These observable patterns reveal considerably more than a statement that the person is “willing to grow” because they demonstrate that growth is already an active part of how the person approaches life.

This distinction is especially important because the unEnlightened mind can easily begin constructing an imagined future version of a potential life partner. The Practitioner may observe that the person is not presently seeking guidance, does not appear particularly interested in developing themselves, or repeatedly encounters the same challenges without investigating them, yet think, “Once we are together, I can help them learn,” “After we are married, perhaps they will become more interested in developing,” or “If I introduce them to the right guidance, they will probably begin improving”. At that point, the Practitioner is no longer making a decision based upon the person who presently exists. The mind has begun making the decision based upon the person it hopes the other being will eventually become.

That would be an unwise foundation for selecting a life partner because the Practitioner cannot know whether another being will later become interested in growth. The other person remains the decision-maker within their own life and will decide whether they seek guidance, reflect upon what they learn, practice it, and make changes. The Practitioner might decide to share useful information when there is an open door, supporting another being who has already developed an interest in learning, but they cannot manufacture that interest within someone else’s mind. If continued growth only occurs because the Practitioner repeatedly reminds, persuades, pressures, encourages, schedules, or pushes the other person toward development, then the quality being sought is not yet well established within that person.

The Practitioner is therefore not looking for perfection or requiring the potential life partner to already possess the same wisdom, knowledge, or life practice. A person may never have encountered The Teachings of The Buddha, may not yet understand The Four Noble Truths, and may have considerable wisdom still to acquire. What the Practitioner is observing is the direction already established within the person’s life. When they discover that they do not know something, do they move toward learning? When their decisions produce unfavorable results, do they investigate those results? When another person possesses wisdom they lack, are they willing to learn from that person? Does their life provide evidence that they are intentionally becoming wiser rather than merely remaining where they presently are?

Someone who does not yet understand The Four Noble Truths but is actively seeking guidance, examining their decisions, learning from results, and intentionally developing themselves may possess considerable capacity for continued growth. By contrast, someone who can discuss many Buddhist Teachings while thinking they have little left to learn may possess considerably less capacity for continued development. The important consideration is therefore not how much wisdom the person already possesses when the relationship begins, but whether an established pattern of acquiring greater wisdom is already visible within the way they live.

A Life Partner Is Not a Development Project

Understanding the importance of observing an already established direction toward growth does not mean the Practitioner would be wise to select someone who presently has little interest in development and then enter the relationship intending to produce that interest for them. Doing so would transform the potential life partner into a development project and place the Practitioner into another circumstance in which they are attempting to direct another being’s growth according to how the Practitioner thinks that person should develop. The Practitioner may possess useful information and might decide to share guidance when there is genuine interest, but the other person remains the decision-maker regarding whether they will learn, what guidance they will seek, and how much effort they will apply to their own development.

This is why the distinction between being receptive to guidance and actively seeking guidance is so important. If the Practitioner needs to repeatedly persuade, pressure, remind, schedule, motivate, argue, or create consequences before the other person engages in development, then the Practitioner is receiving useful information about the person’s present qualities. It would be unwise to ignore that information and construct a future relationship around the expectation that the individual will eventually become someone fundamentally different.

The wiser approach is to select the person who actually exists now while observing whether an established direction toward continued growth and improvement is already present within their life. This does not mean demanding perfection in the present. It means examining the direction already visible within the person’s life. Are they moving toward greater generosity, loving-kindness, wisdom, and wholesome conduct? Are they increasingly interested in understanding their own mind? Do they seek guidance? Are they learning from results? Those patterns provide a more reliable foundation than a promise that growth will begin later once the relationship becomes established.

The Practitioner also needs to examine this within themselves. If they are asking whether the other person actively seeks guidance, they should be able to observe the same quality within their own life. A healthy partnership cannot be constructed by one person evaluating the development of the other while assuming that their own development is complete. A stronger foundation is present when both beings are capable of asking, “What do I still need to learn?” and then taking action to acquire that wisdom.

Learn Each Other

The period commonly described as dating can be understood more wisely as a period of learning each other. Two people are not simply determining whether they enjoy dinner together, have physical attraction, or like many of the same activities. They are gradually acquiring information about how each being thinks, makes decisions, communicates, responds to changing circumstances, relates to other people, approaches disagreement, handles money, understands love, works through challenges, and develops themselves.

Enjoyable dates can certainly be part of this process. Two people can go to dinner, travel, attend events, watch films, exercise, spend time outdoors, and experience countless enjoyable activities together. The difficulty is that these circumstances are often intentionally designed to be pleasant, which means both people may spend a large amount of the early relationship interacting under favorable conditions. The Practitioner can learn considerably more when the relationship includes ordinary circumstances in which everything has not been arranged to maximize enjoyment.

Observe how the person responds when plans change unexpectedly, service is slow, traffic creates a delay, an expense is higher than planned, someone misunderstands them, or the day does not proceed according to a plan. Learn how they function when tired, busy, under pressure, or needing to reconsider a decision. Notice whether politeness, kindness, friendliness, and respect remain present only when circumstances are pleasant or whether these qualities continue guiding conduct when something becomes disagreeable.

The Practitioner would be wise not to convert this observation into suspicion or continually search for flaws. One difficult interaction does not establish a consistent pattern, and the earlier chapter has already explained the importance of not assuming that the Practitioner knows the full story. The objective is to acquire information over time. If something seems unclear, ask questions. Understand the “what, why, and how” behind the person’s decisions. Listen to their explanation with an interest to understand rather than immediately deciding what their conduct means.

Patterns become visible through time and repeated observation. A person who behaves unwisely once may recognize the result and make a significant improvement. Another person may repeatedly behave in the same way while continually explaining why everyone else forced them to do it. Those are very different patterns even if the outward event initially appears similar. The Practitioner is therefore not simply looking for missteps. The Practitioner is observing how the person views their own missteps, responds to those missteps, and whether wisdom is developing from the results.

Learn What the Person Thinks Love Is

A useful part of learning a potential life partner is discovering what they understand love to be. During the process of learning each other, the Practitioner can ask a very simple question: “What is love to you? How would you describe love?” The question is not an examination in which the potential partner needs to repeat the definition of True Love presented earlier in this book. Instead, it provides an opportunity to understand what the person presently associates with love and what they may eventually expect a life partnership to provide. Chapter 5 of this book has already explained True Love as an unconditioned mental quality of genuine interest in seeing all beings be well, without judging whether they deserve love and without wanting or expecting anything from them. The purpose here is to apply that Teaching by learning whether the potential partner currently understands love primarily through genuine care for another being or through attachment, attention, possession, sexual activity, continual togetherness, agreement, reassurance, or the fulfillment of expectations.

Someone may think jealousy demonstrates love because a person who loves deeply should be afraid of losing the other. Another person may think constant communication demonstrates love and interpret periods of independence as reduced interest. Someone may think love means spending nearly all available time together, making the same decisions, agreeing on important subjects, maintaining a particular frequency of sexual activity, or continually placing the relationship ahead of every other interest. Another person may think that loving someone means changing oneself whenever necessary to keep the other person pleased.

