Remaining Unaffected by Others’ Speech

Students often ask how they can remain unaffected when others speak to them aggressively, unkindly, impolitely, or with hostility.

The Teachings of The Buddha provide practical guidance for training the mind so that the speech and actions of others do not disturb its peace.

Their Speech Reflects Their Practice

When someone chooses to speak aggressively, unkindly, dishonestly, or disrespectfully, that is their practice. Their speech reflects the condition of their mind and the choices they are making in that moment.

It does not determine your character, your intentions, or your value as a person.

People may gossip about you, speak falsely about you, criticize you, or attempt to harm your reputation. Although their words may concern you, those words remain a reflection of the person speaking them—not necessarily an accurate reflection of you.

Your responsibility is not to control how others speak. Your responsibility is to train your own mind and ensure that your speech and actions remain wholesome.

The Expectation That Everyone Should Treat You Well

Through understanding impermanence and The Three Poisons of craving, anger, and ignorance (unknowing of true reality), a Practitioner recognizes that there will never be a time when everyone in the world is consistently kind, polite, truthful, respectful, and appreciative.

People possess different levels of wisdom. They have different habits, intentions, perceptions, and states of mind. Therefore, they will not always behave as you would prefer.

The difficulty arises when the mind develops an expectation that everyone should speak kindly, understand your intentions, recognize your wholesome qualities, or appreciate what you do.

This expectation is craving: a mental longing accompanied by a strong eagerness for reality to be different from how it currently is.

When reality does not match that expectation, the mind becomes discontent.

Therefore, the solution is not to force everyone to treat you as you think they should. The solution is to eliminate the craving, desire, and attachment that produces the expectation.

You can prefer that people speak truthfully and kindly without demanding that they do so. You can encourage wholesome speech without making your peace dependent upon the choices of others.

Not Everyone Will Understand You

Even highly respected spiritual Teachers have been criticized, misunderstood, and spoken about unkindly.

People spoke poorly about The Buddha during his lifetime. People also criticized Jesus Christ and those who practiced his teachings. Even today, not everyone speaks respectfully about either of them.

The Buddha’s Teachings during his lifetime where opposite of what all the people were actually learning and practicing. His Teachings encouraged people to investigate reality, cultivate wisdom, and verify the results of the practice through their own experience.

Teachings that are opposite of familiar beliefs are often misunderstood, especially when people have not yet taken the time to learn, reflect, and practice.

Therefore, it is unrealistic to expect that everyone will understand you, agree with you, or accurately understand your intentions.

Even when you are trying to be polite, kind, friendly, and respectful, some people may still misinterpret your actions or speak falsely about you.

When the mind abandons the expectation that everyone must understand you accurately, it can remain peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy.

Understanding Non-Self

The Teaching of non-self can also help the mind remain unaffected by the speech and actions of others.

When the mind strongly identifies with a fixed idea of “me,” “my identity,” or “my reputation,” it becomes protective and easily disturbed.

Through realizing non-self, the mind gradually releases its attachment to a permanent personal identity that must constantly be defended.

Then, when someone speaks falsely, gossips, criticizes, or behaves unkindly, the mind does not need to experience discontentedness.

Their speech arises from causes and conditions within their own mind. Your response arises from the training and condition of yours.

You cannot always choose what others say, but you can train the mind so that the mind is unaffected by their words.

Focus on Your Own Practice

Unkind, impolite, dishonest, and hostile speech reveals something about the person speaking. It does not automatically reveal the truth about the person being discussed.

People will gossip or speak falsely due to their mind’s craving/desire/attachment. Rather than becoming consumed with discovering their motives, remain focused on your own conduct.

Ask yourself:

Am I speaking at the proper time?

Am I speaking what is true?

Am I speaking gently?

Am I speaking beneficially?

Am I speaking with a mind of loving-kindness?

Continue learning, reflecting, and practicing Right Speech along with all The Teachings of The Buddha.

Do not allow the unwholesome conduct of another person to persuade you to abandon your own wholesome practice.

Their speech is their responsibility.

Your response is yours.

Train the Mind to Remain Peaceful

The goal is not to prevent all criticism, gossip, misunderstanding, or hostility. 

That would be impossible.

The goal is to train the mind so thoroughly that its peace is no longer dependent upon receiving praise, approval, appreciation, or kind treatment from others.

Let people be responsible for their speech and actions while you remain responsible for yours.

When the mind no longer craves the approval of others, clings to reputation, or demands that everyone behave according to its preferences, it can remain peaceful amid both praise and blame.

Train the mind to reside peaceful, calm, serene, and content with joy—in any and all situations.

This is the direction of the Enlightened mind.

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David Roylance is a dedicated Practitioner, Teacher, and published author who has taught The Teachings of The Buddha since 2005. Based in Chiang Mai, Thailand, he guides Household and Ordained Practitioners worldwide through courses, retreats, and special events on The Path to Enlightenment.