These understandings provide useful information because they can reveal expectations and attachments that may later influence the relationship. The Practitioner does not need the person to immediately possess the same understanding of True Love that has been developed throughout this book. What matters is whether the individual is capable of examining their present understanding. Can they discuss the subject openly? If another perspective is shared, can they reflect upon it without immediately becoming defensive? Are they interested in distinguishing genuine care for another being from possession, attachment, jealousy, dependency, sexual attraction, continual reassurance, or the need to receive particular behavior? The answer to the original question is therefore useful, but the person’s willingness to investigate their answer may reveal even more about their potential for continued growth.

The conversation is especially useful because the early stages of a romantic relationship can contain strong conditioned pleasant feelings as craving/desire/attachment is repeatedly satisfied. Attention arrives, messages arrive, affection is available, sexual desire may be satisfied, and the other person may be providing many of the experiences the mind currently wants. The intensity of these conditioned feelings can easily be falsely interpreted as proof of extraordinary love. The Practitioner who has already studied Chapter 5 of this book understands that this intensity is not a measurement of True Love and can therefore examine the relationship with greater clarity of mind rather than assuming that strong feelings themselves provide sufficient evidence for a wise life partnership.

Observe How the Person Treats Other Beings

One of the most useful observations during the process of learning someone is how they treat people from whom they are not presently attempting to obtain romantic affection. During the beginning of a relationship, both people may be exceptionally attentive, patient, generous, complimentary, and polite toward one another because the relationship is new and each person is interested in continuing it. Those favorable conditions may reveal genuine wholesome qualities, but they can also make it difficult to understand how the person typically interacts when they are not motivated by romantic interest.

Observe how they speak to restaurant staff, taxi drivers, employees, people they do not know, parents, siblings, friends, and people who disagree with them. Notice how they describe former partners. If every former partner is described as terrible, irrational, selfish, or entirely responsible for every problem in the relationship, that pattern provides useful information. If the person repeatedly treats service workers disrespectfully when something is inconvenient, that also provides information. If they are kind only toward people from whom they want something while becoming harsh toward everyone else, the Practitioner is learning about the qualities influencing the person’s conduct.

This does not mean that how someone behaves toward another being on one occasion guarantees they will eventually behave identically toward the Practitioner. Wisdom does not necessitate making absolute predictions about future conduct. The point is that repeated conduct reveals patterns of decision-making. If disrespect, harshness, blame, dishonesty, or hostility regularly appears across many relationships, romantic attraction does not magically remove those qualities from the mind. Once the early excitement of the relationship has faded away and the Practitioner becomes another familiar person within daily life, those same untrained patterns can easily begin appearing within the relationship.

The opposite is also useful to observe. A person who consistently communicates politely with people who can offer them nothing, treats family members with basic respect even when disagreements exist, acknowledges previous relationship difficulties without hatred, and demonstrates kindness under ordinary circumstances is revealing qualities that may contribute to a more wholesome life partnership. The Practitioner is not looking for someone who never makes an unwise decision. The Practitioner is looking for patterns that demonstrate the general direction of the person’s mind and conduct.

The Seven Kinds of Wives: A Teaching for Any Life Partner

The Buddha provided a useful Teaching concerning qualities of conduct within a life partnership when speaking with a woman named Sujātā. Because Sujātā was a woman and the specific circumstance being addressed concerned her conduct as a wife, the discourse uses the language of “seven kinds of wives”. The gender-specific language reflects the particular person The Buddha was teaching within that circumstance. The qualities of mind and conduct described in The Teaching can be applied to any life partner, regardless of gender, because hatred, dishonesty, domination, compassion, friendship, patience, helpfulness, and wholesome moral conduct are not qualities limited to one gender.

Then The Perfectly Enlightened One addressed Sujātā: Come here, Sujātā.

‘Yes, Venerable Sir,’ she replied. She went to The Perfectly Enlightened One, paid homage (respect) to him, and sat down to one side. The Perfectly Enlightened One then said to her:

Sujātā, a man might have seven kinds of wives.

What seven?

One like a killer, one like a thief, one like a tyrant, one like a mother, one like a sister, one like a friend, and one like a helper.

A man might have these seven kinds of wives.

Which one are you?

‘Venerable Sir, I do not understand in detail the meaning of this statement that The Perfectly Enlightened One has spoken in brief. Please let The Perfectly Enlightened One teach me The Teachings in such a way that I might understand in detail the meaning of this statement spoken in brief.’

Then listen and attend closely, Sujātā. I will speak.

‘Yes, Venerable Sir,’ she replied.

The Perfectly Enlightened One said this:

(1) With hateful mind, lacking of compassion, lusting for others, despising her husband, she seeks to kill the one who bought her with wealth: a wife like this is called a wife and a killer.

(2) When the woman’s husband acquires wealth by hard labor at a craft, trade, or farming, she tries to steal it, even if (he earns) but little: a wife like this is called a wife and a thief.

(3) The lazy glutton, unwilling to work, harsh, fierce, rough in speech, a woman who dominates her own supporters: a wife like this is called a wife and a tyrant.

(4) One always compassionate and sympathetic, who guards her husband as a mother would her son, who protects the wealth he earns: a wife like this is called a wife and a mother.

(5) She who holds her husband in high regard as younger sister would her elder brother, careful to do tasks well, following her husband’s will: a wife like this is called a wife and a sister.

(6) One who rejoices when she sees her husband as if seeing a friend after a long absence; well raised, virtuous, devoted to her husband: a wife like this is called a wife and a friend.

(7) One who remains patient and calm, when threatened with violence by the rod, who tolerates her husband with a mind free of hate, patient, accommodating to her husband’s intentions: a wife like this is called a wife and a helper.

The types of wives here called a killer, a thief, and a tyrant, unwholesome, harsh, disrespectful, with the body’s breakup go to hell.

But the types of wives here called mother, sister, friend, and helper, firm in virtue, long restrained, with the body’s breakup go to heaven.

A man, Sujātā, might have these seven kinds of wives. Now which one are you?

‘Beginning today, Venerable Sir, let The Perfectly Enlightened One consider me a wife who is like a helper.’

(Reference: AN 7.63)

The historical circumstances and language within this discourse reflect the particular person The Buddha was teaching and the social circumstances in which that Teaching was provided. The Practitioner does not need to recreate those historical circumstances in a modern life partnership in order to understand and apply the wisdom contained within The Teaching. The Buddha is identifying qualities of mind and patterns of conduct that produce very different results within a relationship. Hatred, dishonesty, harsh speech, domination, compassion, patience, virtue, friendship, and helpfulness continue to produce results according to the same natural laws regardless of whether the life partner is male or female.

The Practitioner can apply this Teaching without turning the seven descriptions into rigid labels placed upon another being. A person does not need to move through the process of learning a potential life partner mentally deciding, “This person is the tyrant,” “This person is the thief,” or “This person is the helper”. Doing so could easily shift the mind from discernment toward judgment. The more useful application is to understand the qualities being described and then observe whether similar qualities repeatedly appear within the person’s conduct. Does the individual become harsh and dominating when circumstances do not occur according to preference, or can they continue communicating in a polite, kind, friendly, and respectful manner? Are they trustworthy with money and shared possessions? Is compassion present in how they interact with others? Can they participate as a genuine friend? When disagreement or difficulty occurs, does hatred develop within the mind and conduct, or can the person remain patient and continue working wisely with the circumstance?

The first three descriptions—the killer, thief, and tyrant—show how unwholesome qualities of mind can become expressed through conduct within a close relationship. Hatred can replace loving-kindness. Dishonesty and selfishness can replace generosity and trustworthiness. Harshness and domination can replace respectful communication and equality. These patterns are especially important to observe before establishing a life partnership because romantic attraction and conditioned pleasant feelings can make it easy to minimize conduct that would otherwise be recognized as unwise. The Practitioner would be wise to examine repeated patterns rather than assuming that affection or attraction will eventually eliminate qualities of mind that the individual has not yet learned to eliminate for themselves.

The four wholesome descriptions—the mother, sister, friend, and helper— present very different qualities. Compassion, protection of shared resources, respect, careful participation, virtue, friendship, patience, calmness, and a mind free from hatred are qualities that can contribute to a considerably more harmonious relationship. The exact social roles used within the ancient discourse do not need to become modern relationship roles. The useful Teaching is contained in the qualities of mind and conduct that are being contrasted. A life partner who cultivates compassion, friendship, patience, moral conduct, and helpful participation will make very different decisions than a life partner who repeatedly operates through hatred, dishonesty, domination, and harshness, and those different decisions will produce very different results within the relationship.

This Teaching also needs to be directed inward rather than used only as a method for examining a potential partner. Before becoming highly focused on what type of life partner another person may become, the Practitioner would be wise to investigate what type of life partner they themselves are developing into. Do they bring harsh speech into disagreements? Do they attempt to dominate decisions when the other person has a different preference? Are they trustworthy with money, possessions, and shared resources? Can they remain patient and calm when circumstances do not unfold as preferred? Can they participate as a genuine friend and helper rather than continually focusing on what the relationship should provide for them? The Teaching becomes most useful when the Practitioner applies it first to the development of their own mind and conduct rather than using it merely to diagnose the shortcomings of another being.

The natural laws underlying wholesome and unwholesome decisions are not gender-specific. Every being experiences results according to the causes created through their own decisions. A male, female, or any other life partner who repeatedly chooses hostility, dishonesty, domination, and harshness will experience results arising from those decisions, while a life partner who cultivates compassion, patience, friendship, moral conduct, and helpful participation creates very different causes and therefore experiences very different results. The important consideration for the Practitioner selecting a life partner is not merely what category another person might appear to fit, but what qualities of mind are repeatedly guiding that person’s decisions and whether those qualities are moving in a wholesome direction through continued learning and development.

Develop Problem-Solving Skills Before Confirming the Relationship

A life partnership will inevitably contain circumstances needing problem-solving skills from both individuals. Two people may need to determine where to live, how to organize finances, how household tasks will be completed, whether to relocate for employment, how to interact with extended family, how to respond to health challenges, and how to make decisions involving children. Thousands of smaller circumstances will also need decisions throughout daily life. The ability to solve challenges together is therefore not an optional skill that can be postponed until after the relationship is formally established.

Chapter 15 of this book has already examined disagreement without disharmony, so the specific application here is to observe whether the two people can actually use those skills together before making a major commitment. A disagreement is not evidence that two people are unsuited for one another. Two beings will naturally possess different information, experiences, preferences, and understandings. The useful question is what happens once those differences become visible. Can both people remain polite, kind, friendly, and respectful? Can they listen accurately? Can they ask questions to understand the other person’s perspective rather than make assumptions? Can either person change their understanding after receiving new information without treating the change as losing?

When I was developing these Teachings within my own life practice more deeply and applying them within my own life partner relationship, I sometimes intentionally allowed disagreement to remain visible rather than continually attempting to preserve agreement. I needed to learn what happened when my life partner and I understood something differently. Would one of us need to win? Would disagreement become a fight? Would one person become offended merely because the other had a different view? Or could we remain friendly and respectful, discuss the information, and work toward a solution without treating the different understanding as a threat to the relationship?

The purpose was not to create conflict for the sake of testing the relationship. It was to become comfortable with the true reality that two beings will disagree. If a couple cannot remain peaceful when they disagree during the process of learning one another, marriage is not going to magically create that skill. Developing the ability beforehand allows both people to know that disagreement can occur without losing kindness, friendliness, respect, affection, or True Love.

The same process develops problem-solving skills. Rather than approaching a difficult circumstance as “you against me,” the couple can learn to see themselves as two beings examining a shared challenge. What is actually happening? What information do we possess? What do we still need to learn? What possible decisions are available? What results are reasonably likely to arise from those decisions? Can we find a decision that both people understand and can support? The focus shifts away from defeating the partner and toward solving the circumstance.

This ability becomes increasingly important because some decisions need to become unified decisions. Two people cannot always independently select different answers when they share one home, one financial obligation, one travel itinerary, or a decision affecting children. They may begin with different preferences, but the shared circumstance eventually necessitates one plan. A wise couple learns how to discuss, investigate, compromise where appropriate, acquire additional information, and arrive at a decision that both can support rather than creating a pattern in which the same person always gets their way. Both people learn, individually and as a couple, to base their decisions in generosity, loving-kindness, and wisdom rather than craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality) so that they can experience wholesome results (i.e. wholesome Kamma).

Learn to Become Friends

A life partnership can begin through physical attraction, romantic interest, sexual attraction, shared activities, enjoyable conversation, or the conditioned pleasant feelings that arise as two people begin spending increasing amounts of time together. None of these experiences are inherently problematic, and they may provide the circumstances through which two people first become interested in learning one another more deeply. The difficulty develops when the relationship remains dependent upon those early conditions continuing in approximately the same form. Physical attraction will change, sexual activity can change, schedules will change, interests will change, and the intensity associated with the early stages of a relationship will naturally change as two people become increasingly familiar with one another. If the relationship has been developed primarily around obtaining continual romantic excitement or conditioned pleasant feelings, ordinary change can later be interpreted as evidence that something is wrong.

For this reason, one of the more important developments within a life partnership is learning how to become genuine friends. Friendship provides a considerably broader foundation than romantic attraction alone because two people who have developed friendship are interested in one another as beings rather than primarily as sources of affection, sexual activity, attention, companionship, or other desired experiences. They enjoy communicating with one another, sharing ideas, laughing together, participating in ordinary activities, solving challenges, learning about one another’s interests, and supporting one another’s development. The relationship is not continually asking, “What are you going to provide for me so that I can continue feeling the way I want to feel?” Instead, both individuals are gradually learning how to enjoy sharing life while understanding that the other person remains an individual being.

This can be observed through very ordinary circumstances. Can the two people enjoy a long conversation even when there is no particular romantic activity occurring? Can they spend an afternoon completing ordinary errands and still enjoy one another’s company? Can they laugh together when something does not go according to plan? Can they share an interesting idea, ask thoughtful questions, and genuinely listen to one another? Can one person share an accomplishment or new interest and find that the other person responds with genuine interest, encouragement, and sympathetic joy rather than competition, jealousy, or disinterest? These circumstances may appear considerably less interesting than the beginning stages of romance, but they reveal whether the relationship is developing a friendship that can continue supporting the partnership as the circumstances surrounding romance naturally change.

Learning to become friends is also closely connected with the problem-solving skills discussed in the previous section. Friends are not continually attempting to defeat one another. When a challenge arises, they can become interested in understanding what is happening and finding a useful solution together. If one person possesses greater knowledge in a particular area, that knowledge can be appreciated rather than experienced as a threat. If one person makes a mistake, the circumstance does not need to become an opportunity for the other to establish superiority. Both beings can participate with the understanding that they are on the same side, attempting to navigate life together while each continues developing wisdom.

This type of friendship can also help protect the relationship from becoming entirely dependent upon sexual activity or physical attraction. Sexual intimacy can be an enjoyable part of a life partnership, but it would be unwise for the relationship to depend upon sexual activity remaining unchanged throughout life. Health conditions, age, work schedules, travel, pregnancy, children, physical changes, or countless other circumstances can affect sexual activity. Physical appearance will also continue changing because the body is impermanent. If the primary connection between the two people has been attraction and sexual gratification, these changes can create considerable difficulty because the conditions through which the mind was repeatedly receiving conditioned pleasant feelings are no longer occurring in the same way.

When friendship has been deeply developed, the relationship contains considerably more than those changing conditions. The two people may continue enjoying affection and sexual intimacy while also possessing genuine companionship, shared history, communication, humor, mutual support, and an interest in one another’s growth. The partnership can therefore continue adapting as the body and circumstances change because the relationship was never dependent upon one temporary form of enjoyment remaining permanent. Attraction can exist without being the entire foundation of the relationship, and sexual activity can be appreciated without being treated as the measurement of whether love or closeness remains present.

Friendship also helps each person become interested in the well-being and development of the other being without converting that interest into control. A genuine friend can encourage another person’s growth while still understanding that person is the decision-maker within their own life. They can be pleased when the other person develops a new skill, receives an opportunity, acquires wisdom, or becomes interested in something that may not involve them directly. The relationship does not need to become threatened merely because each person continues developing individually. Instead, one of the enjoyments of the partnership can be observing the other being continue becoming wiser and more capable throughout life.

This is another reason it is useful for a potential couple to learn whether they genuinely like one another as people before making a long-term commitment. Attraction can make someone strongly interested in obtaining the relationship, but friendship asks a different question: if the romantic excitement were temporarily less intense, would these two beings still enjoy sharing life? Would they still enjoy talking, laughing, learning, helping one another, solving problems, and spending ordinary time together? Can they appreciate one another’s character, ideas, humor, interests, and development without continually needing the relationship to produce a heightened emotional experience?

The Practitioner is not necessarily trying to remove romance from the life partnership. Romance, affection, sexual intimacy, enjoyable activities, and physical attraction can all remain part of the relationship if that is what is chosen. The wiser objective is to ensure that these experiences are not the only foundation holding the partnership together. As the relationship develops, romance can exist alongside genuine friendship so that both people are learning how to be companions throughout the many changing circumstances of life.

A strong life partnership can therefore contain two people who are life partners and genuine friends at the same time. They can enjoy attraction while understanding that appearance will change. They can enjoy sexual intimacy while understanding that sexual activity will change. They can have enjoyable experiences while also being comfortable during ordinary days. They can communicate, laugh, solve challenges, support one another, and remain interested in each other’s development without making the other person responsible for continually producing conditioned pleasant feelings within the mind.

Learning to become friends provides the partnership with a foundation that can continue functioning as life changes. Two people are no longer merely attempting to preserve the conditioned excitement experienced when they first met through the repeated satisfaction of craving/desire/attachment. They are learning how to walk through life together as two continually changing beings who genuinely enjoy one another, care about one another’s well-being, and possess an interest in helping create circumstances in which both can continue learning, growing, and developing wisdom.

Spend Time Sharing Ordinary Life

The process of learning each other should include considerably more than dates and entertainment because a long-term relationship contains far more ordinary life than special events. Two people may spend their early relationship meeting specifically to participate in enjoyable activities and therefore remain focused almost entirely on one another whenever they are together. They go to dinner, attend a movie, visit a park, travel somewhere, or spend an evening talking. When the planned activity ends, they return to their separate homes and lives.

If the relationship later develops into living together, the circumstances change considerably. One person may be reading in one room while the other is watching television somewhere else. One may prefer to exercise while the other remains home. One person may be working on a project for several hours without communicating much. One may spend time with friends while the other chooses a different activity. There may be evenings when nothing particularly interesting occurs and neither person chooses to participate in entertainment. This is what a large portion of shared life actually looks like.

For this reason, it can be highly beneficial for two people to spend time together while doing different activities before confirming a long-term partnership. They can learn what it is like to exist in the same dwelling without continual interaction. They can attend an event and comfortably speak with different people. They can spend part of a day pursuing separate interests and reconnect later. These circumstances help each person discover whether the relationship is dependent upon constant togetherness or whether both can remain peaceful while sharing a life that still contains individuality.

This practice also prevents the relationship from conditioning both minds around the idea that being together means continually giving one another attention. If every early interaction involves constant attention, the pattern can gradually become an expectation. Later, when ordinary life necessitates less attention, the change may be interpreted as evidence that something is wrong. Introducing normal independence from the beginning allows the relationship to develop around a more accurate understanding of how two beings can live closely without needing to participate in every activity together.

Understand That Two Individual Lives Continue Within the Partnership

Entering a life partnership does not transform two individual beings into one mind or one decision-maker. Chapter 4 of this book has already established The Teaching of two beings and two lives, while Chapter 17 of this book examined the importance of eliminating attachment to those closest to us. The application of this Teaching to a life partnership is that intimacy and closeness do not require the elimination of each person’s independent interests, activities, learning, friendships, or development.

A potential life partner should therefore be able to participate in closeness without interpreting ordinary independence as rejection. One person may develop a new hobby the other does not share. One may travel occasionally without the other. They may have different friends, read different books, study different subjects, or spend portions of the day independently. None of these circumstances, by themselves, demonstrates reduced love or a weakening relationship. They demonstrate that two beings remain two beings even while choosing to share considerable portions of life together.

Observing how a potential partner responds to independence provides valuable information. If the Practitioner spends an evening with friends, does the other person remain peaceful, or do jealousy and accusations arise? If several hours or days pass without communication, is that simply an ordinary period of life, or does the person require reassurance? If plans change and one person decides not to participate in an activity, can the other peacefully continue? These experiences can reveal attachment before it becomes deeply established within the relationship.

The goal is not to create artificial distance or deliberately behave unpredictably to test another person. The goal is to allow ordinary impermanence and independence to remain present rather than constructing the relationship around constant availability. A partnership can contain considerable closeness, affection, communication, sexual intimacy, and shared activities while neither person becomes dependent upon the continual presence of those circumstances for peace and happiness.

Agreements and Commitments Without Expectations

A life partnership necessitates practical coordination, and this means the couple may develop many agreements and commitments. They may agree regarding finances, household tasks, sexual activity, living arrangements, travel, children, employment, family participation, savings, or the use of shared resources. These agreements can be highly beneficial because they provide information that allows both beings to organize their lives and make wise decisions regarding shared circumstances.

Chapter 10 of this book has already established the important distinction between an agreement and an expectation. An agreement communicates what the people presently intend to do. An expectation arises when the mind becomes attached to the belief that the future must occur according to that agreement and makes its own peacefulness dependent upon receiving the expected result. The couple can therefore make clear agreements, honor commitments, communicate preferences, and organize daily life without either mind converting those practical arrangements into demands upon reality.

This distinction becomes especially important in life partnerships because expectations can accumulate quietly over time. Something once freely given can gradually become something the other person is expected to provide. Frequent communication can become an expectation regarding how often someone should call. Sexual activity can become an expectation regarding frequency. Shared interests can become expectations about how free time should be spent. One person may begin thinking that because the partner behaved a particular way for several years, they are now supposed to continue behaving that way permanently.

All expectations are rooted in craving/desire/attachment and will contribute to discontentedness within the mind and disharmony within the relationship. There is therefore no category of “healthy expectation” or “realistic expectation” that the Practitioner needs to preserve. What can be preserved are wise agreements, clearly communicated preferences, commitments, plans, shared roles, and practical arrangements, while the Practitioner avoids developing craving/desire/attachment/wants/expectations for any of these circumstances to remain permanently unchanged. If an agreement is not honored, the circumstances are examined, communication occurs where wise, and another decision is made based upon what has actually occurred. None of this requires the mind to become angry or discontent because reality did not unfold according to the original agreement.

A potential life partner who can understand this distinction is far less likely to attempt to make the Practitioner the custodian of their happiness through a lack of wisdom. Each person can participate generously and reliably while understanding that the other being remains an independent decision-maker. The relationship therefore becomes a place where cooperation can flourish without continually turning cooperation into obligation within the mind.

Physical Attraction and Other Practical Considerations

Physical attraction can be part of selecting a life partner, and the Practitioner does not need to pretend otherwise. Financial stability, employment, location, health, interests, sexual compatibility, family circumstances, and many other practical considerations can also reasonably influence the decision because these conditions affect shared daily life. Wisdom does not require ignoring practical reality in favor of examining only mental qualities.

The difficulty develops when changing external conditions become the primary foundation upon which the partnership is selected. A person can be physically attractive while continually blaming others for their discontentedness. They can possess a high income while having little interest in acquiring wisdom. They can share every hobby the Practitioner presently enjoys while being incapable of disagreeing peacefully. They can possess an impressive career while treating service workers, family members, and other individuals harshly. None of the favorable external circumstances eliminates the importance of the qualities of mind that will influence daily decisions throughout the relationship.

The Practitioner would also be wise to remember that these conditions will change. Physical appearance will change as the body ages. Employment and income can change. Health can change. Interests that currently bring the couple together may later develop in different directions. Sexual activity can change through age, health, schedule, or other circumstances. A person selected primarily because they satisfy a particular collection of changing preferences may eventually no longer satisfy those preferences because impermanence guarantees that neither being will remain as they presently are.

The more durable consideration is whether both people possess qualities that allow them to respond wisely to those changes. Can they learn? Can they seek guidance? Can they communicate? Can they solve problems? Can they continue treating one another with politeness, kindness, friendliness, and respect? Can they understand that the other person will change without interpreting every change as a betrayal of who they were supposed to remain? Those qualities allow a partnership to move through impermanence rather than continually fighting against it.

Do Not Select a Life Partner to Fulfill Someone Else’s Expectations

Family members and friends may have strong opinions regarding whom the Practitioner should select as a life partner. Some of their observations can be useful because another person may notice something the Practitioner has overlooked, particularly when attraction and conditioned pleasant feelings are strongly influencing the mind. Wisdom therefore does not mean automatically rejecting outside guidance simply because the final decision belongs to the Practitioner.

At the same time, the Practitioner would be unwise to construct their life around pleasing other people. Parents may have preferences regarding nationality, religion, occupation, education, wealth, social status, family background, age, or appearance. Friends may think a particular personality would be best. Family members may dislike someone because the person does not fit the future they imagined and desire. If the Practitioner makes the decision to satisfy those expectations, they surrender an important opportunity to make a choice that they think is best to create the life they are interested in experiencing while cultivating wisdom within their own life.

In my own experience, members of my family did not initially support the person who later became my long-term life partner. Had I simply adopted their understanding without making my own investigation, my life would have developed very differently. Over time, as they came to know her more deeply, their view changed substantially. The useful Teaching from that experience is not that family members are generally wrong or that their concerns should be ignored. The Teaching is that they have their own life and the Practitioner has theirs. Information can be received, concerns can be investigated, and guidance can be considered, but the Practitioner still needs to make the decision they know to be most wise. The Practitioner needs to develop the life they aspire to experience without allowing the expectations of others to determine that life for them. Otherwise, they may gradually create the life their family and friends want while neglecting their own goals, objectives, and interests.

Your Life -> Your Decisions -> Your Results.

It is not: Your Life -> Their Decisions -> Your Results.

Dowry: A Gift Rather Than a Requirement

Many cultures throughout the world maintain traditions in which money, gold, property, material possessions, or other resources are exchanged when two people marry. These traditions may have existed within families and communities for generations and may carry considerable cultural meaning. As with many circumstances encountered within relationships, the useful investigation is to examine the mental qualities influencing the decision, the conditions being placed upon other beings, and the results those decisions are likely to produce. The same outward action of giving money to the family of a life partner may arise from generosity in one circumstance and from craving, pressure, fear, or expectation in another. Wisdom therefore necessitates looking beyond the outward tradition to understand what is actually occurring within the minds and relationships of the beings involved.

A gift is something freely given without expecting anything in return. The person giving the gift determines what they are interested in giving, whether that is money, gold, property, another material item, or nothing at all. The receiver does not determine the amount or establish what must be given, because once the receiver establishes a required amount, the circumstance is no longer operating purely as a gift. It has become an expectation placed upon another being. Generosity arises from the giver’s decision to give; it is not created by the receiver establishing what they expect to receive.

If a person is interested in offering a dowry to the parents or family of their life partner as an expression of generosity, appreciation, gratitude, or respect, that is a decision for that individual to make. When something is freely offered without an expectation of receiving something in return, the giving is a practice of generosity. The person giving is not purchasing permission to marry, attempting to prove their worth, providing the family an opportunity to appear successful, or satisfying a condition imposed upon the relationship. They have simply determined that they are interested in sharing some of their resources with the family of the person with whom they are developing a life partnership. In that circumstance, the dowry is understood as a gift. The giving is voluntary, the amount is determined through the person’s own decision-making, and the marriage is not dependent upon the gift being provided.

The circumstance becomes considerably different when the dowry is established as a requirement for marriage. If parents communicate that their adult child will only receive their approval to marry if a particular amount of money, gold, property, or other resources is provided, an expectation has been introduced into a decision that ultimately belongs to the two beings considering a life partnership. The parents have their own life and remain the decision-makers regarding their participation in the family circumstances. Their adult child also has their own life and remains the decision-maker regarding whom they select as a life partner. The potential life partner likewise remains the decision-maker regarding whether they are interested in entering the partnership and under what circumstances. Regardless of culture, financial considerations, or family tradition, an expectation held by the parents does not transfer the decision regarding marriage away from the two adult beings who are actually considering sharing their lives together.

This is where the distinction between giving and expectation becomes particularly important. A gift is voluntarily offered. An expectation establishes a condition within the mind concerning what another being is supposed to provide. When parents think, “Before our child marries this person, we expect this amount of money to be given to us,” the mind has established an external condition that it desires another being to fulfill. If that expectation is satisfied, a conditioned pleasant feeling will arise. If the expectation is not fulfilled, a conditioned painful feeling will arise, which may then develop into disappointment, anger, resentment, embarrassment, hostility, or conflict. The difficulty therefore extends far beyond the money itself. The dowry has become another circumstance revealing craving/desire/attachment within the mind, which can produce discontentedness before the life partnership has even been fully established.

A life partnership already involves two beings gradually learning how to share portions of their lives while continuing to remain individual decision-makers. They will need to learn one another, communicate wisely, solve challenges, discuss finances, navigate relationships with family members, understand different preferences, make shared decisions where necessary, support one another’s development, and continually adjust as circumstances change through The Universal Truth of Impermanence. These challenges will arise naturally throughout a long-term relationship. Introducing a financial expectation at the beginning of the partnership creates an additional condition through which disagreement, tension, or conflict may develop.

Instead of the new spouse entering the family through politeness, kindness, friendliness, respect, generosity, and loving-kindness, the relationship may begin with a message understood as “Before you become part of this family, you are expected to provide us with something”.

That beginning deserves careful consideration because the person marrying the adult child may become part of the family for decades. They may share holidays, family gatherings, travel, meals, births, deaths, illnesses, celebrations, periods of financial difficulty, the raising of children, and countless other circumstances throughout life. A relationship of considerable significance is potentially beginning between the new life partner and the parents, siblings, and extended family of the person they are marrying. Beginning that relationship with an expectation of payment reveals craving/desire/attachment within the mind and can create unnecessary tension at the very time when the beings involved have an opportunity to establish a wholesome foundation for their future interactions. The question is therefore not simply whether the family has practiced dowry for generations. The deeper investigation concerns what qualities of mind are being cultivated and what type of relationship is being established through the decisions being made now.

The amount of the dowry does not determine whether the circumstance is wholesome. A small amount demanded with strong attachment may involve considerably more craving than a large gift freely offered through generosity by someone who possesses abundant resources. The important investigation concerns the mental qualities influencing the giving and receiving. Is the gift freely offered, or has the receiver already determined what they expect to receive? Is generosity present, or is craving/desire/attachment influencing the circumstance? The two adults considering marriage remain the decision-makers regarding whether they marry and the circumstances under which they establish their life partnership. Approval from parents, siblings, friends, or other people is not required for two adults to make that decision, though the two individuals may decide that having a discussion with their parents is something they are interested in doing.

This also connects directly with True Love. A dowry does not demonstrate how much one being loves another. Money does not create True Love, establish faithfulness, develop wisdom, eliminate craving, improve communication, or teach two beings how to solve the challenges that will arise throughout decades of shared life. True Love is an unconditioned mental quality of genuine interest in seeing all beings be well, without judging whether they deserve love and without wanting or expecting anything from them. That quality cannot be purchased, proven through a payment, or measured according to the amount of wealth transferred between families. A person may provide an enormous dowry while possessing substantial craving, ego, jealousy, anger, or attachment. Another person may provide no dowry while possessing deep generosity, loving-kindness, wisdom, patience, faithfulness, and a sincere interest in developing a wholesome lifelong partnership.

The more meaningful preparation for a life partnership is therefore what has been examined throughout this chapter. The two beings need to learn one another carefully, understand that neither is perfect, observe whether each person is actively interested in continued development, learn how to communicate and solve problems, develop genuine friendship, understand that interests and circumstances will change, eliminate expectations, practice True Love, and determine whether the other person’s general direction in life is toward increasingly wholesome conduct. These qualities provide a foundation from which a long-term partnership may develop successfully. A financial transaction with the family cannot substitute for any of them. No amount of money paid before a wedding will compensate for dishonesty, poor communication, uncontrolled craving, hostility, unwillingness to learn, lack of faithfulness, or an inability to solve problems together.

Parents likewise have an opportunity to examine their own minds when an adult child is preparing to establish a life partnership. If the parents expect the potential life partner to provide a dowry, the useful investigation is to recognize the craving/desire/attachment and expectation present within the mind. The mind has determined that another being is supposed to provide money, gold, property, or another material possession and has attached that expectation to the marriage of their adult child. Yet the adult child remains the decision-maker regarding whom they select as a life partner and the circumstances under which they establish that partnership, while the potential life partner remains the decision-maker regarding what they choose to give. The parents do not become the decision-makers for either adult simply because they are the parents.

The Second Precept provides particularly useful guidance here through the words “accepting what is given, awaiting what is given”. Rather than determining what another being is expected to provide, the receiving family awaits what is voluntarily given. If nothing is given, or if what is given differs from what the parents desired, any disappointment, anger, resentment, embarrassment, or other discontentedness that arises reveals craving/desire/attachment within their own mind. The practice is therefore not to establish a condition that another being needs to satisfy, but to recognize and eliminate the craving that produced the expectation in the first place.

The potential life partner also needs to examine the circumstance without immediately reacting through anger or judgment. The presence of a dowry expectation provides information about the minds, values, attachments, and decision-making of the family they may soon become closely associated with. The wise response is not automatically to condemn or judge either the parents or the potential life partner for the craving/desire/attachment that may be influencing their decisions. Nor is the wiser response to comply automatically simply because the expectation has been presented or because the tradition has existed in the past. The Practitioner investigates carefully. What is being requested? Why is it being requested? Is the giving genuinely voluntary, or is the marriage being made conditional upon payment? What occurs if the requested amount is not provided? Does the potential spouse independently share the expectation, or are they experiencing pressure from their family? What do the conversations surrounding the dowry reveal about craving, generosity, equality, respect, communication, and the willingness of everyone involved to recognize each adult as the decision-maker within their own life?

These observations may reveal important information before the marriage occurs. If the parents possess a strong attachment to controlling this aspect of their adult child’s relationship, the Practitioner may also consider whether similar expectations are likely to arise later concerning finances, children, housing, family participation, religious practices, travel, holidays, or other decisions within the couple’s shared life. This does not mean that one expectation automatically predicts every future challenge. It simply means that present decisions provide information. Chapter 20 of this book has repeatedly encouraged the Practitioner to observe how people actually make decisions rather than relying only upon promises about how they will behave later. A disagreement surrounding dowry therefore becomes another circumstance through which the Practitioner acquires information about the potential life partner, the family, and the way shared challenges are likely to be approached.

If the potential life partner remains closely aligned with the family’s expectation and communicates that the relationship will not proceed unless the payment is made, that also provides important information. The Practitioner then needs to understand that the condition is not merely coming from the parents; it has become part of the circumstances under which the potential partner is choosing to participate. The Practitioner remains the decision-maker regarding their own participation. Through wisdom, they determine whether establishing a life partnership under those conditions is wise or unwise. The purpose of this investigation is not to prove that one person is right and another is wrong. The purpose is to understand clearly what circumstances exist before making a decision that may influence the remainder of one’s life.

There is also an important difference between respecting the traditions and practices of another family and surrendering one’s own decision-making to the expectations connected with them. Respect does not require agreement or participation. A person may understand why a family values a dowry tradition, appreciate that it has significance to them, and communicate with politeness, kindness, friendliness, and respect while still determining through wisdom that participating in a required financial transaction is unwise. In another circumstance, voluntarily giving something to the family may arise through generosity because the giver is genuinely interested in making the gift. Neither decision requires hostility, judgment, or disrespect toward anyone involved. The important investigation is whether the Practitioner’s own decision arises through wisdom and generosity, or whether fear, social pressure, craving for approval, or another being’s expectation is influencing the decision.

This is why it would be unwise to approach dowry through a simple rule declaring that it must always be given or must never be given. Such a rule would ignore the enormous variety of circumstances, cultures, financial situations, family relationships, and intentions that exist throughout the world. The Teachings instead provide the Practitioner with a way to understand the circumstance. Is generosity present or expectation? Is the giving voluntary or pressured? Are the beings involved practicing generosity, loving-kindness, wisdom, equality, wholesome moral conduct, and wise speech? Is craving influencing the decision? Are people attempting to control a decision that belongs to another adult? What results are likely to arise from proceeding under these conditions? These questions help the Practitioner acquire the wisdom needed to determine what is wise or unwise within the circumstances they are actually experiencing.

If generosity is present, generosity may become a beautiful part of the beginning of a new family relationship. If expectation is present, the expectation needs to be recognized accurately as craving/desire/attachment rather than disguised as love, respect, or tradition. And if the establishment of a life partnership is being transformed into a financial transaction in which one person is expected to provide money as a condition connected with marrying another adult being, the Practitioner would be wise to reflect deeply upon the mental qualities and future circumstances being introduced at the very beginning of the relationship.

The purpose is not to tell a person whether to provide a dowry. The purpose is to help the Practitioner understand the difference between a freely offered gift and a required condition connected with marriage, recognize the craving/desire/attachment and expectations that may be present, understand that each adult remains the decision-maker within their own life, and use wisdom to determine whether the circumstances surrounding the marriage are wise or unwise for the life partnership they are considering developing.

Official Marriage Is Not Required

Two people can develop a wholesome and sustaining life partnership without necessarily establishing an official marriage. Legal marriage may provide practical benefits involving inheritance, property, children, taxation, immigration, medical decision-making, or other circumstances depending upon where the couple lives. Some people may also deeply value the wedding celebration or social meaning associated with marriage. If establishing an official marriage is wise for the couple’s circumstances, there is nothing within The Teachings that requires them to avoid it.

At the same time, a marriage document cannot create the mental qualities needed for harmony. Signing a legal agreement does not eliminate craving/desire/attachment, remove expectations, produce True Love, teach wise communication, develop problem-solving skills, or create an interest for either person to seek guidance. Those qualities still need to be cultivated by the beings participating in the relationship regardless of whether the government formally recognizes the partnership.

I learned this distinction through my own relationship. My life partner and I were together for years, married, later separated for periods, legally divorced, and ultimately continued our relationship as life partners without official marriage. During those years, the quality of our relationship was not determined by whether the legal document existed. What actually improved the relationship was the work we did learning how to communicate, solve challenges, disagree without creating hostility, eliminate expectations, understand that we each remained individual beings, and continue growing.

The purpose of sharing this is not to suggest that couples should divorce or avoid marriage. That would turn one personal experience into a universal prescription, which is not what is being taught here. The useful understanding is that official marriage and relationship harmony are different things. Official marriage may be wise where the legal structure serves practical needs within the couple’s circumstances, but a wedding celebration or legal status does not perform the inner development that each person still needs to accomplish. A couple can also celebrate their life partnership with family and friends through a wedding event without formally registering their marriage with the government.

Supporting Each Other’s Growth Without Controlling It

Once two people have wisely decided to develop a life partnership, a particularly wholesome form of participation within a life partnership is genuinely supporting one another’s growth. This does not mean that each person becomes the other’s Teacher, begins continually identifying what the partner needs to improve, or is responsible for the other person’s growth. Chapter 11 of this book has already examined when guidance becomes an attempt to control, and that Teaching remains fully applicable within a life partnership. Growth cannot be forced into another person’s mind from outside.

Wholesome support means being genuinely interested in seeing the other person become wiser and more capable while understanding they are the decision-maker regarding their own development. When the partner develops an interest in learning, encouragement supports that learning. If they seek guidance, assistance can be offered. If they are developing a wholesome skill, time and space can be provided. If they make an unwise decision and later ask for help understanding what occurred, the investigation remains focused on understanding what occurred rather than demonstrating superiority or degrading the life partner. When guidance is sought, the open door creates an opportunity for wisdom to be shared without taking ownership of the partner’s development.

This becomes especially valuable when both partners have already established the ability to seek guidance independently. The relationship is no longer dependent upon one person dragging the other toward growth, which is unwise and impossible. Each person is developing themselves and can therefore bring increasing wisdom into their shared life. One may discover useful information that benefits both. One may possess greater experience in one area while the other possesses greater wisdom somewhere else. They can learn from one another without turning learning into a hierarchy in which one person is always Teacher and the other always Student.

A partnership of this kind remains dynamic rather than stagnant. As new challenges arise, the people acquire new wisdom. When an unfavorable result reveals a weakness in decision-making, they learn from it. If communication needs improvement, they seek guidance. If finances become challenging, they acquire greater financial wisdom. If attachment becomes visible, they work with the mind. The relationship continues developing because the beings participating in it continue developing.

Learning Before Making a Long-Term Commitment

There is no universal amount of time that guarantees two people have learned enough about one another to wisely make a long-term commitment. Some people may encounter a wide variety of circumstances together within a relatively short period, while others may date for years under conditions that reveal very little about how they function in ordinary shared life. The important measurement is not simply the number of months or years that have passed but the quality of information acquired during that time.

Have the two people experienced disagreement and learned how each responds? Have they solved practical problems together? Have they discussed finances, living arrangements, children, family involvement, employment, sexual conduct, independence, and other areas that could become part of shared life? Have they observed one another in ordinary circumstances rather than only during planned dates? Has the Practitioner seen how the person treats other beings and how they respond when something does not go according to preference? Has each person demonstrated that they can acknowledge areas in which they are still developing?

The Practitioner would also be wise to notice whether the other person’s words and conduct generally match over time. Someone can easily say during an early conversation that they think personal growth is beneficial and wise, dislike controlling behavior, value independence, communicate respectfully, and take an interest in learning. The stronger evidence appears in how they actually live. When a challenge arises, do they seek guidance? When the Practitioner spends time independently, do they remain peaceful? When disagreement occurs, does communication remain respectful? When they discover they were mistaken, are they able to acknowledge their misstep and do they learn from the situation?

Time helps the Practitioner distinguish an attractive description of a person from the patterns the person actually lives. Craving encourages the mind to confirm the relationship quickly because confirmation satisfies the desire for security. Wisdom is more interested in acquiring accurate information before making a decision that will influence many years of life.

What is built fast—falls apart fast. What is built gradually—can become indestructible.

A relationship becoming indestructible does not mean that it has somehow escaped The Universal Truth of Impermanence or that the partnership is guaranteed to continue forever. It means that the foundation has been developed so carefully, gradually, and wisely that ordinary disagreements, changing circumstances, challenges, and unfavorable results are far less capable of ruining what the two beings have developed together. The strength does not come merely from the amount of time that has passed, but from what the two people have learned, practiced, communicated, solved, and developed during that time.

A life partnership that develops gradually provides both beings with time to acquire considerably more information about one another before making increasingly significant commitments. The purpose is not to deliberately slow a relationship merely for the sake of moving slowly, but to avoid allowing attraction, conditioned pleasant feelings, loneliness, sexual desire, or any other craving to move the relationship forward before sufficient wisdom has been acquired to choose a life partner.

And Then Live Happily Ever After

Many people grow up hearing stories in which two individuals meet, fall in love, overcome a difficulty, get married, and then live happily ever after. The story usually ends at precisely the point where the actual work of a life partnership begins. This can create the subtle idea that the difficult task is finding the correct person and that once the correct person has been found and the relationship formally confirmed, lasting happiness will naturally follow.

A wholesome life partnership develops through a considerably different process. Two people meet and begin learning each other. They take time to understand how the other person thinks, makes decisions, communicates, and responds to changing circumstances. They develop skills together. They learn how to disagree without creating disharmony. They develop problem-solving abilities and learn how to make unified decisions when shared circumstances necessitate them. They learn how to be friends rather than constructing the relationship only around attraction, sexual activity, or continual conditioned pleasant feelings. They learn how to make agreements without transforming those agreements into expectations. They learn how to share a home while understanding that they remain two individual beings. They learn to support each other’s development without attempting to control it. Most importantly, each continues seeking guidance and acquiring wisdom within their own life.

Then they can live happily ever after.

“Happily ever after” does not mean that every future circumstance will be pleasant or that the world will stop being impermanent. Bodies will age, plans will change, disagreements will occur, financial circumstances may shift, health conditions may arise, family situations will evolve, and both people will continue encountering circumstances they did not anticipate when the relationship began. Happiness does not depend upon preventing these changes. It develops as each person acquires the wisdom needed to navigate changing circumstances without continually producing craving, anger, hostility, blame, and attachment within the mind.

A couple does not need to begin as two perfect people to create this kind of life because perfect partners do not exist. Neither individual will be perfect when the two first come together as potential life partners. They need to begin as two beings capable of continued development. Each understands they are a work in progress. Each is learning not to blame the other for their discontentedness. Each actively seeks guidance and wisdom rather than allowing the mind to become stagnant. When mistakes occur, they become opportunities to learn. When circumstances change, the couple adapts. When disagreement appears, they communicate. When one person develops in a new direction, the other does not automatically interpret that growth as a threat.

This is why the three central qualities examined in this chapter are so consequential. A person who recognizes they are a work in progress has room to learn. A person who understands that the cause of discontentedness is within their own mind has the ability to work on the true cause rather than continually blaming their partner. A person who actively seeks guidance possesses a method through which wisdom can continue growing as entirely new circumstances arise. When both life partners possess and continue developing these qualities, the individual lives do not become stagnant, and therefore the relationship has the ability to continue developing as well.

Selecting a life partner is therefore not primarily a search for the person who produces the most intense feelings, satisfies the greatest number of desires, or most closely resembles an imagined perfect partner. The Practitioner is making a wise decision about whom to involve considerably in daily life. Physical attraction, shared interests, enjoyment, affection, sexual intimacy, financial circumstances, and other practical considerations can certainly contribute to the decision, but wisdom looks deeper at the qualities of mind from which future decisions will arise.

The Practitioner is learning whether these two beings can walk through changing conditions together while each remains committed to developing themselves. Can they communicate when circumstances are challenging? Can they seek guidance when they lack wisdom? Can they acknowledge mistakes? Can they support each other without controlling one another? Can they make agreements without developing expectations? Can they enjoy closeness without clinging and independence without interpreting it as rejection? Can True Love remain while preferences, circumstances, bodies, interests, and plans continue changing?

When these qualities are present and continually developed, the life partnership does not need a fairy-tale world in which nothing challenging ever occurs. The people have something considerably more useful: the wisdom and skills needed to navigate the actual world in which conditions continually arise, change, and fade away. They continue learning each other because neither being stops changing. They continue learning about themselves because the mind continues revealing areas in which wisdom can be developed. They continue supporting one another while understanding that each being remains the decision-maker within their own life.

The result is not happiness created by another person finally satisfying every craving of the mind. It is two beings increasingly capable of bringing peaceful, wholesome, wise participation into the life they have chosen to share. They can enjoy one another without possession, appreciate affection without demanding permanence, participate closely without eliminating individuality, solve challenges without turning the partner into the enemy, and continue developing without expecting either person to remain exactly as they were when the relationship began.

That is a considerably wiser foundation for creating “happily ever after”.

Selecting a life partner wisely, however, is only the beginning of developing a harmonious life partnership. Once two beings begin sharing more of their lives together, the qualities examined in this chapter need to be continually applied within the ordinary circumstances of daily living. A shared home, finances, household participation, affection, sexual activity, children, travel, changing interests, agreements, plans, communication, and unexpected circumstances will continually provide opportunities for both people to apply wisdom. Even two people who selected one another carefully will still encounter disagreement, change, missteps, and circumstances for which neither person presently possesses complete wisdom. The continued harmony of the relationship will therefore depend not merely upon having selected a wholesome life partner, but upon how each being continues training their own mind, communicating, solving challenges, eliminating expectations and attachment, practicing True Love, and supporting the other person’s development while understanding they are the decision-maker within their own life.

The next chapter will move from choosing a life partner to examining how two beings can continue applying The Teachings throughout the many changing circumstances of a shared life.

That brings us to the next chapter: Sharing a Life: Developing Harmony with a Life Partner.